The Dasheng Dynasty's morning court bell had just rung its third time, and the bronze bells on the eaves of the Hall of Supreme Harmony tinkled softly in the morning mist. Ambergris smoke rose from the gilded bronze crane incense burner, shattered by a faint, acrid aroma of croton powder. The emperor reclined on his nine-dragon gilded dragon throne, the bright yellow cushions tilted at one corner, a stark reminder of his drooping eyelids. The Minister of Revenue was cadencedly reporting the treasury deficit, each number like a tiny nail hammering against his temple.
"......Your Majesty, if the tariffs on the Southern Chu trade route are reduced further, I am afraid that the annual loss of silver will be 200,000 taels..." The voice of the Minister suddenly rose, and the golden dragon carvings on the beams were so startled that a layer of dust fell off.
The emperor yawned, the sleeve of his dragon robe brushing against the imperial desk, knocking a stack of memorials askew. He was about to speak when the palace door creaked open, and Shen Weiwan rushed in, clutching a gilded brocade box. The hem of her Nine Phoenix court dress was dotted with croton powder, looking like a handful of gold in the morning light.
"Your Majesty, I pay my respects to you, Father!" As she performed the great salute, her knees just touched the ground as she put the brocade box down the steps. The "dong" sound made Little Li stagger at the foot of the steps, and the whisk almost swept over the emperor's bright yellow dragon boots.
The emperor raised an eyebrow, and the golden dragon on his robe swayed with his movements. "Wan'er, what are you doing here again? You just swindled me out of 100,000 taels yesterday, and now you want to steal from the national treasury?"
The entire court, civil and military officials, bowed their heads in unison. The clinking of jade belt buckles against court robes couldn't mask the violent shaking of their shoulders. Who didn't know the Seventh Prince's wife was a devoted rip-off? Last month, she "borrowed" the Empress Dowager's Dongzhu bracelet to use as a teaching aid. When she returned it, each bead was embedded with croton powder. The Empress Dowager dozed off with the bracelet on, and when she woke, she burped for half an hour.
Shen Weiwan blinked her eyes, her fingertips quickly wiped off the powder on her skirt, and the action of opening the brocade box was comparable to presenting a treasure: "Father, I, your daughter-in-law, am offering you auspicious signs!"
The moment the lid of the box was opened, a fist-sized toad poked its head out. The word "auspicious" was scribbled crookedly in gold powder on its back. Seeing the bright yellow color of the dragon throne, it croaked twice. The emperor leaped from the throne with a roar. His bright yellow robe swept across the imperial desk, sending the mountain of memorials scattering to the ground with a clatter, causing the ashes in the incense burner to fly out.
"There's an assassin--!" Little Lizi screamed and rushed forward. Just as his whisk touched the toad's back, the beast suddenly croaked again. He was so scared that he rolled and fell down three steps. The black gauze hat fell squarely on the head of the censor, causing suppressed laughter from everyone in the hall.
The Imperial Censor laughed so hard his tears fell on the memorial, blurring the words "National Treasury Deficit" into a blob of ink. The Minister of Revenue crouched on the ground, clutching his stomach, his tablet clattering against gold bricks. Even the most staid Prime Minister couldn't help but shield his face with his tablet, the laughter that escaped through his fingers startling the sparrows under the eaves. The Emperor stood on the Dragon Throne, the hem of his robe still trembling, pointing at Shen Weiwan's nose, his dragon whiskers curling up in a splay: "Shen Weiwan! What...what did you stuff into my robe?!"
"Auspicious sign, Father!" Chen Weiwan raised her innocent face, her fingertips poking the dragon robe that swayed at the emperor's waist. The croton powder on her court robes pattered onto the steps. "Listen to this 'listen to the croaking of frogs'! It clearly foretells a bountiful harvest this year, and the granaries will overflow!"
The emperor looked down and saw that there was indeed a bulge at the waist of his robe. He was so frightened that he jumped up again and almost knocked over the throne: "Quick! Get this thing out of here!"
The guards rushed over and tried to lift the dragon robe. The toad, whoosh having probably been trapped inside for too long, jumped out, leaped over the guards' palms, and croaked as it jumped onto the prime minister's black hat. It grabbed the hat brim with its front paws and shook it, letting gold powder fall into the prime minister's collar.
"Auspicious signs are coming!" Chen Weiwan clapped her hands and cheered, her skirt sweeping across the memorials scattered on the floor as she closed the one on "Trade Route Customs." "Look, Your Majesty, even the Prime Minister has been blessed. This year, the Ministry of Revenue will surely collect an extra 100,000 taels, just enough to buy croton powder for the children!"
The Prime Minister froze in place with a bitter face. The toad on his black gauze hat trembled, and gold dust almost fell into his official boots. The emperor was so angry that he blew his beard and glared, but then he heard Shen Weiwan speak again, her voice sweet as honey: "Father, this auspicious sign is not easy to come by. We must build an 'Auspicious Pavilion' to worship it, and allocate some funds for repairs..."
"That's enough!" The emperor jumped down from the throne. His robe was wrinkled like a pickled vegetable leaf, and it was stained with wet marks from a toad crawling on it. "You are clearly finding ways to embezzle my funds!"
Chen Weiwan knelt down with a plop, her forehead almost hitting the cold steps: "Father, please understand! The Cheating Academy is almost out of croton powder. The children can only use last year's old beans that cracked during the sun for the 'honesty beans' experiment..."
"I approved 100,000 taels just last month!"
"But the children are developing new laxatives!" Shen Weiwan suddenly looked up, her eyes shining like a lamp, and the croton flower embroidery on the collar of her court robe swayed with her movements. "For example, the 'Confession Leniency Pill' that can persuade corrupt officials to surrender their stolen goods, and the 'Honest Beans' that make liars fart the moment they speak. All of this is for the court's anti-corruption cause, Father!"
The emperor leaned on the armrest of the dragon throne, panting, staring at the croton powder on the hem of Shen Weiwan's skirt. He suddenly remembered the jade seal she borrowed last month - she said it was for a certificate of completion of the academy, but the seal was all a crooked smile pressed by croton powder. He was so angry that he couldn't sleep well for three days. He sighed, and the sleeves of his dragon robe rustled loudly: "Forget it, forget it, I'll give you another two hundred thousand taels..."
Shen Weiwan's eyes instantly lit up like stars, and the croton flower hairpin in her hair almost hit the ground when she kowtowed.
"But!" The emperor suddenly leaned over, the collar of his robe brushing against the top of her head. His tone was vicious but also tinged with a smile. "Next time you try to stuff a living thing into my robe, I'll send you to the croton fields to help your aunt dig out manure, and you'll have to smell croton farts every day!"
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