Inside the Golden Throne Hall, the melody of stringed instruments swirled around the carved beams and painted rafters. Aguda, the Northern Di envoy, rushed out clutching his stomach as if his butt was on fire. He felt a surge of energy in his stomach, the "laxative tea" he'd just drunk transforming into a raging army, surging through his intestines. The white marble steps rippled under his stumbling steps, and the jade belt around his waist clanged with his violent movements, like a string of panicked wind chimes.
"Sir Messenger, please stay!"
A clear, silvery female voice suddenly echoed from behind, sending Aguda shuddering. The pain in his waist forced him to arch his back, like a wolf whose tail had been stepped on. He turned around to see Shen Weiwan, holding Wawa and holding Kengkeng, standing beside the gilded bronze crane at the entrance to the palace. Her red-gold hairpins shone a tiny gleam on her temples, and her phoenix eyes smiled at him, a smile as sweet as a sting coated in honey. Kengkeng clutched half a piece of osmanthus cake, the crumbs clinging to the corner of his mouth. Wawa clung to Shen Weiwan's shoulders, her little finger pointing at his back and clapping her hands.
"What advice does the Seventh Prince's wife have?" Aguda suppressed the churning discomfort in his stomach, his voice trembling like a dead leaf in the autumn wind. He saw the lotus embroidered on the hem of Shen Weiwan's skirt swaying gently with her steps, and suddenly remembered a poisonous weed on the grassland that would stick to horse hooves, and his heart inexplicably tightened.
Chen Weiwan walked down the steps, her skirt embroidered with gold and jade, lifting the hem of her skirt. The morning dew reflected tiny glints on the stone steps, revealing the cunning in her eyes. "Don't worry, my lord. The toilet is the third one on the east side. I just had a servant sprinkle some mare's milk from your hometown to disinfect it." She paused, her fingertips lightly brushing through the loose hair at her temples, and her finishing words were like a poisoned dagger, "Oh, by the way, you ran too fast just now, and the jade belt hook seems to have come loose~"
Aguda instinctively reached for his waist. As his fingertips touched the cool jade belt buckle, he felt his trousers' waistband suddenly sink. The moment he lowered his head, his pupils constricted. Due to the violent shaking of his belt while running, the jade belt hook had unhooked. His moon-white brocade pants had slipped down most of the way, revealing his buttocks, which were covered in dark gray long johns. The knees of the long johns had been visibly worn with holes.
"Ah!" Aguda let out a scream, inhuman. He scrambled to pull up his trousers, but the sudden abdominal pain forced him to double over. The hole in his buttocks was particularly glaring in the morning light. This embarrassing scene was witnessed by the civil and military officials who had been chasing out of the hall, and they instantly erupted in thunderous laughter. The Prime Minister leaned against a stone pillar, his beard trembling with laughter. The Imperial Censor shielded his face with his tablet, but his shoulders shook like sieves. Even the golden-armored guards turned their backs, their stifled laughter escaping through the crevices of their armor.
"Master Envoy, be careful with your steps!" Shen Weiwan raised her voice in a feigned concern, but her hand gently patted Wa Wa's back. "Don't fall on your butt. The bluestone slabs in this hall are very rough~"
Kengkeng immediately added in a childish voice, "Uncle Messenger, the holes in your autumn trousers look just like the insoles that my big yellow dog chewed through!"
Wow, Wow, pointed at him and laughed breathlessly: "Looks like... looks like a sheep's butt drying in the sun on the grassland!"
Aguda felt a surge of blood rushing to his head, his vision blackening. He no longer cared about the envoy's dignity. Clutching his stomach, he scrambled towards the toilet. Behind him, he heard Shen Weiwan's thoughtful admonition: "Slow down, sir! Running too fast can easily lead to pooping in your pants!" The voice, carried by the morning breeze, felt like countless needles piercing his already tattered dignity.
Inside the Golden Palace, the emperor held onto the dragon throne and laughed so hard that he coughed and tears came out of his eyes: "Xiao Yu, your wife is even better than the comedy troupe I hired!" He pointed at Aguda's staggering back outside the palace, and his jade belt hooked on the armrest of the dragon throne beat out a cheerful rhythm.
Xiao Yu shook his head helplessly, but his eyes followed Shen Weiwan's figure, his eyes filled with a doting smile: "I'm sorry to make you laugh, Your Majesty. My wife has a lively personality, but she just can't stand outsiders bullying our Da Sheng." He thought of Shen Weiwan grinding croton powder under the lamp last night, and the corners of his mouth couldn't help but rise.
When Chen Weiwan returned to the palace, Chuntao was already waiting by the side with a cup of warm water. She covered her mouth with a handkerchief and laughed: "Madam's finishing blows are really deadly. I saw that the envoy's face has turned purple."
"To deal with this kind of provocation, we have to use principles they can understand." Shen Weiwan took the handkerchief and wiped her fingertips, raised her eyebrows and looked out the window, "Otherwise, do you think my Dasheng is a soft persimmon that can be squeezed by anyone?"
Aguda stayed in the toilet for a full hour. When he emerged, his face ashen, as if he had just walked through the gates of hell. He dragged his legs, which felt like they were filled with lead, out of the side hall. Suddenly, a child's clear singing rang out from the corner: "The Northern Di envoy is shameless. He drank laxatives and ran like a dog. His pants fell off, revealing his white buttocks. Hahahaha—" Seeing him emerge, a few naughty children clapped their hands and laughed as they ran away, leaving Aguda frozen in place, his fingers digging deep into his palms.
He returned to the banquet hall, gritting his teeth. He saw Shen Weiwan chatting and laughing quietly with Xiao Yu. A plate of yellow croton cakes sat on the table. Upon seeing him enter, Shen Weiwan stood up and bowed, smiling gently and charmingly. "Is the envoy well? I've asked the kitchen to prepare some croton cakes. They're said to help with blood circulation. If you're hungry on the way, you might want to try some."
"You..." Aguda was so angry that he was shaking all over, and his vision was black. "Evil woman!"
"Emissary, please be careful with your words." Xiao Yu's face darkened, and as he stood up, the hem of his robe blew a gust of cold air. "Do you think you can insult my wife's name so casually?" He tapped the table with his fingertips. His voice was low, but it carried the dignity of a prince. "If the envoy has no intention of marrying you, please return."
Aguda looked at Xiao Yu's cold eyes, then at Shen Weiwan's half-smile, and finally realized that staying any longer would only make him more embarrassed. He suddenly threw his sleeves, skipping even the formality of saying goodbye, and rushed out of the palace with the envoys as if they were escaping.
Three days later, a new ballad was being sung in the streets and alleys of the capital: "The envoy has come to seek marriage, there's a misunderstanding in the throne room, croton is added to the laxative tea, and the holes in the autumn trousers are exposing the white buttocks!" The naughty children clapped their hands and sang, chasing the beggars crossing the street, throwing pebbles at them, and laughing so hard that they fell over.
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