Chapter 48
"What's wrong? Why are you crying so hard?" Xia Weining was very worried. "Who bullied you?"
"I just had an argument with a classmate."
The two of them left the school side by side. Xia Weining patiently asked, "What are you arguing about? Can you tell me?"
"He said I was ugly and very shabby."
"Do you think you're ugly?"
"Not ugly." Xia Li sniffed intermittently. "I argued with him, and then he scolded my mother."
Xia Weining knew what the insult was without even thinking. She had been insulted before, so she was very averse to such insulting words.
"Xia Li, as we grow up, we will meet many people, some good and some not so friendly. The key is that we must stick to our original intentions. Only those with a solid foundation can sail towards the distance without fear of the waves."
"What background?"
"Your kindness, hard work, sincerity, etc."
Xia Li tilted her head and asked her, "So should I endure the harm he causes me?"
"No, kindness must have an edge. We shouldn't be bullies, but we shouldn't be good bullies either. In short, you have to have your bottom line. If someone crosses your line again and again, then you can fight back."
"That's what I thought. I told him not to curse my mom, but he still did. That word is so disgusting, I don't even dare to think about it anymore."
"I know." Xia Weining hugged her and comforted her, "You are right."
"I don't understand why he speaks so foully."
"You don't understand because you're not that kind of person." Xia Weining rubbed her head. "Let the teacher handle this matter, okay?"
"good."
Xia Weining bit her lip and lowered her brows in thought. She swallowed the words back several times when they were on the tip of her tongue. She didn't know whether she should tell Xia Li about this. She was so confused that she could only sigh heavily.
"Teacher Xia, what's wrong with you?"
"Xia Li." Xia Weining stared at her straight in the eyes, and after hesitating for a moment, she finally made a decision. "Tomorrow, the weekend, can you come to the teacher's house?"
"Yes, I'll go there after lunch tomorrow."
"Okay, the teacher will be waiting for you at home."
Xia Weining was worried. She didn't know if this was the right thing to do, but she didn't know whether she would stay here forever or leave when her contract expired, so she wanted to do everything she could as soon as possible and didn't want to have any regrets.
In order to welcome Xia Li's arrival, Xia Weining specially bought a lot of fruits and snacks.
Xia Li arrived on time just after lunch. Seeing the table piled high with snacks, her eyes widened and she hugged them with open arms, "Are these for me to eat?"
"yes."
"Teacher Xia, you are so kind. I love you so much."
"You don't love me, you love these snacks, your eyes light up when you see them."
"Hehe." Xia Li scratched his head embarrassedly, "I love them all."
"I know, I was just kidding. Come on and eat."
Some time ago, Xia Weining bought a second-hand TV, which can be used as a makeshift. Xia Li was so happy to watch TV and eat at the same time.
"Is it beautiful?"
"It's so beautiful." Xia Li looked at her eagerly, "I wish it could be like this every week."
"That's a nice thought." Xia Weining said with a smile, "I'm afraid you'll eat me out of money."
Xia Li pouted unconvincedly and gave a look of aggrieved expression.
Xia Weining smiled and ignored her.
After eating and drinking, Xia Li finally remembered the important matter, "Teacher Xia, what do you want to talk to me about?"
Xia Weining pursed her lips and thought for a moment, thinking about how to start. "Let me tell you a story."
"Yes, I like listening to stories the most."
Xia Weining smiled, "There was a little girl whose family was poor and she was looked down upon. She had suffered enough from being looked down upon since she was a child, so she gradually became sensitive and had low self-esteem. She even thought she was unfortunate at one point. Otherwise, it would be hard to explain why she encountered so many problems."
"Can you tell me more about it?" Xia Li was very interested in this.
"Because her family was poor, others looked down on her and often laughed at her. When her mother took her to other people's homes, no one would offer her a seat. It was as if they hadn't seen her. They would just stand by the door. Sometimes, when someone offered her a seat, her mother would say she preferred standing. She would quickly take away any food, fearing they would eat it. The strange looks and words left a deep impression on her and made her mature precociously. Gradually, she became afraid of looking at other people's eyes and no longer liked to go to other people's homes to play."
"Ah, how could this happen?"
Xia Weining pursed her lips and smiled bitterly. "This personality trait made her a bit vain. She desperately needed the approval and recognition of others. She tried to hide her inner insecurity by changing her appearance. She started to pay attention to dressing up, straightening and dyeing her hair, buying beautiful clothes, and even though her family was poor, she still spent money lavishly."
"And then?"
"What happened next?" Xia Weining thought for a moment, her memory opening as all her sealed memories came flooding back. "She started making friends with all sorts of people, forming little groups. She even thought it was cool because she was hanging out and several people in the class liked her. She really enjoyed that feeling."
Xia Li looked serious and tense, not knowing what to say.
Xia Weining didn't expect her to respond and continued, "One time, she went to a classmate's house to play and left her five-year-old sister alone on the road, with a child standing there waiting for her. Eventually, someone from the same village found her and brought her back. She played until very late before returning home, forgetting about her sister, and was chased and beaten by the adults at home."
"Was she afraid?"
"She was scared, but not scared of getting beaten." Xia Weining's emotions were slowly fluctuating. "She was afraid her sister would get lost. When she grew up and thought about it, she even wanted to kill herself. She hated herself for doing that. She left a child trapped in the middle of nowhere on a main road. If anything had happened, she might as well have died."
"It's all right, it's all right."
"But she will feel very sorry for her family and sister, especially since her sister treats her very well when she grows up."
Xia Li was a child after all and didn't know how to respond. To Xia Weining, she just needed to be a listener.
"Because of her childhood experiences, she developed a people-pleasing personality. As the eldest child in the family, she didn't have older brothers or sisters to protect her. In order to get others to play with her, she fawned over them, stealing money to buy things for her so-called friends and helping them with their homework and cleaning. However, those people still looked down on her and excluded her."
Xia Weining's voice was a little choked up, and she let out a breath to slow down. "There was a period of time in elementary school when we had to go to school at 5 o'clock in the morning. There were no street lights, and everyone had a flashlight to light the way. She was young and needed to go to school with others, but others always forgot to call her. Her mother took her door to door to ask others to go to school and call her, but they always forgot to call her. So she would get up early and go to other people's houses to wait. If she got up a little later, she would end up going to school by herself. Before going to bed, she prayed that someone would go to school and call her, and when she woke up, she would hurriedly pack up and go to other people's houses to wait. This was her state during that time. Later, the school cancelled this kind of early self-study, and she was really happy. First, she could sleep in, and second, she no longer had to worry about no one waiting for her. She was very afraid of this feeling, as if she had been abandoned by the whole world. I don't know how many times she cried because of this."
Xia Li's eyes were red, and she gently patted Xia Weining's hand, "Anything else? I want to hear more."
"She gradually developed a very extreme personality, and was particularly sensitive to sarcasm. She loved to say harsh words, and many of them would come out of her mouth uncontrollably, and she couldn't control them. After saying them, she would feel guilty and uneasy, and would feel overwhelmed. She liked to think about them over and over again, torturing herself. As a result, she became a sarcastic and mean person, often embarrassing others and making them very annoying, especially to her own family. She spoke harshly."
Xia Weining covered her face in pain. "She flatters others in every possible way, but speaks harshly to her own family. She really hates me. Once, when my mother didn't get much candy at a wedding, she said she was useless."
"Do you know how annoying the ingratiating mentality is? She'd rather suffer than put on a brave face, treating others wholeheartedly in exchange for a little kindness. When she was grouped, she would always compare herself to see if there were any stronger people in her group, never thinking of winning on her own. This mentality stayed with her until she graduated from university. After she started working, she began to try to shed those bad behaviors and force her character and personality to become independent, but it was difficult. It was also at that time that she suspected she might have a mental problem. She wasn't a healthy person. This was her perception of herself."
Xia Weining wiped her face dry and said with a smile, "We've strayed off topic. After she entered eighth grade, she became even more depraved. She started skipping classes, and her grades plummeted. Despite her family's objections, she cried and made a scene, threatening to drop out of school, and ultimately succeeded in dropping out in ninth grade."
"Ah, she dropped out of school. What did she do then?" Xia Li was shocked. The development of things gradually exceeded her understanding, but she didn't know that the subsequent developments would be even more outrageous.
"After dropping out of school, she had to go to another city to visit her parents. Her family lent her money for the bus fare, but she used it to buy new clothes. We had no choice but to lend her more money for the trip. Then she took all her messy things with her. In the end, she brought three big bags full of rags."
Xia Weining started laughing as she spoke. "Because her parents worked away from home when she was little, she went to study abroad. She only studied in the fifth grade for one semester before returning to her hometown."
"Why?"
Xia Weining's consciousness had begun to become disordered, and he spoke whatever came to his mind.
"Because her parents had menial jobs as cleaners, her classmates looked down on her. While others were picked up after school in luxury cars, her mother would always pick her up on a garbage truck. One rainy day, she sat on the truck with her umbrella held low, trying to hide her face, but her classmates still saw her. The next day at school, everyone said she smelled bad and kept their distance from her. She became very reluctant to have her parents pick her up, and would no longer get in the car at the school gate. She would always stubbornly walk away with her umbrella. One time, she did the same thing again, forgetting her younger sister at school. Seeing her sister eagerly waiting for her, she felt guilty at that moment, but there was really no one to tell her what to do, so she could only bottle it all up inside."
"All her classmates liked to laugh at her, but she was very close to a male classmate who was also a migrant worker and whose parents were also cleaners. At that time, she was confused about whether she was not good enough. Otherwise, why did others dislike her? Was she born to be annoying? One time, she forgot to bring a pen and borrowed a classmate's mechanical pencil. She was trying hard to speak Mandarin, but the classmate said he couldn't hear what she was saying. She pointed at the pencil, and the classmate said he didn't know what she was saying. At that moment, she understood and didn't borrow again. She attended the whole class without a pencil. After class, she found her pencil case pressed under the book. At that moment, the joy and relief in her heart outweighed the self-blame. It was a feeling she will never forget. From then on, she would double-check important things every time she went out."
"There was another incident she'll never forget. One day, a classmate asked her to look at a newly bought pen. She took it in her hand and looked at it, but it was broken. The classmate asked her to pay 16 yuan and even pulled her hair back. She was so scared that she had to pay the money. She went home and lied, saying that the school asked her to buy test papers and her father gave her the money. She gave the money to the classmate at school. She thought that was the end of it, but the classmate kept asking her for money and threatened her if she didn't give him the money."
Xia Weining stared at the water cup in front of her, her eyes hollow and lifeless, like a man possessed by a demon. Painful memories flooded her face. "She clearly remembered what that boy looked like: fat and strong, with a face covered in pimples. It was the look she despised and feared the most. So much so that even after more than a decade, she could still clearly remember his name. He asked for money more and more often, and she lied one after another. Her father never suspected her and always gave her money. Seeing her hard-working parents giving their hard-earned money to a bad guy, she couldn't bear the condemnation of her conscience, nor could she escape his bullying, so she could only choose to escape. At the end of the semester, she asked to go back to her hometown to go to school, and her parents agreed. Her last memory was that she had good grades and that the boy who asked her for money hit another classmate and was punished by the teacher. She felt a sense of pleasure at the time."
Xia Weining's face was filled with bitterness. "She encountered the most direct discrimination and bullying at the most sensitive age, so she began to become vain, just to make people stop looking down on her."
Xia Weining began to have a headache. These things were like a time bomb placed in her mind, which would never disappear. It would explode automatically when the time came, blowing her out of her mind. The debris formed by the explosion was like a mountain of dust, pressing her down tightly, making it impossible for her to breathe and she would never be free.
Every time she thought of it, it was a self-analysis and humiliation. The sharpness of the memory transformed into a knife, a sword, and all sharp objects, leaving countless difficult-to-heal wounds on her body and heart, bleeding and excruciating pain. There was also a mental attack represented by guilt, which accurately hit the sense of responsibility and guilt in her heart, causing these shackles to become heavier and heavier. Every time she thought of it, the whole person became very heavy.
It's like a space, half of which belongs to positive emotions, and the other half belongs to negative and pessimistic emotions. The two relative spaces are clearly defined. As she increases her own pressure again and again, the positive space is greatly reduced and has been squeezed to the point where there is no room for survival. So she gives people the feeling of being very tired and numb. There is no light in her eyes, and she does not have the excitement and vitality of young people. She is like a lifeless old man in her twilight years. This is a reflection of her state of mind. Even she herself feels that she has never been truly relaxed. She is not attentive when playing, and cannot go all out when working hard. It seems that she has become a loser in all aspects.
"After dropping out of school, she went to work in another city, living in a dark and gloomy house. She dressed brightly and beautifully, like a city dweller. She wanted to use her appearance to prevent others from looking down on her at first glance, so she always tried her best to pretend to be a local and get rid of the traces of an outsider. She also bought breakfast like a city dweller, spending a day's living expenses on her family. When her mother finished her work, she would watch her from the side, and that look touched her."
"Has she changed?"
"It has changed." Xia Weining's eyes were filled with tears. "It's a change that touches the soul."
"Overnight, she seemed like a completely different person. She no longer pursued food and clothing, became less vain, and no longer feared embarrassment. As a teenager, she began working for her parents, putting on work clothes and sweeping the streets with a broom. At first, she felt a little awkward, but she got better and better at it. Even the people at the sanitation station recognized her. It was also around this time that her grandmother passed away, which became a regret in her heart."
"Ah, how could this happen?" Xia Li shed tears as if she felt the same way. She couldn't imagine how much courage it took for a girl to go out and sweep the streets.
"She has truly transformed. In her own words, her old self is dead, and now she is a new self. After helping her parents with work for a while, she wants to go back to school."
"She went back to school?" Xia Li widened his eyes in disbelief.
"Yes. At first she wanted to change schools, but then she decided that if she really wanted to study hard, she should get back up wherever she fell. So she returned to the school she had dropped out of. Even as the teacher looked at her with doubt and hesitation, she said she would study hard and begged the teacher to give her another chance."
"At this point, she had already completed her transformation. She was no longer afraid of embarrassment or strange looks. She knew what she wanted and knew how to work hard for it."
Xia Li sincerely admired, "She is amazing then."
"But she also went from one extreme to another. She stopped caring about her appearance and focused on her studies every day, wearing no makeup. She threw herself into her studies, apologized to everyone she had hurt, and completely cut ties with the past. In this way, she was brave and stronger than she thought. However, she was always filled with guilt towards her family. She once thought she lived only for them, but they only wanted her happiness."
"I wonder what this girl did in the end?"
"Finally," Xia Weining's eyes were filled with pride, "she successfully passed the college entrance examination and became the first female college student in the village. From her on, all the girls in the village gradually started to go to college."
Xia Li had already burst into tears. "Teacher Xia, is this you?"
"Yes, that person is me."
When she told Xia Li the secret that she had hidden in her heart for many years, she felt relieved, relieved from the bottom of her heart. She finally didn't have to carry these heavy things anymore. And this effect could only be achieved by telling Xia Li. It was like telling her childhood self that she had not become a decadent adult, and she had achieved self-salvation.
She has always wanted to become stronger and no longer be looked down upon by others since she was young. People say that she is ambitious, but she is determined when speaking but discouraged when doing things. She is enthusiastic for only a short time, a giant in words but a dwarf in actions. It was not until later that she learned to truly persevere and work hard.
Just like at the beginning she was vain and never dared to admit her mistakes. When arguing with others about something, she would argue until her face was red. She was stubborn and refused to admit her mistakes, for fear that others would look down on her. Later, it took her twenty years to realize that she was just an ordinary person and dared to admit her shortcomings. It's just that this road was very difficult and hard for her, and only she knew how much pain she had suffered.
"Xia Li, you know what?" Xia Weining smiled her most infectious smile. "It's very brave to admit you're wrong. Once you admit your mistake, you'll find the world suddenly becomes broader and brighter."
Her teacher used to say that she was too picky, but now she finally understands that other people's comfort can only bring temporary relief, and she has to rely on herself in the end.
The change in her growth is that she dares to admit and accept her imperfections.
Xia Weining finally understood why she was still doing nothing at the age of nearly thirty, because she had been trying to redeem herself, heal herself, and understand herself.
As a person, don't be too hard on yourself.
At this moment, she truly reconciled with life, with time, and with herself.
She achieved self-salvation and felt truly relieved.
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