Chapter 83 You Don't Deserve It
Ji Yun's jaw tightened instantly. He abruptly turned his head to avoid Jin An's touch, then stood up and took two steps back.
Seeing his reaction, Jin'an suddenly narrowed her amber eyes. The candlelight flickering in her pupils, which should have been warm, inexplicably revealed a bone-chilling coldness.
"I've heard you've been quite pleased with yourself lately. Could it be... that you've already put all those past events behind you?"
Ji Yun's hands, hanging silently at his sides, tightened silently, his knuckles turning white, but his face remained calm: "This humble official dares not forget. Princess, rest assured, I will do my utmost to study a cure for your illness."
Jin'an slowly stood up, a sharp sneer flashing in her eyes. She took two steps forward, approaching Ji Yun.
She raised her hand again.
Ji Yun subconsciously took another half step back.
Jin'an's complex emotions surged even deeper. Her outstretched hand paused in mid-air, slightly faltering as he stepped back. However, she did not retract it but instead moved forward and gently picked up a small, grayish-white feather from the brocade robe on his shoulder.
Those were left by the pigeons that were startled and flew away during the chaos in the garden.
She held the feather between two fingers, her voice soft yet carrying a natural chill, like a venomous snake silently approaching, its forked tongue sending a sudden shiver down one's spine. "The fifteenth of every month is the day you lecture at the Imperial Medical Bureau. For three years since you entered the Medical Academy, you have never missed a day, rain or shine."
“Today is an exception. If you just didn’t want to miss Aunt Jingfu’s birthday banquet, that reason doesn’t hold water, since you didn’t attend the previous two years either.”
With a slight tightening of her fingertips, she clenched the feather tightly into her palm, raised her eyes, and locked Ji Yun's gaze with a cold, hooking look. Her tone was not a question, but a resolute assertion: "Are you worried about her?"
Ji Yun suddenly looked up and met her eyes.
In an instant, a chill crept up from the bottom of my heart.
For the first time, he felt so clearly that this seemingly delicate woman before him seemed to be hiding a terrifying danger.
Since she returned to the palace as a widow three years ago, he has come to check on her every month as a routine. At first, she was taciturn, and the two barely communicated except for necessary doctor-patient exchanges.
His relationship with her was more about fulfilling his brother's dying wish.
For him, curing her heart ailment was a heavy responsibility that he had to fulfill after taking on the role of the Ji family's medical doctor, in place of his elder brother.
There is nothing else.
Only now did he truly see what kind of stubborn madness was surging deep within those eyes that were usually misty and appeared innocent and fragile... and even a torrent of hatred.
"This humble official does not know what the princess means," he suppressed the shock in his heart and deliberately kept his voice calm, "Today's lecture at the Imperial Medical Bureau has been canceled in advance because the head of the institute has an urgent matter to attend to."
He avoided her uncomfortable gaze and reiterated, "For the princess's illness, a peaceful state of mind is of utmost importance. It is getting late, and I have finished my examination. I will not disturb you any longer and will take my leave."
After saying that, he turned to leave.
Just as his fingers were about to touch the door, Jin'an's voice came softly from behind him, not loud, but each word like an ice pick, piercing his eardrums:
“Ji Yun, in this world, there is no reason why someone can kill another person and still pursue their own happiness with a clear conscience.”
You don't deserve it.
Do you understand?
He stood with his back to her, his body stiffening for a moment, his breath catching in his throat. In the end, he didn't turn around, but instead pushed the palace door open even harder and stepped into the boundless night outside.
When Ji Yun returned to the Ji residence, the night was already as dark as ink. The sky was pitch black, with only a clear, cold full moon hanging high, casting its hazy glow quietly on every corner of the Wutong Courtyard.
He strolled to the window in front of the house, his gaze falling on the clump of Xiangfei bamboo.
The weather has been hot and dry for days. Although the bamboo leaves were watered just yesterday, the edges of the leaves are now slightly curled up, showing signs of dryness, and have lost their daytime luster under the moonlight.
He silently brought over a small bucket of water, squatted down, picked up a wooden ladle, skillfully scooped up the water, and then evenly and slowly poured it onto the soil around the bamboo roots.
The sound of water seeping in layer by layer, even though he was exhausted and his eyes were glazed over, the way he cared for the bamboo had become a habit ingrained in his bones, flowing smoothly and without the slightest hesitation.
The moonlight, like a ribbon, flowed silently, enveloping the small courtyard and the clump of Xiangfei bamboo swaying gently in the night breeze, its green shadows dancing. The tear-like stains on the bamboo leaves were faintly visible in the moonlight, adding a touch of desolation.
Looking at this familiar greenery, memories flooded back uncontrollably.
This clump of Xiangfei bamboo was a birthday gift personally delivered by Princess Jin'an to my elder brother Ji Zhao on his sixteenth birthday eight years ago.
Princess Jin'an was in a difficult situation in the palace at that time, but she had a broad mind and loved to tend to flowers and plants, living a contented life.
Knowing that Ji Zhaosu admired the noble spirit of bamboo, she went to great lengths to find these extremely rare and precious Xiangfei bamboo seedlings.
Ji Yun still remembers that when she came that day, she carefully wrapped the few tender seedlings in soft, damp black silk and placed them in a sandalwood box lined with moist moss. The way she treated them with such care was as if she were holding not bamboo, but a rare treasure.
Even with her meticulous care, the seedling, after going through several hands, was still drooping when it was finally delivered to Ji Zhao. The edges of several tender leaves were already scorched and curled, and there were even tiny insect bite marks on the back of the leaves, making it look like it was about to die.
Jin'an was only sixteen years old at the time. Seeing the gift she had carefully prepared in such a state, her eyes instantly reddened. She was both annoyed and heartbroken. She reached out to take the box back, her voice choked with sobs, "Brother Zhao, it's better...it's better not to waste your time. Look at it like this, it's probably not going to survive...I'll...I'll find another one for you..."
Ji Zhao accepted the wooden box with a smile, his gentle eyes and brows as warm as a spring breeze.
He brought Jin'an and the young Ji Yun to the Wutong Courtyard, found a cool and sheltered corner, neatly rolled up his sleeves, and began digging a hole.
He looked down at the frail little bamboo seedling in his hand, his gaze showing no disdain but rather determination and gentleness, and softly said to Jin'an:
“Jin’an, look, it’s just that the journey was bumpy and it lost moisture. Its roots haven’t completely withered, and there’s still a bit of green in the center of its leaves. It’s like a person who is sick and weak, but it’s not that medicine is ineffective.”
“If we plant it now, water it carefully, remove the pests, and protect it from the scorching sun, it may very well flourish in time. Just as plants thrive, so too do people. As long as we have the will to live and are not willing to give up, there will always be a day when it grows lush and verdant. You must believe in it.”
At that time, weren't Jin'an and Ji Zhao just like this bamboo seedling that was born with some defects and was in a difficult situation?
Despite suffering from a heart ailment, Ji Zhao never wallowed in self-pity. Instead, he diligently studied medicine, faced his limitations with equanimity, and remained optimistic and open-minded.
He always treated Jin'an, who was in a similar situation and struggling in the palace, with the same patience and gentleness, offering him careful guidance.
After her birth mother passed away at a young age, Jin'an's life in the palace was like walking on thin ice. As an unfavored princess, she also suffered from a congenital heart disease, and few people truly cared about her.
Only Ji Zhao, every time she entered the palace, would carefully prepare a copy of the new medicine prescription that her grandfather had prepared for her. In addition, she would bring her many novelties from outside the palace walls, such as a few interesting travelogues or a few packets of sweet pastries from the streets.
Therefore, at that time, everyone in the palace said that Princess Jin'an was aloof and taciturn.
But Ji Yun knew that she was completely different in front of her brother Ji Zhao than she was in front of outsiders. She actually loved to talk and would whisper many trivial thoughts, her eyes shining with genuine light. However, she reserved that dependence and intimacy solely for Ji Zhao.
Later, with the combined efforts of Ji Zhao and Jin An, the clump of Xiangfei bamboo finally took root in this soil, albeit tremblingly.
After Ji Zhao finished planting the bamboo, his forehead was covered with fine beads of sweat, and even his clothes were soaked with sweat.
At that time, Ji Yun just stood at a distance and did not go forward to lend a hand. He had never liked plants that were too straightforward and did not know how to be tactful.
Qing Shu stood with him, watching them from afar, because the two seemed to have their own little world and wouldn't allow anyone to come forward to help.
For countless days and nights afterward, Ji Yun was filled with remorse. He shouldn't have refused when Ji Zhao asked for his help that day.
That was Ji Zhao's sixteenth birthday, a time of youthful vigor and ambition. However, he only had time to leave behind a clump of newly planted Xiangfei bamboo before his life was forever frozen on that day.
The trouble started with a pigeon that Ji Yun brought back. The pigeon fluttered its wings and flew in front of Ji Zhao, startling Ji Zhao, who was taking medicine, causing him to cough incessantly. His already fragile heart could not withstand the sudden shock, instantly triggering his heart condition.
When Ji Zhao lay dying on the bed, Ji Yun could only slump outside the door, his body ice cold.
Inside the house came his mother's suppressed sobs and his father's sorrowful sighs, like countless fine needles piercing his eardrums. Everything before his eyes was distorted into chaos and desolation.
Ji Zhao used his last bit of strength to call him inside.
He practically crawled to the bedside, tightly grasped his brother's cold hand, and choked back sobs again and again: "I'm sorry... Brother, I'm so sorry..."
Ji Zhao's face was as pale as paper, without a trace of blood, but the eyes that looked at him still held the usual gentle, spring-like tenderness.
He struggled to raise his hand and gently rubbed his younger brother's hair, his voice weak but clear: "It's not your fault... Yun'er. To have lived to this day and witnessed so much beauty in the world, your brother... is already very content."
Ji Yun shook his head violently, tears streaming down his face, pleading incoherently, "No...please, don't go..."
“A real man…doesn’t shed tears so easily.” Ji Zhao wiped the wetness from his face with his fingertips, letting out a barely audible sigh. “But…there are still things on my mind that I can’t let go of, and I can only entrust them to you.”
He paused for a moment, then continued, "My grandfather is old and has devoted his entire life to medicine. He has placed great hopes on me... I cannot bear to see him live the rest of his life in regret. From now on, would you be willing to take my place... to fulfill your filial duties to my grandfather, carry on his legacy, and uphold the honor of the Ji family?"
Ji Yun nodded vigorously, then shook his head desperately: "I don't want to! I hate those medical books and herbs the most... You're not allowed to die! You chose this path, you have to walk it yourself!"
Ji Zhao didn't take his childishness to heart, but just smiled helplessly, a weak yet tolerant smile.
“Father is reasonable, so I am not too worried. Only Mother… is very sincere, and I'm afraid she will have a hard time letting go after I leave. Ming’er is still an infant, and from now on… you will be the eldest son in the family, so you must take good care of them for me.”
His gaze gradually shifted towards the door, landing on those amber eyes that were red and swollen from crying.
“There is one more person… who I cannot rest easy about.” He looked at Jin’an, his eyes filled with pity and regret. “Jin’an has had a difficult life, and he suffers from the same heart ailment as me… I was determined to exhaust all my knowledge to find a cure. But now it seems… that fate has not allowed him to live long enough.”
“I promised her that I would cure her illness and let her live to be a hundred years old… Now I cannot do it, but I don’t want to break my promise. I can only entrust this matter to the person I trust most, and only then can I feel at ease. You will not… disappoint me, will you?”
With that, the gentle curve of Ji Zhao's lips had not yet completely disappeared when his hand, which had been suspended in the air, fell limply to his side. His eyes, which were always warm and gentle, slowly closed and never opened again.
Ji Yun turned around in a daze and looked at Jin An by the door.
At that moment, a heavy, almost suffocating sense of guilt pressed down on him like a mountain.
He will always remember the look in Jin'an's eyes at that time.
Those beautiful amber eyes seemed to have been drained of all life in an instant, leaving only a deathly grayness and indifference, as desolate as a field burned by raging fire.
When her empty gaze slowly moved to him, the surging, boundless darkness within it, like a silent storm, almost swallowed and crushed him.
She remained silent throughout.
But on that day, Ji Yun no longer had the courage to face such gazes.
Looking back now, Jin'an's hatred was deeply sown from that time, and over the years, it has become deeply entrenched and integrated into her very being.
A night breeze rustled through the bamboo beneath the window, its dappled shadows swaying in the moonlight.
The once frail, dying seedling has now grown tall and lush, its shade verdant. But the person who planted it with his own hands, smiling and promising to watch it flourish, is gone forever.
You don't deserve it.
Jin'an's icy voice still lingered in his ears, intertwining with the moonlight filling the courtyard and the rustling of bamboo, suddenly transforming into an invisible net that tightly bound him.
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