Chapter 81 My story can't be just me...
The last thing a person should deny is their own value.
Li Tiansheng spoke his story very softly, as if a gentle breeze could easily scatter all his doubts into dust.
But the wind stopped.
When he began to recount his suffering, all that remained was emptiness.
Against the backdrop of the vast darkness, a sound as small as a needle pierced through the ear, leaving behind only pain mixed with blood and tears.
"I...made a lot of mistakes."
"Many things require me to keep looking back before I realize that I was wrong."
"The further you look, the more mistakes you'll find."
In fact, Li Tiansheng is not someone who likes to look back. He has been proud, crazy, and once moved forward with unwavering determination for his ideals.
But he could never give up everything that had stagnated behind him.
He once thought he deserved the love of the world. He had a carefree and romantic nature that ordinary people could not imagine. He always believed that as long as he wanted to achieve something, he could get it with a little effort.
But fate always loves to play tricks on people.
Fate always crushes the indomitable spirit.
...
Even after more than 120 repetitions, his confidence in changing the world could not be extinguished.
Who has more resources to fight against fate than him?
Who has more reason to claim the world's fame than him?
Li Tiansheng's eyes were always filled with confidence and pride, as if his straight spine was harder than all the hardest rocks in the world stacked up, as if his angry black eyes would never stop burning.
He is a chosen one, the person in this world who most deserves all the good things.
—This is what Li Tiansheng firmly believed.
He is the hope for salvation, and the one who can turn suffering into happiness.
— Li Tiansheng was so certain.
"My world is my domain, and I call the shots!"
"If it doesn't work this time, there will always be another time, but you can only fail once!"
At that time, he regarded the Guanwu Continent as something in the palm of his hand. Li Tiansheng, who had already become a god, was extremely determined to liberate Guanwu from its shackles and restore a bright and clear world to the people he loved.
Until... Li Tiansheng discovered that the sense of belonging and the rewards he firmly believed in did not seem to belong to him.
Through many lifetimes, he made many close friends, soulmates, mentors, brothers-in-arms... Countless people have left a deep mark on his story, but as the story is rewritten, some people have made different choices.
At first, Li Tiansheng did not know the reason, but this did not stop him from moving forward.
It was just a coincidence that they weren't on his team. Li Tiansheng looked at the vacant position and quickly figured out who could fill it again. After all, he was the main character, and as long as he was making decisions, it wouldn't be a big problem if anyone was missing.
As long as he persists, he will eventually succeed.
It's just that one of my brothers no longer considers me a brother, and we've become strangers.
It was simply that someone's affections had faded, and they had become strangers;
It's just that an elder stopped caring about his growth and he became a stranger;
However, some people who should have worked alongside him have turned against him and stopped walking alongside him.
But so what?
Does the absence of these people mean he will be defeated?
His brother's cultivation level wasn't unparalleled; he could always find another equal to him and continue to stand shoulder to shoulder with him.
He has no shortage of beautiful women throwing themselves at him; he doesn't care if one or two are missing, as there are plenty of women who fall in love with him.
There's no need to say more about his teachers and seniors; the more times he reincarnates, the more skills he acquires, making their departure even less of a concern.
He has been able to get to where he is today, and isn't he mostly relying on himself?
In weighing the pros and cons, he only cares about whether the positions around him need them, rather than whether he wants to retain them.
One after another, more and more people came and went. Strangers replaced old acquaintances, and strangers became new old acquaintances. They were replaced again and left again, over and over again, without stopping, until... only one original member remained.
Li Yangyang.
From the village of Xiaoli in Yan Kingdom, she was his neighbor and childhood sweetheart who had accompanied him as he grew up and strived for excellence in martial arts.
He and Li Yangyang were the only two survivors of the massacre of a village by evil cultivators during their childhood. At that time, he traveled around with Li Yangyang, experiencing a series of ups and downs, reunions and separations, and together they embarked on the great path of martial arts cultivation.
In his mind, Li Yangyang was gentle, considerate, tolerant, selfless, hardworking... she had countless virtues that fascinated him.
She was Li Tiansheng's first wife and also his most beloved wife.
Whenever Li Tiansheng went out to make his way in the world and was unable to return home, Li Yangyang always managed to take good care of the household, and everyone was able to get to know each other amicably through Li Yangyang's mediation.
She was Li Tiansheng's most trusted partner, his most reliable support, and his warmest harbor.
—Someone I never thought would leave me.
With over 120 restarts, the story always takes a turn for the worse, but Li Tiansheng was born in Li Village, and Li Yangyang was always the first woman his age he met. Perhaps Li Tiansheng will change the women he meets in different directions later on, but Li Yangyang will always be there to hold the main position, a safe haven where he can always turn back with peace of mind.
Over time, he came to regard his acquaintance with Li Yangyang as inevitable, as a role that would never be absent from his life.
But the plot can change.
For the 127th time, Li Tiansheng chose to leave his hometown during his childhood, leaving Li Village alone to find help to stop the evil cultivators from killing.
After more than a hundred trials and errors, and more than a year of effort, he finally managed to invite a retired elder from a sect in the Yan Kingdom. With this trump card, he was able to save the entire Li Village before the evil cultivators could make their move.
He changed his destiny from the very beginning—that's what he thought at the time.
Having lost the experience of massacring the village, Li Yangyang harbored no hatred and had no desire to follow Li Tiansheng in cultivating martial arts or become some kind of cultivator.
She declined Li Tiansheng's invitation and did not join him in becoming a disciple of a major martial arts sect.
Li Tiansheng patted his chest and assured Li Yangyang that he would wait for him and return to marry her when he achieved something.
Even if he has had countless lovers in the mortal world, or even no two or three more, his position as his legal wife can only be Li Yangyang.
But why is Li Yangyang waiting for him?
When Li Tiansheng returned home in glory, bringing with him the title of the top martial arts prodigy to marry his beloved, he discovered that Qingmei had already married someone else and gone off to live a carefree life with her family in another place.
Carefree?
This word doesn't seem to fit Li Yangyang.
At that time, Li Tiansheng simply made judgments based on his experience. In his mind, Yangyang was the epitome of gentleness and virtue and would never do anything to leave her hometown in pursuit of physical and mental pleasure.
Is the person the villagers are talking about still Li Yangyang?
no.
That's not Li Yangyang.
When he followed the trail to find his lost lover, he saw a woman as lively as a deer, playing happily with her family.
Li Tiansheng thought he had made a mistake.
But Li Yangyang still remembered him, remembered the neighbor who saved the whole village when she was a child. When he came to her, she invited him to come along briefly in a bright and cheerful manner.
Looking at Li Yangyang, who was so different from before, he felt fear for the first time.
This palpitation mixed with fear seemed completely different from the panic and unease he had experienced in the past when he was in danger.
Li Tiansheng couldn't quite explain what he was feeling.
But he knew he was afraid.
But he couldn't stop Li Yangyang from leaving.
...
"I forcibly demolished their house."
In the darkness of night, the indifferent voice flowed softly, carrying no weight whatsoever.
“I snatched her away and forced her to be with me.”
"...But then what?" Li Tiansheng asked himself.
But then what? Does keeping Li Yangyang by his side really keep his wife, his soul's anchor?
Forced by the cultivator's powerful and tyrannical influence, she returned to Li Tiansheng's side and became the person Li Tiansheng loved most.
Gentle, generous, and in love with Li Tiansheng, she is willing to be his eternal support.
But ultimately, it was out of necessity.
...
He never knew that Li Yangyang could change.
They not only become strangers, but also become more patient and adept at disguising themselves for their own purposes.
It turns out that Li Yangyang always remembered the grudge he caused by breaking up her family. Even though she became Li Tiansheng's devoted wife, she never truly gave him her heart.
One day, when she was serving Li Tiansheng tea to help him rest, Li Tiansheng stopped her from handing her the teacup.
The tea is poisonous.
At first, Li Tiansheng thought someone was deliberately plotting against him, but Li Yangyang didn't want to pretend anymore.
She angrily revealed her resentment towards Li Tiansheng.
But all she got in return was Li Tiansheng's puzzled frown.
Li Tiansheng didn't understand why Li Yangyang wanted to leave him.
In every experience, she was the one who needed herself the most and loved herself the most.
No matter how outrageous his actions were, Li Yangyang would always stand by his side to ensure the correctness of his behavior.
He had thought about the departure of many people, and he had accepted the departure of many people.
But Li Yangyang was the only exception.
This is his most solid back, the only person he can trust wholeheartedly.
If Li Yangyang is gone, who will take care of him? Who will he belong to?
Where is his home to rest in?
Anyone can leave Li Tiansheng.
Li Yangyang is the only one who can't do it!
But he couldn't stop the stubborn person. Seeing that she couldn't poison Li Tiansheng, Li Yangyang directly chose to commit suicide, and it was a suicide in which her soul was destroyed and could not be restored.
As the Ghost Emperor, Li Tiansheng, who also possesses the power of reincarnation, would certainly not be at a loss regarding Li Yangyang's annihilation. He could summon back her soul fragments with a mere wave of his hand, nurture them for over a decade, or at the very least, start a new life with a fresh story, ensuring that Li Yangyang remains whole.
But as he watched Li Yangyang commit suicide, he was at a loss and didn't know what to do.
He didn't intend to kill Li Yangyang; he was even willing to forgive her impulsiveness and continue their married life.
But Li Yangyang abandoned him first.
Everyone abandoned him.
At that moment, his anger surged up, and in an instant, it turned into absurdity.
Fear, panic, helplessness, hatred... In the end, he could only touch Li Yangyang's cold body, bidding farewell to the last person who had accompanied him to this day.
But he was unwilling to give up.
Having started over a hundred times, he had long since lost many of his intended companions. Each unexpected change affected his acquaintance and friendship with different people.
Many people have come into his life and played important roles in Li Tiansheng's destiny, but if he could start over, this position could actually be given to someone else.
He believed that no matter how many people came and went around him, Li Yangyang should always be different.
He believed that no matter how far he went or how difficult things got, when he turned around, there would always be Yangyang standing behind him, dispelling the gloom.
As it turns out, Li Yangyang was just one of many pawns in the game.
But that's not important—Li Tiansheng thought to himself.
Brothers, mentors, companions, lovers... many of these roles have begun to sever their ties with him, and the past that symbolizes Li Tiansheng has long since become distorted and unbelievable.
Li Yangyang was his last reason.
[I am saving the world to repay those who love and support me.]
I cannot turn back to find nothing behind me.
This wasn't Li Tiansheng's first time.
He cannot lose his home.
Even if it means taking her by force, he will keep Li Yangyang by his side!
...
In order to preserve the results of the changes, he still had to leave Li Village before the massacre and look for various opportunities for his own beginnings.
But as soon as he leaves, Li Yangyang will revert to a form he doesn't recognize.
As long as she stays away from him, Li Yangyang will regain her own personality.
—That damn thing, I'll never like Li Tiansheng's personality.
Li Tiansheng repeatedly suppressed his resentment and tried to seize Li Yangyang's future, doing everything he could to get her involved with him.
For the 130th time, he deliberately pressured the man engaged to Li Yangyang, forcing him to give up the engagement and give it to him.
In that lifetime, Li Yangyang's fiancé was his enemy. Li Yangyang colluded with him from the inside, but their conspiracy failed, and they became a pair of fugitive lovers.
On the 154th time, he mastered the art of memory sharing, giving all his memories to Li Yangyang in an attempt to win back his wife who loved him.
But Li Yangyang cried and complained to him, asking why he had to tell these things to a mere mortal like her.
What right does she have to abandon herself and bear the burden of other people's lives?
"I was entitled to choose not to love you!"
—In that lifetime, Li Yangyang's sobs made his ears ache.
The pain spread all the way to my chest and wouldn't stop.
The memories he sent away actually drove Li Yangyang insane.
...
[For the 291st time, he didn't want to go against Li Yangyang anymore.]
This time, he did not leave Li Village, allowing the massacre to occur. He became Li Yangyang's only support and the person she loved most in her eyes.
After thousands of years, he finally got his wife back, and he got the image of his beloved Li Yangyang.
But too much time had passed, so much so that he had long since become familiar with the vibrant and tenacious Li Yangyang.
Looking at his empty wife, who only knew how to obey him, Li Tiansheng fell silent for the first time in a long time.
He gazed at the person he deeply loved before him, but only a brief moment of joy washed over him. Then, this joy was replaced by a different kind of feeling—he felt a sense of estrangement, even fear.
nausea.
He couldn't help but think.
He created a puppet that would only obey him.
He created a tool that cannot think and only agrees.
But he deceived himself, saying that this was Li Tiansheng's lover.
This was the most agonizing period of his life.
He wished he could fast-forward through time and leap to the point when the world was restarted.
He doesn't want a Li Yangyang like that!
...
[The 302nd attempt failed again.]
He was trapped in a vicious cycle from which he could not escape: if he wanted the vibrant Li Yangyang, then Li Yangyang would never fall in love with him.
If he wants Li Yangyang to love him, then he will not experience life.
He can no longer distinguish which one he truly loves.
Or perhaps, he doesn't actually love either of them.
So what is he so fixated on?
[...]
Yes, what exactly is he so fixated on?
Li Tiansheng looked up at the sky, and after realizing the problem, he was at a loss.
"If I don't love her."
"Then... what is the purpose of starting over again?"
He began a debriefing he hadn't done in a long time.
After counting them all, he was horrified to discover that, in the hundreds of reincarnations, the number of times he was fixated on Li Yangyang returning was actually more than the number of times he simply wanted to change the world.
[Why? ]
Why am I so obsessed with her?
Is this really... something I should be doing?
In that lifetime, he questioned himself in this way.
...
[For the 303rd time, he did not go to Li Yangyang.]
He learned to pinch the spirit butterflies and use them to help him perceive the distance.
Then, he sent a fairy butterfly to see her.
He wanted to see what kind of life Li Yangyang would lead without him.
In that lifetime, without the interference of the plot, Li Yangyang was still alive and well, still an ordinary person, married, had children, and lived a life where she had no worries about food and clothing, a harmonious family, and occasionally complained about trivial matters.
In the realm of mortals, this can be considered a perfect life.
He finally allowed Li Yangyang to live a comfortable and fulfilling life.
He finally agreed to let Li Yangyang return to her own world.
He finally admitted that Li Yangyang no longer belonged to him.
Seeing Li Yangyang's lifestyle, which was completely different from her first life, Li Tiansheng realized that this was not his lover.
But this is the image he wanted Li Yangyang to have.
This is also the image that Li Yangyang should have had.
[But……]
But he still lost everything.
Thinking back to the first time he defied the heavens and did everything he could to change the rules of the world, wasn't it all so that his beloved could have more time to spend with him?
In other words, the reason he persists time and time again is because he firmly believes that he enjoys the privileges of the whole world and should do his part to save the world, right?
But what if all that favoritism was fake, and all of it was just a template forcibly given to Li Tiansheng?
Now, what does he have left?
It turns out he had never received true love.
What he tried every means to obtain was merely a puppet without a self.
But he can't just live his life as a mere shell, a puppet.
His gains may be fake, but his pride is not!
He doesn't want love bestowed upon him by stories!
So what happens then?
Anyone can be stubborn, but how will he face a future where he's all alone?
Even Li Yangyang has left.
Everyone he knew had their own lives. Those lives were rich, colorful, and beautiful, but Li Tiansheng would never be a part of them.
There was no one around him.
No matter how many times he turns back, no one will be waiting for him anymore.
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