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Today I read the author's words in the latest chapter of Kissing Fingertips, and saw that he said he took a self-test online and found that he had mild depression.
After reading it, I felt a strong desire to talk.
I thought back on my dull and boring life, and in the end I can only say that most women can withstand stress better than men.
If I want to play the victim, I am really miserable. I was abandoned by my parents who favored boys over girls when I was a baby. I grew up in the home of my relatives. I was bullied by other children in the village because everyone knew that I had no parents to take care of me. I stumbled and groped my way through my teenage years. I had thoughts of suicide countless times and spent many years in a daze.
My parents took me home when I was ten years old, but at that time, I felt like an outsider and was in an awkward situation. My parents were typical rural people, relatively ignorant, and didn't know how to educate or love, which led to our family being unhappy.
I have an older sister. People are always more tolerant of the first child, but they hate me, the second child. I was born in 1990, when the family planning policy was strict. In order to have a son, my parents gave me to relatives to raise after I was weaned at ten months old.
I used to resent this until I later learned about the events from other relatives. It turned out that as soon as I was born, my grandmother strongly demanded that I be thrown into a cesspool and drowned.
My grandfather and my father couldn't bear it and delayed taking action. Later, the youngest son of my grandfather's sister's daughter died, so they discussed letting me take over that child's household registration and then send the child to be raised in the home of my biological aunt. But in terms of the household registration, I have called her "po-in-law" since I was a child, which means grandmother.
My parents were lucky. They gave birth to a son secretly as they wished.
So, my sister grew up with my grandmother, I grew up with my mother-in-law, and only my brother grew up with my parents. When I was ten years old, they settled in Huaihua and decided to take me over to study.
From the age of ten to eighteen, I was in an awkward state. I experienced a lot of grievances, my heart was dark, and I had frequent thoughts of suicide, but I was still timid. Standing on a tall building, imagining the bloody scene of jumping down, I was still afraid.
I crossed the busy road with my eyes closed, but luckily I was not run over by a car. When I opened my eyes, I felt like I had survived a disaster.
Let me tell you why I wanted to commit suicide. Not to mention the preference for boys over girls and the different treatment they give me, my parents are also extremely frugal. If I leave the lights on for too long, they will tell me about it. I am terrified to use the washing machine every time, afraid of being scolded. I frantically think of excuses in my mind, like the clothes are too heavy, they can't be wrung out in winter, they are not easy to dry, etc.
As for summer clothes, they are all washed by hand and the washing machine is just a decoration.
There are countless things like this.
So after the college entrance examination, I went to Shenzhen with my friends to work in an electronics factory.
My parents gave me more than three hundred or five hundred yuan, and a train ticket cost one hundred and seventy yuan. After I got off the train, my friend's sister picked me up in a taxi and didn't let me pay for the fare. I registered for the interview on the first day, stayed in a hotel outside for one night, and then went to the factory with my bag.
After I joined the factory, I didn’t get paid until the second month. I only had a little money given by my parents and a hundred yuan I had saved, so I ate instant noodles for a whole month.
Before this, I always thought instant noodles were delicious, and I was extremely envious when my younger brother ate them.
Later I vomited.
I went to a Sino-Japanese joint venture company with very strict corporate culture and management. It was there that I suffered the first hardship in my life.
Later, when the college entrance examination results came out, my father called me and asked me to go back to fill out my application form. I suddenly felt that it would be better for me to continue studying. Unfortunately, it was too late and I could only go to a junior college.
Because I was in a laissez-faire state in high school, I even fell ill before the college entrance examination. I took injections for three days and then went to the examination room.
After I went to university and moved away from my parents, I gradually got better and was no longer depressed. At that time, I had the living expenses from my parents and the money I earned from working, so I was not so anxious.
But the sad thing is, because I was eager to make money and get away from my original family, I trusted a high school classmate during the summer vacation of my freshman year, was deceived into joining a pyramid scheme, and was detained for seven days.
But I am lucky!
There was a big brother from Shaanxi who pretended to be brainwashed and said he would call his parents to ask for money, and then reported the news in his hometown dialect. So his brother and friends rushed over and joined forces with the police to rescue us.
At that time, I was tough and clear-minded, and was not brainwashed by them at all. I also found loopholes in their rhetoric time and again, leaving the other party speechless with my questioning.
So after being detained for seven days, when I was clamoring to drag everyone to death with me, the other party pretended to agree and prepared to transfer my detention location.
It was at that time that the eldest brother’s relatives and friends came and rescued me. If I had been transferred, I might have suffered a lot.
Afterwards, the big brother said that because he knew I was not brainwashed, he was the first to bring people to rescue me after he was rescued.
As I type these words, tears are streaming down my face and I am deeply moved.
I was grateful to him, but I also asked myself, if I called for help, would anyone come to rescue me?
On the train back home alone, I asked someone for a cigarette and smoked my first cigarette in my life. I hate the smell of cigarettes, but when I smoked by myself, it seemed that I could not smell the disgusting smell of cigarettes.
This may have something to do with my mood at the time.
Later, in my sophomore year, because of my major, my family bought me a computer, and I compensated by watching a lot of movies, TV series, and variety shows.
It was also at that time that I started writing books.
To be precise, I started writing novels in notebooks in junior high school, and I have also written poems, songs and so on.
But I actually wrote the book in the second semester of my junior year. I was an intern for the entire semester. Then I was eager to make money, so I wrote a 1,150-word book.
I think I am a person with some talent. My first book was passed smoothly and after that I basically didn’t fail, but I didn’t make a lot of money either.
Kissing Fingertips and I fell in love online. We met in the author group, and then our brain waves matched. I am from Hunan and he is from Jiangxi. Most people may not marry far away, but for me, marrying far away is an advantage, because I am eager to get away from my original family.
After that, everything was just ordinary. Just two otakus, nothing much to say.
Let’s get back to the topic of depression.
Postpartum depression should be a familiar topic. Due to physiological and psychological reasons, most women will suffer from postpartum depression. I naturally had it too, but it was fine when I had my first child. Except for the panic and panic, I was fine.
But when I had my second child, my son was a night cryer when he was three or four months old. He was noisy every day and couldn’t eat or sleep well. In addition, at that time, I had accumulated three years of fatigue, so I often went crazy in the middle of the night. When the child cried, after all the ways I tried to coax him didn’t work, I could only yell along with him. If I didn’t vent the pain in my heart, I might not be able to bear it.
When my son was one year old, he was hospitalized for seven days due to acute gastroenteritis. I stayed in the hospital alone day and night, suffering so much that I could only vent my emotions by beating myself.
But no matter how difficult it was, we still got through it.
I have always regretted having a second child, and as for a third child, I dare not even think about it.
Kissing his fingertips, he said he was depressed. I thought about it again and again, and most of it was his personal reasons. Of course, from his perspective, I may have also put pressure on him. I hope he can update the 4,000 words steadily, I hope he keeps his word, and I hope he can make more money to buy a bigger house.
I didn’t have an independent bedroom when I was a child, so I hope my children can have independent bedrooms. Now the house is too small and there is only one empty room. If I have two daughters, they can have bunk beds.
No matter how much he earns, he keeps the money himself. He pays for the mortgage and car loan, but I pay for the family's living expenses. In the years when I gave birth to my child, he had no money at all, not even the mortgage. It was only after the publication of "The Taoist Swordsman at Night" last year that he started making money.
I usually ask him to take the kids for a walk in the neighborhood and exercise, but he refuses. He stays in front of the computer every day, reading novels, watching variety shows, and writing a few words.
Then he would go out drinking with friends from time to time, leaving me alone at home to take care of the baby. Even so, I had a requirement for myself, which was that I had to write 4,000 words after starting the book.
I am a Taurus, and I am very concerned about making money. I will never throw away any perfect attendance.
He is a Pisces, and I never know what he is thinking or hoping for, or rather, he has a lot of ideas but few actions.
I have been married and lived in Jiangxi for ten years, but due to work and personality issues, I don’t have many friends here. Before I had a child, I often hung out in the author circle. After I had a child, I focused on raising the child and didn’t write a book for a few years. Then I didn’t even have any author friends.
Sometimes, I have a strong desire to talk, but I can't find anyone to talk to, because when I talk to Fingertips, he either doesn't listen at all or is not interested.
So many readers know that I particularly like to reply to everyone’s questions, because I need some daily conversations to maintain my normal psychological needs.
I dissected my inner self and recalled the past thirty years. Time has passed and things have changed, and I have many feelings.
In conclusion, I hope that my friends who come to support me from Kissing Fingertips will give him your precious monthly tickets. I hope he can enter the top ten of the new book monthly ticket list.
He had always been ranked fifth or sixth, but because his updates were not frequent and the big brother’s products were put on the shelves in the middle of the month, he was squeezed out.
It's so pitiful. With his updates, the new book monthly ticket list is already his peak. I hope he can get the tenth place!
(End of this chapter)
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