I gave up all possibilities of loving her.
"I gave up all possibilities of loving her."
66.
That night, Lan Jian and Chong Ming were extremely affectionate in bed.
After Lan Jian had passed out once, Chongming began to slowly thrust again. He skillfully squeezed into the center of the still rippling waves and teased her, casually asking, "Why do you shout 'I'm coming' every time you climax? Where are you going?"
Good question.
Lan Jian was stumped by the question and was momentarily speechless. "It's just a verbal tic."
"But this seems to be a common phenomenon. Whether it's in the translations of adult films or some explicit literary works, the use of 'gone' is quite common." Chongming suddenly reached out and pinched her clitoris. "Have you ever thought about why you would shout that?"
"...I never thought of that." Lan Jian's back arched sensitively as he gripped her harder, her waist heaved, and her legs bent, trembling slightly as she squeezed him. "Mmm, no, yes—"
Her unconscious pause made Chongming chuckle.
He stopped laughing for a while before continuing to tease her, "Where are we going now?"
Lan Jian was annoyed by his nonchalant yet slightly roguish demeanor; he wasn't like this before... She closed her lips, her pearly teeth pressed together, refusing to let out a single soft moan.
"Are you being stubborn with me again?" Chongming pinched her chin, his lower body hardening as he thrust particularly forcefully. "Stick out your tongue and give me a kiss."
Lan Jian stuck out a small piece of her tongue at him, teasing him as she immediately withdrew it. Chongming didn't stand on ceremony with her, boldly covering her upper and lower lips, nibbling back and forth a few times before she loosened her teeth, letting him in with their saliva.
After kissing for a long time, both of them were hot and sticky. Lan Jian became more and more aroused and rubbed her tender breasts against Chongming's firm chest muscles. She hung her legs on his back, rubbing her toes along his spine, and her tongue curled more and more outrageously. She was almost driven crazy by his teasing.
"No, I can't take it anymore... Chongming, Chongming..." Lan Jian pulled her tongue out of his mouth, not caring that the saliva dripping onto her lips. She hugged his neck tightly and snuggled against his face, "I'm going to come again, mmm!"
"Why did you go again?" Chongming persisted in asking. "Did you enjoy it or were you about to climax?"
He asked her questions while grinding against her clitoris, he was wicked beyond belief.
"It feels so good, I could die!"
—In the end, Meng Lanjian gave up and said.
After a satisfying sexual encounter, the couple embraced tenderly.
"You seem unusually sensitive today." Chongming's fingertips caressed Lanjian's smooth, rounded shoulder. "Is there a particular reason?"
“Because,” Lan Jian said, lying on his chest, which was clean and smelled of sea salt after his shower, as if she were lying on a beach, “you suddenly called me ‘wife’ this afternoon!”
Chongming was startled by her coquettish "Eh," and reached down to pinch her plump breasts. "Why are you acting so strangely today?"
"What's wrong with me?" Lan Jian brushed his hand away, looked down, and sure enough, her skin was flushed red from the finger marks.
“It’s just that…” Chongming’s voice lowered a bit, “that he’s become more affectionate.”
"Hiss!" Meng Lanjian felt a chill run down her spine and got goosebumps just from hearing the word "coquettish". "You only like it when I'm always fierce?"
"No. It's just that I can't quite tell if you're faking it or if it's genuine." Before Lan Jian could retort, Chong Ming started using himself as an example, "For example, this afternoon when I heard my dad call my mom 'My dear wife,' I wanted to call you that too, but at that moment I felt that saying it would sound like I was challenging my dad, rather than genuinely wanting to change how I address you."
No wonder he called her "wife" in a teasing tone for the first time, without the slightest hesitation or ambiguity. When he said it, Lan Jian was a little confused, thinking that he was inspired by his father calling her "mother" and that's why he suddenly started calling her that too. But the feeling was very different. She couldn't quite put her finger on it at the time, but now that he's explained, she has a better understanding of his complicated feelings.
"Chongming, do you know why I sometimes suddenly get angry with you?"
Chongming was taken aback. So Miss Meng also knew about his inexplicable anger, which always seemed so strange to him... He frowned and thought seriously for a moment, combining the two sentences before and after, and concluded: "Because I'm always too passive?"
"That's not the most important thing; your personality and..."
"My personality is naturally eccentric; I'm direct, passionate, bold, and decisive, while you're low-key, reserved, calm, and collected. I know you sometimes worry that I act rashly without considering the consequences, potentially hurting myself and others. That's why you've always guided me to 'think before I act,' and there are many things you don't want me to know." Lan Jian paused for a moment. "So our relationship always seems fragile and superficial. In public, we're like close senior and junior brothers and sisters, but at home, behind closed doors, we rarely have heart-to-heart talks about the future."
“I don’t know what you’re planning, but I care about you a lot, and I also care about whether there’s a ‘future’ between us. That time we argued, you said that for a moment you felt like you hated me, and later I said that I have always hated you. It must have hurt you to hear that?”
"But I didn't say that in a fit of anger. I have a knot in my heart that I haven't been able to untie. It's not that I can't tell you the truth, but I'm proud by nature and I don't like being given charity or being subservient. If I reveal all my shady selfish desires, would I still be the carefree junior sister Meng Lanjian in the nuclear research institute?"
The carefree junior sister.
Her key sentence is none other than this.
Meng Lanjian always emphasized that she was already his wife and that he should see her as a husband. But the knot deep in her heart still trapped her in the hill where she was just his junior sister, hindering her from climbing over the mountains and reaching the summit with him in a dignified manner.
This knot in their hearts was originally a source of discord between the couple, but now, with the added fuel to the fire, another knot was tied in the knot, creating a complex and tangled situation that left Meng Lanjian feeling frustrated and dejected. She had charged forward time and again, facing difficulties head-on, only to be met with Chongming's words, "Just please yourself." His words were sincere, but it was precisely because they were sincere that Meng Lanjian was so deeply wounded.
She was too tired.
So when Xue Xiang questioned her at the year-end banquet about whether she had feelings for Chongming that went beyond those of a fellow disciple, she lied.
She spoke in a high-sounding manner, "Professor, it is true that I have a close relationship with Senior Chongming in the lab. That's because he has always taken good care of me since I entered Nanjing University, and as his junior, I also rely on him academically. I reflect on the fact that I still don't have the ability to conduct independent research by the time I'm in my second year of doctoral studies, and that is my fault. But in terms of my personal life, Senior Chongming and Senior Zheng only broke up not long ago, and my feelings for him remain the same."
What an ambiguous "as always"!
How could Xue Xiang possibly know? Meng Lanjian had been eyeing someone else's boyfriend from the very beginning, and had never genuinely regarded Chongming as her senior brother.
Xue Xiang heard the answer he wanted, then gave Lan Jian a few more pointers on academics, and finally said, "Now that Xiao Ma is gone, there's more space in the lab. I'm planning to take on another student to continue his research. Do you think we could rearrange the seating?"
Meng Lanjian immediately suggested that there was still space next to Sister Hui's seat, and she could move there.
Xue Xiang left satisfied, leaving Meng Lanjian's heart once again filled with turmoil.
Even their lab's elusive boss noticed the unusual relationship between her and Chongming. If things continued like this, Meng Lanjian wouldn't be far from being rumored to have seamlessly transitioned into a relationship with her senior.
She didn't want to become the imagined enemy that everyone on the twelfth floor wanted to beat.
Even if Chongming and Zheng were incredibly low-key, they were seen as a perfect couple in the academic world. As a newcomer, it was inevitable that she would face criticism. Guan Shaoxiao and Zhuang Huiting, two students directly from the Nuclear Engineering Institute, had gone all the way to the Nuclear Research Institute, and they knew the interpersonal relationships on the twelfth floor best. Given their efforts to conceal Lan Jian and Chongming's relationship, it wasn't hard to predict the storm that would rage if it were brought into the open.
Although these things have not yet happened, Meng Lanjian's internal warning system has already begun to ring constantly, forcing her to prepare for the worst.
Who is the person who caused her these anxieties?
It was Chongming, who shared a bed with her every day.
Chongming was a man who ignored everything outside his window and devoted himself solely to studying the classics.
Meng Lanjian also wished she could have his ability to block out outside opinions, but this required talent. She was someone who cared a lot about other people's opinions, and was passionate and sensitive; her nature was hard to change.
If Chongming could see through her overthinking at times like this, he would give her a firm answer.
When she asked him if he and Senior Zheng had really been together, his silence was unclear whether it was an admission of guilt or an unspeakable hardship.
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But should I ask again?
No, that's not allowed.
She only asked the question when he was drunk, taking advantage of his vulnerability. The reason there was no answer was simply because—he knew better than anyone that the answer wouldn't be what she wanted to hear.
This constant back-and-forth of setbacks and self-torture will only deepen Meng Lanjian's wounds and her resentment towards him.
So, did he see through her and still ignore her, or did he never even realize that his attitude would hurt her?
Meng Lanjian propped herself up from Chongming and sat cross-legged. Chongming was moved by her seriousness and also got up to face her, sitting upright with his back straight.
“Chongming, there’s something I wanted you to tell me yourself, but I’ve waited a long time and haven’t heard your honest confession. I know dwelling on the past isn’t a good habit, especially since I witnessed your past and even participated in it myself…” Meng Lanjian sighed softly, “Even if I’m determined to die, please tell me the truth—”
“I know what you’re going to ask,” Chongming interrupted Lanjian. “You…”
Chongming stared intently at Lanjian, then sighed softly, "I really don't know what to do with you."
Lan Jian bit her lip, touched by Chongming's deep gaze, and inexplicably felt like crying.
Chongming was most afraid of her crying, so he quickly grabbed her hand and transferred his warmth through his warm, thick palm to hers.
"You're just taking advantage of my reluctance to make you sad, and you keep pressuring me, aren't you?" Chongming squeezed her soft little hand hard. He had heard his grandmother say that a soft hand means a soft heart, but this Meng Lanjian was always soft-hearted and kind when it came to other people's affairs, but when it came to the two of them, she built high walls in her heart and refused to turn a blind eye to make herself feel better.
But he couldn't do anything about her.
He didn't want her to get involved in the war between the North and the South at all.
But even if she remains completely unaware and kept in the dark, she will find out someday. Then, she will only resent him for not telling her sooner.
Rather than continuing to pretend to be ignorant and watch her torment herself while she resents him, it's better to just tell her—
"Lanjian, answer one question for me first."
"you say."
Have you ever thought about going into politics?
Politics? Lan Jian paused for a moment, then met Chongming's gaze frankly, "Of course."
Chongming's gaze darkened.
"Who hasn't dreamed of being a great hero who unifies the North and South!" Lan Jian noticed the low mood in Chongming and immediately cracked a joke. "I'm just kidding! I only say I want to compete with Guan Shaoxiao to be the 12th floor manager when we're joking around! Politics? With my outspoken personality, I'd probably die without even knowing how I died if I became a politician!"
“Don’t talk nonsense,” Chongming frowned seriously. “Tell me honestly, have your uncle and your father ever mentioned that they want to groom you as their successor?”
"Successor?" Lan Jian seemed to have heard a joke. "The two of them, one is a tough military man and the other is in charge of finance. Whom can I succeed?"
She didn't seem to be lying, which immediately lessened Chongming's concerns.
"Have you thought about what you'll do after you get your PhD and return to China?"
"This is the second question!" Lan Jian pouted and pulled her hand back from his grasp. "Are you going to tell me what I want to know first?!"
This spoiled brat's temper can flare up at any moment.
Chongming got used to being coaxed and lost the desire to compete with her.
"Remember what I'm telling you today: you must not mention this to anyone other than me."
Lan Jian obediently raised her hand, "Okay, I swear."
Chongming took her hand again, lowered his head to gather his thoughts, and decided to tell her what she cared about most first: "Haven't you always wanted to know if Zheng Xuerou and I are really a couple?"
"We were indeed putting on an act together so that we could each get what we wanted."
One sentence, like a thunderbolt from a clear sky, made Lan Jian's expression reveal a mixture of understanding and indignation.
“I knew you’d react this way, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you.” Chongming poked her puffed-up cheek with his fingertip. Her skin was delicate and smooth, but he had no interest in lingering there. “Lanjian, if you hadn’t come to the Nuclear Research Institute and become my junior sister, Zheng Xuerou and I…”
Perhaps they will naturally get married in the meantime.
Upon hearing his last sentence, Lan Jian nearly jumped up in panic. "What do you mean by 'marrying naturally'? So it really was me who broke up this fake couple who were just getting what they wanted? She was your original arranged marriage partner?"
"Yes, because she is the granddaughter of Huang Qu, the former leader of Nanlu."
"Huang Qu?" He was the radical armed leader who broke away from the Southern Army's personal guard fifty years ago, the one who first declared the independence of the Southern Frontier, splitting the North and South Federation in two. But he was also the first leader of the garrison battalion led by Lan Jian's maternal grandfather, Yan Zhenjun. Meng Lan Jian suddenly realized, "Professor Huang Yi is Huang Qu's daughter?"
“Yes, she is Huang Qu’s only daughter. She married Zheng Shanshui, the eldest son of the Zheng family, who is currently the most powerful force in the garrison.” Chongming didn’t want to tell Lan Jian about the intrigues and power struggles in the Southern Foothills’ political circles, but since she was married to him, she was also involved in the situation. If he kept it from her, given her perceptive personality, it might not be a good thing. “Currently, the situation in the Southern Foothills is mainly divided into three factions. Among the old faction of the Southern Democratic Party, the Shen family in the west is the most powerful. The political force that rivals them is the garrison, which is now led by the Zheng family. Both factions are weakened in terms of military strength, so they all want the support of the armed forces. And our Lu family is the representative of the Southern Army.”
“I won’t go into detail about the various forces behind the three families,” Chongming said, rubbing his forehead. “After all, what you’re most concerned about is the Zheng family, who took over the garrison from your maternal grandfather.”
Lan Jian nodded. "I have never met my maternal grandfather. I have only heard stories about him from my maternal grandmother. Most of them are just fragments. I only know about what happened to him after he went to Nanlu by reading old news."
"After your maternal grandfather established the Nuclear Research Institute at Nanlu University, he gradually withdrew from the center of power. Your uncle, Yan Jisheng, was focused on scientific research and did not want to enter politics, so he delegated power to his capable subordinates. However, the Zheng family's greed continued, and they cultivated various forces to join forces with Huang Qu to deal with the old faction in the south. How could those powerful families that had been entrenched in the south for many years allow an outsider to lead Nanlu? After Huang Qu stepped down, Nanlu has been the domain of the Southern Party for many years. Our Lu family has always been prudent in assessing the situation and has always maintained a neutral stance, unwilling to contend with those two factions."
"The garrison troops never gave up, and the children of high-ranking officials mostly intermarried to consolidate their power. For those in power, political marriages were the easiest bargaining chip for alliances."
"Then what are you and Senior Zheng putting on this act for? To help the Zheng family fight against the Southern Party?"
“No,” Chongming shook his head, “On the contrary, Zheng Xuerou never knew that I was a descendant of the Lu family.”
"What did you say?!"
"She only knew that most of the students at the nuclear research institute were descendants of my grandfather's trusted men from the valiant battalion, and only a very small number were children from ordinary families who had risen directly from the undergraduate level. She didn't want to marry a child from the garrison, so she took a gamble and asked me to help her pretend to be her boyfriend so that her mother, Professor Huang, would give up."
Upon hearing this, Lan Jian suddenly realized something that had been puzzling her for a long time—
"No wonder! No wonder!" Lan Jian excitedly slapped the bed sheet. "Zhong Suo, Xue Xiang, Chief Engineer Wen, Wen Chu and Senior Sister Wen Fang, Guan Shaoxiao and Zhuang Huiting, and you... your families are either from families that have served in the military for generations or are from the elite battalion!"
“You’ve forgotten those old professors, most of them are also descendants of the Southern Army.” Chongming suddenly remembered someone, “And that old rascal who teaches undergraduates, he’s Dou Yaozu’s uncle.”
"But the Nuclear Research Institute...wasn't it established by my maternal grandfather?" Lan Jian began to feel confused. "I've heard people say that the garrison battalion from the north and the elite battalion of the Southern Army were sworn enemies, weren't they?"
"That was the garrison battalion that the Zheng family later took over. Your maternal grandfather was most afraid that the garrison battalion would become Huang Qu's pawn, so he joined forces with my grandfather to protect the core of the nuclear research institute and prevent it from becoming a weapon for those with ulterior motives. Even your uncle came from the Valiant Battalion, not the garrison battalion. Didn't your uncle tell you about this?"
Chongming was suspicious. Meng Lanjian's uncle, Yan Jisheng, had defected to Beiluan for twenty years and had just passed away not long ago. He had never married or had children. Did he not reveal anything about what happened back then to Meng Lanjian, the only descendant of the Yan family, before he died?
“I haven’t had much contact with my uncle.” Lan Jian immediately distanced herself from Yan Jisheng. “After he became seriously ill, my mother asked me to visit him in the hospital. He was sickly and rarely spoke to me. Later, I heard that he was in unbearable pain and committed suicide. When I went back to attend the funeral, you were still in the United States.”
Meng Lanjian seemed reluctant to elaborate, so Chongming continued, "In short, Zheng Xuerou and I had a gentleman's agreement. She asked me to help her escape the fate of being forced into a marriage with the garrison, and I also used her to... test my father."
"for
What is it?
"For my own sake." Chongming finally decided to tell Lanjian about the struggle he had with his father before the wedding. "I've known since I was little that my marriage was not up to me. I asked my father what kind of woman he wanted me to marry, but he seemed to have the answer all along, yet he never let me know. Even when I was nominally dating the daughter of the Zheng family, which touched a nerve with him, he remained silent and even had my teacher help conceal my identity so that the Zheng family wouldn't know I was his son. But when I saw Zheng Xuerou rebelling against her parents and refusing an arranged marriage to run away to the United States to pursue a doctorate, I also had the idea of rebelling against my father. I once thought of using the deception of my marriage proposal to Zheng Xuerou to trick my father, or even my grandfather, into revealing the marriage that had been arranged for me long ago."
“I know the responsibility I bear, but I don’t want to be like the blind men and the elephant, trapped in a marriage I know nothing about.” Chongming hardened his heart and continued, “So when I found out that my marriage partner was you, I wasn’t happy at all.”
Meng Lanjian felt a jolt in her heart.
“I even hypothesized that if Zheng Xuerou hadn’t broken up with me, would you have given up and not wanted to marry me?”
Meng Lanjian stammered, "So you went to America really to keep her? To avoid a marriage alliance with me?"
“No.” Chongming shook his head firmly. “I only learned from Dou Yaozu when I got off the plane after returning from the United States that my father had gone to the Fourth Nuclear Science and Technology Department to look for you—it was only then that I realized that you were the person I was about to marry. The person I had been looking for was right beside me. At that time, the war between the North and the South was imminent, and I had no way to turn back.”
"Chongming, why are you so determined to make me give up? Why don't you want me to agree to the marriage alliance?"
“Because I want you to be my junior sister for life.” Chongming squeezed her hand tightly. “Being Lu Dingyue’s wife would be too much of a waste for you.”
"But how do you know I would feel wronged?"
"Because you like me."
At this point, Chongming could no longer pretend not to know.
He needs to be honest with her, and also honest with his own heart.
"And you never knew that all I wanted was for you to be my carefree junior sister, Meng Lanjian."
"Then why would you want me to be carefree?"
Meng Lanjian was determined to get the answer she wanted, relentlessly asking questions. Whether Chongming resented her stubbornness or was annoyed by her lack of understanding, she needed to hear him say it out loud before she would be convinced.
“Because I want you to stay far away from me, the farther the better,” Chongming replied, seemingly ignoring the question.
Then, he suddenly chuckled softly.
"Because I'm a cold-blooded animal, even if I force you to like someone else, I don't want you to continue liking me."
"Chongming!" Meng Lanjian's tears fell without warning. She interrupted his evasive words, looked at Chongming whose eyes were red and swollen, and through her blurry vision, gently touched his face, which was trying to suppress his grief. "How long are you going to lie to me?"
"Because I didn't know I would be able to marry you one day." Chongming looked at Meng Lanjian. He knew he was doomed. How could he have said such things? But he was already doomed.
“I hate those politicians’ marriage schemes, I hate that I was born into the Lu family and my marriage was not my own choice, I hate that I was slow to realize things and so stupid, using other people’s opinions to suspect my father. But none of these are what I hate the most. Do you know what I hated the most before I came back from America?”
"What I hate most is that I can never marry the person I love in my entire life."
"So I'd rather watch her fall for someone else."
"It seems that this way I won't have so many regrets, and it seems that I can deceive myself to feel better."
"But when I found out that she could really marry me, my biggest fear was that one day she would find out how much I had wanted to be with her, but I thought I couldn't, so I gave up."
"I gave up all possibilities of loving her."
"But she never gave up on me."
"Therefore I am not worthy to be her husband."
@The author who's writing until he's confused: Before Lan Jian joined the Nuclear Research Institute, there was a hidden reason why Chongming and Zheng Xuerou almost got married, which will be explained later; also, some details from Chongming's perspective, although they were foreshadowed earlier, will be added in the next chapter / because this chapter is just too long!
Can I see everyone's comments and Zhuzhu's encouragement? [wink]
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