Chapter 6
Since the last incident, Xia Weining has never followed Xia Li again. Her work has paid off. She successfully passed the school recruitment and officially became a people's teacher, teaching history.
She has always liked and is good at history, and the teaching workload of a history teacher is not as heavy, so this job meets her requirements in all aspects.
On her first day at work, Xia Weining arrived at school early to report to the director of studies, Sun Jimei. Director Sun took her to greet each group of teachers and introduced them to the school.
Sun Jimei called a young teacher over and said, "Accompany Teacher Xia to familiarize yourself with our school."
The male teacher who was called over was very young, like a college student. He had a good temperament and was gentle and polite, with a faint smile on his face. "Hello, my name is Zhou Renting, the seventh grade math teacher."
Xia Weining nodded and said hello: "My name is Xia Weining, the seventh grade history teacher. Excuse me, Teacher Zhou."
"You are welcome."
The two walked out of the office side by side. Zhou Renting introduced every detail of the school to her in great detail. His voice was particularly magnetic and his speaking style was humorous and witty. Xia Weining would not get bored even if she listened to him for a long time. She secretly praised him in her heart.
At the end, she deliberately teased him, "Teacher Zhou is so eloquent, he's more than qualified to be a Chinese teacher."
He suddenly lowered his head and smiled, "Teacher Xia, you are too kind."
Xia Weining was stunned. She actually detected a hint of shyness in his smile.
The two arrived at the school gate. It was peak time and students were entering the school one after another. There were four teachers on duty at the gate. Zhou Renting told her that each teacher was on duty one day a week.
Xia Li and a few friends were running and playing, but when they saw the teacher at the school gate, they immediately restrained themselves and entered the school in an orderly manner. However, they were shocked when they noticed Xia Weining standing beside them.
Even after she had walked past, she kept looking back. Xia Weining deliberately teased her, made a face, and waved at her triumphantly.
Xia Li knew that he had been discovered, and he didn't dare to look back, so he just ran away.
Xia Weining thought the little girl was quite interesting and couldn't help laughing out loud.
Zhou Renting asked with concern, "What happened to Teacher Xia?"
"Nothing, I just thought of a joke."
Both of them smiled politely and said nothing more.
In order to ease the embarrassment, Xia Weining could only look around and pretend to be busy.
A car came to the school gate. When she saw the people getting out of the car, the smile on her face froze instantly and her eyes gradually became full of vigilance.
Wei Zhan also saw her, his eyes were deep and dangerous.
Xia Weining originally planned to turn her head to avoid him, but then she remembered that she had been seen, and dodging would only expose her weakness, so she simply faced all his gazes.
Wei Zhan came to whitewash the school walls. He walked into the school with a ladder and tools in his hands. When passing by the school gate, he glanced past Xia Weining calmly.
At this moment, she felt surprisingly calm. As long as she protected Xia Li, she had nothing to fear.
On her first day at work, her job was to attend classes taught by different teachers on different subjects, and then write a summary after class.
By the time she handed in the summary, it was already time for evening self-study to end, so she packed up and left school.
"Teacher Xia!"
Xia Li was waiting for her at the door.
Xia Weining immediately looked around, and when she saw nothing unusual, she walked over and asked, "Why are you here?"
"Wait for you!"
Xia Weining was a little surprised, "What do you want to talk to me about?"
"I want to go back with you."
The two walked side by side in tacit understanding and remained silent.
After walking a long way out of the school, Xia Weining said, "You want to ask me how I became a teacher in your school."
"Can you speak it?"
Xia Weining smiled faintly, "This is my job choice, it has nothing to do with you. If you feel uncomfortable, don't treat me as a teacher. You can still tell me if you have anything."
Xia Li pursed her lips and hesitated for a long time before slowly speaking, "Why are you so nice to me?"
"Because you are the first person I met here, and I like you very much."
"Is it that simple?"
Xia Weining gently put his arm around her shoulders and said, "Many things don't need complicated reasons. Don't overthink it. Guessing will only waste your energy. Don't waste your energy on this."
Xia Li didn't say anything, but Xia Weining knew she had heard it.
Time passed by very quickly without her realizing it. Xia Weining stood at the intersection and nodded towards home, "Let's go back quickly."
"Now that we're here, come in and sit down."
Xia Weining did not refuse. This was her family, so there was no need for false politeness. She walked into the yard first, and Xia Li followed behind, muttering to herself.
"What a strange man."
But her voice was drowned out by the sudden barking of a dog.
Xia Li trotted over, hugged the puppy with joy, and held it high in her arms, "Grandma, where did this puppy come from?"
"Your aunt sent it." Grandma came out of the house and saw the two of them. "Teacher Xia is here, come in and sit down."
Xia Weining acted as if she didn't hear anything. She stared at the puppy in Xia Li's arms and tears instantly welled up in her eyes, which scared her grandmother.
"Teacher Xia, what's wrong with you?"
My aunt also found it strange. Why would a dog cry? Although she was puzzled, she still went forward to ask, "Are you okay?"
Seeing the baby sleeping in her arms, Xia Weining cried even harder and squatted on the ground crying loudly.
This scared the people around him so much that no one dared to move, and they were all stunned and full of surprise.
My aunt came back to her senses and muttered softly, "Is there something wrong with my mind?"
Grandma slapped him and said, "Don't talk nonsense."
The crying quickly attracted the surrounding neighbors, who crowded around the door and asked, "What's going on?"
Xia Weining wiped away her tears and apologized with a sob, "I'm sorry."
After saying that, he ran out.
A person was running hard on the street, the wind whistling past her, and a mixture of harsh noises filled her ears. She felt like she was in a void space, where she was the only one, and it didn't feel real at all.
The street in front of her slowly turned into a scene from the past. Old events emerged one after another, dissecting her inside and out again and again, constantly reminding her of how bad she was in the past.
She didn't know why the memory of something that happened so long ago was so vivid, as if it was engraved in her brain.
I ran home panting, opened the door in a panic, curled up on the bed trembling, my eyes empty and numb, my tears wet the sheets little by little.
She was so helpless.
Xia Weining felt like she was sick, a heart disease, which came from the ties in the past that she could not let go of.
Once again, I thought of my cousin in my aunt's arms. I almost lost her when I was a child. I wanted to go to my classmate's house to play, so I asked my cousin to wait for me on the street. There was no village or shop in that place, and she played there for the whole afternoon. She went home when it was almost dark, and she didn't think about looking for her cousin. She took it for granted that such a young child could go home by herself.
When she returned home and was chased and beaten by adults, she realized that it was a fellow villager who passed by and brought her cousin back. She didn't dare to imagine how terrified she must have been to leave a child in a strange place. Fortunately, she was not abducted by human traffickers. This was the greatest luck God gave her. Otherwise, she would have been so sinful that she would never be able to atone for her sins in her life.
Thinking of this, she raised her hand and slapped herself hard.
She really couldn't forgive herself. How could she have done that? She was so careless as to abandon a child on the busy street.
Memory is like a cave. Once you find a breakthrough, the flood of memory will quickly break down the solid cave walls.
Xia Weining pounded the pillow hard. She remembered again that her cousin insisted on sleeping with her, but the adults disagreed. The child cried loudly, so the adults started beating her very hard. The more they beat her, the harder she cried, crying heart-wrenchingly, crawling towards her and calling her sister.
The child stretched out his arms to grab her, pinning all his hopes on her. Although he was only one step away, she was powerless and did not stretch out his hand. She just stood there and watched, asking the adults to stop beating her.
In the end, her cousin was taken away. She thought her sister could help her, but in fact, she didn't. She was so disappointed at that moment, and it must have been a huge blow to her young heart. The more Xia Weining thought about it, the more upset she felt, and she hid in the quilt and cried alone.
The next day, Xia Weining asked her if the beating she received yesterday hurt. The child looked at her, smiled, and said, "Did it hurt? I don't remember."
This answer completely hurt Xia Weining, and she would never forget that look.
It seemed as if in an instant they went from being the closest and most trusted people to just two people with an ordinary relationship.
Xia Weining is a very soft-hearted and sensitive person. She is easily moved and easily gets emotional. She will cry her eyes out when she reads the news.
Another skill she has is her strong ability to make random associations.
She thought of the dog's eyes from her cousin's eyes, which is why she would cry when she saw the dog.
The dog had been raised at home for many years and had always been very obedient and protective of its owner. Once it gave birth to five puppies, and someone wanted to give one away, so it stood tightly in front of the puppy and barked non-stop. Xia Weining drove it away with a stick, and one of the sticks hit it hard on the nose. Its eyes looked angry and pitiful.
Xia Weining was stunned for a moment. At that moment, she felt sad because the dog was crying.
It wanted to protect its child and should have pounced on the predator viciously and bit it hard, but the predator was its owner, so it could only endure and restrain itself; as a mother, it could not remain indifferent, so its tragic cry was actually a plea, but unfortunately it failed to protect its child in the end.
Xia Weining now thinks that he is the embodiment of evil and a murderer.
Later, the dog grew old and sick and was sold. It seemed to realize its fate and barked loudly before leaving. It was unclear whether it was out of reluctance or fear.
At that time, Xia Weining didn't realize what this meant, but later she would think of it from time to time, think of that look, think of the desperate cry, and think of death in the slaughterhouse.
She felt like she was carrying a heavy burden on her heart. Something called guilt was madly harvesting her anxiety and making her fall into heavy regret.
Xia Weining seemed to be caught in a state of extreme tearing. Every time she recalled it, she tore open the bloody wound that had just healed, over and over again, but she enjoyed it. With the recent emotional fluctuations and collapses, the frequency became more and more frequent. She called it reflection, but in fact it was criticism, the most severe criticism.
She has always been like this, showing unlimited tolerance towards others, and subjecting herself to countless morbid scrutiny, both physically and mentally. She doesn't understand where and when this abnormal psychology came from.
Xia Weining felt that to some extent she hated herself, and this was her way of taking revenge on herself. Instead of the pleasure and joy of successful revenge, she released her hatred again and again in pain and pressure, and gathered even greater hatred, over and over again, and then formed an extreme self-contempt mentality.
This negative mentality is like a festering wound that has not been treated for a long time. Instead, it stimulates the wound in various ways, causing the festering surface to continue to expand, eroding her thinking bit by bit, and constantly squeezing her neural space, keeping her brain in a high-pressure and tense state, making it difficult to escape.
She couldn't find a way to save herself. No matter whether it was a heart disease or a long-term illness, no one could help her. She could only rely on herself to find a good medicine to get out of this whirlpool.
She had reasonably suspected that she was sick a long time ago. She was a patient, her illness came from her heart, her body was controlled by an abnormal brain, and she was a visible madman. She subconsciously felt that she was healthy and everything was fine, unlike those who suffered from neurological diseases, so she turned a blind eye to all kinds of abnormalities and allowed them to develop and spread wantonly.
When she regained consciousness, she went to see a doctor, who said she was not sick, but was just thinking too much and had too many knots in her heart, which were deeply rooted in her bones and interconnected. Over time, they formed a knot, a tangled ball of thread.
She asked the doctor if there was any hope. The doctor smiled and said it was very simple, just three steps and he didn't need to prescribe any medicine.
The first step is to let go of the inexplicable sense of responsibility, remember that you are nothing, and do not impose other people's lives on yourself. Everyone has their own path to walk, and you cannot replace or decide it; the second step is to learn to love yourself. Loving yourself is the best medicine to cure everything, especially internal consumption and anxiety; the third step is to reduce the sense of moral responsibility. People need face but not too much, especially when this face affects health. Only by being shameless can you be healthy.
Xia Weining often thought about the meaning of these words. She understood them but seemed unable to do it.
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