The moon was bright and the stars were few; even in the dead of night, the snow-covered streets were brightly lit.
Xue Jing gave up the last taxi on the street corner to Jinzi and her husband, as well as Director Zhao.
With no designated driver and no taxi in sight, Ha Yue nestled in Xue Jing's arms, her eyes tired and her breath reeking of alcohol. She slid down from Xue Jing's embrace like a slippery fish.
Impatient to wait for the next passing taxi, Xue Jing decided to take her to the next intersection to try his luck.
Xue Jing draped his scarf and gloves over Ha Yue, hung her shoulder bag around his neck, and squatted down with his back to let Ha Yue hold onto his back with both hands.
Her legs were hooked around her waist, and her hands supported her buttocks.
Leaning forward, the small bag swayed precariously against Xue Jing's chest, but his steps were steady as he stepped firmly onto the thick snow.
The blanket of white snow absorbed most of the town's noise, leaving only the crunching sound of footsteps in their ears. Before long, a layer of transparent ice crystals formed on their eyebrows and eyes.
And so, Xue Jing walked quietly for more than ten minutes in the minus thirty-degree weather. Perhaps because of the warm breath that Ha Yue kept exhaling on his neck, he didn't feel cold at all. Because he was with Ha Yue, the surrounding snow didn't seem so terrible anymore.
He still didn't particularly like snowy days, but now, he suddenly felt that if they continued walking this road, it wouldn't be so bad.
There were still no cars at the next intersection, and Ha Yue behind us seemed to have started to snore comfortably.
After calculating the time it would take to walk back to the residential area, Xue Jing figured it would take about twenty minutes. He could still walk, but he was worried that Ha Yue might catch a cold if she slept outside. So he bounced her up a bit and said, "Ha Yue, wait a bit before you sleep. Say a few words to me."
"Hmm?" Ha Yue propped her head up, still very sleepy, her hair hanging in front of her eyes. Through her half-closed vision, she saw Xue Jing's profile. After looking at that familiar outline for a while, she closed her eyes again with relief, muttering reluctantly, "What did you say?"
"Tell me about Auntie's future plans. When we go back to Jicheng in the spring, should we buy a bigger house? Do you want to hire a caregiver to take care of her at home, or send her to a specialized nursing home? There's a small team at Jicheng Medical University that specializes in Alzheimer's disease. I'll try to find someone to see if we can apply for a spot for Auntie."
Six months ago, he had dinner with Zhou Shuang and a lawyer named Fang who works in mergers and acquisitions at Red Circle. According to Zhou Shuang's gossip after the dinner, Fang's lover's father was once a big name in the field of physics, but unfortunately, he is currently in the late stage of Alzheimer's disease and is undergoing clinical trials at the medical university.
After discussing Zhao Chunni's various options, Xue Jing shifted the topic back to Ha Yue's personal social value.
"What are your plans for the future? Will you continue in foreign trade after you go back, start your own business, or find a job as a temporary measure? You can talk to me about it. I'm willing to help as long as I can."
"Or do you not want to live together so soon? Why don't you stay at my place first, and I'll stay at a hotel?"
Thinking of Zhao Chunni's illness and how much responsibility Ha Yue had shouldered alone over the years, Xue Jing became even more considerate.
Loving someone seems to mean being unable to bear seeing them suffer, whether they are involved now or before.
The words may be rough, but the principle is sound. He wasn't offended by the discussions the Jin couple had about them behind their backs. On the contrary, he even felt that Xiaoyu was right. Besides, money wasn't that important to rich people anyway. If his savings could help his sweetheart overcome her temporary difficulties, it would be a joyous occasion without expecting anything in return.
Fortunately, Ha Yue was willing to hold his hand and move forward. She could plan for his future, and it was indeed not just a matter of liking him a little.
Ha Yue still didn't open her eyes, but she lay on Xue Jing, listening to his words, her hands gradually tightening around his shoulders and neck. After a while, she suddenly called his name in a daze: "Xue Jing."
"Um?"
A misty white fog enveloped their faces. Ha Yue's legs swayed in the air as she rubbed the frost on her eyelashes. She pulled a single thread from the tangled thoughts in her mind, held it between her fingers, and asked him on the cold, empty street, "I like you, and there are many legitimate reasons."
Although Xue Jing appears cold, he always reveals a kind side. This is because he has never given up on himself over the years and has achieved success through perseverance and hard work. Also, even if he describes himself in a very negative light, he still comes across as a wonderful person.
She liked him because it was the most universal kind of liking in the conventional sense. Like how people instinctively look up at the stars when darkness falls.
Whether in the past or present, her reasons for liking him are sufficient and detailed, and can withstand scrutiny and debate.
On the other hand, she currently has no money, no career, and no future. She is like a broken kite that has fallen from the sky, not a glamorous trophy that anyone would be eager to possess. She is unlikely to succeed in choosing a partner from a lower social class, so what does he like about her?
This feeling is suspicious, and she can't accept it blindly.
"And you, can I ask you what you like about me?"
Without much thought, Xue Jing replied naturally, "Of course I like everything about you. You must have had a tough time lately, right? You're really strong and brave, especially when it comes to asking others for help; not everyone has that quality."
Everyone is afraid of rejection, afraid of failing after trying. But life is destined to be full of repeated failures, falls, tears, and then wiping away the tears. Being able to reach out and get back up with the help of others is a rare and precious kind of courage.
He was pleased that Ha Yue had the courage to start tomorrow anew.
He felt sad for her, but even more so, he felt relieved for her.
"You're really amazing to have made it this far."
Xue Jing's original intention in saying these words was to comfort Ha Yue as much as possible and tell her that she was worthy of being liked.
But these praises sounded so jarring to the person involved, because everything Xue Jing said about Ha Yue's qualities was false.
She lacked the courage to try again to create a future, nor did she want to seek help from anyone. Although everyone at the dinner table thought she should follow Xue Jing back to Jicheng to develop her career, she was clearly only weak and incompetent, with a death wish.
The mystery is solved; so that's how it is.
The lively, glamorous girl Xue Jing liked back then wasn't her, and the strong, brave girl he likes now isn't her either.
Her true nature was that of a soulless coward. And everything Xue Jing had just said made her realize even more clearly that she had been lying all along.
But before, she lied to others; now, she lies to herself.
She was actually very timid. She was afraid of setbacks, afraid of parting with the people she loved, and afraid that her mother's illness would worsen and she would gradually become someone who couldn't recognize herself at all. She wasn't as open-minded or cold-hearted as she thought. Her suicide attempt was just a prelude to prevent new pain from coming.
Just as she has suppressed her grievances about family, her longing for love, and her ambition for success over the years, she now wants to sever the continuation of life. She is making the ultimate escape.
My eyes hurt as if sand had gotten into them, and my heart felt like it had been split in two.
Ha Yue's neck ached from the weight. She should get off Xue Jing's back now and clear up his misunderstanding that he liked her, but her cheeks fell back onto Xue Jing's neck. The fragrance on Xue Jing's body was so warm, and she longed for this tenderness, but this tenderness did not belong to her.
She doesn't deserve it.
She stared at Xue Jing's steps as he moved forward, waiting for a long time until hot tears washed away the coldness on her face. Then she mustered her strength and whispered, "I was just kidding, I'm not going to Jicheng."
"Not going?" Xue Jing's voice carried a hint of amusement, thinking she was just being childish. "Are you reluctant to part with your shop again? But didn't you just promise Jinzi you'd transfer the shop to them?"
"You said it was a gift for the child when they first met you. You can't go back on your word when you give something to a child..."
Xue Jing was speaking when he suddenly felt a chill on his neck. The water droplets flowing down his cheeks were not melting snowflakes, but Ha Yue's tears, which had turned from hot to cold, were pouring down his collar.
Ha Yue was curled up in a ball, trembling violently.
Her voice sounded full of pain, and every word was filled with despair.
"I'm sorry, I lied again."
"I didn't plan to take my mom to another city... You misunderstood."
"Then you handle the shop..." Xue Jing was at a loss. At first, he didn't know why she was crying, but as he suddenly stopped, a chilling hurricane surged in his heart, and those icy tears suddenly turned into lava that could burn his body.
He understood.
If Ha Yue doesn't intend to leave, then everything she's doing now looks like she's preparing for her own demise.
As intelligent as he is, he immediately understood her current state of mind.
What she called "liking" was nothing more than a confession to a valley; before any response could be received, she would leap off.
Ha Yue really didn't want to cry. She was too embarrassed and ashamed, but the alcohol numbed her reason. Tears welled up in her eyes and finally, when she wasn't paying attention, they fell in strings to Xue Jing's ears.
The armor worn out from long-term exhaustion is like a collapsing building; the shattered emotions inside, accompanied by tears, transform into a tsunami capable of destroying the world.
Her nose was red, and her voice choked as she said, "Xue Jing, stop liking me, and stop being nice to me. I really have nothing that makes you likable. I'm just a useless good-for-nothing. I can't run forward with you. Love is useless; it can't save lives."
"I can't run anymore. Leave me alone."
At first, Ha Yue sobbed softly, but soon she couldn't control herself and her crying grew louder and louder. In the empty street, she wailed with her mouth open, like a child who had her ice cream stolen and was beaten up.
But the tears and cries were drowned out by the heavy snow, and there was no echo at all.
Only the stray dog sleeping in the heating well, unaware of what was happening, poked its head out and barked twice at the two of them to show its displeasure.
Xue Jing's chest heaved. He stood in the snow for only a short while before he roused himself, hugged her legs tightly again, and continued walking forward.
In Ha Yue's imagination, Xue Jing could stand on the moral high ground and criticize her. He could say that she had disappointed him too much, or question her that if people in the world who were suffering more than her could survive, why couldn't she try again?
He could also tell her righteously that euthanasia is not permitted in China, and that suicide is an act without objective value according to the constitution.
But Xue Jing carried her through the snowy night, unusually quiet, until her crying gradually subsided and the outline of a residential area appeared in the distance. Only then did he repeat her words in a very calm tone: "Yes, love certainly can't save lives. You're right."
What is love anyway? It's nothing more than a possibility that can only be had to survive.
Life is an extremely cruel gamble. Luck and misfortune are random. When bad things happen, they can knock you down and leave you bleeding, but when good things happen, this wounded person still needs to sit at the table and wait for the cards to be dealt.
If people leave and things cool down, then all possibilities cease to exist.
Humans need to live in order to have love; living is the prerequisite, and love is the icing on the cake. To treat love as a magic pill and think that swallowing it will bring salvation is to put the cart before the horse.
There are no immortal emotions in the universe, nor are there any incorruptible lives.
Before the Big Bang 14 billion years ago, matter did not exist. Humans, who depend on matter for survival, were nothing more than fireflies with short-lived lives.
Even so, he had personally experienced how one person's light could briefly illuminate another's darkness, thus rewriting the ending of the story, just like a butterfly in South America that, by flapping its wings occasionally, could cause a tornado in Texas two weeks later.
It didn't matter that Ha Yue couldn't run anymore, and he didn't force her to move forward. He just wanted to tell her that as long as she waited a little longer, there would be new hope in the cracks. Just like how they both thought that Xiao Yu's child would have problems, but a month passed and nothing bad happened.
Thinking this, Xue Jing turned his head and rubbed his cheek against Ha Yue's forehead.
"Ha Yue, the day before yesterday you asked me when you would finish writing your new novel. I lied again. Actually, the story has already happened, but I've been holding back the ending from showing it to you. This novel has a real-life counterpart. I bet you didn't notice that I'm also in the story, but even if you did, you would probably hate that character, right?"
After all, he had once judged himself as someone who didn't deserve to live.
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