It was inevitable that Ha Yue would be flustered, because she had never seen Xue Jing so arrogant and domineering.
Ha Yue had never heard him swear. Even in the most infuriating situations, such as being splashed with oil in the cafeteria, he remained polite and even calmed down the perpetrator.
Her first love was the moon hanging in the night sky, the dew on a lotus leaf, the embodiment of all gentleness and kindness in the world, and the pure and transparent nature of humanity.
But now, the "transparent" man in front of her is not only devoid of any warmth, he is like a judge holding cinnabar, his strokes heavy and bold, as if he wants to write down her death date with every stroke.
How could that be?
Xue Jing was such a promising young man, living in the glory of realizing his dreams, with a future he could squander. He had so much to offer, and she was at most a xylitol-flavored drink that he accidentally spilled. Why would he hold a grudge about what happened four years ago?
Her throat was dry, and Ha Yue's voice sounded like an old, worn-out hinge, "I really have to apologize... You don't have to accept it... But..." But you can't question whether her apology is just a pretense.
Before she could finish speaking, Xue Jing pressed his advantage and intercepted her again.
"Don't label me. Of course I can accept an apology, but an apology should at least have some sincerity. Listen to what you're saying, is it sincere? Am I really as good, as perfect, as kind, as talented, a blue-chip stock as you say? How could you bear to break up with me?"
"I'm a bit slow and don't quite understand. Could you explain it to me in more detail?"
The word "you" appeared frequently, but Ha Yue did not feel respected. On the contrary, the emotional drawer that she had closed herself in the hot pot restaurant was turned upside down again, creating a new storm.
Xue Jing was certainly not stupid, but his intelligence was never so readily apparent.
Ha Yue felt waves of palpitations and shortness of breath. Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest due to tension, so loudly that she started to experience tinnitus.
"Oh, you're not going to talk about it anymore?" Xue Jing straightened up. He stood there, his face dark with displeasure, looking like a complete scoundrel.
He was rational, but it couldn't overcome the pain he had suppressed for too long.
Humans are animals too; when pain becomes unbearable, it can trigger deep-seated negative traits.
Xue Jing knew that out of gentlemanly conduct, manners, propriety, and all the rules of male-female relationships, he shouldn't have continued, but he still did. Like a mad dog, he couldn't help but want to hurt her with his words, just as she had hurt him back then, he would repay her tenfold.
No one is truly without temper forever. Back in his school days, didn't he put on a very tiring act to please Ha Yue? He thought things through one step at a time, even more so than a professional chess player.
Because he loved her so much, he was willing to be an empty-headed fool, rejecting all the cunning and treachery he had been taught in life. He gave her his heart, his most precious possession, so she could keep it under her feet, not so she could kick it down the drain.
"Tsk, you were speaking so fluently just now, why can't you say it now? You can't make sense of it anymore, can you?"
Xue Jing nodded, like a good teacher patiently explaining things.
“Let me explain for you. Yes, I’m a good person, but I’m not the one you’re looking for at all, not from the beginning, right? Of course you don’t have polygamous tendencies, I admit that.”
“You’re not really materialistic. You just knew all along that I was just a short-term plaything in your life, so once you were done with me, your self-esteem was hurt, and you couldn’t wait to get rid of me like trash.”
"Is graduation your personal time limit for breaking down?"
"Anyone can play games. If you had made it clear from the beginning, I wouldn't have been unable to accept it. But you shouldn't have kept giving me the illusion that you wanted a future with me, right?"
"Stop pretending. Just tell me the truth today. Were you heartbroken after the breakup? You just felt relieved, right? No need to lie anymore, no need to be afraid anymore. Even this pathetic apology is for the same reason."
"You only care about your own pleasure? Have you thought about me?"
"Ha Yue, an apology is to make amends to others, not to elevate yourself, do you understand?"
Xue Jing didn't know if Ha Yue understood his madness, but he knew that what he said must have hurt her as well, otherwise she wouldn't have trembled all over when he spoke, looking at him with a confused and horrified expression as if he were a pervert.
Yes, she should be afraid of him.
This is the prickly, vengeful man she knew. She should have been afraid of him long ago, otherwise how could she have dared to treat him like that?
A broken mirror is still a broken mirror, so let's give it a push and shatter it even more completely.
Forget about the past; it's all a mirage, an illusion. And forget about the future; it's stagnant, with no future.
Even so, reciprocating the hurt with words only doubled the pain, Xue Jing's pain was not relieved. After the boiling of blood came silence, and silence was indeed greater than the death of the heart.
Ha Yue ended his first love, and he also ended her lingering feelings.
After this meeting, they've even lost the right to reminisce about each other, haven't they?
That's good. Ha Yue has also started to dislike him. Just like how he would frown every time he thought of her over the past four years, she now feels that even talking back is superfluous, so she stops talking.
No need, absolutely no need. We've been broken up for years.
We're all adults, yet we made such a mess of things when we said goodbye. What's the difference between a human and a dog?
Xue Jing stopped looking at her and didn't want to look anymore. If he continued to look, he would probably do something even more inhuman, which would be considered morally reprehensible. So he turned back to look for an empty car for Ha Yue.
A flash of green light suddenly appeared at the end of the street, and he immediately raised his tense right hand.
The blue and yellow taxi made a U-turn in the middle of the road. Just when Xue Jing thought that their terrible relationship had finally come to an end, Ha Yue, who was standing behind him, suddenly asked him in a thin, delicate voice, "Then tell me, how can I make amends in a sincere way?"
It's hard to tell whether it's pure revenge, a desperate situation where it's hard to let go, or whether both emotional states ultimately stem from the same reason.
The taxi they had hailed had already pulled up beside them, but Xue Jing turned around the next moment and very flippantly grabbed Ha Yue's hand.
As their fingers intertwined, his fingertips touched the thin calluses on her palm. The feel of her bones and skin was so familiar that an electric current surged from where their skin touched straight into their souls.
Ha Yue has lost weight.
She used to be very slim in her early twenties, but she still had a bit of baby fat on her body. Now, her hands are just a thin layer of skin, like a bird's beak, and they feel rough to hold.
My heart softened, and I felt extremely anxious.
He was in a hurry, as if he were afraid he would make a terrible mistake tonight. Without giving Ha Yue any time to hesitate, he had just taken her hand with his left hand when his right hand had already unabashedly wrapped around her shoulder.
Ha Yue was soft, limp, and warm all over, letting him hug, embrace, and press against her in the cold wind without any resistance.
When you kiss someone, your body immediately feels hot, along with your vital organs.
When you're alone for too long, things can get full and overflowing. Xue Jing has had this kind of dream many times over the years, but every time, Ha Yue in his dream is like a hedgehog with all its weapons raised, fighting to the death to resist.
She stopped smiling at him and giving him pleasant feedback. She simply avoided him, screaming and cursing with her hard-toothed mouth until she couldn't get any dirtier, and then she would bite his flesh.
In his dreams, he finds it difficult to release his pent-up emotions without hurting her.
But this time it wasn't a dream. Ha Yue was already in her mid-twenties. She wore no makeup, her eyes were downcast, and her lips were pursed. She looked quiet and obedient. There was a strange kind of composure about her aura, no longer as fragile as before.
This heavy yet detached composure disgusted him; he wanted to tear it all apart and throw it everywhere.
So he walked towards the hotel without hesitation, his tone still deliberately indifferent, "Okay, want to come up? You know, exes always do something after dinner to make it work, otherwise you wouldn't have asked me out."
"You don't know how to make amends to me, do you? Let me teach you."
Carpets, spotlights, and gold decorative paintings that kept flashing in the corner of the eye.
The old-fashioned interior furnishings of the hotel formed a bizarre kaleidoscope.
Ha Yue's steps had become unsteady ever since she saw Xue Jing's hand hailing a taxi. Now, that scarred wrist, just inches below her eyes, swayed back and forth with each step. Like a magician's clock used to hypnotize the audience, it brought her back to that graduation season filled with sweat and restlessness.
Xue Jing's uneven scar was not formed naturally, nor was it an accident; it was an ugly tooth mark that she deliberately created.
After breaking up with him, Ha Yue not only moved out, but also quickly blocked all of Xue Jing's contact information. To avoid his questioning and harassment, she fled overnight and found a new job.
Xue Jing did not slander her; after he was the first to break up with her, she felt a sense of relief.
Ha Yue herself didn't know that she could be so ruthless when she really made a decision. She swung the cleaver fast enough. Although the emotional entanglement was a self-inflicted trap, cutting him would inevitably tear herself apart. However, the feeling of losing Xue Jing seemed to only create a kind of grand emptiness.
There is only numbness from excessive blood loss, but no pain.
This is probably what Xue Jing meant: she had put a safety net on their first love from the very beginning, so when the disaster struck, she was actually wearing a life jacket that she had never taken off.
Moreover, she was very familiar with that numbness of losing a loved one. When she was a child, she loved Ha Jianguo, the opposite sex she had been attached to since before she even understood love. But after her father passed away, she endured it in the same numb way. She had never possessed anything truly precious for long, so losing her desires could not be described as unbearable pain.
Heartbreak is a private hell tailored by God for good men and women.
She is neither kind nor trusting.
So was she really heartbroken about the breakup?
If tears and blood are the weights of mourning.
She never shed a single tear for Xue Jing after her breakup.
Unlike Xue Jing, who not only shed tears but also splattered blood all over the ground.
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