He Yan had never thought that life would be so difficult, so difficult that he couldn't even take one more step forward.

She hasn't looked at the moon for a long time.

From the time she became blind to now, she has been living in a state of confusion. Xu Zhiheng comforted her and said he would always be by her side. He Yan also smiled and said yes, but no matter how calm she appeared, she was still confused and afraid. She had faced many difficulties in her life, and most of the time she just stood up with a breath of energy and told herself that it would be fine after taking this step. Unknowingly, when she looked back, she had already taken many steps.

This was the only step she couldn't take, and she didn't know how to take it.

No longer a general, He Yan, who became Grandma Xu, was just an ordinary woman. An ordinary woman suddenly became blind. Although her husband still treated her well, it was like a flower in the water, with a kind of illusory perfunctory attitude. She could not feel it.

On the Qixi Festival, she sat in the mansion until late at night, but Xu Zhiheng did not come back. She thought it was because of something in the court, but the next day she found out that Xu Zhiheng had accompanied He Wanru to visit the temple fair the day before. She groped her way to sit under the window in the room and listened quietly to the idle chatter of the maids outside.

"Yesterday, the master and his wife had a quarrel, and the old master knew about it. The master was in a bad mood, and we servants got into trouble. It's all because of that person in the East Courtyard."

"If you ask me, the eldest master is too soft-hearted. The man in the East Courtyard is now blind, so how can the eldest lady of our Xu family be blind? It's ridiculous. Madam has even turned down banquets outside these days because she doesn't want others to ask about it."

A young maidservant couldn't help but speak up for her: "Grandma wasn't born blind. It's very pitiful that she suddenly became like this."

"Poor? What's so pitiful about her? Even if she's blind, she can stay in the mansion every day and be served. At least she has enough food and clothing. What's the difference between her and a pet? The pitiful one is the master. She is so young, but she has to be tied to this blind man for the rest of her life. Our master is unparalleled in talent and learning. There is no woman he can't find? Why did he have to find someone like this?"

"Yes! You are the one who deserves pity!"

Words like these were like sharp hooks, drilling into her heart one by one, making her bleed.

At night she sat in the house, waiting for Xu Zhiheng to come back, and said to him, "Let's get divorced."

Xu Zhiheng was startled and asked gently, "Why do you say that?"

"Or you can just divorce me." She didn't like beating around the bush, so she told the truth, "Now that I can't see anymore, there's no need to drag you down."

"You and I are husband and wife," Xu Zhiheng held her hand and said, "Don't mention this anymore. Go to bed early."

He changed the subject but did not deny He Yan's use of the word "burden".

He Yan's heart sank gradually.

Every day after that, she lived a life of having everything provided for her, and often heard the servants secretly mocking her. Madam Xu also spoke to her in a veiled way, saying that He Yan was a burden to the Xu family.

Xu Zhiheng still treated her gently, but apart from gentleness, there was nothing else.

He Yan felt very tired.

She felt like she was walking on a dark night road with no one else on the road. She could not see the light ahead and there was no place to retreat behind her. She did not know when she would reach the end and end this torturous life.

A few days before the Mid-Autumn Festival, she said to Xu Zhiheng, "I know there is a Yuhua Temple on the Lotus Snow Mountain. There is a fairy tree in the temple that is particularly magical. Can we go to the mountain area during the Mid-Autumn Festival? I want to hang a ribbon on the tree and make a wish. Maybe my eyes can be cured."

Since she became blind, she had almost never asked Xu Zhiheng for anything. Xu Zhiheng was stunned for a moment, but finally agreed. He said, "Okay."

Maybe it's because when people are unlucky, even drinking cold water will get stuck in their teeth. In previous years, the Mid-Autumn Festival was always sunny, but this year, it rained for several days. When the carriage reached the top of the mountain, the sky was extremely gloomy. It was impossible to go down the mountain that afternoon. Maybe we had to stay on the mountain for another night.

Xu Zhiheng helped her walk into the temple. A monk put a red ribbon in her hand and told her where the fairy tree was behind the temple. He Yan stroked the red ribbon and thanked the man.

The monk put his hands together and said kindly, "Even if the karma you have created does not perish after a hundred thousand kalpas, when cause and condition meet, you will still have to bear the consequences yourself."

She did not understand the Buddhist scriptures, and before she could ask more, the other party had already walked away.

It was raining, and Xu Zhiheng accompanied He Yan to the fairy tree.

There was a stone table and stone bench next to the fairy tree, which was for the pilgrims who often came to hang red silk to write. Xu Zhiheng laid out the red silk for her, put the pen in her hand, and said, "Write."

He Yan wrote slowly based on his feelings: I hope I can still see the moon.

Without having to think about it, you know that the handwriting must be crooked and terrible.

After writing, she handed the red ribbon to Xu Zhiheng, who hung it on the fairy tree for her. He Yan couldn't see anything, so she didn't see it. Her husband stood up and casually hung the red ribbon on a branch at his elbow. He was even too lazy to tie the red ribbon and just hung it casually. There was no shelter from the rain on the tree, and in a few moments, the red ribbon was wet by the rain. The handwriting on it quickly became a blurry ink stain, and it was hard to see what was written.

"Let's go." Xu Zhiheng came over and helped He Yan leave.

There was a loud "boom" and a series of tiny thunderclaps. Suddenly a cool breeze blew up, rustling the branches. The red ribbon that was not tied was blown off by the wind and landed in a small pit of water, splashing all over the mud.

He Yan seemed to have sensed something and asked worriedly, "The wind is so strong, will it blow the silk ribbon away?"

"How could that be?" Xu Zhiheng smiled and comforted, "It's tied very tightly." After saying that, he walked over the red silk as if he hadn't seen it.

…

The rain shows no sign of stopping, so we have to stay in the mountains tonight.

Xu Zhiheng went to discuss sutras with the master of Yuhua Temple. It was already evening. The lights were on in the room and He Yan sat quietly.

Normally, she should have gone to bed to rest by now - a blind person, there was nothing to do except sleep and eat. But the rain was sparse tonight, and she couldn't sleep. She didn't know what time it was. She called the maid's name twice but no one answered, so she slowly walked out, holding on to the wall, intending to call someone.

As soon as I reached the door, I heard two maids talking.

"Just now I seemed to hear Grandma calling someone?"

"Is there anyone? Go ahead and yell, don't bother. It's so late, why would you ask for help? You're already blind and you're still making trouble. Do you really think you're an important person?"

He Yan was startled when he heard this.

These two maids were not her personal maids, but worked in Xu Zhiheng's room. They were usually very gentle and kind, and because of Xu Zhiheng, they always treated her with respect and courtesy. She had no idea that he was talking about her like this in private.

"If she hadn't wanted to go up the mountain today, we wouldn't have to spend the Mid-Autumn Festival here. It's raining outside, how unlucky. The eldest master is just too kind-hearted to be bothered by such a burden."

"You know the eldest master's temper. He seems to be indifferent on the surface, but he always has a grudge in his heart. Our Xu family has become a laughing stock in the capital. The eldest master has always been arrogant, and I think he must be feeling very uncomfortable. If I were her, I would hang myself with a rope to avoid dragging others down."

"Tsk! What nonsense is that!"

The maid who was speaking disagreed, "It's just like an animal, waiting to be fed every day, sleeping after eating, and being served forever. You can't leave the house, and you can't see, your life is boring. One or two years is fine, but if you have to be like this for the rest of your life, what's the point of living? It's better to die early and be free, and hope to be reborn in a good way in the second half of your life, so that you can see."

"Stop talking. There's hot water outside. Let's go get some."

The footsteps gradually faded away.

He Yan turned his back to the door and slowly slid down to sit.

Yes, one or two years will be enough. If it is like this for the rest of your life, what is the meaning of living?

The maids in the master's room, whoever the master thinks highly of, dare not step on. Since these two people can talk about her so casually, it is clear that Xu Zhiheng is not as regretless in the room as he appears in front of her.

But in this world, how many people can do it without regrets?

He Yan didn't know whether there was a light on in the house or not. To her, it was always dark. Suddenly, she felt hopeless. She practiced martial arts when she was young, went to school when she was young, and later went to the battlefield to fight for military merit. She spent her whole life making wedding clothes for others. She finally took off the mask and thought that everything could start over. But now she fell into darkness again, and was trapped in a square house for the rest of her life, and had to be followed by others every step she took.

People's despair is not accumulated overnight. Those little things in daily life eat up people's enthusiasm, and enthusiasm is consumed little by little. Disappointment and heaviness press on layer by layer, and the last straw falls lightly, with a splash, and hope sinks to the bottom of the water.

Despair is everywhere.

She groped and slowly stood up.

There was a belt left over from clothes in the room, so she grabbed her outer garment and put it on, picked up the bamboo pole she had used when she was blind, and staggered out of the door.

There were few people in the mountain temple, and because it was dark and raining outside, the monks had already gone into the temple. She walked aimlessly along the way and did not bump into anyone.

Thanks to her military service as a teenager, she had developed an amazing memory for the roads. She still remembered Xu Zhiheng telling her when they were going up the mountain that there was a dense forest at the foot of the mountain not far from the temple. The cascading waterfalls were like pearls and jade falling on a plate, magnificent and beautiful.

It's pretty good to have mountains, water and trees, but it's a pity that it's raining tonight and there's no moon she likes.

It was always inconvenient for a blind person to go out, especially on muddy mountain roads. She didn't know how many times she fell or tripped over rocks. She only felt that her clothes were soaking wet and her hair was messy. In the end, she was out of breath and didn't know where she was walking.

She fell in front of a tree and hit her head on the trunk. He Yan reached out and felt around. The tree was very big, and it must be an old tree.

The dense forest with the waterfall was probably out of reach, so it would be fine here. She had never paid much attention to external things, and it took her a long time to move a stone.

Exhausted, He Yan sat down on the stone.

The rain was getting lighter, hitting people in a dense stream. The young woman looked up at the sky, as if she could see the moon. Only the rain slid down her cheeks, and she wiped the water off her face.

“Don’t be a boat on the river, don’t be the moon on the river.”

"The boat carries people on their departure, the moon shines on people on their departure."

She had no reason to miss this world. The only thing she was reluctant to leave was that there was no moon tonight.

He Yan slowly stood up and touched the cloth at hand. The cloth was tied tightly. She pulled it down and found it was very stable and should not break.

He kicked the stone away.

…

The cloth that had been twisted into a rope broke with a sound.

He Yan was caught off guard and fell to the ground.

The mud on the ground splashed all over her. She was stunned for a moment and suddenly realized that the cloth was broken.

It's actually broken?

For a moment, she could no longer suppress the inexplicable grievance and sorrow in her heart. She choked for a moment, then sobbed softly, and then, she lay on the ground and burst into tears.

He Yan rarely sheds tears.

For a general, shedding tears is a behavior that affects morale. On the battlefield, she always has to maintain her confidence and spirit, as if no one and nothing can affect her judgment. When she is no longer a general, she feels that she is being pretentious when she wants to shed tears.

But people always have moments of weakness. They can endure it when they are ignored, when they are blind, when they hear the maids mocking and ridiculing them, and when their mother-in-law implies that they are a burden.

But if she couldn't even commit suicide and had to cut the cloth, she would not be able to bear it.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks and sinking into the soil beneath me. I couldn't tell which was rain and which were tears.

She was crying heart-wrenchingly, when suddenly, she heard a strange voice.

It was a man's voice. In the wind and rain, his voice was deep and pleasant, with a hint of impatience, he asked: "Why are you crying?"

He Yan's crying stopped abruptly.

Xiao Jue looked at the woman in front of him.

This was a woman who wanted to die. She had the sign of a wolf written all over her body. She wore a white lining and a red outer garment. The belt of the outer garment was tied backwards. Perhaps she had fallen a lot on the road, so her clothes had several rips. Her face was also extremely dirty, like a cat, covered in mud.

Xiao Jue has always been clean, and found this scene very irritating. Finally, she couldn't help but took out a white handkerchief and passed it over.

The woman didn't answer, but took a defensive stance and asked, "Who are you?"

He was surprised for a moment and noticed that the other person's eyes were a little wandering. He thought for a moment, put away the handkerchief, squatted down and asked: "Can you see it?"

The woman was stunned for a moment, then answered fiercely: "Yes! I am blind!"

Said it in a high-handed manner.

Fei Nu stood behind him and was about to step forward, but Xiao Jue shook his head gently at him.

He Yan clenched his fists vigilantly.

She just wanted to hang herself quietly, but now the cloth broke and strangers saw her in such an embarrassing situation. Why did God always treat her in such unexpected ways?

Xiao Jue glanced at her indifferently, bent down and picked up the flying knife on the ground. Just now, he used this knife to cut the cloth on the tree.

"What do you want to do?" He Yan asked.

Xiao Jue: “Just passing by.”

He is really not a kind person who likes to meddle in other people's affairs.

Having done this, I have done my best. Xiao Jue stood up, turned around and walked away. After a few steps, Fei Nu approached and whispered, "Today, there are only Hanlin scholar Xu Zhiheng and his wife in Yuhua Temple. This woman should be the blind grandmother Xu, He Yan."

He Yan? He raised his eyebrows. He Rufei's sister?

Xiao Jue turned around to look.

The woman had already found the cloth that had been cut into two pieces. The cloth was not long, but it could still be used after being cut into two pieces. She first used half of the cloth to measure her neck twice, and after confirming that it was still usable, she used the cloth to tie a knot tremblingly.

She actually wanted to hang herself again.

Xiao Jue found it a little unbelievable, and then he wanted to laugh.

This kind of obsession, which is almost stupid, is very similar to that of her cousin.

Most people seek death just in the heat of the moment, hanging themselves, jumping into a lake, or jumping off a cliff while they still have time to breathe. When the moment really comes, most people will regret it in their hearts, but it is too late to regret.

Since this woman has already experienced the feeling of near death, she would not seek death again. But I didn't expect her to be so persistent and continue to do it even after the rope broke.

He should have ignored it. No one can stop someone who wants to die.

But Xiao Jue's mind suddenly emerged a scene many years ago, also on a Mid-Autumn night, when the young man returned home anxiously, but what he was waiting for was his mother's cold corpse.

The scene before him seemed to overlap with the past, and for a moment, he couldn't tell what day it was.

Fei Nu was behind him, looking at him in confusion.

Xiao Jue took a deep breath and finally compromised. He walked over to the woman and asked, "Why are you seeking death?"

He Yan was startled.

She had clearly heard the other person's footsteps leaving, so why did she suddenly turn back? She had been compromising all her life and being manipulated by others. Now that her life was over, she was no longer willing to consider others. She was already unhappy that this person was meddling in her affairs, so she vented all her anger on the other person.

She almost yelled back: "What the hell is that to you!"

The young man grabbed her arm and pulled her up from the ground.

He Yan was shocked and struggled twice, but she had already stumbled and had no strength left, and she couldn't see, so she was dragged away. After taking two steps, she was left behind and sat down on the ground.

The ground was soft and it was a patch of grass.

The man seemed to be standing next to her, bending over to face her, and said in a cold voice: "Why are you seeking death?"

He Yan was also filled with anger, and shouted, "I told you to mind my business! There is no moon today, so I am looking for death! The road up the mountain is too slippery, so I am looking for death! The rope I tied is about to break, so I am looking for death! I met someone like you who meddles in other people's business here, so I am looking for death! Is that ok?"

She yelled fiercely with tears rolling down her cheeks. The tiger, who was originally so imposing, looked more like a wet wild cat with nowhere to go.

Fei Nu stood nervously behind Xiao Jue.

It was rare that the second young master Xiao was willing to patiently take care of such trivial matters, and it was even rarer that this woman was so fierce.

After He Yan finished yelling, he suddenly felt something being wiped on his face. It was soft and dense, like clouds pulled down in spring.

Indifferently, with a barely perceptible hint of tolerant, warm and comforting voice rang out.

"If you really want to be strong, it doesn't matter if you are blind. Even if you are blind, you can still be the most unique among the blind."

Her rage came to an abrupt end.

All the wickedness and weakness are exposed to the public.

"It's okay. Although I can't see, I can still hear. It's okay as long as you are with me." She said to Xu Zhiheng with a smile.

How can it be okay?

How can it not matter?

She traced her eyes with her fingers over and over again at night, praying to God to have mercy on her so that she could see the light again the next day. They didn't know about the nights when she tossed and turned, the nights when she gritted her teeth and told herself that it didn't matter, the nights when she pretended to be calm and couldn't deal with herself.

They don't understand anything.

A stranger passing by understood.

She couldn't cry, couldn't be seen as weak, couldn't complain, couldn't lose her temper. It had been so long, so long that these emotions had become like silkworms spinning silk, wrapping her up layer by layer into a solid coir. She sat alone in the coir, cut off from the outside world.

He Yan outside the cocoon is gentle, optimistic, and always smiling and thinking of others. He Yan inside the cocoon is in pain, aggrieved, and tries his best to suppress his cries for help.

Over the years, from "He Rufei" to "He Yan", she has actually never taken off her mask.

Until tonight, a stranger passing by saw through everything, took off her mask, and discovered her tears.

All her defenses and vigilance were instantly deflated. She slowly lowered her head, and even more tears fell.

I thought He Yan would stop crying after saying this, but she cried even louder. The rain showed no sign of stopping, and the grass beneath them was already soaked by the rain.

Xiao Jue hooked his finger, and Fei Nu came forward. He took the umbrella from Fei Nu's hand and held it on He Yan's head.

He Yan still didn't stop.

He had never seen such a fierce, bad-tempered woman who could cry so much. It was hard to imagine that He Rufei, who was such a cheerful and naive person, could have such a completely different sister.

Xiao Jue was stunned by the crying and could no longer bear it. Finally, he said, "Stop crying."

“Why can’t I cry?” She bared her claws at the person feeding her like a stray cat. Her voice was already hoarse, but she still wanted to argue: “Not only am I crying, I’m also trying to die. I’m already like this. What’s the point of living? Wuwuwuwuwuwu…”

Xiao Jue: “…”

He had never coaxed a woman before, and this was the result of his first attempt? He was so stubborn?

"What do you have to do to stop crying?" He suppressed his anger, "and stop hanging yourself."

He Yan sobbed and cried. At this point, she actually no longer had any thoughts of committing suicide. Sometimes people are just stuck at that juncture. If you get through it, it’s over. If you can’t get through it, you can’t afford it. This passerby came out of nowhere, and his words were not very warm, but...

But she didn't want to die.

She said, "If you could give me a piece of candy right now, I wouldn't want to commit suicide."

When she was young, she loved to eat sweet things, but after she turned five, Mrs. He was very strict about everything about her. She was afraid of being exposed, so she had to change her sweet habit like a girl. Later, she joined the army, where there were no sweet candies, only coarse dry biscuits. After she got married, He Yan saw He Wanru was sick one day, and Xu Zhiheng went to see her and brought her a small box of preserved fruits.

Every time He Wanru took a sip of medicine, Xu Zhiheng stuffed a candied fruit into her mouth. He Yan saw this when she passed by the window, and for a moment, she felt jealous. She didn't know whether she envied Xu Zhiheng for being so good to He Wanru, or she envied He Wanru for being able to get a lot of sweetness after enduring a little bit of hardship.

He Yan had never been willful before, but for some reason tonight, he seemed to want to take his willfulness to the extreme with this stranger.

The young man was slightly startled and turned his head to look at the person next to him.

The woman's face had been wiped roughly with a handkerchief, and her cheeks were still covered in mud. Her eyes were slightly red and swollen, but surprisingly bright, and her stubborn expression seemed familiar.

He actually looks like a clumsy teenager.

He was silent for a moment, and used his slender fingertips to untie the sachet around his waist.

Fei Nu was shocked.

The dark green bag was held in his hand. He pinched the bottom of the bag, and a piece of osmanthus candy wrapped in candy paper poured out.

After so long, the candy wrapper has been stuck to the candy, and it is so black that you can't see its original appearance. After Mrs. Xiao died, Xiao Jue took the last piece of osmanthus candy with him. Over the years, this candy has accompanied him through many difficult years. When he can't hold on any longer, looking at this candy, he seems to be able to taste a little sweetness in the world.

This was the only sweetness in his life, and now he was going to give it to a woman who was crying and trying to commit suicide. He thought that he no longer needed sugar in his life, so let it be.

He Yan felt something being stuffed into his hand.

She subconsciously clenched her fists, wanting to peel them off.

"You can't eat it." The man's voice rang out beside him.

"What?" she asked, "Are you lying to me? You picked up a random stone and told me it was candy?"

He Yan heard the other party's voice and said with a hint of disappointment, "This is the last piece of candy left in the world. It's very sweet, but you can't eat it."

"Are you sick?" He Yan never knew that she was such a pushy person. She thought that this person must have a good temper and a soft heart to tolerate her nonsense again and again. She said, "It's very sweet and inedible. There is only one in the world. Is it a gift from His Majesty?"

She didn't see that the handsome young man sitting next to her lowered his head and smiled calmly, saying, "It's more precious than what Yu gave me."

While the other party wasn't paying attention, He Yan quickly tore open the candy wrapper and stuffed it into his mouth.

"You..." He was stunned.

"I've already eaten it and swallowed it!" He Yan said shamelessly.

There was no reply.

This was the first candy she received in her life. The taste of the candy was very strange, mixed with her tears, so bitter. She thought, so be it.

"Has the rain stopped?" She didn't feel the raindrops falling on her body, so she stretched out her hands and scratched around, asking the people around her.

The young man beside her had been kneeling on one knee, holding an umbrella for her. The umbrella was not big, and most of his body was soaked. His angular face and eyelashes were covered with tiny water droplets, which made his eyes look soft and gentle.

“Stop.”

"Is there a moon in the sky?"

The sky is gloomy, without a single star in sight. Where did the moon come from?

He replied, “Yes.”

"What's it like outside?"

"The bright moon is like frost, the gentle wind is like water, and the scenery is endless."

He Yan smiled for the first time tonight, "That's great."

She heard someone beside her ask, "Don't you want to die?"

"No."

"If you don't want to die, go home." He said, pulling He Yan up. He Yan subconsciously wanted to grab his hand, but the slender hand with distinct joints loosened very quickly.

Xiao Jue walked up to Fei Nu and whispered, "Send the person to Sister-in-law's room and ask Sister-in-law to send him back. I'm a man, so it's inconvenient for me to come out."

Fei Nu agreed.

Before leaving, he suddenly added: "Warn Xu Zhiheng not to go too far."

This means that he wants to stand up for He Yan.

Fei Nu came over and wanted to help He Yan. He Yan seemed to sense that the other person was about to leave, so she reached out in the direction of that person and said, "...Thank you, who are you?"

He didn't say anything. He Yan only had time to grab a corner of the sleeve, which slipped through her hand. It was cool and soft, like moonlight.

Clearly she couldn't see anything, but she vaguely saw the light, warm and cool, hot and bright, without any blame, patiently, tolerantly, seeing through all her secrets at a glance, and then wrapping her in tenderness.

In the end, she didn't know who the other person was.

That was the worst Mid-Autumn Festival He Yan had ever experienced. She was covered in mud, unkempt, and just a hair's breadth away from despair. Fortunately, the moon was always by her side.

There was no moon that night, but the moonlight was so beautiful. That thin and soft light has warmed her for many years.