Chapter 165 Chapter 165 (revised, added 1000+ descriptions)...
He wanted to die, not because he was weak, not because he was entangled, and not because he was stubborn.
Because he has his own way.
Nan Qiong Shuang's tears soaked all over his raven-black silk pajamas.
Tianshan has collapsed, and he is determined to die. What should he do?
"Dear." He suddenly held her hand, caressing it and kissing the top of her head.
"Don't cry, I don't blame you."
Her tears immediately flowed more violently.
He might as well blame her.
"Why don't you blame me? Why do you say forgiveness?" She bit her lips and trembled. "You've said it many times, I don't understand."
He said, "I told you, it's not your fault."
"Back then, Tianshan was targeted by the Wangsheng Sect. Sooner or later, this disaster would happen. If not you, then someone else."
"I'd rather it was you."
He smiled: "At least, you love me."
She choked out each word, as if a dying person was spitting out blood foam:
"But, I took the jade token."
He twirled his fingers through her long hair, his voice soft, like a breeze brushing against soft willow branches:
"That's your duty. You follow orders. There's no other choice. It's not about right or wrong."
"Protecting the jade token is my responsibility, not yours."
"You do your part, and I do mine. If I don't do it well, you can't blame others."
He held up a strand of her hair, lowered his eyes and kissed her:
"Besides, I didn't notice you were followed by someone because of my incompetence. You were in so many troubles, and I didn't notice them right under my nose. It was my carelessness. If I had noticed that fly earlier, it wouldn't have come to this."
"Don't say that..." Her eyes were blurred with tears and she couldn't see anything clearly. "Don't say that. The invisibility technique is difficult to detect... Why are you so hard on yourself?"
Gu Huaijin just smiled lonely.
As the head of a mountain, no matter how demanding it is, it is not too much.
If something is not done well, it is not done well. He does not blame others but only himself.
Nan Qiongshuang looked at his faint smile and immediately realized that he was not listening.
He took too much responsibility and over-reflected, completely excluding her and taking everything on himself.
Even if she made a thousand mistakes, he would not hate her.
She would rather he hated her than hated himself.
Gu Huaijin stroked her shoulder with his thumb, coaxing her like a child:
"Let's not talk about the past."
"You said you don't mention it anymore. Does that mean you've let it go and moved on from it? Or do you only forgive me and not yourself?"
There were tears in her eyes and she was very stubborn.
Gu Huaijin couldn't help but sigh at her sharp point.
He looked away, smiled helplessly, and said nothing.
Nan Qiong Shuang's tears piled up in her eyes, trembling:
"I'm asking you this. Even if you're willing to forgive me, you're not willing to forgive yourself, are you?"
He leaned down and kissed her wet eyelashes:
"Be good, let's not talk about this anymore."
Her whole body was shivering as if she was sick, and the tears accumulated in her eyelashes rolled down. Gu Huaijin kissed away all her tears without asking her why she was crying.
He was filled with guilt and a desire to die. Nothing in the world is more difficult than willingness.
"If I..." She stopped talking mid-sentence.
If we tell him the inside story of the gate to rebirth, will he be willing to move forward?
Perhaps, it won't help.
Those who bore deep hatred had already died on the day of the incident, and lived the rest of their lives in limbo. Once their hatred was avenged, they would still seek death.
The destruction of Tianshan is a foregone conclusion. Since it cannot be repaired, he can only die in the forbidden area of Lange and have no way to survive.
She leaned helplessly on his shoulder and sobbed.
She had broken him. She had broken the man who loved her so much with her own hands.
"Don't cry, dear." He held her and sat her on his lap, his arm around her slender back, his palms on her waist and caressing, "I don't blame you, I don't blame you for anything, so I say forgiveness. I have wanted to forgive you for a long time. It's just that you don't believe it."
It turned out that when he said he forgave her, he was actually taking the blame for her.
She leaned helplessly in his arms and cried, her forehead resting on his collarbone. It was too hard and it hurt her forehead a little.
Once he made up his mind, his determination was as hard as a bone and he would never budge, leaving her helpless.
After a long time, she finally closed her wet eyelashes:
"Huai Jin, don't think I'm too innocent."
Her tears fell one by one on his front, and her voice was desolate and tired:
"Even if you say I have nothing to do with this matter, you are actually just deceiving yourself."
"Now that things have come to this, let's be frank... I'm not innocent. If you didn't love me, you certainly wouldn't think I was innocent. You've absolved me of all responsibility simply because you still love me and you're trying to deceive yourself."
Gu Huaijin closed his eyes exhausted.
She is a crystal glass person, and can see through people's hearts. She is like an ice dagger, bright and sharp. She is not confused herself, and she will not allow others to be confused.
He closed his eyes resignedly, feeling the pain, but he did not let go and kept stroking her waist back and forth.
Her voice trembled:
"In the final analysis, it was me who deceived you, betrayed you, exploited your kindness for evil, and made you the sinner of the entire mountain. No matter what, I cannot escape the disaster of Tianshan. Even if you insist on believing that the fault of those days lies entirely with you, everyone knows that the fault lies more with me."
She gently stroked his face with one hand and buried her eyes in his neck, where his long hair flowed down. It was small but warm. "...So, don't blame yourself. If you really can't hate me, don't just hate yourself."
She brushed her eyelashes against the side of his neck, and her thumb lingered on his chin:
"We were accomplices in what happened back then."
We are accomplices.
She spoke very lightly, even though the words were very serious.
Gu Huaijin was stunned when he heard this. He didn't understand why the person he had always protected and wished to protect, who didn't want her to be tainted with sin, could say these words to him with tears in her eyes.
Why should she help him bear the responsibility?
She clearly had no other choice.
Her eyes were tearful, sad, fragile, yet bright, with pink circles around them.
He suddenly thought of the peach blossoms on the Tianshan Mountains in those years.
He remained silent for a long time and held her hand that was on his shoulder.
She said softly:
"Huaijin, let's bear it together."
He burst into tears.
After a while, he closed his eyes weakly, with tears on his eyes and a buzzing sound in his ears.
She also cried, her voice was heavily nasal, her wet eyelashes brushed against his neck, tickling his heart. She sobbed calmly:
"Back then, on Chaoyao Peak, you told me that I would tell you everything and that we would shoulder everything together."
"I was too smart to listen."
“So, it’s like this now.”
"So, Huaijin." She left his shoulder, straightened up slightly, looked at his sad face, and a tear slowly slid down to the tip of her chin:
"Listen to me, let's not make the same mistake again."
He swallowed and listened to her intently.
She said:
"We...we are in this together."
She closed her long eyelashes, opened her lips slightly, and searched for his lips:
"Whether it's good or bad, right or wrong, we bear it together."
Gu Huaijin had no power to fight back and fell into her kiss.
"Let's bear it together." Let's bear it together. What kind of words are these?
Since he was born, he has been asked to bear all responsibilities and take responsibility for everything. He overshadows everyone and dares not even complain.
Holding an umbrella for others, you get wet in the rain yourself.
Few people even thought of his good qualities. He was so nice to others that everyone just said he was boring.
In all these years, he was the only person who noticed that he was also getting wet in the rain and was willing to hold an umbrella for him.
He won't let go.
He certainly shouldn't kiss his enemy who stole the mountain.
But he was a lifeless man who wanted to die, and he chose to drown himself.
He held the face of the person in his arms, noses touching, and pressed down with his breath. He sucked for a while, then rubbed her nose in a different direction, feeling as if ants were crawling all over her body.
She was a whirlpool all by herself, and he would have no chance of survival if he got close to her.
After a while, her lips were sucked until they were crystal red. He finally let her go, panting. One hand slid into her wide nightgown, cupped her back, and slowly laid her flat on the couch. He stroked her cheek and gently coaxed her:
"...Do you still want it?"
I didn't want it originally.
But, she is like this.
He had just satisfied himself in the secret room, but now he felt it was not enough.
She was so dizzy from the kiss: "...What do you want?"
Gu Huaijin's fingers rubbed her waist.
She snorted twice: "No, I was very tired just now."
"Okay." He didn't force it, and pecked her neck with his hot breath: "Then smell it, kiss it."
Her scent was enough to soothe him.
"Don't kiss my neck." She twisted her body, "People will see us."
He suddenly paused: "You won't let me kiss you?"
She went to hug him: "A little lower."
He chuckled, opened his pajamas that didn't fit her, rubbed his cheek against hers affectionately like a little animal, and then covered her with his clothes carefully.
The kiss was too intense and too soft. She had just experienced such an exhausting orgy. She lay on the couch, her eyes gradually half-closed, and she murmured in a daze:
"And, dear, I have something to tell you."
He is in the clouds and can forgive anything at this moment.
"you say."
"What Wu Dao said...wasn't a lie. I don't want to hide anything from you anymore. The Chunyao, the self-harm, the lies, the exploitation, they're all real. We're used to exploiting men. But for me, using a man is no different than using a knife. Would you fall in love with a knife?"
He paused in the kiss, hovering half an inch above her skin, listening quietly, his body and mind equally undecided.
"I did kiss the Regent."
These words made him want to kill more than when he first heard them.
She rested her wrist over her eyes, forcing herself to be honest. "But I don't love him. That's just a trick people like us use."
"I understand." He held back for a long time before finally speaking, "Now, I also understand your personality. You're not the kind of person who falls in love at first sight. Kissing on the first meeting was just for the sake of convenience."
"But, I want to ask you." His teeth clenched in anger, "We both need to use it, so why did you kiss me before we even met?"
She was stunned by what she heard. From her perspective, the kiss she gave Li Xuanbai was no different from playing with him. Why, he was unhappy because she didn't play with him?
"I..." She was speechless, "I respect you."
After saying that, he laughed.
"You respect me for nothing." He immediately buried his head and sucked on a small nugget. "You lied to me and stabbed me. You did all kinds of bad things, and in the end you say you respect me?"
She hissed, bit her fingers, and laughed at herself again, "What? Don't you think about how you used to be, like Tang Monk. Kissing you right after we met, how could it be good?"
He really wanted to let it go but couldn't: "He's just in a good mood?! How did you have the guts to kiss him?!"
She put her arms around his neck and thought for a while: "If you are good-looking, you will be bold."
"You bad boy." He suddenly reached down and opened the lotus bud, stirring the pale green lotus seed pod with his fingers. He was really angry. "You just know how to irritate me all day long."
She felt like she was on a floating boat, being tortured so hard that she babbled and laughed non-stop.
"No. Why are you so easily angered?" She closed her eyes and hugged him. She was already yawning with sleepiness, but she still let him do whatever he wanted. She nuzzled his ear and whispered softly, "It's because I don't care that I dare to kiss you. If you mess up, just throw it away. I care about you so much. You are my only love. How dare I move anything?"
"My heart is all about you."
If she wanted to please someone, every word she said would hit the nail on the head.
He was a little dizzy from being coaxed, and it took all his strength to remember that she was a witch who was adept at this. She sneered, "All you do all day is coax me."
"I'm not trying to fool you, this is the truth. A heart-wrenching assassin, when on duty, doesn't love you even if you say you love me, and doesn't want to kiss me even if you say you love me. So you..."
He became even more annoyed, and he hooked the pistil deep inside the bud and plucking it hard. She begged for mercy and moaned twice, "So, you are not my target anymore. I still tolerate you like this, which means I really like you. If it were someone else..." She hummed a little mosquito-like sound, "...she would have died long ago."
"Do you really love me?" he asked, pressing his forehead against hers.
"Yeah." She was so sleepy that she rubbed her thumb on his lips for a moment: "Otherwise, you won't live either."
"You only love me?"
"yes."
He answered quickly and frankly.
He had no choice but to kiss her slender neck - gently for fear of leaving a mark.
She turned her head, her black hair curling up into a cloud on the side of her face. She said she was tired, but in the end she couldn't help but enjoy it again. She closed her eyes and said:
"Back then, I did resort to some tactics to get the job done. I did it, and no matter what, I take full responsibility. But I just want you to know one thing—I don't like those tactics myself."
"Whether it's medicine, killing people, or acting. I did it, but I don't like it either." She opened her eyes, feeling lonely and a little sad, and ran her fingers through his hair. "The gate of the afterlife doesn't accept good people, only the dead. I didn't have a choice before."
"However, after I redeem myself, I won't do these things anymore."
"So, regarding those things that happened in the past, you can call me frivolous or cruel. I accept it. But if I had a choice, I wouldn't want to be that person."
"Playing with men and bewitching people may sound nice, but in reality, they're just the methods favored by narcissistic people with nothing better to do. I'm completely fed up with it. Of all people in the world, I hate men the most."
Gu Huaijin laughed when he heard it: "What are you talking about."
She leaned into his arms in a daze, "I'm serious. If you were a woman, you would understand what I mean."
He laughed even harder: "What do you mean, dear?"
She sighed and laughed again, "I didn't say you're not a man, you're just annoying."
"Then what do you mean?" He pecked at the end of her eyebrow. "Do you hate me?"
"You're so ungrateful." She deliberately bumped her nose against his, giving him a knock. "Huai Jin is an exception in everything."
Huai Jin is an exception in everything.
He didn't expect that after he tried to commit suicide, he would even get such words. He was caught off guard and confused.
"I'm serious. Huai Jin is an exception in everything." She yawned again and held his head in her arms. "So, eat well, sleep well, think less and forget more. And then, tonight, stop making trouble and go to sleep."
She said vaguely:
"I'll sleep with you."
*
She had no idea when Gu Huaijin fell asleep.
When I woke up, he was still not awake.
Knowing that he had trouble falling asleep, she didn't dare move even though she wanted to return to the palace early.
Gu Huaijin would hold her in his arms even when he slept, and it had been like this for so many years.
Warm breath blew on the back of her neck in waves, ruffling some of her messy hair.
It had been so long since she had fallen asleep in his arms, and she was reluctant to leave. She also missed him so much that she snuggled into his arms, grabbed his sleeve and sniffed it, and then played with his fingers.
But I am still worried.
She chatted with him for half the night and coaxed him for half the night last night. Although he fell asleep well, she still felt uneasy.
She had seen many people who were depressed and overthinking, unable to extricate themselves. Perhaps after chatting with others and encountering some good things today, their mood would be brighter, but once they returned to their usual environment, their old habits would return.
If a person traps himself, it is not easy to get out.
If you commit suicide once, you may commit suicide ten thousand times.
Who knows, as soon as she leaves, he will remember that he is a sinner, it is all his fault, the person he loves is not a human being, and he will "struggle for a long time between public and private emotions".
She had a real headache and turned over, facing the sleeping person.
Even if she coaxed him and he listened, how long could he listen? Tianshan had collapsed after all.
Because of her.
Her heart ached, and she stretched out her index finger and gently traced his lips.
Gu Huaijin was still sleeping soundly.
He always looked beautiful when he was asleep. His eyelashes rested softly and smoothly, like a pair of delicate feather fans. His nose was high, his eye sockets deep, the curves and rises and fall perfectly in tune, making him look like a meticulously carved statue. When he was asleep, his breathing was so even and endearing, like a small animal.
Anywhere is good.
But he looked so pale and haggard, without any blood.
Too fragile.
She was preoccupied and kissed the corner of his lips.
Gu Huaijin woke up with a start.
When he woke up, he didn't look dazed or slow at all, but was completely startled - even such a light kiss could scare him.
She became increasingly worried.
He slept too lightly, and even when he woke up, he wasn't dull. He seemed startled when he saw her, and it took him a moment to realize what was happening. He stroked her face, and pressed his forehead against hers, his forehead dripping with sweat.
"...Dear, you are here."
"Yeah." She hugged him, "Did you sleep well?"
He had been unable to sleep for days and nights. Now that he was asleep, he didn't know whether he slept well or what he dreamed about.
But when he opened his eyes, she was actually beside him.
It's like a dream.
He didn't answer, but hugged her tightly, curled up and rubbed his head against her neck.
At this time, I slowly thought of last night.
The things that had caused him so much pain changed overnight. After surviving the ordeal, he had no time to celebrate and instead became even more anxious and worried.
Who knows when she will leave again?
"I didn't know you were such a light sleeper." She touched his face, resting her chin on the top of his head, rubbing it slowly. "I won't touch you casually in the future, when you are asleep."
"Later?" It was his turn to be surprised. He buried his head in the crook of her neck and blinked helplessly.
What does it mean? Will she be willing to accompany him in the future?
He didn't dare ask.
"It's almost dawn, I have to go back. The token to leave the palace has been taken away by the Regent, so it won't be easy to return to the palace." She untied his arms bit by bit, lifted the quilt and got off the bed. She originally wanted to find some clothes to change and go back to the palace, but suddenly she remembered that he was still sitting on the couch. She blinked, turned around and hugged him again, "I'm leaving first. You're alone, don't let your imagination run wild."
"Be good." He sat up and said suddenly.
She had already gotten down to the ground again and turned around when she heard the words.
His eyelashes were half-closed, and his face was pale:
"Are we, breaking up?"
She paused.
Every time he did this, she felt sorry for him.
"What do you think?" She sighed. "I don't know if it would be better for you to let go, or if it would be better like this..."
"Continuously." He said firmly.
She was stunned for a moment and said, "Okay." Then she said, "Get me some clothes. I'm leaving."
"Why are you in such a hurry? It's probably not even the hour of Yin." He looked up at her, his arms outstretched. She came over again, and he put his arm around her waist again, shaking her coquettishly. "Stay a little longer."
"I'm afraid it's too late, dear." She pointed out the window. Outside, it was already a hazy blue. The sky was about to dawn, and the birds were kicking the branches, making them sway. "If we don't leave now, I'm afraid it will be difficult to leave."
"Don't be impatient."
He stood up, walked to the wall, and turned a Buddhist scripture on the bookshelf so that the spine faced inward and the pages faced outward.
Suddenly, there was a slow sound of machinery operating in the room.
After a while, the door to the secret passage opened wide. Gu Huaijin took her hand and pointed into the dark corridor, "To the left is the Zichen Palace. To the right is your Handan Palace."
"...My Handan Palace?" She was confused.
"Your Handan Palace." He leaned over and embraced her, rubbing her cheek endlessly. "Perhaps that important minister had an affair with the Empress in the harem, or perhaps the craftsman who designed the secret passage wanted to have more burrows. In short, Zichen Hall, Handan Palace, and Gu Mansion are all connected to each other."
Nan Qiong Shuang was really stunned.
"So, don't be anxious, stay a little longer." He rubbed his chin against her forehead and put his arms around her shoulders. "You don't know how much I missed you. When you said that yesterday, I..."
"Wait a minute," she interrupted, pointing her index finger into the deep darkness. "If you knew this road led to Handan Palace, why didn't you come to me instead of sending a note?"
"I just found out not long ago." He smiled, and tucked her hair behind her ear with his fingers. "When I found out, you no longer wanted me. So I didn't go."
For some reason, Nan Qiong Shuang heard a hint of gentle hatred.
Gu Huaijin acted as if nothing had happened, smiling with his eyes curved: "Why aren't you talking?"
Speechless, she touched his face.
He rubbed her palm and smiled: "So, at most I just went to see you. I didn't really bother Guaiguai."
"Wait a moment." She suddenly shuddered, breathing hard. "What do you mean by 'look at me'?"
Gu Huaijin looked at her with a smile, without saying a word.
She swallowed, a layer of cold sweat running down her back. "My bedroom is like Emperor Jiaqing's, can anyone peek through the wall?"
He was still smiling.
She got goosebumps all over her body. "You're staring at me through a small hole in the wall?"
"Sometimes I stare at you, sometimes I listen, and sometimes I sleep with you through the wall." He suddenly leaned over, sucked her earlobe, and breathed softly: "Sometimes, I want to do it, but you don't want to see me... Then I go to see you."
“To see me…?”
Gu Huaijin smiled politely.
"...What do you mean by seeing me?"
He kissed the top of her head softly: "Watch you do it."
"you……!"
He smiled and gently embraced her back in his arms, not allowing her to resist at all. He leaned over and rubbed her cheek:
“Everyone would want to do it.”
She said that after returning from Fairy Lake, she always heard some faint humming.
Neuropathy!
"Didn't you say you wanted to break it off, Fairy Lake?"
"I regret it. I couldn't bear it when I got back." He put his arm around her shoulders and tangled his index finger around her long hair, savoring it and relishing it. "I can't let go. It's so painful. That night I missed you and wanted to do it again. I could only do it with you like that... You really have a cruel heart."
"Are you..." She didn't know what to say. Did this person still remember what he was like before?
"No, I won't do that again." He hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead gently. "Since you've let it go, why should I do all these things? Honey, don't worry."
She had a real headache and sighed, holding her forehead.
Well, let him be.
She said, "Everything else is up to you, but we are in the palace, so please remember that we cannot have any contact with each other."
She put her index finger between her lips:
"We're not like the Regent and I. If we ever interact, others might notice something. In front of the Emperor, you just keep finding fault with me. Whenever you say something, I cry. Whenever I cry, you keep finding fault. It doesn't matter. It's safer to be tit-for-tat and irreconcilable."
He nodded obediently: "Okay."
"You can act in public, but I'll let you do whatever you want in private. Huaijin," she put her arms around his neck and snuggled into his arms, "just don't let your imagination run wild."
He put his arm around her shoulders, hugging and caressing her: "If you don't want me, of course I'm having wild thoughts."
"Why don't I want you?" She stamped her feet anxiously. "Why don't I want you? Can I come and help you sleep at night?"
He had received so much permission since last night that he was blinded again.
Seeing that he didn't speak, she stroked his eyebrows: "I'm worried that you won't sleep well."
He glanced around twice as if nothing had happened, and when he spoke again, he naturally sounded a little aggrieved:
"Actually, I have a poor appetite too."
"Then I'll come and have dinner with you, okay?" she said. "Eat well and sleep well. Think less and forget more."
"So what do you want tonight?" He insisted on tonight. "How about boiled shrimp and scrambled eggs with cucumber? You don't eat enough meat."
"As you wish." She squeezed his hand gently, "But I'm leaving first. I don't dare leave the palace for too long."
"If you don't come..." He said with a hint of pleasure, enunciating the words, "I will die."
"Don't talk nonsense to me, Gu Huaijin!" She pinched him angrily and pushed him back into the room. "How dare you say such things when you are grown up!"
The door of the secret room slowly closed, and he kept laughing on the other side of the wall.
Nan Qiong Shuang was really at a loss for words. She let out a long sigh and turned around.
I can still laugh, which is good.
Originally, he became like this because of her.
In the past, she would rather watch him suffer than be soft-hearted, firstly to force him to break up, and secondly because she was unwilling to give up twelve years of hard work for love.
However, he actually put his own life on the other side of the scale.
She had no choice.
As for the relative importance of her mission and his life, she had already known the answer five years ago.
Meeting him, I don't know whether it's a blessing or a curse. But since we're already entangled to this point, there's no escape or severance, so there's no point in pretending to be heartless.
No matter how cruel you are, you will only hurt others and yourself.
Forget it.
She turned around and took a deep look at the closed door of the secret room.
Spend more time with him, spend more time with him.
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