Chapter 42
42.
"Cheng Lingjun, please don't go back, okay?"
"...Please don't go back, okay?"
"……OK?"
You're kidding me!
Guan Yue dreamt of this phrase every night, and when she woke up, she couldn't help but wonder if she really said it herself.
She got up later than usual, and after getting up, she sat on the bed for a long time, seemingly lost in thought, but actually just spacing out.
Her head was still a little gloomy. She remembered that she had drunk some wine at the village chief's house yesterday. She rarely drank, and she didn't drink much. She probably wasn't drunk.
But maybe she really was drunk?
Guan Yue searched her mind for evidence that she had been drunk last night. The more she searched, the more her heart pounded. Finally, she lay back down on the bed and covered her head with the blanket.
She's drunk, she's drunk, drunk...
Guan Yue decided to attribute her incoherent ramblings from last night to being unable to hold her liquor, and only then was she able to calm herself down and barely get out of bed.
Did Cheng Lingjun hear that? How did he respond to her again?
Guan Yue tried hard to remember, but she couldn't. How could she not remember what she should remember, but remember what she should forget so clearly?
Never mind, Cheng Lingjun also drank alcohol, maybe he didn't hear her say that?
With this hopeful thought in mind, Guan Yue reluctantly went out the door, and then tidied up this and that in the yard. But strangely enough, Cheng Lingjun didn't seem to have gone out either.
However, it's normal not to go out. Guan Yue thought about it and realized that Li Guang didn't have to go to school during the New Year, and Cheng Lingjun didn't have any relatives in Dahuai Village, so staying at home seemed quite normal.
Guan Yue breathed a sigh of relief and leisurely went to work in her field. After she finished, she intentionally or unintentionally went home a little later than usual. She even took a special look at Cheng Lingjun's courtyard gate, which was still tightly closed. She wondered if he had left.
Now Guan Yue was anxious again. Had he heard what she said last night? If he came out, she could ask him, even if it was just indirectly. But since they couldn't meet, she could only speculate in her mind, which was incredibly agonizing and made her feel restless.
Guan Yue didn't know whether she wanted Cheng Lingjun to hear it or not. If he didn't hear it, the two of them wouldn't be so awkward, but she would feel a little disappointed. If he did hear it, she wouldn't know what expression to use to face him. Most importantly, what would Cheng Lingjun's response be?
Guan Yue squatted beside the chicken coop, drawing circles on the ground with a small twig.
In the end, why did she ask that question? They say people speak the truth when they're drunk. Although Guan Yue felt ashamed, she couldn't deceive herself into thinking it was just nonsense. She knew it was indeed her true feelings.
Is she really that dependent on Cheng Lingjun?
What exactly does Cheng Lingjun mean to her?
Guan Yue opened her palm, and there lay the gift he had given her.
I stared at it for a long time.
When Cheng Lingjun left, it felt like a piece of her heart had been torn out, and she went with him. When Cheng Lingjun returned, her heart returned with him. She didn't know what kind of feeling this was, but she knew that she didn't want Cheng Lingjun to leave.
Guan Yue clenched her fists and pressed them deeply against her forehead. She recalled her last obsession from her past life: regretting not saying what she wanted to say. She was always timid, always retreating, always waiting for the right opportunity. But that opportunity wouldn't wait for her. Once it was missed, it was missed. No matter how much she wanted to go back to that moment, she couldn't reverse time.
The regrets and pains of her past life were still etched into her bones. Even the slightest touch could evoke endless agony. She clenched her hands tightly, as if holding her heart.
Fear, anxiety, and reason were tearing her apart. She knew that as long as she didn't think about it and pretended not to know, she had a hundred, a thousand, ten thousand reasons to excuse herself. As long as she wanted, she could continue to stay in her snail shell and be safe forever.
But……
Guan Yue suddenly leaped up, as if she had a bag of gunpowder in her bosom, and rushed out like a hero offering himself up.
She stopped panting outside Cheng Lingjun's door. Without giving herself a moment to catch her breath, she knocked on the door without thinking.
Guan Yue dared not stop. She was doing something that she would run away from immediately if she only needed to think about it for a second, so she couldn't think about it or stop.
The knocking was urgent and loud; the person inside couldn't possibly miss it.
A moment later, the door opened, and Cheng Lingjun's face appeared behind it.
"you……"
"Did you hear that?" Guan Yue gave herself and him no time at all.
"What...what did you hear?" Cheng Lingjun asked, startled, her expression stiff.
Guan Yue sensed that his reaction was somewhat evasive, but she wasn't sure if he really hadn't heard her or was unwilling to admit it. She took a deep breath, feeling her courage rapidly slipping away. She knew that if she didn't speak up now, she wouldn't be able to say anything at all.
"If you've forgotten what I said last night, I can say it again: Cheng Lingjun, can you not go back?"
Guan Yue spoke too quickly, so quickly that Cheng Lingjun couldn't stop her even if she wanted to. Her words clearly reached both of their ears, like water spilled out, gone with a splash, and could not be taken back.
The moment Guan Yue uttered those words, she felt her mind go blank, her ears ringing. It felt like a long time had passed, yet it also felt like only the words had just left her lips.
Her heart, which had been filled with fear to the extreme, suddenly calmed down. She struggled to stay upright, staring intently at Cheng Lingjun, waiting for the moment of sentencing.
"You..." Cheng Lingjun's voice became hoarse as he began to speak, his eyes almost frantically glancing past Guan Yue's shoulder at the ground behind her.
"...I don't understand what you're saying. Aren't I right here?" Cheng Lingjun heard her own voice, chuckled dryly, and felt lightheaded.
Stop saying these things. Don't say them anymore, no matter what they mean, whether it's what he thinks or something else. He can't take it.
Guan Yue did not hear Cheng Lingjun's thoughts.
Guan Yue continued, "I mean, can I stay in Dahuai Village, stay... here?"
"Stay...here?" Cheng Lingjun's gaze fell vaguely on Guan Yue's face.
What should we do here?
"Why?"
Guan Yue closed her eyes, her fingernails leaving deep marks on her clenched palms. She said, "Because of me, I don't want you to leave, Cheng Lingjun. I can't bear to part with you."
This was the most blunt thing Guan Yue had ever said. After saying it, she shut her mouth tightly. She knew she had no right to say it. She had so much more to say, but saying it had exhausted all her strength. She was now like a defenseless lamb, offering her neck out willingly, and the hand opposite her would decide her life or death.
Guan Yue had never said anything so bold in her entire life. Although boldness is not a remarkable word for a modern person, for someone as reserved and introverted as her, to lay bare her heart to others could be described as insane.
She wasn't the kind of person who had experienced many things, nor was she particularly smart or talented. In fact, she often felt that she was too clumsy and lacked social skills, only knowing how to keep her head down and tinker with her own little world, and because of this, she would neglect the people around her.
She felt that in Cheng Lingjun's heart, she must not be a good enough person, but she hoped that she was not the worst one.
For a long while, neither of them spoke; time seemed to freeze their beating hearts.
"I……"
Cheng Lingjun spoke, and his voice was heartbreaking: "I don't know what you're talking about. Please don't say such things. I... can't bear it."
Guan Yue closed her eyes.
As she expected, but even as expected, even so...
She still felt a sense of despair at that moment.
But let's leave it at that.
Guan Yue smiled with relief, opened her eyes, and said, "Thank you for your answer. No matter what, as long as you're here, we'll always be good neighbors and good friends."
Let this eternity end on the day Cheng Lingjun leaves.
Guan Yue felt bad, but not regretful. If she hadn't spoken up, she probably would have felt even worse. Well, she hadn't expected to be accepted anyway. As long as Cheng Lingjun wouldn't hate her, it was fine. She was just going back to her original position, which was a good result.
However, if she stayed any longer, she would lose her temper. Before she lost face, she should leave.
Guan Yue hastily said goodbye and walked quickly home without looking back. The moment she closed the door, she sat heavily on the ground, buried her face in her arms, and let her surging emotions overwhelm her.
Cheng Lingjun also reached out his hand when Guan Yue turned around, but he didn't make a sound.
He stared blankly at his hands. Now that things had come to this, what was he going to do by reaching out?
No, let it be. Guan Yue's temporary dependence led to a mistaken perception. How could anyone like someone like him? Besides, he had taken sterilization drugs, which Guan Yue knew. She knew everything about him, so... no, so Guan Yue was lying to him, or rather, she said those things because she was afraid he would return to Guping Town. Maybe she had some feelings for him, but that was just an illusion.
He couldn't hurt Guan Yue. Guan Yue deserved someone better by her side. It was impossible for them to be together.
Cheng Lingjun personally nipped that unwanted fantasy in the bud. Let them stay where they are now. They can do everything that neighbors and friends can do, but they cannot cross that line.
He had actually heard what Guan Yue said last night, and he wondered if he had misheard. Then he suspected that Guan Yue had been drinking and was just talking nonsense, but it seemed that wasn't the case, because Guan Yue was smiling and waiting for his response. Her eyes were full of tenderness and a smile that seemed to be both drunk and not drunk.
His heart pounded, but he didn't answer. He remained silent as a response, but Guan Yue seemed to have received an answer and continued walking ahead with her disordered steps and strange melody.
He watched from behind, desperately hoping to keep up with her. Their shadows overlapped one after the other before they separated.
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