The foul odor of the Imperial Hospital's side hall, mingled with the sour, rancid smell of croton seeds, made the copper bells on the eaves hum and tremble. Liu was tossed onto the mottled examination bed by two constables like a sack of rotten potatoes. The dried feces on her blue cloth skirt crumbled into powder and fell off. A strand of pig bristle grass was still tangled in her bun, and a dark green moldy spot was smeared on her right cheek—a "parting gift" from the old sow in the pigsty that morning. The coptis root enema she had just been forced down exploded in her stomach. Before Doctor Wang's silver hairpin could even touch her pulse, she clutched her buttocks, howling and sprinting towards the toilet, her wooden clogs clacking against the blue bricks in a frantic rhythm like drumbeats.
"Is this Liu from the General's Mansion?" Doctor Wang, his beard and hair white, pinched his three-inch-long silver nails, his brows furrowed in long frowns three feet from the bed. Shen Weiwan leaned against the peeling red lacquer doorframe, twirling a Suzhou embroidery handkerchief embroidered with twin lotus flowers. She watched helplessly as Liu slipped on the moss at the toilet door and fell flat on her back. The stench from her skirt made the young eunuchs waiting in the corridor collectively step back. One of the new maids couldn't hold it in and vomited on her companion's shoe with a loud "wow!"
Chun Tao covered her mouth with her hands, her shoulders shaking with laughter, the hem of her skirt brushing against the spiderwebs in the corner of the wall. "Look, young lady, the Seventh Prince's predictions were so accurate. He said my aunt could sing 'Water Curtain Cave' in the Imperial Hospital!" Chen Weiwan raised an eyebrow, the corners of her handkerchief-covered mouth curled up into a proud crescent. "Of course, but don't you see who changed the medicine? It's the new 'Pili Tongli Powder' released by Wang Ji on West Street. Half a spoonful can give a working ox diarrhea for three days. I gave her three full bottles!"
Suddenly, a muffled "dong" echoed from the toilet, followed by Liu's faint moan. Doctor Wang shakily moved to the toilet door. As soon as he lifted the stained straw curtain, he was driven back five steps by the fumes. Droplets of foul air clung to his silver beard and fell. "Oh my God! This woman's pulse is as smooth as a swimming fish and as rapid as a startled magpie. She's clearly been poisoned by the croton worm!"
Shen Weiwan immediately raised her hand, a harmless smile on her face: "Grandpa Imperial Physician, I guess she must have eaten something unclean~" Before she finished speaking, Liu Shi came out, holding on to the earthen wall. The water stains on her trouser legs were like a river, and her eyes were as vacant as a dead fish that had been soaked in water for three days: "It's not me... It's Shen Weiwan... She poisoned the soup..."
"Oh?" Chen Weiwan tilted her head, the coral bead hairpin in her hair gleaming with tiny rays of light. "Aunt was still chewing moldy bean cakes in the pigpen yesterday, how come you were poisoned by croton today? Could it be that the old sow in the pigpen turned into a spirit and secretly sprinkled laxatives into your food bowl?" The young eunuchs around her were trying to hold back their laughter until their faces turned red. One of the quick-talking eunuchs chuckled and was pinched hard on the arm by his companions.
Doctor Wang twirled his beard, looked Shen Weiwan up and down, then looked at Liu who was twitching on the ground, and suddenly slapped his thigh: "Oh! I remember now! The porcelain bottle of 'Tong Li San' and the arsenic bottle at Wang Ji on West Street are both made of black pottery! This woman must have mistaken the laxative for poison and drank it herself!"
"Doctor, you are better than a living god!" Shen Weiwan clapped her hands and smiled with her eyes curved. The pearl pendant on the handkerchief hit the door frame with a tinkling sound. "I said that my aunt was kind-hearted. How could she do such a thing as poisoning? She must have wanted to clear her stomach, but she slipped and took the wrong medicine~" Liu rolled her eyes in anger. Just as she was about to refute, she was seized by a severe abdominal pain. She rushed into the toilet again, holding her stomach and wailing. This time, the "splashing" sound of water coming from the toilet was like someone pouring a bucket of water inside.
"Oh my God!" Doctor Wang took a step back in shock, knocking over the medicine cabinet behind him. "How many croton seeds did you take?!" The young eunuch next to him bravely peeked through the crack in the toilet door, and when he came back, his face was paler than the wall paint: "Doctor, Doctor... the bluestone slabs in the toilet have been washed until they shine..."
Chen Weiwan pulled out an otter-skin handkerchief to cover her mouth and nose, her fingertips trembling with delight beneath it. Last night, when she had Chuntao change the medicine, she'd deliberately padded the bottom of the bottle with lard—when Liu escaped, her fingernails were choked with pig feces, and the bottle cap slipped when she twisted it, so she'd have to shake the entire bottle of laxative into the soup. Now, listening to the incessant gurgling of water in the toilet, she seemed to see Liu's well-maintained face, now wrinkled like a bitter melon by diarrhea.
"Someone!" Imperial Physician Wang wiped the sweat from his forehead and tapped his jade ring on the medicine cabinet. "Quickly get three pounds of Chencang rice to make porridge! And five pounds of Chinese yam to mash!" Several apprentices stumbled away, but from the toilet came Liu's shrill cries: "Don't force me to drink... Let me die... Wuuwuwu..."
Just then, the familiar sound of horse hooves echoed from outside the courtyard. When Xiao Yu entered, he saw Shen Weiwan squatting at the toilet door, holding a bowl of dark medicinal juice. She called sweetly into the crack of the door, "Auntie, drink it while it's hot! After you drink this 'anti-diarrhea soup,' you'll be able to go to the Ministry of Justice and eat prison food tomorrow."
"What are you messing around with again?" Xiao Yu shook his head helplessly, the hem of his dark brocade robe sweeping across the water stains on the ground, startling several flies that were stunned by the foul smell. Shen Weiwan stood up, handed the medicine bowl to the constable next to her, and patted the dust off her hands: "I'm not messing around, I'm just being considerate of my aunt, worried that she won't be able to adapt to the climate in the prison~"
Liu heard it clearly in the toilet and banged her head against the wall in anger: "Chen Weiwan! You little bitch, you will die a miserable death—" Before she could finish her words, she was drowned out by a louder sound of diarrhea, so loud that even the cicadas outside the courtyard stopped abruptly. Xiao Yu suppressed his laughter, grabbed Shen Weiwan's sleeve and walked out: "If you stay any longer, the orchid fragrance on your body will be smoked into the smell of croton."
The two of them walked to the entrance of the Imperial Hospital, where the afternoon sun scorched the bluestone slabs. Shen Weiwan suddenly grabbed Xiao Yu's sleeve, a sly glint in her eyes. "Your Highness," she asked, "do you think Auntie's actions...will cause the Imperial Hospital's manure pit to collapse?" Xiao Yu looked down at her, a smile filling his eyes. "Don't worry, the Ministry of Justice's manure cart is waiting outside the wall. Once she's emptied her intestines, we'll take her directly to the prison."
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