Chapter 201 Reasoning with them
"Let me tell you a timeless and interesting story! A stone, half of it was made into a Buddha statue, and the other half into a staircase."
The steps, unconvinced, asked Buddha: "We were originally a stone, so why do people step on me and worship you?"
The Buddha said: Because you only suffered one cut, while I endured a thousand cuts and a thousand hammer blows.
At this moment, it fell silent! Life is like that too; only by enduring trials, solitude, and shouldering responsibility can one gain value! When you see others' success, don't be envious, because they have paid a higher price than you!
"You know what? I still hate my parents when I think about it! Why did they do that? I remember getting third place in an elementary school exam. I was so excited to get the third-place certificate and ran home, but my dad said, 'You got third place and you still have the nerve to talk back!' From then on, I gradually stopped liking to study! Anyway, I would get scolded even if I got first place, so I just played around... From then on, my grades were terrible! I even became a delinquent later on, and I always went against my father! That actually made his attitude towards me better! But I still hate him!"
"Home is supposed to be our warm harbor, but for me, it is something that is so unattainable."
"Over the years, I've finally come to understand: hatred isn't scary; what's scary is not daring to admit it... I once read a story about a little boy who lived in constant fear that his mother would die at any moment. He couldn't bear it anymore, so he wished his mother would die right away so he wouldn't have to worry about her anymore. He was so scared that he developed the idea of 'hoping his mother would die right away,' but that doesn't mean he actually wanted his mother to die."
This was the most attentive Ha Gang had ever been to Xu Que's words. After Xu Que finished speaking, the Mother Nest said to him, "Actually, hatred is a healthy emotion. It's normal to hate your parents. What's unhealthy is that we don't allow the emotion of 'hatred of parents' to exist."
If we cannot accept the emotion of "hating our parents," it will be difficult for us to transcend "hate" and move towards love. When the boy in the story finally accepted his hatred for his mother, he was finally able to face her passing. At his mother's deathbed, he was finally able to express the deep love and reluctance he felt for her, peacefully completing his separation from her.
Only when we traverse all our emotions can we reach the depths of our hearts and encounter love. Only by accepting hate can we express love. Unexpressed hate transforms into self-punishment. We might retaliate against our parents by making ourselves unhappy: "Look what you've done to me!"
"To be honest, I really hate my parents. I can't understand why they fight in front of me! Why are you so selfish and don't consider my feelings?! If we could allow these emotions to be expressed, maybe I would allow myself to have a good cry. But tears that can't be cried out will cause internal injuries."
My deepest wound is the self-punishment of not being happy. I should have been enjoying the rights of being a child, but instead, I carried too much on my shoulders. It's time to unload it.” Xu Que continued to say to Ha Gang.
“In my memory, whenever I faced my father, I always felt like I was walking on a cliff. I didn’t know when my father would fly into a rage again, or what I would do wrong to be punished by him,” Xu Que continued.
As an adult, Xu Que tends to exaggerate the consequences of his actions, always feeling that doing something could lead to devastating results. This experiential world is undoubtedly related to his early experiences with his father. The greatest impact of this trauma stems from a mental dead end he often falls into: the thought that "I must have done something wrong to have experienced this."
“During my trauma recovery process, I kept telling myself: This is not our problem, it is a matter concerning my father. That is, my father’s emotional outbursts are part of his character and personality, not my problem.”
Ha Gang said, "Once we develop a psychological pattern of not being able to forgive ourselves, once the idea that 'it's all my fault' grows in our subconscious, we will engage in many self-harming behaviors in real life as adults."
Realizing that the trauma we suffer is not our fault is the most crucial element in making many forms of psychotherapy effective.
Xu Que completely agreed with Ha Gang's statement; it was indeed true.
Forgiving ourselves means that we begin to understand that those "horrible" things didn't happen because we were bad. Only after we forgive ourselves can we stop attacking ourselves.
"When we let go of self-attack, it means we begin to love ourselves and give ourselves strength, instead of whipping ourselves and living in fear and humiliation," Xu Que continued, picking up where Ha Gang left off.
"In addition to forgiving yourself, another important way to heal from trauma is to let go of your attachment to past experiences."
"If forgiving yourself means saying goodbye to the past, then letting go of our attachment to the past is a necessary path to the future," Xu Que added.
Because of the long-term influence of her father's negative emotions, she became anxious, and this anxiety affected her daily life—from eating and drinking to sleeping.
Xu Que's mother, however, believes: "My son is very lucky. No matter how bad our family's conditions were, we always gave him our best. We never let him go hungry or cold. We sent him to the best schools from childhood to adulthood, and we never felt bad about paying the school selection fees each time."
“When they live in their own version of the story, they identify as victims, and this identity helps us explain everything that happens around them: It’s normal that I don’t have a good job and lack confidence; I’ve never been encouraged as a child,” Hagang said.
“I’m lazy, that’s normal, because my parents always have high expectations of me. If I can’t meet them, I’m too lazy to do anything! That’s how I spent most of my life, just drifting through life!” Xu Que continued to tell Ha Gang.
It seems Xu Que has now made Ha Gang his best confidant. They consider each other an extension of themselves, like brothers or inseparable best friends!
In truth, Xu Que still harbors many grievances against his parents! Especially towards his father, whom he still hates to the core!
Xu Que often fought with his father when he was alive!
He only felt he could be true to himself by breaking his father's nose or slapping his face.
The reason for each fight was that Xu Que talked about his parenting methods to his father, but the old man vehemently denied it and refused to admit it...
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