17
"Then, what do I owe you?" Ji Shengsheng thought for a moment, "I just got back, and you even returned the box to me..."
“I wrote you so many letters when I went to teach in a rural area.”
The signal was very poor in the mountains where she was teaching, and she didn't have much time to check her phone. They hadn't been in contact for almost three months, and she missed Xu Yu every day.
She thought Xu Yu would miss her too. But after she came back, Xu Yu acted as if they had never been separated.
"Here's your box back. Did you open it?"
"……not yet."
"Why?"
"...I don't want to see it." What if it's something that will make me sad?
"Um."
"It's late," Xu Yu reminded her.
Ji Shengsheng silently tidied up the things on the table, stood up and left.
Xu Yu watched Ji Shengsheng's figure disappear behind the door.
He still had many questions he hadn't asked.
Are his hands the most beautiful Ji Shengsheng has ever seen?
How does it compare to Xing Xing?
...
After returning home, Ji Shengsheng remembered to check the message Cheng Yu had sent.
"Shengsheng, it's hard to explain in a short time. Let's call each other when it's convenient for you?"
Ji Shengsheng glanced at the time. He had just finished replying to Cheng Yu's message when the other party called him via voice message.
"Sheng Sheng." Only after the call connected did Cheng Yu dare to close the bedroom door. As long as someone was calling him, he wouldn't feel scared being alone in the room.
"I don't really remember the details of what you asked, but I'm sure Xu Yu went to see you that day. But was there some reason why you didn't see him? He came back with a cake, and he didn't seem very happy."
Ji Shengsheng was speechless for a long time before finally speaking: "...Are you unhappy?"
"Hmm... To be honest, Sheng Sheng, ever since you came into Xu Yu's life, he has often been silent for no reason. I feel like he is tormented by some kind of pain, but I don't dare to ask. You know his personality."
Cheng Yu, of course, would not reveal anything about the "third party".
Perhaps it's for the same reason that Xu Yu didn't point it out.
Speaking out is risky; a showdown is only suitable for moments of complete breakdown or forcing a change of heart. Anyone still in the middle must pretend ignorance.
"I do not understand……"
“Maybe, it’s just my feeling,” Cheng Yu said, probably because Xu Yu had messed things up. “I think he likes you and wants to be with you, but the way you present yourself, or rather, the way he imagines of being together, puts pressure on him.”
Ji Shengsheng was completely baffled: "Huh?"
It's like you're making it sound like being with her is something you can't do in public...?
"Oh dear, my expression skills are really terrible!" Cheng Yu slapped her forehead. "Well, didn't he write you a lot of letters? Why don't you take a closer look? If you think about it more deeply, you'll eventually understand."
"And look, even though he's under pressure, he's still revolving around you, isn't he? If you ask me, you don't need to change anything. Just stick to yourself, and who knows, one day he'll figure you out."
Ji Shengsheng: "...?"
She has never received any letters from Xu Yu, neither during her time teaching in rural areas nor during the years she has been abroad.
She didn't understand a word they were saying.
...
After sending the compiled volunteer information to Xiao Qi, Ji Shengsheng began to draw the draft.
When I draw my fingers, I think of Xu Yu.
Thinking about it, Ji Shengsheng recalled Xu Yu's hand and drew a picture. After hesitating for a few seconds, she inexplicably exported it and sent it to Xu Yu.
"It doesn't look like it."
She quickly received a reply from the other party.
"How is that possible?" Ji Shengsheng had just shut down her computer when she saw the content and immediately sat up.
"It doesn't look like it."
She didn't reply for a while, but after a few minutes, Xu Yu sent another message.
Ji Shengsheng: "..."
Xu Yu was sitting in a chair when he heard a knock on the door less than a minute later.
Ji Shengsheng brought her computer and graphics tablet with her.
Xu Yu opened the door and saw Ji Shengsheng angrily put down her computer, then grabbed his wrist, her soft fingertips pressing against his palm, diligently separating his fingers one by one, while muttering how perfectly the details she had drawn matched.
Xu Yu watched as Ji Shengsheng's hands, which lacked restraint, kept caressing his fingers, the fingertips occasionally brushing against his fingers, deliberately slipping into the gaps he couldn't bear to see the light.
He should have gotten used to it by now.
Ji Shengsheng's way of provoking him has always been so tactless.
She was a hypocrite to him, saying one thing and doing another, fickle and unpredictable, always keeping him at arm's length.
On the day he was preparing to celebrate Ji Shengsheng's birthday, he saw Xing Xing and the other person on the subway, but did not leave immediately.
From deciding to cut off all contact to deciding to wait for her, it only took him two minutes to walk out of the subway station.
He followed behind them, his heart darker than the damp weather.
It's raining outside.
He noticed that Ji Shengsheng didn't have an umbrella.
He was worried that Ji Shengsheng would get caught in the rain.
He wanted to hold an umbrella for her.
Then, Xu Yu saw Ji Shengsheng and Xing Xing running out wearing the same coat.
Before Ji Shengsheng could react, her hands were already gripped by Xu Yu as she felt the force on her fingertips.
Xu Yu's hands are large, and his fingers have distinct knuckles and are long and slender.
Xu Yu stared intently at her, refusing to let her look away.
"Sheng Sheng, it seems you're not ready to let bygones be bygones with me yet."
Xu Yu's calm tone was like a thunderclap: "You haven't let go of me, have you?"
The Xu Yu she remembered wasn't like this; he wouldn't say such a thing.
"Are you going to deny it?"
"Or are you willing to admit it?"
Xu Yu coaxed, "If you deny it, then we'll do as you said before—go back to being strangers."
Ji Shengsheng: "I..."
“Or, you can admit it.” Xu Yu said, pulling her close. “There are many things I won’t ask you about anymore, and I won’t hold it against you anymore.”
"Think it over," Xu Yu paused for a few seconds, "You and I only have this one chance to choose."
This was his last chance to give himself.
He had plenty of time to play this game with Ji Shengsheng, and he was even certain that he could win.
However, he was torn apart by the extremes of moral bottom line and desire.
It would be best to immediately go back to being strangers.
Xu Yu stared into Ji Shengsheng's eyes, wanting a definite answer so he could return to a peaceful life without so much darkness and ugliness.
"sorry……"
Feeling a chill gradually spread from his chest to his fingertips, Xu Yu almost immediately regretted it: "What?"
He should have forced Ji Shengsheng to make a choice after he had acquired more leverage.
After a long silence, Xu Yu stiffly raised his hand and ruffled Ji Shengsheng's hair: "It's okay, you can go back and think about it slowly."
He was just too anxious.
"I thought being friends was the best way, neither gaining nor losing anything."
"Is that so?" Xu Yu smiled wryly.
When talking about these things, Ji Shengsheng didn't seem very confident.
If she were truly so open-minded, she shouldn't have repeatedly provoked Xu Yu.
She knew perfectly well that she knew how to retreat to a safe distance, but she simply didn't do it.
"...It's my problem. I want to keep our past as friends, but I can't guarantee that we'll stay at a friendly distance."
She's still unsure when she'll leave, how long she'll stay, or which city she'll choose to develop her career in, or how far away from Xu Yu.
She could sense that Xu Yu had some feelings for her, and she should seize the opportunity to pursue him, but she couldn't take responsibility for their current relationship.
"I have some special circumstances and haven't made a decision yet, so I can't tell you."
Can she and Xu Yu start over?
They are separated by time now, and will be separated by distance in the future, so she can't inform him in advance about these things that are not yet fully settled.
Ji Shengsheng, when did life start to have so many entanglements?
Seemingly sensing her low spirits, Xu Yu patiently asked, "Why did you come to see me tonight?"
Changing the subject made Ji Shengsheng feel much more relaxed: "Because you said my drawing 'doesn't look like it'..."
"...Does it really not look like it?" Ji Shengsheng looked at Xu Yu, trying to find the answer to all her questions in his eyes.
"It doesn't look like it."
"...Where does it not look like it?"
Xu Yu opened his hand, and Ji Shengsheng noticed a long vertical bloodstain on the pad of his middle finger.
"How is this done?" Ji Shengsheng quickly took out her phone, wanting to order wound cleaning medicine and gauze.
Because she said she liked to observe scars.
"Aren't you going to paint?" Xu Yu asked softly.
Ji Shengsheng thought he was joking, so she quickly pulled him to sit on the edge of the bed and then picked up her phone to place an order.
During the wait for the food delivery, neither Ji Shengsheng nor Xu Yu spoke.
The silence was unsettling.
Ji Shengsheng finally breathed a sigh of relief when she heard a knock on the door.
Actually, she didn't know how to bandage.
It was when Xu Yu took her to the company to change her dressing last time that she thought she would need help many times in the future, so she specially learned how to treat her wounds when the doctor treated her.
I didn't expect to need it so soon.
Her bandage looked terrible, but thankfully the wound on Xu Yu's finger wasn't deep.
Xu Yu looked down at Ji Shengsheng's earnest expression.
Ji Shengsheng was the first person to take care of him when he was sick.
Although that wasn't the reason he was attracted to her.
He rarely gets sick. The fever he had during his undergraduate years was probably due to several consecutive nights of staying up late.
He remembered Ji Shengsheng awkwardly searching for the security checkpoint at the entrance of the emergency building, and he remembered her frantically holding his ID and asking the nurse at the information desk which department she should go to.
She was anxious every time he had his blood drawn, afraid that he would be in pain, even though he didn't feel any pain.
She was nervous about his test results, afraid the outcome would be bad. Her hand holding the report was trembling, and every look she gave him was full of concern and worry.
They had no relationship whatsoever, and Ji Shengsheng had no responsibility towards him, but she insisted on taking responsibility, yet she didn't want to be responsible to the end.
Ji Shengsheng's attention was on many people; she was kind to everyone, which often caused Xu Yu pain. But from that day on, he chose to forgive those distractions.
It's enough that Ji Shengsheng pays more attention to him.
It doesn't matter that she has other boyfriends.
He abandoned his self-respect and his bottom line.
He accepts coexistence.
Even when he was so feverish that he was barely conscious, this sentence still popped into his head.
If he accepts coexistence, can you please not abandon him?
"You kept your appointment that day, did you see me?" After tying up her wound, Ji Shengsheng remembered what Cheng Yu had said.
She was deeply impressed.
It was raining heavily that day, and she waited for a long time at the bus stop closest to the subway. That's where they arranged to meet.
"have."
Xu Yu looked down at his middle finger, which was wrapped up too carefully.
“Strange… how come I can’t see you?” Ji Shengsheng tried hard to recall, but couldn’t remember any more details. “I even made fruit tea and strawberry cake in advance that day.”
"I only realized I hadn't brought a spoon and straw when I was almost at the station, so I ran to a nearby store to buy them. It was raining heavily when I got off the train, and my skirt and shoes were soaked."
"Um?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know why things turned out this way."
Xu Yu looked at Ji Shengsheng's dejected appearance.
She's mistaken. Or perhaps she's lying.
But it doesn't matter if she's willing to lie to him or believe what he says.
"It's late," Xu Yu glanced at the time, "Do you want to go back and rest?"
"All right……"
Xu Yu wanted her to go back, so she had no reason to linger here any longer.
"Or, you can stay overnight."
Xu Yu suddenly took pity on him.
Ji Shengsheng looked at the only large bed in front of her and hesitated.
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