Chapter 42 This is what we call love【VIP】
Don't long for others to love you, love yourself first.
——"Zhen Hao Diary"
Stop pretending to be affectionate.
Zhen Hao didn't say the latter part of this sentence.
As she said, she understood Qin Shen. Everything he did and said was just to create a sentimental persona, just to impress himself.
A selfish man will always be selfish at heart and will never give up his own interests for anyone.
He would make use of even the last bit of value.
Just like Qin Shen at this moment.
Zhen Hao looked at Qin Shen, who was stunned by his words, and some obsessions in his heart were suddenly relieved.
The past with Qin Shen flashed by frame by frame like a movie.
She and Qin Shen met during a freshman student union interview; they were both freshmen interviewing.
They had a brief conversation in the large classroom. Later, both of them successfully joined the student union and became officers, so the opportunities for them to meet each other became more frequent.
After a few interactions, they gradually became familiar classmates from ordinary colleagues, and later, under Qin Shen's patient pursuit, Zhen Hao agreed to be his u friend.
It's undeniable that they had happiness and joy in the first two years. Qin Shen, like Zhen Hao, came from an ordinary family. He always understood her thoughts and gave her enough emotional value.
The first turning point in their relationship occurred after Zhen Hao graduated from university. The two families met and discussed and decided to arrange the marriage of their two children.
People in Minshi love gold, and the most important thing for engagement is to buy gold jewelry, which must be quite heavy.
Qin Shen wasn't from Min City, so their marriage customs were quite different. Zhen Dong had always disliked forcing couples apart, so despite her grandmother's strong objections, she still negotiated and, in accordance with local customs, reduced the betrothal gifts and the gold ornaments by half, effectively concluding the marriage with the Qin family.
There are three reasons why Grandma Zhen disagrees with this marriage. First, she doesn't want Zhen Hao to marry far away. Second, the betrothal gift and gold jewelry are not generous. Third, she thinks Sun U can find a better in-law family.
Zhen Hao had just graduated at that time. Her original intention was to wait for them to work for two years and talk about marriage after their thoughts and feelings were stable. However, once this matter involved both families, it was as if she was being pushed forward step by step by an invisible hand, leaving her no time to breathe, let alone say "no".
She and Qin Shen were indeed in the best period of their relationship. She couldn't bear to refuse him for fear of hurting his feelings.
Getting engaged was like being forced to do something. Zhen Hao was in a dilemma and had no choice but to accept it.
The huge differences in customs between the two places laid the first hidden danger in their relationship.
The relationship between the two took a sharp turn for the worse when Zhen Hao gritted his teeth and bought his first small house.
Having been displaced since childhood, she yearned for a house above all else. Furthermore, she had always valued money and had been desperately trying to earn and save money since she first had a concept of it.
When new media first emerged, she also followed the trend and created her own account.
She has no talent and is camera-phobic, but her desire to make money drove her to come up with other ways - not showing her face, only recording the sound and shooting the details.
Maybe she was lucky, or maybe it was the charm of intangible cultural heritage, her account became popular, with more and more fans and more and more income.
However, there are always two sides to every coin. While she received praise, she also heard criticism.
Some people say that she must have a sweet voice but an ugly face, so she has never dared to show up; some people say that she is exploiting intangible cultural heritage and is not worthy of being an inheritor of intangible cultural heritage; some people say that she is a liar who deceives people into giving tips... In short, there are all kinds of rumors.
At first, she was also consumed by internal friction and collapsed. She didn't dare to go online for a long time, whether it was live broadcast or Vlog.
She was already extremely concerned about what others said about her appearance, and now she was accused of being a non-material cultural heritage scammer. She suffered from sleepless nights, her account became silent again and again, and later she simply stopped updating it completely.
Fortunately, she had saved a lot of money over the years. When the housing prices in Min City were still acceptable, the two of them discussed it and she gritted her teeth and paid the down payment to buy a two-bedroom apartment.
At that time, Qin Shen was about to be transferred to work in another place, but fortunately there was still time, so the two of them went together to look at houses and sign contracts, and the whole process went smoothly.
He even enthusiastically assured: "I'm working and making money now, so you can do what you want, I'll take care of everything."
When Zhen Hao was in love at that time, he felt so happy that he almost fainted. He firmly believed that this was the beginning of a happy life and that it would get better and better in the future.
When she moved into the house, she and Qin Shen were already in a long-distance relationship, and the three-hour high-speed rail journey was the physical distance between them.
But within a year, Qin Shen no longer wanted to answer Zhen Hao's calls.
Zhen Hao didn't know where the problem lay. The more he acted like this, the more anxious and insecure she became, and the more frequently she called.
This can be an escape.
During the renovation of the new house, the two of them had become speechless talking on the phone.
From buying a house to decorating it, Zhen Hao was under pressure that Qin Shen could not understand. Whether it was economic pressure or psychological pressure, Qin Shen knew nothing about it.
Zhen Hao's strong self-esteem prevented her from discussing money issues with Qin Shen. Even though he said at the beginning that he would be the one to share the responsibility of living and taking out loans, she silently gritted her teeth and endured it.
This results in the payment of the down payment, rent in the early stage of house delivery, living expenses, and later loading and unloading.
The sudden economic downturn and the loss of income devastated Zhen Hao. She asked her boss for a six-month salary advance, which she got. She also applied for a renovation loan from the bank. She lived frugally for three consecutive years...
The resentment in her heart grew day by day, but no one was willing to talk to her.
What did Qin Shen say at the beginning?
He said, "Okay, now I feel like I can't breathe whenever I receive a call from you."
How cruel he was, hurting her so badly with the most ordinary words.
Since the engagement, the relationship has become precarious due to various factors.
Zhen Hao couldn't figure out when the problem started.
On an ordinary weekend, Qin Shen did not call her in advance as he did before, but returned to Min City alone without saying a word.
There was only one theme that day. Qin Shen said, "I want to get married."
After getting engaged, Zhen Hao repeatedly postponed the wedding, citing her unstable work life as an excuse. But the real reason was probably only known to her. She had once confided in Qin Shen her fears and anxieties about marriage, hoping he would give her more time. He superficially agreed, but as soon as they separated, everything went back to square one.
"You always say you're afraid of the future, afraid of change. Ultimately, you're afraid of me, right? I know I can't afford a big house right now, but honestly, my stress has been growing every day since you bought it." Qin Shen came back this time just to talk things out. He'd been stuck in this vortex for too long, to the point where it was affecting his work and life. "If you believed in me, and you loved me enough, why would you be afraid to marry me?"
Faced with his question, Zhen Hao had no way to answer.
Maybe he was right, she did have some concerns in her heart, but whether these concerns were due to her childhood experiences or because of him as a person, even she herself couldn't tell, so she could only remain silent.
Zhen Hao's silence made Qin Shen feel hopeless: "Okay, how about we just stop here?"
That was their first breakup.
There were no quarrels or tears, just as calm as the gentle instructions before leaving.
Otherwise, let's just stop here.
Qin Shen returned to the city where he worked alone that day, and Zhen Hao went to the bar for the first time that night.
That time, she and Shixu met again.
After not seeing each other for many years, they met again when Zhen Hao was in the most embarrassing moment.
Zhen Hao had changed significantly since her childhood. Her shoulder-length hair had grown longer, permed into bold waves, but she hadn't dyed it. At twenty-four, she had already learned to use makeup to mask the fatigue and hypocrisy of adulthood. Shi Xu shouldn't have recognized her immediately, but he had, in the bustling bar, locked onto her.
Zhen Hao was also stunned for a second before accurately calling out his name: "Shi Xiaoxu?"
The boy from the past has grown into a mature, steady and handsome man, but his facial features have not changed much. His eyes are still clear and his smile is warm.
"Yes, it's me." Shi Xu looked at Zhen Hao, whose eyes were a little blurry from drinking, and frowned slightly, "You..."
He wanted to ask her why she came to a place like a bar, but then he felt that the question was completely unnecessary.
The reason why he appeared here this evening was because Song Jing chose to celebrate his birthday here.
Although he transferred schools in his second year of junior high school, he gradually got in touch with his former classmates, except for one person.
"What do you mean?" Zhen Hao took another gulp of wine, and when he spoke again, his tone was full of grievance, "Why did you leave without saying a word back then? Why didn't you come to me for all these years... Why..."
She was already a little drunk, with two blushes on her cheeks. She was more bold and outgoing than usual, and she put her hand directly on Shixu's shoulder when she spoke.
It was as if there had never been a gap in the nine years between the two of them, from why Shi Xu transferred schools to Zhen Hao's broken heart.
It was strange. Even though four years had passed since that conversation, Zhen Hao still remembered the explanation, which was nine years late: "The transfer happened so suddenly that I didn't have time to say goodbye to everyone. After settling in, I discovered that my phone was missing and my □□ had been stolen. I couldn't contact any of you all at once. Then, during the critical period of the high school entrance examination, I told myself not to disturb your studies..."
Seeing him stop, Zhen Hao couldn't help but ask, "Then what happened next? Why didn't you contact me?"
"Later..." Shi Xu avoided her gaze and spoke in a low voice, "Later, I heard that you were in love, so..."
Having said that, Zhen Hao finally understood everything.
"Qin Shen, let's stop deceiving ourselves." Zhen Hao no longer wanted to talk about the past. The suffering she had endured would not blossom into flowers, but would only condense into increasingly intense hatred. "In fact, we all love ourselves more. I do, and so do you."
"Okay, that's not the case. I do love you." Qin Shen denied it flatly. "I just wanted to get married so badly, and I was so depressed that I accidentally drank too much..."
Having said this, he suddenly stopped and looked at Zhen Hao cautiously, who had a calm expression.
"Just what?" Zhen was like a cruel executioner, the place where the knife fell was her own neck. Some words sounded so painful to her heart, but she just wanted to hear them. She wanted to hear them over and over again, torture her heart until it was numb, so that the pain would no longer occur. "Why don't you say it?"
"Okay, I really just drank too much, so I mistook her for you." Qin Shen tried his best to explain, "Okay, I really only love you, please believe me."
Zhen Hao suppressed her heartache and sneered, "You only love me, so you let me cry and refused to answer my calls; you only love me, so you can hug other people to sleep when you are drunk; you only love me, so when my mother was sick and urgently needed money, you still wanted to get back the betrothal gift... Qin Shen, is this what you call loving me?"
"That betrothal gift money is what my parents have worked so hard to save for half their lives. I can't bear it, I..."
"That's enough." Zhen Hao dug her nails into her palms. The pain and sadness made her eyes red, but she didn't shed a single tear. "Qin Shen, stop pretending. The moment I proposed to break off the engagement, all you thought about was money. You completely ignored our years of love. You don't love me at all. You only love yourself."
If Qin Shen's love can be called love, then she would rather not have it.
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