Chapter 215 Nostalgia
Xu Que has always been a rather nostalgic person.
I remember when I was very young, Xu Que's father said to me more than once, "If you don't behave, I'll kill you!"
"Of course, he really did throw Xu Que onto the bed several times from several meters away, just because they were going to lock Xu Que in the house at night, and Xu Que was very scared and wanted to go out with them. But they thought Xu Que was disobedient, so they..." Ha Gang turned to Ji, the leader of the Black Goose tribe, and said.
"Do you know what? Xu Que still hates his parents when he thinks about it! Why is that? I remember when I got third place in an elementary school exam, I was so excited to get the third-place certificate and ran home, but my dad said: 'You got third place and you still have the nerve to talk back!' From then on, Xu Que gradually stopped liking to study! Anyway, I would be criticized even if I got first place! So I just played around... From then on, Xu Que's grades were terrible! He even became a delinquent later on, and Xu Que always went against his father! This actually made his father's attitude towards Xu Que better! But Xu Que still hates him!"
"Home was supposed to be a warm harbor for people like Xu Que, but for Xu Que, it was something that was so unattainable."
"Over the years, Xu Que finally understood: hatred is not terrible, what is terrible is not daring to admit it... Xu Que once read a story like this: There was a little boy who lived every day in fear that his mother would die at any time. He couldn't bear it anymore, so he wished that his mother would die immediately, so that he would no longer have to worry and live in fear. He was so scared that he had the idea of 'hoping that his mother would die immediately,' but that did not mean that he really wanted his mother to die."
This was the most attentive Ji, the leader of the Black Goose tribe, had ever been to Ha Gang's words. After Ha Gang finished speaking, the Mother Nest said to him, "Actually, hatred is a healthy emotion. It's normal to hate one's parents. What's unhealthy is that Xu Que and his ilk don't allow the emotion of 'hatred of parents' to exist."
If people like Xu Que cannot accept their feelings of hatred towards their parents, they will find it difficult to transcend hatred and move towards love. When the boy in the story finally accepted his hatred for his mother, he was finally able to face her passing. At his mother's deathbed, he was finally able to express his deepest love and reluctance to leave her, peacefully completing his separation from her.
Only when Xu Que transcends all emotions can he reach the depths of his heart and encounter love. Only by accepting "hate" can love be expressed. Unexpressed "hate" transforms into self-punishment. Xu Que may retaliate against his parents by making himself unhappy: "Look what you've done to Xu Que!"
"To be honest, Xu Que really hates his parents. He can't understand why they fight in front of him! Why are they so selfish and don't consider his feelings?! If Xu Que could allow these emotions to be expressed, maybe he would allow himself to have a good cry. But tears that can't be cried out will cause internal injuries."
Xu Que's greatest inner wound was the self-punishment of not experiencing happiness. He should have been enjoying the rights of a child at his age, yet Xu Que carried too much on his shoulders. "It's time to unload it," Ha Gang continued, speaking to Ji, the Black Goose tribe leader.
“In Xu Que’s memory, whenever he faced his father, he always felt as if he were walking on a cliff. Xu Que didn’t know when his father would suddenly become furious, or what he would do wrong that would lead to his father’s punishment,” Ha Gang continued.
As an adult, Ha Gang tends to exaggerate the consequences of his actions, always feeling that doing something could lead to devastating results. This worldview is undoubtedly related to his early experiences with his father. The greatest impact of his trauma stems from a mental dead end he often falls into: the idea that Xu Que's misfortunes must be due to something wrong with him.
“During the process of trauma recovery, Xu Que repeatedly told himself: This is not a problem for Xu Que and his peers; it is a matter concerning his father. That is, Xu Que’s father’s emotional outbursts are part of his character and personality, not Xu Que’s problem.”
Ji, the leader of the Black Goose tribe, said: "Once the Xu Que people develop a psychological pattern of not being able to forgive themselves, once the idea that 'everything is Xu Que' grows in their subconscious, they will engage in many self-harming behaviors in real life after they grow up."
Recognizing that the trauma suffered by individuals like Xu Que was not their fault is the most crucial element in making many forms of psychotherapy effective.
Hagang completely agreed with Ji, the leader of the Black Goose tribe, saying that it was indeed true.
"Forgiving themselves means that Xu Que and his ilk begin to understand that those 'horrific' things didn't happen because Xu Que was bad. Only after Xu Que and his ilk forgive themselves can they stop attacking themselves."
"When the Xu Que people stop attacking themselves, it means they begin to love themselves and give themselves strength, instead of whipping themselves and living in fear and humiliation," Ha Gang continued, picking up where the Black Goose tribe leader Ji left off.
"In addition to forgiving yourself, another important way to heal from trauma is to let go of your attachment to past experiences."
"If forgiving oneself means saying goodbye to the past, then letting go of attachment to the past is a necessary path for people like Xu Que to move towards the future," Ha Gang added.
Because of the long-term influence of her father's negative emotions, she became anxious, and this anxiety affected her daily life—from eating and drinking to sleeping.
Ha Gang's mother, however, believes that "Xu Que is a very fortunate son. No matter how bad the family's conditions were, they always gave him their best and never let him go hungry or cold. They sent him to the best schools from childhood to adulthood, and they never felt bad about paying the school selection fees each time."
“When they live in their own version of the story, they see themselves as victims. This identity helps people like Xu Que explain everything that happens around them: It’s normal for Xu Que to have a bad job and lack confidence. Xu Que has never been encouraged since he was a child,” said Ji, the leader of the Black Goose tribe.
“Xu Que is lazy, which is normal. It’s because Xu Que’s parents always have high expectations for him. If he can’t meet them, he’ll just be too lazy to do anything! Back then, I had that same mindset and spent most of my life just getting by!” Ha Gang continued to tell Ji, the leader of the Black Goose tribe.
It seems that Hagang has now made Ji, the leader of the Black Goose tribe, his best confidante. They both consider each other as part of themselves, like brothers and inseparable best friends!
In truth, Ha Gang still harbors many grievances against his parents! Especially towards his father, whom he still hates to the core!
Hagang often fought with his father when he was alive!
He only felt he could be true to himself by breaking his father's nose or slapping his face.
The reason for each fight was that Ha Gang talked about his parenting methods in front of his father, and the old man vehemently denied it, insisting that his parenting methods were correct!
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