Chapter 60 (Revised) One sincere heart, two kinds of...
【Yu Bai, I love you.】
The jarring noises made it impossible for Chang Yubai to concentrate.
He thought the Heart-Cleansing Mantra was the most effective way to calm the mind in the world, but it turns out that in the face of a sufficiently powerful "demonic sound," the Heart-Cleansing Mantra is nothing more than that.
But that "demonic sound" brought with it a vivid image: the gentle, smiling master with light eyebrows standing before him, his words carried on the wind to his ears, stirring a heart that had been dormant for many years, like a dream.
The lost dreams are almost intruding into reality.
Chang Yubai could only open his eyes again.
It was already evening, and the master and apprentice couldn't very well spend the night staring at each other in the wilderness; it didn't fit their lifestyle or their aesthetic sense.
In silence, they walked side by side through the city, one on the left and one on the right, and simultaneously entered the inns and taverns that were about to close.
After choosing their respective bedrooms, the master and disciple went to clear their minds.
Chang Yubai's mind returned the instant the door closed.
It was as if this cramped bedroom had become a spiritual sea that trapped his consciousness, dragging his physical body down into the confined space.
The night in Parkson City is devoid of bustling crowds. Looking out of the bedroom window, the streets are deserted, leaving only endless silence and desolation.
The two rooms were separated by only one wall, and the wall had very poor sound insulation; perhaps a large movement could be heard by the person behind the wall.
When Chang Yubai realized this, he quietly pricked up his ears, but he could only hear the brown owl calling at night and no other sounds.
I suppose he's asleep, or perhaps meditating.
Chang Yubai regretfully withdrew his attention.
As night deepened, he still had many thoughts that he hadn't figured out, but now that he had come to his senses, there was no need to dwell on the so-called past events... At least, that's what he thought before the Mind-Cleansing Mantra was recited.
Then he changed his posture, closed his eyes to meditate, and performed a series of actions to purify his mind.
Unexpectedly, his mind was as heavy as a mountain, and he could not resolve his worries.
Tonight was definitely the night he recited the Heart-Cleansing Mantra the most, and also the night he recited it the worst.
The words and phrases that I had memorized perfectly became difficult to pronounce; the mantras that I had recited a thousand times in my mind crumbled into a mess after I sat down to sit.
He could only open his eyes, letting his emotions churn uncontrollably.
But it shouldn't be like this... Chang Yubai thought to himself, it shouldn't be like this.
But when it comes to what exactly he shouldn't have done, even he himself can't figure it out.
He was certain that he had not used Xiaoyun as a substitute, nor had he compared Xiaoyun to anyone else. He also did not want Xiaoyun to die because of the plot's arrangement, becoming a cannon fodder who made a miserable exit.
Throughout his life, he has only ever focused on one person—at least that's what he firmly believes.
But the image of Venerable Qingyun confessing his love to him kept flashing before his eyes.
[That's not Master, that's Xiaoyun.]
He repeated the words to himself over and over again, trying to overcome his obsession with sheer numbers.
But the memories I have are undeniable.
That was indeed Xiao Yun, but it wasn't just Xiao Yun. It was Xiao Yun playing the role of her master from her previous life. In other words, what had been tugging at his mind for so long was Li Qingyun from his previous life.
The Jingyuan Stone cannot be faked.
If Xiaoyun hadn't glimpsed the shadow of her past in his heart, why would she have humiliated herself by pretending to be someone else?
All the clues point to that person from my past life.
Chang Yubai had to admit that his heart trembled when he saw Li Qingyun confess to him in the manner and tone of a master.
Nostalgia? Reluctance to part? Regret? Sorrow?
He never imagined he would see his master again, and he never pondered what kind of emotion this was.
"[Master...]" he murmured in his mind.
But he knew what it was.
That is longing.
That was the raging tide he had fought against with all his might for many years.
That was something he suddenly realized, but it was already something he could no longer obtain.
He longed to return to the wilderness outside the city, to the place where he had torn through space, to enter another dimension, and to see his master's remains again—his master lay peacefully on the bed in the cave, and just outside the bedroom door was his favorite little courtyard.
There are the sights he cares about most there, and the people he cherishes most.
However, he had already buried the past in his grave.
He still remembers his master's instructions.
From this day forward, you must restrain your desires and refrain from letting your mind wander.
【Yu Bai, if I am not by your side in the future, you must remember: do not linger in crowds, do not neglect your cultivation, do not let your heart be restless and turbulent, do not casually make friends with strangers, do not…】
"Master..."
Finally, he couldn't hold back his tears.
A low sob escaped his throat, muffled and unclear, but only he knew what he said: "I miss you so much."
Only after seeing the most authentic version of someone emerging from their memories can you know who you truly care about.
But how can he go back to a past that no longer exists?
His master told him countless times not to look back, but even if he really went back to that time, how could his master agree?
What about Xiaoyun?
He raised Xiaoyun for over a decade, but where did he put her after that?
[It's not that I can't tell the difference.]
Chang Yubai had always been aware of the difference between the two.
[I just don't want to admit it.]
What he most sincerely longed for was indeed Li Qingyun, who was already dead.
He had an unyielding affection for Xiaoyun, and he regarded Xiaoyun as the hope of his life. But he never thought about why it had to be Xiaoyun, or why he abandoned his past life without hesitation and chose this life.
He had forgotten the waves of grief he felt when his master died. He remembered his first life, when the doctor in the white coat pointed to his diagnosis report and said that his symptoms were called "dissociation".
Twice, he felt no pain of death. His body shielded him from much sorrow, and he forgot the bitterness of being abandoned by his loved ones. Because the pain was so deep, his mind was numb, and the instinct to live outweighed the desire to die.
When he opened his eyes for the first time after his death, he saw white robes swaying in the moonlight, and the intimate caress of his palm gave him a warmth he had never experienced before, attracting all his attention.
When he opened his eyes for the second time after death, the face he cared about most returned in its youthful form, shattering the many regrets brought about by the previous ending and rebuilding a pillar in his world.
Behind each of his deaths lies a series of forgettings and severances.
He never mentioned his first life to Venerable Qingyun, just as he wouldn't tell Xiaoyun about his master's past.
The past is not something to be reminisced about; it holds too much sorrow that he cannot bear.
But the person who supported his will to make a living was always Li Qingyun.
A century has passed, and finally someone exposed this matter to him.
But what happens after you expose it?
[Who can give me back the Li Qingyun I want?]
Li Tiansheng took his master away forever with just one duel. From then on, there was no more Venerable Qingyun, no more master who raised and doted on him.
[I could raise a thousand or even ten thousand Li Qingyuns, but none of them would be you.]
Perhaps time can be turned back a thousand times, but Li Qingyun, the first person to reach out to him, has already died forever in the dust of the past.
[Li Qingyun, I have already buried you.]
His master will never wake up again.
Sadness enveloped Chang Yubai, as if an invisible hand was pressing down on his head, forcing him to immerse himself in a sea of remorse.
Until he smelled a hint of blood.
He came to his senses and found that the Anning Sword had appeared out of nowhere, its tip embedded in his thigh, and blood stained his white clothes.
The sword of peace was humming.
Seeing that its master was no longer troubled by his obsession, the Tranquility Sword shook off the bloodstains, wiped itself on its master's clothes, and returned to its sheath, disappearing without a trace, as if the previous signs were just an illusion.
Only blood testifies to the truth.
Perhaps due to the overwhelming emotions, he found it difficult to even breathe, his heartache was being suppressed, and his fists were clenched tightly.
After some effort, he remembered something.
Some things that happened when he was young and impetuous, but he couldn't understand them.
He remembered a time when he was so engrossed in digging a hole that his whole face was covered in mud. His master sighed and reached out to wipe it off for him, but he accidentally trembled because of the itch and accidentally brushed his lips against his master's fingertips.
Then Venerable Qingyun withdrew his finger as if he had been electrocuted and hurriedly left, leaving behind only his puzzled disciple and a sleepy Wuyuan Sword.
When spring arrives, the fragrance of toon leaves fills the courtyard. Chang Yubai always loves to bask in the sun with half a tender bud in his mouth. When he sees his master coming, he will hand him two leaves and ask his master to taste them together.
Venerable Qingyun pondered for a moment, then reached out to his disciple's mouth, snatched the half-spoon of toon with teeth marks from his beloved disciple's mouth, and put it into his own mouth. He savored it carefully and gave it a fairly palatable evaluation.
However, Chang Yubai's reaction was too bland. After waiting for a long time without any special response, Venerable Qingyun could only frown and return to the house.
Chang Yubai remained bewildered, still standing there full of questions, still unable to understand why his master was ignoring him.
A cultivator's memory far surpasses that of an ordinary person, and it is precisely because of this that he can always see details when he recalls them, and he also realizes more clearly that... perhaps his master in his previous life was not so proper after all.
Perhaps his dazzling master was not, at all, a stubborn old man who had sealed his heart and locked away his love.
The only one who truly doesn't understand love is himself.
But what good will it do to know?
He can figure out his own feelings in one night, but can he come up with a way to bring his master back to life in one night?
He was glad that they had chosen to go in both directions.
He regretted that the two of them were ultimately destined not to realize their truths at the same time.
The wind howled past the window, bringing a unique coolness to the evening.
His thoughts were scattered by the wind, but he forcibly brought them back together.
He didn't intend to close the window.
If you know someone's feelings, you know them; you shouldn't pretend you don't see them.
He wasn't the one who understood the other's feelings first, nor was he the one who clearly understood the thoughts between master and disciple.
Beyond the partition wall, someone else was waiting for his answer.
[If only I were a heartless person.]
If Chang Yubai were a cultivator of the ruthless path, a simple cold rejection would suffice, and no one could criticize him; perhaps he himself wouldn't even have thought anything of it.
Where in the Guanwu Continent does the ruthless path come from?
He just chanted the Heart-Cleansing Mantra too much, not that his heart stopped beating from chanting it.
He shouldn't dwell on the past, nor should he be trapped in a world from which he can never return.
Even though his hands were trembling uncontrollably, and even though his body was completely out of his control, the more Chang Yubai tried to respond, the more the emotions hidden deep in his heart wanted to burst forth and be released.
But... he still remembered his master's sighs.
From this day forward, you must remember and abide by these rules.
Self-discipline and adherence to propriety are merely formalities for us. What you truly need to learn is to conceal your emotions and hide your traces in this world.
[Yu Bai, restrain your temper. We can no longer be as arrogant as before.]
No matter how intricate the spell, it is utterly powerless in the face of true obsession.
Like his master, he believed in that saying from beginning to end.
Don't look back.
A glimmer of light entered our field of vision.
Daylight broke.
[sorry. ]
This time, it was Chang Yubai who let out a sigh.
"sorry."
...
Li Qingyun was waiting for her master early on.
He deliberately gave Chang Yubai enough time to think, so that his foolish master could figure out the sources of the contradiction.
He even changed into a light green outfit, tied his hair up in a casual style, with his beard hanging down to his collarbone, and smiled, exuding the vitality unique to young people.
This is something that even that stubborn old master could not possess.
Out with the old, in with the new. Judging from all the signs yesterday, Li Qingyun was quite certain that her master would choose her.
He has successfully shaken the position of his master in Chang Yubai's heart, hasn't he?
The master has wavered. If he wavers, he will face a choice. After comparing, how can the dead possibly win against the living?
Li Qingyun had already seen the dawn of victory.
He looked out the window at the bright view and couldn't help but take a deep breath. The morning air, carrying the fragrance of last night's flowers, was refreshing and invigorating.
When Chang Yubai solemnly came to her side, Li Qingyun smiled even more brightly.
He wanted to say hello and tell his master that there was no need to rush, that he was very patient, after all, they had a long, long future ahead of them.
But Chang Yubai's firm words suppressed his joy.
"Xiaoyun, I'm sorry."
I cannot reciprocate your feelings.
"..." Li Qingyun withdrew her smile.
It's always like this.
Once again, at the moment when he was most confident of victory, he was dealt a heavy blow.
He thought one night would be enough for Chang Yubai to figure things out, but he didn't expect that Chang Yubai would figure it out too well.
This has completely exceeded his expectations.
"Brother!" He tried to interrupt Chang Yubai, but he couldn't stop him.
Chang Yubai wasn't incapable of understanding love; he simply veiled it, and it could only be perceived when it was forcefully torn away.
But no one expected that the heart that was torn apart was not an unclaimed wilderness, but a place that had already been branded with a name.
The name of the person to whom the document belongs is Li Qingyun, but it is not the Li Qingyun sitting in front of Chang Yubai now.
It turns out that the living cannot defeat the dead.
"Feel sorry."
An apology reignited Li Qingyun's anxiety.
"So no matter what, you can't bear to part with your grandmaster?" Li Qingyun was the one who couldn't understand.
Chang Yubai's resolve was unwavering; with a single nod, he cut off all avenues of retreat.
Even if you were filled with anxiety and sorrow because of me yesterday, and lost in confusion because of a confession, it still couldn't compare to the lingering scar in your heart, right?
Li Qingyun's heart was burning, but his whole body felt icy cold.
He was unwilling to accept it; he had clearly seen Chang Yubai's pained expression yesterday...
...Wait, is it really Chang Yubai who is suffering for him?
The icy warmth intensified, and Li Qingyun suddenly wore a bleak smile, stubbornly asking, "Master, just how important is he to you?"
Chang Yubai answered without hesitation: "Indivisible."
Despite the passage of time and the passage of life, his obsession still compels him to follow that lingering shadow. Though he vows in his heart to abandon everything from the past, he retains only the traces left by that person.
It is of paramount importance and cannot be separated.
"Because he's dead?"
"no."
"Is it because he brought you unforgettable regrets?"
"Maybe."
"What if I die at Li Tiansheng's hands just like him?"
"!!!" Chang Yubai looked up in shock.
"Xiaoyun!" he shouted, almost angrily. "What are you saying?"
"Ha... even this isn't allowed?" His change of expression had a different meaning in Li Qingyun's eyes.
Bitterness filled her face, and even though she was smiling, it looked no different from crying.
But ultimately, the one who falls in love first is the most powerless.
Li Qingyun chose to compromise: "Don't worry, Master, I know you care about me too."
This affection can only remain at the level of teacher and student; it will not advance any further.
But his wishful thinking ultimately came to nothing. Even if he wasn't a substitute, he couldn't surpass the important place in Chang Yubai's heart.
He arrived late, but if he hadn't come later, he wouldn't have even been able to meet Chang Yubai.
Even Li Qingyun herself couldn't tell which hypothesis was worth being thankful for.
"I won't do anything to make things difficult for you again," Li Qingyun said.
But a sob escaped unnoticed.
"But I'm not willing to accept this..."
If only there were a rain, he would rush into the rain, use the rain to cover his tears, use the natural scenery to cover his inner bitterness, and then, as the wind blows by, he would wail and let all his sorrow and anger drift away into the world.
He was unwilling to accept it.
"I'd rather you treated me like him."
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