Chapter 118 I, I, I have long struggled with myself, I would rather be myself
Hate is always more enduring, deeper, and more persistent than love.
This emotion reached its peak when Shen Qingyan remembered that he was merely a character created by the Creator.
Shen Chunrong created him, yet abandoned him, giving him this personality and a destination, but without teaching him anything, leaving him to figure things out on his own, and to start over if he made a mistake.
Shen Qingyan thought he hated Shen Chunrong more than he had imagined. He hated her silence and her insatiable nature. Even though he and Shen Cangyu were both created by her, she always favored Shen Cangyu, giving him all the bad things. They tormented each other for countless hours.
"Is this plot really that important? So important that you're willing to ignore everything else and insist on continuing down this path? What good will getting an answer from her do? What can this answer change? Will it erase your memories, silence the voices that curse you, or heal all the wounds you suffered in the past?" the voice in his head said. "If none of this can be changed, then what's the point of this answer? Anyway, no matter what you do, you can't satisfy her, so just ignore her and come with me."
Penglai is wonderful in every way; it's a fairyland where you can forget all the troubles of the world. But Penglai is like the Peach Blossom Spring; once you leave, you'll never find the way back to it again.
Kunlun is different from Penglai. Kunlun is the dwelling place of the gods and a place that people have longed to go to since ancient times. Go to Kunlun, pass through the Heavenly Gate, explore the truth of all things in the world, touch the end of the universe, and seek eternal life in the truth.
In Shen Chunrong's story, countless characters go to Kunlun again and again, one after another, just to discuss what the end of cultivating immortality is, what the Dao is, and how to bring this world to a perfect end.
This story can only end in Kunlun, not in Penglai. Going to Penglai would mean seeking comfort, escapism, and cowardice. Shen Chunrong would never allow this story to end in Penglai, and Shen Qingyan could only remain in Kunlun.
Shen Qingyan had accepted her fate, but then she heard a voice in her head asking, "Why can't you go back to Penglai? Why can't you seek peace? Why do you have to be strong? Why can't you be weak? Why do you have to live according to her instructions? Why do you have to live the way she wants you to be? Why can't you be yourself? Everything you did in the past was your true self, so why is being true to yourself wrong?"
Why? Why...?
Shen Qingyan was stunned.
Shen Qingyan kept talking.
Shen Qingyan suddenly looked up and realized that the rain had stopped sometime earlier.
Are you even listening to me?
“I heard you.”
The wind is so loud.
He watched as the wind blew, swirling up countless leaves and carrying showerdrops as it rushed in. Through the reflections in the water droplets, he saw countless tiny reflections of himself.
"Fine, I'll just consider myself a good Samaritan and see this through to the end, determined to resolve your inner conflict. Tell me, what kind of story does the author want? I'll study it, and then I'll teach you. Just follow my instructions. Anyway, I'm smarter than you..."
In a daze, Shen Qingyan seemed to glimpse memories from thousands of years ago through his voice.
"Is this what bullet comments are? So I can see bullet comments too?"
"After all, we share one body."
"Alright, I'll take care of the comments from now on. You don't need to read them anymore. I'll read their comments and tell you what to do. It's just a typical wish-fulfillment novel trope. I don't believe it's more profound than Taoist magic."
This is……
Shen Qingyan pressed his head, but memories flooded back like a torrent. Caught off guard, he staggered and fell to the ground. A voice in his ear cried out urgently, "Hey, what are you doing? Are you going to die? Don't take my body with you to die! No, what will I do if you die?"
His voice blended into past memories, overlapping with fragments of images.
"Are you going to die again? So this path is still a dead end after all?"
"I'm sorry, I still can't make it to the end this time."
"Fine, consider this a lesson learned from failure. What wishes do you still have? Tell me before the world disappears, and I'll grant them... except for taking you to meet your mother."
"I don't think I have any other wishes. Tell me, what kind of place is Penglai? Is it really as wonderful as the rumors say?"
"Penglai is a nice place, but I can't remember it clearly. I haven't been back for too long... Come to think of it, it's all your fault. If it weren't for you, I would have gone back long ago."
"Next time, if I remember next time, let's go back to Penglai..."
The world around them began to collapse, and everything returned to silent darkness. Only a sigh could be heard: "You're lying. You never remember. The only one who remembers is me."
As the light gradually coalesced, Shen Qingyan opened her eyes and once again saw the familiar world, the familiar scene, and heard the familiar voice: "Where is this?"
He impatiently uttered the line he'd said eight hundred times: "Congratulations on time travel."
"Who are you?"
"I am your system. From now on, you must do as I say, complete the plot, build good relationships with others, and collect honor points. This way, we can gain energy, and I can unlock more skills... Don't look at me with that questioning gaze. I am a top-tier system. I've guided more transmigrators than you've eaten meals. I know how to navigate all the obstacles smoothly for you." He has already grasped the workings of this world. He knows the development of all future plot points. They have carved out a smooth path through countless past failures.
All the information they have now is built upon a foundation of blood, flesh, and bones. As long as they follow this path, they will surely reach the end. With him here, Shen Qingyan will definitely be safe and sound this time.
"System, why are you so fierce?"
"Am I being fierce? I think you haven't experienced the harsh realities of life."
"Do you treat other hosts this way too?"
"You brat, you're the only one in the whole world who gives me so much trouble."
“If you don’t like me… you can find another host, you don’t necessarily have to find me… I know I’m stupid, I don’t understand a lot of what you’re saying, and I can’t meet your expectations.”
"Do you think I don't want to? I must have had the worst luck in eight hundred lifetimes to end up with a guy like you... No, why are you crying again? I'm not blaming you... It's my fault, I couldn't control my mouth, I admit I was anxious, I was afraid that if we made a wrong move, we would face eternal damnation, so I always made you listen to me, I'm sorry."
"No, no, it's my fault..."
"Is this some kind of apology ceremony? Never mind, it's not a big problem, everything can still be salvaged. Give me some time, I can find a way to solve it."
Am I always holding you back?
"It's alright, I'm used to it. Everyone needs time to grow. You've improved a lot compared to before. We're doing very well now. You have no idea what kind of hardship I endured when I was training this host. Let me tell you about his crimes..."
"Thank you, I'm so lucky to have met you."
"You really should thank me." Besides me, there is no one else in this world who has been kind to you. Only I hope you can have a good ending, and only I want to protect you and ensure a smooth journey.
...
"Hey! Where is he? If you're not dead, wake up already... You're not really dead, are you? I admit I said a lot of harsh things to you before, but I really didn't want you to die here, Shen Qingyan, did you hear me? Shen Qingyan..."
Integration progress: 60%
Shen Qingyan suddenly opened his eyes and saw the familiar bed curtains. He realized that he was lying in his own bed.
He raised his hand to touch his burning forehead and asked, "Shen Qingyan, are you still there?"
"Nonsense, you're the one in trouble, not me. I really thought you were going to die there." The voice in his mind rang out, and a weight was lifted from his heart.
In his dream, he saw many past memories and many truths he had never thought of.
The person who helped him in countless past reincarnations was the system, the original owner of the body, or rather, his counterpart in another world—a version of himself who grew up carefree in Penglai. This other Shen Qingyan knew his obsession and the truth of this world. He helped him complete the plot time and time again, all to fulfill his wish and allow him to reach his final destination. This was a promise they made together in the past, something they had never been able to fulfill.
Shen Qingyan collects the secrets to "clearing the level" in each reincarnation, hoping to avoid suffering in each new cycle. If the ending is destined for destruction, he hopes to at least be happy, without regrets or pain in the final outcome. If he can maintain his initial goodwill towards the world, that would be best. May he stay true to his original intentions; let another version of himself do the wicked and immoral things.
I have long struggled with myself, and I would rather remain true to myself.
In the end, the only person who could save him was himself. He was the one who painstakingly studied, learned more tricks, and planned his future. He was also the one who most wanted to see him succeed. He could never meet the author's expectations, but he was the one who supported his will, studied hard, and followed the direction the author wanted. He built a new path with each failure.
Even though the other Shen Qingyan has now been formatted, he still remembers that he wanted to send someone to the top.
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