Chapter 81: At the beginning of the madness, the prince begged
The first rainstorm of autumn came suddenly and violently.
Bean-sized raindrops slammed onto the bluestone slabs, sending up splashes half an inch high. A dense curtain of rain enveloped the entire capital in a humid haze. Outside Yun Zhi's temporary residence, the dark figure had been kneeling for two hours.
Xiao Jin's brocade robe, long soaked through by the rain, clung heavily to his body. His hair was disheveled, strands of wet hair clinging to his pale face, obscuring the bloodshot eyes. The bluestone beneath his knees was shimmering from the rain, and a faint dark red mark could be seen—the blood that had seeped from his rubbed knees, mixed with the rainwater, spreading across the stone in tiny spots.
With a "creak", the side door of the villa opened a crack, and a maid in a green cloth skirt came out carrying a basin of dirty water. Seeing Xiao Jin kneeling at the door, she was so scared that her hands trembled and the water in the basin almost spilled on her feet.
"Your Highness..." The maid's voice was filled with fear. She had long heard about the Prince Duan's mad behavior in the palace a few days ago. Seeing him kneeling at her young lady's door, she was too frightened to even look up. "Our young lady said, 'Please go back. This is not the place for you.'"
Xiao Jin slowly raised his head, and raindrops dripped down his jawline, hitting his clothes with a soft "pat" sound. His voice was hoarse as if it had been rubbed with sandpaper, and every word was filled with unspeakable fatigue and pleading. "Go and tell her again, just say... just say that Xiao Jin asked her to see him, even if it's just for one sentence."
The maid bit her lip and stole a glance into the courtyard. The lights in the main room were on, and a slender figure was reflected on the window paper. It was obvious that Yun Zhi was inside, but she didn't even bother to look out. She sighed and said softly, "Your Highness, it's not that I don't want to help you, but the young lady said that if you don't leave, she will...she will move in with Doctor Xie."
"Don't!" Xiao Jin suddenly grabbed the maid's wrist with such force that she cried out in pain, "Don't let her go to Xie Heng! I'm leaving... I'll wait a little longer. She'll see me eventually, right?"
His eyes were filled with paranoid anticipation, like a drowning man grasping at his last straw. Seeing him like this, the maid felt a little sorry for him, but she still struggled to free herself from his hand, carrying the basin of water and quickly walking back into the courtyard. With a bang, she shut the side door, as if to completely isolate herself from the wind and rain outside and Xiao Jin's pleas.
Xiao Jin's hand froze in mid-air, rain dripping down his fingertips, the cold touch making him shudder. He slowly withdrew his hand and lowered his head again. The stinging pain in his knee became more and more obvious, but he seemed to feel it and continued to kneel straight.
The rain got heavier, and the wind carried the raindrops, which hurt like a knife on his face. Xiao Jin's thoughts drifted away, back to three years ago.
At that time, Yun Zhi still lived in the west wing of Prince Duan's mansion. She wore the pink dress he had given her, looked at him with sparkling eyes, and said, "Prince, today's osmanthus cake is delicious."
At that time, she was pregnant with his child, and she held her waist carefully and said to him, "My lord, do you think this child will look like you or me?"
At that time, he personally brought her the abortion medicine and watched her curl up on the bed after drinking the medicine, her face pale. But she didn't even say a word of defense, just looked at him, her eyes full of despair...
"Ah—" Xiao Jin clutched his chest, the intense pain forcing him to let out a low cry. The images he had deliberately forgotten now flooded back like a tide, each one like a sharp knife, piercing his heart. How could he be so cruel? How could he force the girl, whose heart and eyes were filled with his, into such a state?
"Zhi'er... I know I was wrong..." He faced the tightly closed courtyard door, his voice choked with sobs, tears mixed with rainwater streaming down his face, "I shouldn't have believed Shen Qingyue's words, I shouldn't have been so cruel to you, I shouldn't... I shouldn't have let you suffer so much. You can come out and scold me, or beat me up, but don't shut me out, okay?"
The courtyard was still silent, with no response.
In the main room, Yun Zhi sat at the table, holding a half-read book in her hands, but her eyes were not fixed on the pages. She could hear the sound of rain outside the window and Xiao Jin's pleading, but her heart was like a stagnant pool of water, without a ripple.
She recalled three years ago, when she knelt at the gate of Prince Duan's mansion, begging Xiao Jin to take a look at the evidence against the Yun family and to spare the elderly, weak, women, and children of the Yun family. What did he say then? He said, "A daughter of a guilty minister, are you worthy enough to negotiate with this prince?"
She recalled being pushed into the pond by Shen Qingyue, and having a high fever from the cold, but Xiao Jin stayed by Shen Qingyue's side, saying, "You deserve it. Who made Qingyue unhappy?"
She recalled the day when she lost her child. Xiao Jin held the jade pendant given by Shen Qingyue and said, "You are not worthy of bearing my child. Qingyue is the most suitable woman for me."
These images, like scars etched into her bones, would never heal, even after three years, even if the Shen family had been brought to justice, even if the Yun family had been exonerated. Xiao Jin's pleading now seemed to her like a belated, cheap confession. He wasn't kneeling to her, but to his own conscience; he wasn't asking for forgiveness, but for his own release.
"Miss," the maid who had just delivered the message came in and looked at Yun Zhi's pale face. She couldn't help but persuade her, "It's raining so hard outside. If the prince continues to kneel, I'm afraid something might happen... Otherwise, why don't you just meet him?"
Yun Zhi slowly raised her head, her eyes devoid of any warmth. "Why would I see him? Would seeing him bring my dead child back to life? Would it bring all 173 members of the Yun family back to life? Would it make all the suffering I've endured these past three years disappear?"
The maid was speechless after being asked this question. She could only lower her head and stop talking.
Yun Zhi returned her gaze to the pages of the book. Her voice was calm but filled with unquestionable determination. "Go and tell Prince Duan that he's kneeling on the bluestone, not my forgiveness. He kneels for a day, a year, a lifetime, but it's not worth the lives of a hundred people in my Yun family. Tell him to get out and stop polluting my place."
The maid bit her lip, and taking Yun Zhi's words, she walked to the side door again, gently pushed it open a crack, and said to Xiao Jin outside: "Your Highness, our young lady said... said your knee is not worth a hundred lives of the Yun family. Please go back and don't dirty our young lady's place here."
"It's not worth... the hundred lives of the Yun family..." Xiao Jin muttered, his strength drained from him. He swayed, nearly collapsing. He supported himself on the bluestone slab, struggling to raise his head. He stared at the closed gate, the hope in his eyes slowly fading, leaving only endless despair.
Yes, how could he forget? All 173 members of the Yun family lost their lives because of his credulity and cruelty; that unborn child was never born because of his indifference. His knees, his confession, were truly worthless in the face of those lives.
"Puff—" A mouthful of blood suddenly spurted out of Xiao Jin's mouth, splashing onto the bluestone slabs and mixing with the rainwater to form a glaring red. He clutched his chest, his body trembling violently. His vision went black, and the sound of rain seemed to recede, leaving only his heavy breathing.
"Your Highness!" Seeing this, the guards standing nearby rushed over and tried to help him up. "Hold on! We'll take you back to the palace right away!"
"Don't touch me!" Xiao Jin pushed the guard away fiercely, his eyes bloodshot as if he wanted to kill someone. "I'm not going back home! I want to wait for Zhi'er... I want to wait for her to see me..."
He struggled to kneel back down, but his body could no longer support him, and he collapsed heavily onto the bluestone slab. Raindrops pelted his face, but he seemed oblivious. He simply stared at the closed courtyard door, repeating to himself, "Zhi'er... I was wrong... Just see me once... Just once..."
The guards felt a little sorry for him when they saw his crazy look, but they dared not disobey his orders. They could only wait anxiously, praying that the rainstorm would stop soon and that Miss Yunzhi would soften her heart and meet him.
In the main room, Yun Zhi heard the commotion outside and knew something might have happened to Xiao Jin. Her fingers paused for a moment, but she quickly regained her composure and continued flipping through the pages of her book.
She was no longer the girl from three years ago who would soften her heart at Xiao Jin's slightest pain. The suffering he endured today was only a ten-thousandth of what he had inflicted on her back then. This wasn't revenge, it was just a matter of settling even.
The rain continued to fall, washing away the bloodstains on the bluestone slabs and also washing away Xiao Jin's last bit of dignity. He lay in the cold rain, his consciousness gradually blurring, but he still kept repeating Yun Zhi's name, his eyes filled with paranoid madness.
He didn't know that this plea, in the name of "atonement," was doomed from the very beginning. What stood between him and Yun Zhi wasn't a gate, but 173 lives, an unborn child, and three years of indelible pain and hatred. He couldn't atone for any of this simply by kneeling.
This rainstorm was only the beginning of his madness. In the days that followed, he would gradually experience the pain Yun Zhi had endured, amidst endless regret and pleading, until he was completely consumed by despair.
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