Chapter 33 "Gu Zhan, I hate you."
Shen Mi felt as if a huge rock was pressing on her chest, making it almost impossible for her to breathe. The name of that rock was "rules and etiquette".
She used to live such a happy and carefree life under the protection of her father and brothers, but after her father and brothers died in battle and her family fell into ruin, she was left with no one to rely on.
When the imperial decree betrothed her to the current Crown Prince Gu Zhan, she thought that Gu Zhan's reputation and good name among the common people should not treat her too badly, and she should still have something to rely on for the rest of her life. So she willingly concealed all her former sharpness, temperament and talent under this gorgeous and loose palace dress. No matter how harsh and difficult Wu, the palace instructor who taught her etiquette before her marriage, was to her, no matter how difficult those etiquette rules were to learn, no matter how rude Gu Chiying was to her, she swallowed it all.
After all, she knew all too well that the palace was not her home. The palace had its own rules and regulations, and the imperial family had its own dignity and face.
She knew that the hardest life in the deep palace was for concubines who had no family to support them, no favor, no children, and were no longer young and beautiful.
Unfortunately, her situation was almost the same, except that she was still young. So when she first married into the Eastern Palace, she racked her brains and tried her best to please Gu Zhan, just so that her future days would be easier. She didn't dare to imagine that Gu Zhan would treat her differently.
But later, Gu Zhan actually became somewhat kind to her, willing to listen to her, and willing to let her serve as a scribe in the Qin Zheng Hall. She gradually developed desires for more, and even felt a little jealous of the Crown Princess Su Yuzhao, who was not yet married to him. When she realized that she had such thoughts, she quickly banished them from her mind and repeatedly convinced herself and made excuses for Gu Zhan.
She thought that as long as she behaved herself; she thought that as long as she kept a low profile; she thought that as long as she didn't anger Gu Zhan; she thought...
It was all just her perception.
She said that Gu Zhan clearly didn't want an illegitimate eldest son, so why did he force her to get pregnant with that child back then? She even thought Gu Zhan had changed his ways. It turned out that Gu Zhan had been planning to bring Su Yuzhao into the family while she was pregnant, and even sent the Crown Princess's nine-flower crown to the Eastern Palace. However, she was pushed into the water by the Princess of Wei at the Emperor's birthday banquet and unfortunately miscarried. It seemed that Gu Zhan treated her better after that.
And on her birthday, she wore a clearly oversized auspicious robe. Now that I think about it, Su Yuzhao was slightly taller than her, so the size of that auspicious robe should have been Su Yuzhao's.
It wasn't until tonight, when she accidentally overheard a conversation between Gu Zhan and Yang Ping, that she learned the whole story—Gu Zhan not only wanted to marry Su Yuzhao, but also wanted to give her child to Su Yuzhao to raise.
She dared not imagine that Gu Zhan could do such a thing today. If she really gave birth to a child in the future, would he directly abandon the mother and keep the child to prevent future troubles? Otherwise, if the child grew up and recognized her, wouldn't Gu Zhan have planned all this for nothing?
She could accept that Gu Zhan didn't love her, but she couldn't let Gu Zhan take her life.
Shen Mi became more and more frightened as she thought about it. She almost had to support herself on the table with both hands to keep from falling because her legs were too weak to stand.
She felt suffocated just from that, so she went to the window, opened the shutter, and wanted to breathe in some fresh air.
Although it is early spring, the wind still blows a bit chilly at night.
Shen Mi was dressed in thin clothes and without a cloak. Standing by the window, she did not feel cold at all, perhaps because her heart was too cold.
The wind blew harder and harder, and she grew colder and colder. Eventually, she even got a headache, so she closed the window and forced herself to walk back to the table.
She stared at the two characters "divorce" written on the Xuan paper on the table, her eyes stinging with tears. After taking a deep breath, she picked up her brush and wrote down the rest of the divorce agreement:
I have heard that it is the natural order of things for a married couple to separate; even letters exchanged between fish and geese are ultimately destined and cannot be changed. Since our marriage, a year has passed in the blink of an eye. Every time I see your sparse and indifferent expression, I realize that we are not a good match, like a cold candle burning behind a painted screen. Moreover, I am of frail constitution and have not been able to produce an heir. In the middle of the night, I examine my heart and feel truly ashamed of my duty as a wife.
Since our cause and effect have already ended, it is better to cut the cocoon and unravel the knot. I wish to untie the golden thread of our shared heart and break our vows. From now on, the moon's shadow will shine in the east and west respectively, and the spring blossoms will flourish in two separate places. Therefore, I write this letter to forever sever this entanglement. I humbly wish that you would remarry into a noble family and forge a new bond of marriage.
After writing the divorce letter, her wrist suddenly went limp, and the ink-stained pen fell to the ground with a "thud," leaving a glaring ink stain on her lotus-colored dress as it fell.
She had no heart to pick it up; her vision was gradually obscured by the misty fog, and a crystal tear fell onto the still-wet Xuan paper.
Shen Mi has always been intolerant of anything flawed. She wanted to crumple up the paper and rewrite it, but she simply didn't have the strength to do so. In the end, she just gently wiped away the tears on it with her handkerchief.
Even though she was very careful, the word "broken" was still somewhat blurry because it was wet with tears. Shen Mi examined it by the light and found that it wouldn't prevent her from seeing it clearly. Besides, Gu Zhan might not even be able to see it, so there was no need to make a fuss.
Danju's voice came from outside the door: "Consort, His Highness has sent word that he is busy with state affairs tonight and will be staying at the Qin Zheng Hall. He told you not to wait."
Shen Mi responded, indicating that she understood.
Sure enough, they stopped acting altogether. But that's fine, it should make leaving the Eastern Palace easier.
Once the ink on the divorce agreement had dried completely, Shen Mi carefully folded it up and put it away.
The night was still long, and Shen Mi lay on the couch, tossing and turning, but couldn't fall asleep.
She thought of many things.
Two years ago, on the Laba Festival, Gu Zhan defended her at Kaibao Temple and demoted Chen Jun to Huazhou.
When she first learned to cook, she burned her hand, and Gu Zhan asked Sun Cheng to bring her burn ointment.
She wanted to do something useful for Gu Zhan, and Gu Zhan asked her to help him massage his head.
Gu Zhan gave her a zither, set up memorial tablets for her family at the Daxiangguo Temple, promised to live a good life with her, threw her a birthday banquet, and flew kites with her...
Memories flashed before her eyes like a revolving lantern. She and Gu Zhan had been married for a year and a half, but in the end, they still came to this.
Shen Mi felt dizzy and didn't know when she fell asleep. When she opened her eyes again, the person she saw was Gu Zhan.
By then it was already bright daylight, and the Qingluan Palace was well-lit, with sunlight filling the entire room.
Gu Zhan was dressed in court robes, looking as if he had just returned from court.
Shen Mi blinked with difficulty and sat up. Gu Zhan put his arm around her waist and placed a pillow behind her back so she could lean on it.
"When I returned from court, I heard that you had caught a cold and had a fever. I have already asked Cheng Lin to examine your pulse and prescribe medicine. How are you feeling now?" He said, handing a cup of warm water to Shen Mi's lips.
Shen Mi inexplicably recalled the night she married Gu Zhan, when Gu Zhan abandoned her on their wedding night, saying she was still recovering from a cold, leaving her alone in an empty room.
Seeing his unusual patience, she felt a mix of emotions.
Well, since we're getting a divorce anyway, it doesn't matter whether this tenderness is real or fake.
Shen Mi then took the water cup and drank some water to moisten her throat.
Gu Zhan suddenly said, "Ziyou is preparing to discuss marriage."
Shen Mi paused in her drinking motion.
When Gu Zhan saw her action, his face became even more gloomy.
He asked Shen Mi, "Are you very concerned?"
Shen Mi held the water glass, looked at her slightly haggard face reflected on the water, and said softly, "It was just a bit sudden."
Gu Zhan clenched his fist, and then heard Shen Mi say, "But Su Zhanshi is already twenty-six, it's about time he got married."
Her tone was very calm, so calm that it sounded like a silent regret.
Moreover, she remembered Su Xingjian's age so clearly.
Gu Zhan asked her, "When Ziyou gets married, will you go to his wedding banquet with me?"
Shen Mi did not speak.
When Su Xingjian gets married, if there is an opportunity, she will probably send a congratulatory gift from afar, since Su Xingjian treats her as a friend, just like when Su Xingjian asked Su Yuzhao to send a congratulatory gift for her birthday last year.
However, attending with Gu Zhan is probably out of the question.
Seeing her silence, as if she were lost in thought, Gu Zhan couldn't help but chuckle: "You don't want to go? Is it because 'the spring colors cannot be contained within the garden walls, for a single red apricot branch extends beyond them'?"
Shen Mi finally turned her head to look at him, her eyes filled with disbelief.
Before she could even ask Gu Zhan about his desire to leave his mother and child for Su Yuzhao's sake, he had already suspected that there was something unclear between her and Su Xingjian.
Her relationship with Su Xingjian was completely innocent and a gentlemanly friendship. She was certain that she had not overstepped any boundaries, so how could she allow Gu Zhan to make arbitrary guesses and tarnish their reputations?
After the initial shock, all that remained was amusement.
Gu Zhan noticed her furrowed brows and asked in a deep voice, "Did I guess right?"
Shen Mi immediately felt even more that she had misplaced her affections.
She tossed the water glass in her hand to the ground and said to Cuiwei, "Go down first. I have something I want to say to His Highness alone."
Cuiwei didn't understand, but she still picked up the water cups on the ground and withdrew with the servants in the hall.
The door was closed from the outside, with a clear knocking sound.
Gu Zhan stared at her, his face so dark it looked like it could be squeezed to quench his thirst.
Shen Mi calmly took out the divorce papers she had written from under her pillow and handed them to Gu Zhan: "What I want to say is all in here."
Gu Zhan took the paper with a hint of doubt. When he saw the two words at the top, he frowned and quickly scanned the not-so-long divorce agreement, finally landing on the last three words, "Concubine Shen".
He held the divorce agreement in his hand and slowly asked, "You want a divorce from me?"
Shen Mi lowered her eyelashes: "Yes."
She didn't look at Gu Zhan, but her tone was firmer than ever before.
Gu Zhan asked again, "Do you dare to divorce me?"
He looked at the contents of the divorce agreement written by Shen Mi and sneered: "From now on, the moon's shadow will shine in the east and west respectively, and the spring blossoms will flourish in two different places. I humbly request that you remarry into a high-ranking family and form a marriage alliance. Is it you who wishes for me to remarry into a high-ranking family, or do you want to form a marriage alliance with someone else?"
Shen Mi originally wanted to talk to him properly, but for some reason, he was full of suspicion.
She had only exchanged a few words with Su Xingjian when they met by chance, yet he became so suspicious. At that time, he used the metaphor of "a woman having an affair" to imply it, but now he asked her directly.
She suddenly felt that there was nothing to say to Gu Zhan.
She rarely allowed herself to say anything like that in front of Gu Zhan, but she did say, "Whatever Your Highness thinks."
Then, looking quite weary, she closed her eyes and said, "If Your Highness has no objections, then grant my request."
She was certain that Gu Zhan would agree, so she didn't want to get entangled with him any further.
But all she could hear was the sound of paper being crumpled.
Shen Mi looked up at Gu Zhan and saw him throw the crumpled divorce letter into the charcoal brazier.
The flames shot up suddenly and quickly burned down to nothing.
She turned around and saw that Gu Zhan's eyes were as cold as frost. She asked softly, "Why?"
Gu Zhan said, "Shen Mi, do you really think it's so easy for you to divorce me? Don't forget, you were betrothed to me by an imperial decree. Divorce is not something you can decide with just a few words. I advise you to give up this idea."
However, Shen Mi had already come up with a plan. She looked at Gu Zhan calmly and said, "A formal divorce like that of ordinary people is naturally not possible. But I wish to be like the Princess Consort of Wei, requesting to go to a temple or Taoist monastery to practice Buddhism while keeping my hair, and to pray for the country. There were similar examples in the previous dynasty. When Emperor Suzong was still the Crown Prince, the Crown Princess Wei also requested to leave the palace to practice Buddhism due to her family's mistakes. She lived a life of quiet contemplation. I have seen the past and present and I also wish to do the same. From now on, there will be no more Consort Shen in the Eastern Palace. I will also go my separate ways with Your Highness and we will no longer have any entanglements."
Gu Zhan snorted coldly, "You've even thought of a way out for yourself. I'm afraid your going to temples and Taoist monasteries to cultivate yourself is just a pretense, while your real intention is to secretly have an affair with someone else."
Shen Mi parted her lips slightly, realizing that she couldn't reason with the person in front of her at all. "We were husband and wife, after all. Why would Your Highness smear my reputation? I really can't understand what wrong I did to make Your Highness so convinced that I would have an affair with someone else?"
Whether it's a misunderstanding or the truth, you know the answer in your heart.
Looking at those tearful eyes, Gu Zhan felt inexplicably irritated.
Shen Mi felt even colder. She gripped the quilt and said, "Since Your Highness insists that this is the truth, I suppose Your Highness cannot tolerate the infidelity of your spouse. So please grant me permission, and I will rewrite a divorce agreement. Please sign it." As she spoke, she tried to lift the quilt and get out of bed.
Gu Zhan narrowed his eyes, grabbed her wrist and pulled her back, pressing her into his arms. He whispered in her ear, "Shen Mi, I disagree."
Shen Mi tried to break free from his embrace, but Gu Zhan held her even tighter.
The man coldly whispered in her ear, "Don't even think about it. Since you've married into the Eastern Palace, you're born alone and you'll die alone. If you want to leave and marry someone else, dream on."
As the surroundings quieted down, Shen Mi was surprised that Gu Zhan would refuse so resolutely, and even more surprised that he would be so obsessive.
The air was stagnant on the side of the bed curtains, while the soft couch by the window was bathed in light and shadow.
Gu Zhan's embrace should have been warm, but Shen Mi felt as if she were holding a block of ice.
"My things, even if I don't want them, I won't let anyone else destroy them."
Gu Zhan tightened his grip on her, refusing to let go.
As long as she doesn't harbor such thoughts, I don't care what she thinks at all.
Shen Mi was stunned for a moment when she heard his words.
An object? So, in his heart, from beginning to end, I was just an object?
Shen Mi suddenly realized how ironic it was that she had been lying on this couch last night, thinking about the tender moments Gu Zhan had shown her.
She once regarded Gu Zhan as her husband with whom she could grow old together, and even wrote "May Zhan have everything go smoothly" on the red silk at Kaibao Temple. However, she never expected that Gu Zhan only regarded her as an object.
Seeing her distraught expression, Gu Zhan's face darkened.
Is it really that painful for her that she can't be with Su Xingjian?
He laughed in anger, suddenly released Shen Mi, and stood up.
As he turned his back, he heard Shen Mi call out his name: "Gu Zhan, I hate you."
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Author's note: Damn Gu Gou.
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