Chapter 47
【Are you home yet?】
Xia Weining thought for a moment and replied: [I'm home now. You don't have to let Zheng Rui wait for me.]
I'm worried.
I can do it alone.
It took a long time for Sheng Huaizhou to send a new message: [Why do I always feel like you have something on your mind? It's like there's a barrier separating you from others.]
【This is me, maybe you don’t understand me. 】
Sheng Huaizhou felt that typing was too troublesome, so he called directly.
"Will you give me a chance to get to know you?"
Xia Weining smiled when he heard it, "After you get to know me, you might think I'm terrible."
"So unconfident?"
She didn't respond to the question, but instead expressed her inner decision, "I don't need anyone to accompany me anymore." After a pause, she continued, "You too."
"I don't understand." Sheng Huaizhou's tone became a little more impatient. "Why are you so resistant to help?"
"Because I've been used to being alone for so many years, used to shouldering all the responsibilities alone, if I learn to rely on someone, I'll become addicted to that feeling, just like eating candy, once you taste the sweetness you'll become addicted. I'm happy when I have the conditions to enjoy it, but what should I do when I don't? I can't rely on someone forever."
There was a deafening silence on the phone. Sheng Huaizhou didn't expect her to give him such an answer, which made him even more confused about Xia Weining.
What on earth has she been through?
"Is there no trust?"
"Trust?" Xia Weining laughed at himself. "How much is trust worth?"
"this……"
"People often interact with each other for utilitarian purposes. Who can truly trust someone wholeheartedly? Can you?"
"Yes." Sheng Huaizhou answered firmly.
"Sorry, I can't." Xia Weining blinked to reduce the soreness in her eyes. "If the person you rely on leaves, and you're still alone, but because of the enjoyment you've had, you'll lose the courage to survive and no longer have the ability to shoulder the burdens of life on your own, can you guarantee that you'll never leave?"
Without waiting for his response, Xia Weining muttered to herself, "You can't guarantee that, because everyone gets tired and loses their enthusiasm bit by bit. No matter how passionate and exciting the process is, the final destination is the calm after the boiling."
…
There was another terrible silence.
Xia Weining even deliberately slowed down her breathing.
There was still no sound on the other end of the phone. She felt more and more miserable. Just when she was about to give up, Sheng Huaizhou finally spoke.
"I'm back in my room."
"oh."
"Will you tell me what's in your heart? I promise I'll be the best listener."
Xia Weining was a little hesitant. She knew that she shouldn't analyze herself in depth with someone, especially analyze her shortcomings. This was equivalent to automatically handing over a handle that would be used as a knife to attack her in the future, and it would pierce her heart accurately.
But she decided to take a gamble, not on Sheng Huaizhou, not on his attitude towards her, not on his character. She would not place a futile bet on others, she would only bet on herself.
She needs an opportunity to deeply analyze herself and get rid of her past anxious and uneasy self. Besides, these contents will not cause her any actual harm, and she has the ability and courage to choose to leave when she encounters harm.
When she starts saying these words, she will face life with a new attitude.
I felt a lot more relaxed once I was sure of the decision.
"Sheng Huaizhou, I'm very ordinary. I have no special talents, I'm not confident, I'm often anxious and consumed by internal energy, I feel too much guilt towards my family, I'm boring and dull, my life is a mess, I want to change but lack the courage to do so, I'm a giant in words but a dwarf in actions, so few people can look up to me."
After a few seconds of pausing, she continued, "Actually, I hate myself most of the time."
"What do you hate about yourself?"
"I hate myself for being incompetent and unable to provide a good life for my family. I hate myself for being so mediocre and yet having such a pretentious heart."
Sheng Huaizhou smiled, "Do you know what you are best suited to be?"
"What?"
"You are most suitable to be a fairy."
Xia Weining was puzzled, "What do you mean?"
"Because you like to meddle in other people's affairs, want to make everyone's dreams come true, and are selfless. You won't learn to be a little more selfish."
Xia Weining thought what he said was quite interesting.
Sheng Huaizhou also said: "Those who are too sentimental will hurt themselves the most."
Xia Weining's head was buzzing with shock at these words. She knew the truth, but few people said it directly to her.
Sheng Huaizhou seemed determined to wake her up and continued to intensify his attacks. "Why do you carry so much guilt? Because you've imposed so many moral shackles on yourself, and you did it voluntarily. You thought of everyone but yourself. You love everyone but yourself."
Xia Weining was completely speechless and in great shock. She had always been like this, wanting to be perfect in the eyes of outsiders. She could put herself in a difficult position and do her best to help others.
Just like she had never been willing to buy a brand-name lipstick for herself before, but she would give brand-name lipsticks and perfumes to her friends.
She thought this was normal, and her friends later gave her branded lipsticks, so there was nothing wrong with this behavior.
The key is that her psychology and principles are distorted.
"Sheng Huaizhou, please continue. I want to hear more."
"Actually, you are a very brave person."
"Are you talking about me?" Xia Weining couldn't believe it.
"Of course I'm talking about you. Be more confident."
"Why do you say I'm brave?"
Sheng Huaizhou smiled and said, "Only brave people dare to analyze themselves and take responsibility on themselves."
Xia Weining took over the conversation, "From another perspective, it's also cowardice. Because you don't dare to shirk responsibility and blame others, you have to make things difficult for yourself."
"You see, this is the difference in thinking. I see the good side, but you always look for your own faults first."
Yes, she has always had this problem. Ultimately, it is because of her lack of self-confidence, so she always likes to point out her own shortcomings first.
She has intermittent inferiority complex. Whenever she sees a sentence on the Internet, she will feel very healed and instantly full of confidence. All the inferiority and anxiety will be thrown behind her. At that moment, she will appreciate herself very much and laugh very happily. After that time point, she will become unconfident again and will return to her old state of worrying about gains and losses and internal consumption.
The confidence in her bones and the calmness on her face are what she has always wanted but has never been able to truly achieve.
"Sheng Huaizhou, I know all these principles but I can't put them into practice. Maybe I should just accept my mediocrity and just make do with my life."
"You're too pessimistic."
"Maybe." Xia Weining said softly, "If possible, who doesn't like to stay positive and optimistic all the time? I also envy those who are confident and free-spirited, who are at ease, who have a strong sense of relaxation, and who have everything planned out."
"You can be that person, too."
"No, they're elites. That's not something that can be cultivated in a year or two. It's a temperament that's been nurtured from childhood, through countless resources and financial connections. Their composure is only apparent because of the comparison with people like me."
"Who are you?"
"For those who are exhausted just by living, our presence can better highlight the charm of successful people."
Xia Weining stared at his chat interface and laughed, forgetting that he was also a successful person. Without waiting for him to ask, she took the initiative to say, "I'm not against the rich. I say this just to make you understand what kind of person I am. I also want to live a relaxed life and be a young girl who knows nothing about the world, but in reality, I am just such a boring and realistic person, and my eyes are often filled with fatigue."
The environment she grew up in for so many years has made her unqualified to be optimistic. She knows that she is just an ordinary person and can maintain an open-minded and optimistic attitude in the face of anything.
In her opinion, it is excellent that she has been able to remain kind, work hard and not go astray after going through so much.
Sheng Huaizhou was silent for a moment, then said, "Don't limit yourself. You are better than you think. Many people must have praised you, right?"
"Yes, but in my heart I thought it was just a compliment."
"Well, now we're back to square one. You need to be confident. Confidence is a person's best adornment. Look at the many people on the street who don't have the best conditions, but they are very confident. With such good conditions, why shouldn't you be confident?"
Xia Weining was stunned. Yes, she had appearance anxiety in the past, but many people who were not good-looking were also so confident. What was she anxious about?
I let out a breath, feeling much better. "Thank you for talking to me for so long and for comforting me."
Sheng Huaizhou sighed, "But I don't think I've really let you let go."
Xia Weining smiled. "It's not easy to let go of a decades-long illness. Besides, true letting go requires one to do it on their own. Only I can completely save myself."
"Okay, I'm relieved to hear you say that." Sheng Huaizhou laughed loudly and said, "You can always find me if you want to chat in the future. I'm happy to be your listener."
"Thanks."
After hanging up the phone, Xia Weining couldn't describe how she felt. Relieved, didn't seem to be the case; sad, didn't seem to be the case either. She just felt that her head was so full that she couldn't connect to her real feelings.
After a while, Sheng Huaizhou sent her a piece of chicken soup:
The best way to treat anxiety is to stop comparing.
The best way to cure internal friction is to stop daydreaming.
The best way to heal pain is to love yourself.
Remember to love yourself! 】
Xia Weining was instantly struck in the heart when she saw the words above. Her lips kept moving and her eyes were filled with tears. She was trying to control her emotions.
She didn't want to cry, but tears still fell.
She was a little scared, afraid that she would be unwilling to leave this world like this, and even more afraid that she would give her heart in a fit of anger and lose the gamble in the end.
Sheng Huaizhou was washing up. As if he had heard her thoughts, he looked at himself in the mirror and said firmly, "I won't let you leave, and you won't lose the bet."
Xia Weining put down her phone and slept soundly that night.
The next day, Xia Weining woke up before the alarm clock rang, stretched comfortably, and felt refreshed and lighter.
When she walked into the school, she was in high spirits and greeted everyone with a smile, which made other colleagues confused. It was the first time they saw her so happy at work. Did she go out to pick up money?
This good mood lasted until school was over in the afternoon. As soon as she walked out of the office, she saw Xia Li waiting for her at the door crying.
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