Lin Lishan was unconscious as she was pulled to sit down by Zhang's mother. She looked at her daughter in front of her, moved closer to Zhou Jiao, checked her face, and saw that her daughter was not worried, so she moved forward again. Zhang's mother watched her move forward without saying a word, and looked at her son Zhang Guoqing.
Zhang Guoqing saw his mother eagerly waiting for him and shook his head slightly. He couldn't show up, he also wanted to see what Zhou Jiao thought. Some things can't be concluded by analyzing a few letters or a few words. Many relationships depend on fate and can't be forced. He respected his lover's attitude and felt sorry for her difficulties. In both lives, Zhou Jiao suffered a lot in her childhood and suffered a lot of grievances. Parental love was a luxury for her. In the beginning of her previous life, she was not discouraged by her parents, but she became discouraged later. Fatherly and motherly love was too difficult for her to get. She often said that she had a weak relationship with her parents and had no relatives to rely on.
Lin Lishan mustered up her courage, stretched out her trembling hands and gently stroked her daughter's bony palms, drops of tears dripping onto them. She took a deep breath, looked up at her daughter, and seeing her daughter's sallow face, she held back her heartache and tears and asked her softly, "Jiaojiao, my Jiaojiao, you're so old now, and I haven't come to see you. You've suffered so much. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have given birth to you. You've made it as if you didn't have a mother. I shouldn't have done that. If your father saw you like this, he would be so distressed. How could I face him? Jiaojiao, you must hate me in your heart, right?"
It’s all mom’s fault. I didn’t take good care of you, and you suffered so much at such a young age. How could they treat my daughter like this? They all said that you were fine. Is that fine? How could they treat you like this? It’s all mom’s fault for being stupid. It’s all mom’s fault for not coming to see you. If mom had come to see you, they wouldn’t dare. My Jiaojiao, mom is sorry for you. I shouldn’t have listened to your grandpa. The Zhou family are not human. Even if you hate mom, mom won’t blame you. It’s all mom’s fault. It’s my fault as a mother. It’s all my fault. Why do you have to go find your dad? What’s the point of looking for him? Even his only daughter is going to die. Why don’t I find a way to come and see you? Even if it’s just a glance, it’s better than seeing it with my own eyes. I won’t let you suffer so much. "After saying that, Lin Lishan lowered her head and cried loudly.
Zhou Jiao sighed. How could she possibly hate him? Her tears nearly flooded the main room. She didn't know how she'd managed to survive when the news broke that her father had died. No wonder he couldn't raise her. She was so cautious and hesitant, someone who didn't know her would think she was a daughter.
Zhou Jiao patted Lin Lishan gently, took the handkerchief handed by Zhang Guoqing, wiped her face, looked at her with her head down, still crying, and sighed. She was too straightforward as a mother, with rich emotions and many tears. She was really afraid that she would be sentimental, which was not enough. She was even more afraid that if she was more tactful, she would not understand and would get the wrong idea. "Don't cry first, listen to me carefully. I really don't blame you now. I never hated you before, let alone now. Apart from not visiting me, did you lack food or clothes for me? You gave birth to me and raised me, and I still hate you. What kind of person am I then? The suffering and pain I have suffered were not caused by you. Maybe you will say that you should have not let the Zhou family raise me. But things have come to this. I am married and even have children. Let's think about the good side.
Speaking of blaming you, when I was little, before I was ten, I blamed you. At the Zhou family, they all said you didn't want me because I killed my own father. Even my grandparents didn't refute it. I blamed you. In the days without my mother, I didn't care about food and clothing, but when I saw others with their mothers protecting them and acting like spoiled brats, I blamed you. At that time, I missed you so much that I would not eat or wear clothes to be with you. Even if you hated me for killing my father, I would still be obedient. Even if you hit me, I would still be obedient and not make you angry, because I have no relatives left. You are the one closest to me in the world. Without my father, I only have my mother. I think when I grow up, a little older, and learn more skills, I can go find you and tell you that I can support myself and I don't need you to send money to support me. I just want to be with you because I really have no relatives left, only you.
After finally growing up to be 10 years old, the Zhou family became unbearable for me. Besides missing you, I could see through their words. I learned a lot of skills by myself. I learned secretly, such as medical treatment and embroidery. These are all skills to make money. I felt that I could go find you. I put aside my pride and thought about how to make grandpa agree to let me call you every day. When the call was finally connected, I was very excited. I felt that I was really great and I would be able to see you soon. But you refused on the phone. You said that you couldn’t take care of me. You asked me to wait a little longer and be obedient in my hometown. You must come back to pick me up. Hearing your cold voice refusing me to go find you, my heart was cold and my whole body was numb. I bit my fingers hard and understood a truth. I can only protect myself. I really have no relatives.
I received your letters for six years, yet I never even opened them. They wore new clothes and new pants. I knew they were all your money, but I didn't care. I just wanted to learn quickly, grow up, and leave the Zhou family. Two years later, after reading more books and being exposed to society, I learned more and began to calculate the years. I was born in 1940, the darkest time before dawn. Keeping me in my hometown was understandable, but when I was ten, liberation had just begun. Did you refuse me to go back then because you gave up on me, or did you have something unspeakable to hide? If it were me, I would do everything I could to see my children, even if it meant the swords of war. But I couldn't get it.
Do I hate you? No, I don't like to blame or hate others; it makes me too exhausted. I told myself that being alone is fine. I don't have to grieve for others, I don't have to worry about them. When I grow up, I can live my life however I want. No one cares about me, I just love myself. No one cares about me, I just cherish myself. A few years passed like this, I got married, and you didn't show up. I didn't have any expectations. I just wanted to live a good life.
Waiting in the delivery room and hearing Xiaowu's voice, I thought of my father and you. I wondered what kind of mood you were in when you gave birth to me? After going through the pain of childbirth, why didn't you care about your only daughter? Even seeing her once would be better than sending something.
Thinking about the money you sent every month, and hearing that you didn't remarry and I was your only child, why didn't you come to see me? We've met once, and even my grandmother Lin's house was nowhere to be seen. My dad must have one or two good friends, but I haven't met them either. I didn't pay much attention to these things before, but when I thought about it, it was very unusual. Later, I opened the letters I had kept carefully, the thirty or so letters that hadn't been opened in the past six or seven years. Maybe I didn't understand many things when I was ten years old, but now I can see that you have been looking for my dad. Looking at each different mailing address and then looking at the date, I feel better because I think that even if I go to you, I can't follow you around. For me, even if you never care about me, you love my dad, and that's enough. If you really remarry, then no matter how big the reason is, betrayal is betrayal. I feel much better because you can stay with my dad.
The other day, Xiaowu went to tell Grandpa and Grandma the good news, but he noticed a lot of things were amiss. He forced the Lin family's addresses back, intending to send them some local specialties as a thank-you gift and also telling them not to send anything anymore. Meanwhile, some unpleasant things happened, and he returned with several empty envelopes from the Lin family. When he came back and told us about it, we analyzed and pondered, and we realized that there was more or less a hidden reason behind Grandpa and the others' constant nagging about you abandoning me. After learning some of the truth, I've been feeling a bit angry these past couple of days. I'm sharing it today, and I'm not angry anymore.
Don't cry, I really have never hated you. Not only did you give birth to me, but I also survived on the money you sent me every month. You didn't come to find me, but you were looking for my dad, weren't you? So don't be sad, I really don't blame you. I can understand that my dad is so important to you, and finding him has become your only obsession. "
Lin Lishan hugged her tightly before she could finish her words, crying silently and stroking her daughter's head. For a moment, she didn't know how to express her heartache.
Tears fell on Zhou Jiao's neck, burning her heart and making it tighten. Deep down, she must have longed for maternal love, otherwise where would her sadness and secret joy come from? Whether it was her or the original Zhou Jiao, she would probably choose to forgive. She hoped that her father would return and have a home waiting for him. She believed in her intuition that her mother also had her in her heart.
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