Chapter 72 72 Trying to Empathize with Her
Shen Mi was unable to face reality for a moment. This child had come at such an inopportune time; why did it have to be now?
She remembered how Gu Zhan used to pester her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, repeatedly saying he wanted to have a child with her. But she didn't take it seriously at the time. She knew her body better than anyone else; she was not easy to conceive, and after falling into the water years ago, she had never fully recovered. She never imagined that she would have this child at this time.
When she escaped from Bianjing to Runzhou with Su Xingjian's help during the fire, she made up an excuse when asked by the neighbors in Huaxi Lane, saying that she was a young widow. It was just a casual remark at the time, but now it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
As she recalled this incident, her regret deepened.
Seeing her pale face, Cuiwei felt a pang of sorrow in her heart. However, she could neither bear the pain of losing her husband nor the suffering of pregnancy for Shenmi. She could only tentatively speak to Shenmi, saying, "I asked the kitchen chef to prepare some nourishing soup. It's already cooked and is simmering on the stove. Would you like some, Madam? You must take care of your health first."
Shen Mi felt exhausted. She didn't want anyone around her at the moment and just wanted to be alone for a while, so she nodded to Cuiwei.
Just as Cuiwei was about to leave, she was stopped by Chen Mi in front of the screen.
Shen Mi's fingertips were still resting on her lower abdomen as she asked, "Which doctor did you call?"
Cuiwei was slightly puzzled, but still answered truthfully, "It's the physician Wang from Anrentang, which is closest to my home."
Shen Mi instructed, "Go and bring the person back."
Cuiwei looked worried. "Is my wife feeling unwell again?"
Shen Mi slowly shook her head. "My current status is special, and the news of my pregnancy must not be spread. Go and invite him to our home under the guise of a medical consultation. Give him enough money and have him close Anrentang for the time being, so that he can become our family's physician."
Although Cuiwei did not know Shen Mi's intention, she still nodded, "Okay, this servant will go and do it right away."
With her eyes closed, Shen Mi carefully weighed her current situation. When she first heard from Chen Jun that Gu Zhan had been crippled and died without a complete body, she was indeed heartbroken. However, the child in her womb reminded her that she had more important things to do.
When Chen Jun forced her, she briefly considered dying for Gu Zhan, but now that she was pregnant with this child, she had two lives on her hands, and if Gu Zhan's were included, it would be three lives. She couldn't just die so hastily.
In this way, she would not be the Shen Mi who came from a military family.
Although she possessed the divorce papers left by Gu Zhan, which were written before Gu Zhan was deposed, and she had already returned to the Shen family, so Gu Zhan's deposition would not implicate her, she could not reveal the news that she was pregnant with the deposed crown prince Gu Zhan's "posthumous child." If the news leaked, the Wei King's faction would certainly not let it go.
Although Gu Zhan's position as crown prince has been revoked, this child is a genuine member of the imperial family. The King of Wei would never allow a wildfire to be extinguished and then revived, at which point neither she nor the child would be able to survive.
Moreover, Chen Jun has now gone mad with desire, and he is determined to make her submit to him. If he finds out that she is carrying Gu Zhan's child, he might even force her to drink an abortion potion before the King of Wei does.
In fact, if she were to make a completely rational decision, the best solution for her current situation and the child in her womb would be to quietly abort the child while it was still early in the pregnancy. However, she was unwilling to live a life of dishonor; if she wanted to live, she wanted to live with this child, upright and honorable.
Because this is not only Gu Zhan's child, but also her child. She was unable to protect the child she had six years ago, but she must protect this child in her womb, not for any other reason than that she is the mother of this child.
The love of a parent for their child is universal.
Shen Mi suddenly remembered that when she opened the box, there was a letter of divorce and a tiger tally inside, but she was so focused on reading the contents of the letter that she had overlooked the tiger tally.
She suddenly opened her eyes and looked around for the box, then found it on the table on the soft couch by the window.
Shen Mi threw off the covers, not even bothering to put on her clothes, and walked towards the soft couch.
Seeing that the box hadn't been locked yet, but was only hastily closed, and that it was impossible to tell what was inside, Shen Mi felt somewhat relieved.
Upon seeing the divorce agreement, Shen Mi felt another dull pain in her heart. She looked away, forcing herself not to look at the divorce agreement or think about its contents. She simply took the tiger tally out of the box.
She gently stroked the surface of the tiger tally. She recognized it; she had seen it on Gu Zhan before. Gu Zhan had told her that the tiger tally could mobilize the three thousand Thousand Bull Guards of the Eastern Palace to protect the Crown Prince in case of any unforeseen circumstances.
But Gu Zhan actually gave her the tiger tally two months ago, before he got into trouble.
The Imperial Guards protect the Crown Prince. Before his accident, Gu Zhan gave her his last trump card along with the divorce papers. Why? Was he worried about something happening to her?
She dared not imagine whether, if Gu Zhan had not given her the tiger tally that could mobilize the Thousand Bull Guards, he would still have had a chance to fight back when the news of the deposed crown prince came. She remembered reading in the history books of the previous dynasty when she was young that during the Xuanwu Gate Incident, Emperor Taizong's side only had about eight hundred people. If Gu Zhan could have mobilized these three thousand Thousand Bull Guards, he would not have been forced to leave Bianjing and encounter bandits on his way to Xichuan.
It's clear that Gu Zhan truly respected her choice this time, yet he still threw such a huge problem at her.
She had only two paths before her: either rely on this divorce agreement and her status as the Princess of Jianing to live a secluded and peaceful life for the rest of her days;
Either take this tiger tally and go all out.
The more Shen Mi thought about it, the tighter she gripped the tiger tally in her hand. At this moment, even breathing brought a sharp pain to her chest.
During her time at the Shen family, she had never heard of the Emperor's death or the ascension of a new emperor. Even when Chen Jun came to the Shen family earlier, he said that the Prince of Wei would soon ascend the throne. As long as the Prince of Wei was not changed to the Crown Prince, the tiger tally in her hand, which could command the three thousand guards of the Eastern Palace, would still be useful.
She had to come up with a foolproof plan; the tiger tally couldn't be rendered useless in her hands, and Gu Zhan couldn't die in vain.
While I was pondering this, Cuiwei returned.
As soon as Cuiwei pushed open the door, she saw Shen Mi sitting alone on the soft couch, dressed in thin clothes. Without even mentioning Doctor Wang, she quickly grabbed a cloak from the clothes rack and draped it over Shen Mi's back. "Why did you come down, my lady? When Doctor Wang came to examine you earlier, he said that your body needs to rest and cannot withstand any exertion or getting cold."
Shen Mi let her do as she pleased. Her mind was in turmoil, and she didn't feel cold. She only asked Cuiwei, "Where is that doctor surnamed Wang?"
Cuiwei said, "Don't worry, my lady. As you instructed, I spent a string of cash to persuade him to temporarily close Anrentang. He will stay at our house during this time."
Shen Mi nodded, then got up and went to the desk outside the screen.
The ink in the inkstone on the table was not yet dry. She dipped her brush in the ink, pondered for a moment, and wrote a letter. After the ink dried completely, she closed the letter and handed it to Cuiwei, saying, "Go to the Meng residence again and deliver this letter."
"The Meng residence?" Cuiwei tilted her head and frowned. "Which Meng residence?"
"I need to see Meng Tongfang, the commander of the Eastern Palace's Thousand Bull Guards."
Cuiwei agreed without hesitation and was about to leave when she bumped into the maid who came to the kitchen to deliver medicine to Chenmi to prevent miscarriage.
She changed direction again, intending to first fetch the candied fruit that was always kept in the house for Shen Mi to eat. However, when she brought the candied fruit box to Shen Mi, Shen Mi had already drunk the bitter-smelling medicine for preventing miscarriage without changing her expression, without leaving a drop.
The bitterness in Shen Mi's heart had already overwhelmed the bitter taste of the medicine, and when she drank it, she was completely unaware of its bitterness.
Or perhaps, she is all too aware of the necessity for her to take good care of her health now.
Cuiwei held the box of candied fruit, unsure whether to hand it to Shen Mi or not, knowing that her mistress used to hate bitterness the most.
Shen Mi seemed not to have seen the candied fruit box, and only said to Cuiwei, "Don't delay, go quickly."
She had to make arrangements and plans as soon as possible, since Chen Jun would be visiting today and might not return for some time. Moreover, the Emperor was in imminent danger, and once he passed away and the Prince of Wei ascended the throne before his coffin, there would be no turning back. She had to act quickly.
As long as the King of Wei doesn't care about her, the widow of the deposed crown prince, the Shen residence will be safe for the time being. No matter how capable Chen Jun is, he can't directly place spies near the Shen residence, so all her actions will not be under surveillance.
Shen Mi arranged to meet Meng Tongfang, the commander of the Thousand Bull Guards, at Fanlou. This was the only foolproof plan she could think of at the moment. As expected, Meng Tongfang did not break his promise and arrived at the private room she had reserved at Fanlou on time, just as indicated on the invitation she had written.
Looking at Shen Mi, who had a white flower in her hair, Meng Tongfang knew that she was secretly observing mourning for His Highness the Crown Prince, and his feelings were complicated.
Before his accident, the Crown Prince entrusted the life and death of the Crown Princess to him. Even after the Crown Prince was deposed, the three thousand Imperial Guards were not mobilized. When he heard news of the Crown Prince again, he found that the Crown Prince had died in Tongguan. He was deeply saddened. During this time, he wanted to go directly to the Shen residence to see the Crown Princess countless times, but he remembered the Crown Prince's order that he was not allowed to disturb the Crown Princess's peace unless she sought him out. So he had to give up. But yesterday, when he saw the news from the gatekeeper that the Crown Princess wanted to see him at Fanlou, the heavy weight in his heart finally lifted, and he dared not delay for even a moment.
He clasped his hands in a military salute to Shen Mi, saying, "Your subordinate greets Your Majesty."
Shen Mi raised her hand, indicating that he didn't need to be so polite, and then sat down in the chair, inviting Meng Tongfang to sit next to her.
After Meng Tongfang sat down, she took out the tiger tally from her sleeve and placed it between herself and Meng Tongfang. "Does Commander Meng recognize this?"
Meng Tongfang nodded: "I will obey Your Majesty's orders."
Shen Mi took back the tiger tally. "Then I'll get straight to the point. I think His Highness entrusted this tiger tally to me because he trusts Commander Meng very much. Since His Highness trusts you, I also trust you. I want to know, when His Highness entrusted everything to you, what arrangements did he make for this tiger tally? Or rather, what did he want me to do with this tiger tally? I don't believe that His Highness went to great lengths to give me the tiger tally just to protect me in Bianjing, because once the new emperor ascends the throne, these three thousand Thousand Bull Guards will all be incorporated into the Imperial Guard according to the rules."
Meng Tongfang was surprised that the Crown Princess would ask Gu Zhan's purpose so directly. This had almost nothing to do with the rumored cowardly orphan who had no one to rely on. As a result, he admired Shen Mi even more.
He replied, "His Highness did indeed have other arrangements before his death. At that time, His Highness instructed me that if His Highness came to find me with this tiger tally, it meant that she would not be able to stay in Bianjing for long. In that case, I would lead the Thousand Bull Guards to escort His Highness out of Bianjing."
Where to?
Meng Tongfang said, "Shaanxi Road, Tongguan Prefecture, this is another way out that His Highness has left for the Empress. The Shaanxi Military Commissioner who guards Tongguan is also His Highness's man. If the Empress is troubled in Bianjing, she can go to Tongguan and live out her old age in peace. Deputy Commissioner Fan will prepare new household registration documents for the Empress. If the Empress wants to return to Yanzhou, that is also possible."
Shen Mi's lips parted slightly. Gu Zhan had arranged everything so perfectly, and all his arrangements were to leave her a way out.
Her eyes welled up with tears, but she quickly composed herself and continued to ask Meng Tongfang, "When can you escort me away from Bianjing to Tongguan?"
As long as Chen Jun doesn't give up on her, her pregnancy will eventually come out, and Bianjing is not a place she can stay for long.
If she wanted to make plans for the future, she and her unborn child had to survive first. She absolutely could not expose herself to the King of Wei at this time because of Chen Jun.
After a moment's thought, Meng Tongfang said, "Three days later, the gates of Bianjing will be under guard. I can lead the Imperial Guards left behind by His Highness to escort Her Highness out of Bianjing and to Tongguan."
Shen Mi thought for a moment. Three days was not too rushed and not too many things would happen. So she said, "Alright, then I will trouble Commander Meng." She paused and said, "There is one more thing. I have difficulty moving around. I would like to ask Commander Meng to go to the Imperial Mausoleum Guard and bring someone with me to Tongguan before we leave Bianjing."
Meng Tongfang hesitated for a moment, then asked, "Is it the Lady Yang in the imperial tomb?"
Shen Mi nodded, also glad that she had made the right choice.
Gu Zhan's true background should be a secret to him, and only those he trusts deeply know it. However, when she mentioned the imperial tomb, Meng Tong immediately thought of Consort Yang, which shows that Gu Zhan's trust in him is extraordinary.
Seeing that she acquiesced, Meng Tongfang did not ask any further questions, only saying, "I understand. I will definitely find a way to get this done within three days."
Shen Mi paused for a moment, then rose from her seat. "In that case, I can entrust the safety of myself and Consort Yang to Commander Meng with peace of mind."
As for the child in her womb, she did not plan to tell Meng Tongfang. Even though Meng Tongfang was Gu Zhan's confidant, the fewer people who knew about this, the better.
To avoid making their whereabouts too obvious, after leaving Fanlou, Shen Mi and Cuiwei wandered around somewhere else to blur their tracks. They didn't return to the Shen residence until almost evening, but unexpectedly ran into Chen Jun at the entrance of the Shen residence.
Chen Jun immediately noticed the white flower in Shen Mi's hair, and the smile on his face faded, but he still asked Shen Mi, "Why are you back so late? I've been waiting for you for almost half an hour."
Shen Mi ignored Chen Jun, saying, "I didn't ask you to wait, and I don't need to tell you where I am."
Chen Jun reached out and grabbed her wrist, preventing her from entering the room directly. "Zhi Niang, he's already dead. How long are you going to persist?"
Shen Mi frowned. She looked at the wrist that Chen Jun was holding. The tiger tally was hidden in the sleeve of that hand. She couldn't let Chen Jun find it. Considering this, she didn't make any big movements and just said, "Don't touch me."
Chen Jun stared at the white flower in her hair. "His position as crown prince has been abolished. He died as a commoner, or even a criminal. Are you still going to adorn his hair with a white flower?"
Shen Mi sneered, "Do you think everyone is like you, greedy for wealth and ungrateful?"
Hearing Shen Mi's sarcastic remark, Chen Jun's hand loosened its grip. "Everyone in the capital says that the former Crown Princess was virtuous and good at managing the household. It turns out that your personality hasn't changed at all since then."
Shen Mi didn't understand what this person was thinking, and didn't reply to him. She only asked, "Your career is now soaring, and you've come to the Shen residence to find me time and time again. What is the reason for this?"
Chen Jun reached out with his other hand, which was behind his back, and held a mahogany lacquer box in his hand: "These are the peach blossom pastries that you loved to eat when you were a child. I had someone queue for two hours to buy them. Want to try them?"
Shen Mi is currently pregnant and must be extremely careful about what she puts in her mouth. Who knows what Chen Jun might add to it? So she originally wanted to refuse directly, but then she thought that she only had a few days left in Bianjing and there was no need to provoke this madman Chen Jun. It would not be of any benefit to her escape later.
She hesitated for a moment, then took the mahogany lacquer box and said, "Thank you for your thoughtfulness."
Seeing that she was willing to accept it, Chen Jun felt better and asked, "Won't you invite me in for a seat?"
Shen Mi lowered her eyes: "Another day."
Chen Jun nodded, thinking that he shouldn't rush things, and didn't force the issue. "Alright, then let's do it another day."
Shen Mi breathed a sigh of relief and went inside with Cuiwei. She immediately ordered the servants to close the door.
Cuiwei looked at the box in her hand and asked, "Madam, what should we do with these peach blossom pastries?"
Shen Mi handed the box to Cuiwei, saying, "Throw it out the back door to feed the dogs."
Cuiwei couldn't help but laugh and responded enthusiastically.
Tongguan.
The crescent moon rested on the ridge not far away, kissing the ridgeline until it was translucent, and the ground was covered with clear moonlight.
Gu Zhan, dressed in his robes, stood by the window, gazing at the moon in the distant sky. It was as if by looking at that moon, he could see Bianjing and the person in Bianjing.
The peach blossoms in Guanzhong bloom a little later than those in Bianjing. At this time of year, the peach trees in the courtyard have only just sprouted buds, gently opening their branches.
Since arriving in Guanzhong, his perception of time has become much clearer, because he has never felt that each day is like a year.
Today is the eighth day of the third month. If this hadn't happened, tomorrow Bianjing City would have been filled with the sounds of gongs and drums, and the red procession would have stretched along several streets, with people crowding around to watch. It was the wedding date that he had asked the Imperial Astronomical Bureau to calculate based on his and Shen Mi's birth dates and times, and it was also the date he had promised to make up for it to Shen Mi. But now the two of them are in this situation.
Will she open that box?
After opening that box, will you see the divorce agreement first or the military tally he left behind?
Will you feel relieved and think that separation is a relief, or will you have a slight hesitation and feel a little pity for his "death"?
He hoped that Shen Mi would be safe and sound, and he also hoped that he could use the tiger tally to express his feelings to Shen Mi.
But he couldn't bear to see Shen Mi heartbroken, nor could he bear to see her shed tears.
Well then, Shen Mi once wanted to escape him so badly, she should find someone else, right?
Don't be sad for him.
Gu Zhan sighed, his thumb rubbing the peach wood plaque in his hand. The plaque bore Shen Mi's handwriting, which carefully read, "May Zhan have all things go smoothly."
Finding this wooden plaque was purely accidental.
It was the second year after Shen Mi left him. He went to Kaibao Temple on official business and passed by the most famous cypress tree in Kaibao Temple, which was covered with red silk and wooden plaques. A few days before that, Bianjing had just experienced a continuous heavy rain. The wind and rain broke some branches of the tree, and the red silk and wooden plaques hanging on it were blown down. When he arrived at Kaibao Temple, the young monks in the temple were picking up the fallen red silk and wooden plaques and hanging them up again with a ladder. However, they accidentally bumped into him, and the wooden plaques in their hands scattered all over the ground. He squatted down to pick them up, and among the pile of wooden plaques, he saw this one and recognized it at a glance. It was Shen Mi's handwriting. At that time, he thought it was one of the few things Shen Mi had left behind, so he picked up the wooden plaque and did not let the young monks hang it up again.
Recalling the past, Gu Zhan felt that familiar, suffocating feeling in his heart again.
So this is what she felt when she wrote that prayer plaque at Kaibao Temple back then?
Hesitation, doubt, envy, prayer... or perhaps other emotions he had not yet perceived.
From a young age, he was trained to be a proper crown prince. Everyone told him that the least important thing for an emperor is affection. Therefore, he had no sonly love for his father, only the awe of a subject for his ruler. He also only pretended to use the empress. The only guilt he felt was for his mother, who was trapped in the imperial mausoleum. However, because he did not have many memories of spending time with her and could not visit her often, it seemed that he had no other feelings besides the guilt of not being able to support her.
Only now did he realize that his "feelings" for Shen Mi could not be summed up in a single sentence.
It was only at this point that he seemed to be able to empathize with Shen Mi back then, albeit somewhat.
He placed the wooden plaque in a spot where it could be fully illuminated by the moonlight, and looking at the words on it, he couldn't help but slowly shake his head.
If you want to pray for someone on this wooden plaque, you need to write that person's birth date and time on it for it to work, but this wooden plaque only has those six characters on it, and no other characters.
Did Shen Mi not know about this custom at the time, or did she not know his birth date and time, or perhaps she didn't dare to write it down?
Gu Zhan sighed, "Never mind, it should have been me who took everything back to Bianjing to find her."
He then carefully put the wooden plaque back into his bosom, turned his back, and no longer looked at the cold, sorrowful moon.
It's better not to meet than to meet; it's better to be indifferent than to be affectionate.
He also hoped that everything would go smoothly for Shen Mi.
Since the day she secretly met Meng Tongfang at Fanlou, Shen Mi felt that everything had hope. She also tried her best to be accommodating to Chen Jun's daily visits.
She was able to fool Gu Zhan in Runzhou back then, so it's not difficult for her to fool Chen Jun now.
Finally, the time agreed upon with Meng Tongfang arrived. Early in the morning, she returned the indentures of all the servants in the Shen residence, gave them money, and sent them away. After doing all this, she carefully sewed the tiger tally into her clothes, put on veils with Cuiwei, and left the city.
The King of Wei had no time to pay attention to her, and the city gate inspections were not very strict. Just after 9 a.m., she met with the Thousand Bull Guards led by Meng Tongfang outside the city.
She sat in the carriage, looked at the layers of mountains to the west, glanced back at Bianjing behind her, lowered the curtain, and said to Meng Tongfang, "Commander Meng, there's no time to lose, let's set off."
She was going to Tongguan to fulfill Gu Zhan's last wish.
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Author's note: See you in the next chapter.
"It is better not to meet than to meet; it is better to be indifferent than to be affectionate." This line comes from Sima Guang's poem "Xi Jiang Yue".
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