Chapter 1 What is our relationship now?
After returning home from the rain in London, Lu Cong asked Li Wenjing if he could stay tonight.
Adult men and women know what it means to stay.
Neither of them had brought an umbrella, and his shirt was soaked in a large area, with water droplets dancing on his broad chest. Li Wenjing took a look and opened the door.
Li Wenjing, 32, has been in London for almost three years and has been dating Lu Cong for a month and a half. Three years ago, Lu Cong met Li Wenjing in Kenya, where he was also working in Africa. He has since retired from the UN peacekeeping force and moved to the UK. They see each other at least twice a week, and aside from spending the night together, they hold hands, hug, and kiss—everything they do, but they're not yet boyfriend and girlfriend.
After taking a shower, they squeezed onto the small sofa in the living room to watch a movie. It didn't matter what they were watching; before the movie had even started for ten minutes, his hand landed on Li Wenjing's waist and slid down, followed by a passionate kiss. Both of them began to pant, and the atmosphere was just ambiguous until he asked that question.
"Wenjing, will you be my girlfriend?"
Li Wenjing was stunned for a few seconds, "I'm sorry, I think... we still need time to get to know each other."
"So what is our relationship now?"
He waited for half a minute, but Li Wenjing remained silent. It wasn't that Li Wenjing didn't want to answer, but she couldn't. She didn't like him that much. The truth was simple—he was just a spice in her boring life in England.
"Actually, I'm very traditional. I can't accept sleeping with a girl who's not my partner. You never mentioned it, so I stayed to ask you today." His face flushed red. "I want to be your boyfriend, a formal one, not just a toy."
Li Wenjing put her face against his chest, "dong dong dong" knocking on her eardrums, she couldn't help but smile, "I want to sleep with you, but I have to be responsible for you."
"I'm serious, I'm not kidding."
Seeing Li Wenjing's smile, he seemed to be humiliated. He let go of her waist and put his hands on her shoulders. "Tell me, are you still unable to forget Dr. Gu?"
"This has nothing to do with Doctor Gu. He can't wake up. Even if he dies, no matter how sad I am, I won't remain a virgin for him." A pain rose in her shoulder. His fingers pressed into her skin. It hurt. She yelled at Lu Cong, "Let me go! You are just dating me, that's nothing! I hate people without boundaries!"
Li Wenjing pushed him away, put on her pajamas, got up from the sofa, walked barefoot to the dining table to get a glass of water, and suppressed the anger in her heart.
"Do you like me?" He followed her and hugged her from behind. Her feet were cold, but his broad chest was burning hot.
"Yes," Li Wenjing said. "I like you, and I like other people too. You're not my only date. If you can't accept it, we don't need to continue dating. It's not suitable."
"You're being very unfair to me." He turned her body over, his brows furrowed into a diagonal line as he stared at her and said, "Wenjing, he might never wake up again. Even if he saved you, could you stay with him forever? I'm standing right in front of you, waiting for you to promise me that you have to come out..."
"I was wrong. It's not that we are unsuitable, it's that you are not worthy of me."
Before he could finish, Li Wenjing slipped out of his arms and returned to her bedroom. After locking the door, Lu Cong knocked twice and called her name, but she ignored him. After a while, silence fell outside. Li Wenjing curled up in her bed, staring intently at the chandelier above her head. A moth perched on the light, aimlessly circling around it. Just like her, she didn't know where to go. After coming from Africa to Europe, to London, she didn't feel particularly happy, but instead felt a sense of unfamiliarity and disorientation.
If it had been Gu Weiyi who stayed by her side, would she have been happy? Would they still have argued? Would the trivialities of family life have worn away their bond? Nothing could be known. She had long since left Africa, but he was still lying in a French hospital bed. He was a motionless vegetative state, while she was a normal person with limbs, yearning for a lover's kiss and embrace, something his cold body could not offer her. He was more like a refrigerator, preserving her deepest feelings and pain. Love was painful, tearing her apart into her past and present. So she left her past in him. Even if she still loved him, she could choose to leave.
During the time she was away, Li Wenjing fell in love with several people. She took the initiative to chat up a young curly-haired boy while drinking coffee, a dark-skinned coach she met while surfing at the beach, a romantic and sweet-talking pianist, and a tall soldier with prominent chest muscles... She placed her empty heart on them, and after trying all these different kinds of relationships, she still felt that she could not fall in love with them.
Liking is just liking, based on sexual attraction; while love is love, a momentary resonance of the heart and soul. It is undeniable that her feelings, her love, are still solidified in Africa, in Kenya. He and Africa are deeply embedded in her life.
When he woke up the next day, Lu Cong was gone. On the table was breakfast left for Li Wenjing, with a handwritten apology note under the milk.
"Wenjing, I'm sorry. I understand your feelings for Dr. Gu, and I'm even jealous. From a friend's perspective, I hope Dr. Gu can wake up; from a personal perspective, I'm afraid that if he really wakes up, you will immediately abandon me. I've waited for three years. I thought we could start well, but your erratic attitude makes me very painful. I wanted to comfort you, but you didn't open the door, never. I want to stay, but I'm afraid you'll be angry. Please reconsider our relationship. I just want to tell you that I'm waiting for you. Call me anytime."
"I should be the one to say sorry. I've always treated relationships with indifference. I admit that I loved Dr. Gu, but never this much. I also want to start my life over, so I'm trying to find love. Unfortunately, I haven't found that kind of love with you or anyone else. Is love something you can only encounter but not seek?"
"Objectively speaking, you're a great match—tall, handsome, and loyal in your relationships. If it were three years ago, I think I would have chosen you. But now I can clearly see my heart. I'm not that in love. I can't be as loyal as you demand. If I force it, I'll be miserable. I'm not the little girl I used to be. I don't want to force or deceive myself. I respect my own feelings more. I'm sorry. If my needs have hurt you, and I don't want to deepen the hurt, you can block me now and never contact me again, or I'll treat you to a meal and apologize when I return from Kenya."
After Li Wenjing sent these two messages to Lu Cong, she tossed her phone aside and packed her bags. Summer vacation at her university in the UK was coming, and she was going to Kenya next week. Lu Cong had wanted to go with her, but now, she had to travel alone.
It’s okay to be alone, just like how she has come along, many people are just passers-by, and they part ways with them, or there is simply no ending.
Before leaving, she called the hospital. She had called him weekly for three years, and the attending physician said talking to him would help him recover.
"Doctor Gu, are you awake today?"
There was no response. Li Wenjing continued, "I want to go to Africa this year instead of France for vacation. So, um—I won't come to see you. I have my own life, too."
She rubbed her fingers, picking at the red nail polish that was about to peel. "I just had a fight with Lu Cong. We've been dating for two months, but I didn't tell you because I was afraid you'd be jealous. Unfortunately, he's not my happiness, and I don't know who I'd be right for. It's fine this way. No marriage, no relationship. When I miss a man, I date a handsome guy. That's how life is. Just live it casually. The most important thing is to be open-minded. Of course, I'm not saying no to relationships or marriage just because you want me to. Don't get me wrong. If I meet someone I like, I'll pounce on them without hesitation. Compared to my younger self, I like who I am now. I have more control over my life."
Li Wenjing bit her lip and forced a smile. "It's a pity I haven't encountered that. Love affairs are not my main focus. I'm doing well in London. My research is going well. My supervisor isn't pushing me, and my paper is almost published. I'll graduate in two years, and you'll have to address me as 'Dr. Li'. I'm living well, Dr. Gu. Please live well too. Goodbye."
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