Chapter 8 Inexplicable Self-Esteem
Today it was cloudy and then sunny, and the happy switch of my mood was lost.
This is the first time I don’t want to write about classmate 683 in my diary.
——Orange Confessions
The girl who was speaking was Ouyang Yamei.
Lou Zhixia also sat down with her.
"Ouyang?" Zhou Chunrui looked at Ouyang Yamei, then at Lou Zhixia, and asked in surprise, "Why didn't you guys go home for dinner today?"
Like Yu Ling, they are all day students and have a good relationship with each other.
Seeing the two of them, Zhen Hao couldn't help but think of something that happened last week.
It happened to be the time when the first monthly exam report cards for the first grade of junior high school were issued, and some people were happy while others were worried.
Zhen Hao was both happy and worried.
What made her happy was that she had good grades and even got the highest score in the Chinese composition in the whole grade; what made her worried was that the head of the grade would circulate it to each class and ask each class to send a representative to recite it on the podium.
There were even classmates from other classes who came to her specifically to say that they cried after reading the examination essays for the first time.
Upon hearing this, Zhen Hao lowered his eyes slightly.
No one knew that when she was writing in the exam room, her nose and eyes felt sore and she had to work very hard not to cry.
The composition she wrote was very simple in both theme and emotion. Perhaps words written with true feelings are always more touching. Because the title of this composition was "My Almighty Grandpa", she became a little famous in her grade.
Many people know that there was a girl named Zhen Hao in the first grade of junior high school who wrote an excellent composition and got full marks.
(11) The class was in an uproar as if it were New Year’s Day. The students all started to make a fuss, saying that a talented girl had emerged in the class.
Zhen Hao was not used to being stared at. Although being praised was a good thing, she felt awkward all over, her face was hot, and she was very uncomfortable.
From childhood to adulthood, all the praise she received came from her teachers at school.
Growing up under a persecution-based upbringing, she felt deeply anxious when faced with praise from the outside world. When praised, her first reaction was not happiness, but rather wondering if she was really that good and if she really deserved these beautiful words.
This feeling of unworthiness made Zhen Hao wish that everyone would quickly forget the incident of the perfect essay and never mention it again.
It wasn't until adulthood that she learned that this cognitive dissonance is known in psychology as "impostor syndrome."
However, life is always contrary to one's wishes. The next day after her composition was circulated, Yu Ling asked her to meet at the back mountain.
She didn't understand why, but still went to the appointment on time.
What she didn't expect was that besides Yu Ling, there were three other girls present.
Two of them were their classmates Ouyang Yamei and Lou Zhixia, and the other one looked familiar to her, but she didn't know him.
Yu Ling spoke first: "Okay, I want to ask you for help with something."
"What's the matter?" Zhen Hao couldn't think of how he could help them.
Except for the girl she was not familiar with, the other three girls were all locals from well-off families. How could she, a girl from the countryside, have the ability to help others?
"Classmate Zhen Hao, this is Ouyang Yaya from Class (1), my cousin." Ouyang Yamei pointed at the girl Zhen Hao didn't know, "Actually, she has something she wants to ask you for."
"Classmate Zhen Hao, I asked my sister to ask you out for me." Ouyang Yaya had a bob haircut and looked very well-behaved. Her voice was gentle and soft, and she easily won Zhen Hao's favor.
Zhen Hao asked a little embarrassedly: "What do you want me to do for you?"
"I read your composition that received full marks. It was so well written that it moved me to tears." Ouyang Yaya praised sincerely.
Her generous praise made Zhen Hao, who suffered from severe praise anxiety, nervous all of a sudden. His whole face and ears turned red, and he couldn't say a word for a long time.
In fact, what Ouyang Yaya asked her to do was very simple: "It's just that I... I like a boy."
She paused here, her face even redder than Zhen Hao's: "I want to write him a letter."
She was too embarrassed to say the word "love letter".
"And then..." Zhen Hao vaguely guessed what she wanted him to do, but he wasn't sure because it was too unbelievable.
"Then, I thought..." Ouyang Yaya glanced at Yu Ling halfway through her words.
"It's okay, just tell me the truth." Yu Ling said softly, "I won't mind."
"Okay, then I'll be frank," Ouyang Yaya said courageously. "Because I'm not very talented in writing, but I want to leave a good impression in front of the boy I like, so I want to ask if you could help me write a few letters. I'll revise them a little and rewrite them to the boy... This is what I want your help with. I wonder if Zhen Hao is willing to do it?"
Zhen Hao breathed a sigh of relief after hearing this.
She originally thought that the other party wanted her to write the love letter directly, but when she heard Ouyang Yaya say that she would rewrite it, the heavy stone in her heart finally fell to the ground.
She was not good at rejecting people, but she was really reluctant to do things like writing love letters for others. However, if it was just to help write a few paragraphs for others to refer to, she had no problem at all.
Seeing that Zhen Hao had remained silent, Yu Ling couldn't help but chime in: "Okay, then help Yaya. She's been in love with that boy for a long time..."
Even if Yu Ling didn't say anything, Zhen Hao had no intention of refusing.
So that's how it was settled.
Starting from last Tuesday, she would give Yu Ling a letter every day, and Yu Ling would hand it to Ouyang Yaya.
Zhen Hao used only the most ordinary homework paper, but her beautiful handwriting looked good no matter where it was written. Every time she wrote a letter, Yu Ling would praise her without hesitation: "Good job, your handwriting is so beautiful!"
These past week can be said to be the seven days in Zhen Hao’s short life in which he received the most praise.
Sometimes, looking at the simple homework papers, she would long for those exquisite stationery, but she had no money to buy anything except the necessities.
She may not even be able to afford the necessities.
For example, her shoes would get soaked when it rained, and the wet feeling was very uncomfortable, but she didn't even have the courage to ask her family for money to buy new shoes.
Zhen Hao's eyes unconsciously fell on Ouyang Yamei's beautiful pair of brand-name sneakers, and a trace of bitterness rose in his heart.
"Yamei's and my parents happened to be out for something at noon, so we came together to try the food in the school cafeteria." It was Lou Zhixia who answered Zhou Chunrui's question.
"Oh oh." Zhou Chunrui's eyes were glued to the stewed pork with bamboo shoots that she had been thinking about. "Then I won't be polite!"
As she spoke, she picked up the food with her chopsticks and said, "Don't look down on me. I haven't used my chopsticks yet."
"Don't mind, don't mind, let's eat together." Ouyang Yamei said and pushed her plate towards the middle of the group.
Lou Zhixia and Ouyang Yamei's plates contained fish, shrimps, and even some delicious-looking pastries. Zhen Hao swallowed imperceptibly as he looked at them.
She really wanted to eat, but she didn't touch a single chopstick and just kept eating the vegetarian dishes on her plate. The only meat dish was scrambled eggs with tomatoes.
In addition to a strange sense of self-esteem that bound her, the more important point was that she didn't like sharing food with others.
Lou Zhixia hesitated several times and finally said nothing.
Zhen Hao, who had been concentrating on eating, did not notice the subtle guilt hidden in her eyes when she looked at him several times.
At this moment, Ouyang Yamei's cell phone in her school uniform pocket vibrated slightly, and she took it out to check.
It was Lou Zhixia who sent a message to the group of four: "Are we going too far?"
Zhen Hao accidentally glanced and saw the penguin icon on Ouyang Yamei's phone.
Although Min County is just a small county, the economic development of coastal areas is always faster than that of inland areas, especially electronic products.
Some children from wealthy families already have smartphones, and it's only a matter of time before smartphones become ubiquitous. Yet, such a common thing seems incredibly difficult for Zhen Hao.
The feeling of loneliness swept over her again. She wanted so much, but her ability was not enough to support her ambition.
She didn't want to be trapped in a backward small county town. She wanted to get out of the mountains, go to the other side of the mountains, go to the other side of the sea, and see a wider world.
On the way back to the dormitory after dinner, Zhou Chunrui kept chattering and was extremely happy because he had eaten the delicious food he wanted.
Yan Yunshu was the same as usual, with little to say.
Zhen Hao looked worried again.
She really wanted to ask Yu Ling in person why the letter she wrote ended up in Shi Hang's hands, but there was still some time before the afternoon class.
As soon as she arrived at the dormitory, she lay down on the bed tiredly.
The bed in the dormitory was very hard, and she had to put down two layers of bedding to feel slightly comfortable.
Her heart was in a mess, and many people's faces kept turning around in her mind, finally stopping on Shi Hang and that handsome face.
Shi Hangyu was tall, with healthy honey-colored skin and facial features resembling those of a popular boy band singer at the time, so girls of all grades were very interested in him.
Zhen Hao is an inconspicuous one among them.
She tossed and turned but couldn't fall asleep. Shi Hang's cold words, "Don't do such boring things again," were like a nuclear bomb explosion. The explosion was followed by endless pain, and she didn't know when it would heal, or even if it could never heal.
Since she couldn't sleep, she simply gave up, turned over, supported herself on the bed with her elbows, and opened the diary that had been hidden under her pillow.
In order to block mosquitoes and have their own small private space, every girl in the dormitory installed bed curtains, and Zhen Hao was no exception.
She installed orange curtains that were bright but invisible to the naked eye. No one knew that she chose them because they were cheap.
Zhen Hao flipped through her diary of the past few days. Every day brought a different worry. She wondered if other girls were like her, with endless homework and endless worries to confide.
She felt upset when she saw the words "classmate 683" appearing on every page.
Because of her cowardice, she didn't even dare to write Shi Hangyu's name, and could only use code names to express her secret thoughts.
Teacher, six strokes.
Hang, eight strokes.
与, three strokes.
These three simple numbers form the most beautiful symbol of her first love in her teenage years.
[Commentary] Imposter Syndrome: This refers to an individual who believes they are unworthy of recognition, feels that success or praise is a fluke, and worries that others will "see through" their "inadequacies." This self-doubt can lead to a rejection of positive feedback.
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