Chapter 77, Section 77: "Three bows and nine kowtows, praying to the gods and Buddhas to forgive the sins of my life..."
Upon hearing this, Shen Mi froze on the spot, and the small bell she had casually picked up from the table stopped shaking.
In her memory, Gu Zhan was always the one who was high above. She had never seen Gu Zhan bow his head to anyone. Only when everyone bowed down to him did she realize that neither she in the past nor she now dared to truly regard herself as Gu Zhan's wife. In her heart, she only regarded him as a lord to serve.
This man, who seemed to have been born with an air of arrogance that looked down on all living beings, spoke to her in a tone that was not at all harsh. Even though his tone ended very evenly, Shen Mi could still hear a hint of gentle inquiry in it.
For a moment, she didn't know if it was her imagination.
It was precisely this that reminded Shen Mi of how, back when she was at home, her father would sometimes come home late and upset her mother, and this was how he would coax her.
Is Gu Zhan trying to "please" her?
The moment the thought arose, Shen Mi banished it from her mind.
Seeing her standing still without saying a word, Gu Zhan bent down, trying to glean her meaning from her eyes. However, just as their eyes were about to meet, Shen Mi lowered her gaze, with only the light filtering in from the window reflecting on her smooth and delicate forehead, making her eyelashes appear in the shadows.
Shen Mi glanced at the dazzling array of items on the table, and after a while, she moved away from Gu Zhan and said, "You don't need to buy these things. I'll buy whatever I want to eat or use myself."
Seeing Shen Mi pull away from him, Gu Zhan instinctively wanted to get closer, but after taking only half a step, he noticed that Shen Mi seemed to have retreated a little more. He had no choice but to stand still and repeat what he had just said, "Zhi Niang, I am your husband. Can't you rely on me a little more?"
Shen Mi slowly shook her head, "It's too difficult, Gu Zhan. It's just too difficult for me to rely on you."
Gu Zhan sensed the dejection and reluctance in her tone, and asked, "Why?"
"I don't want to deceive myself anymore."
Shen Mi's voice was soft, yet it struck Gu Zhan's heart like a heavy hammer.
"I don't want to tell myself that you treat me differently from others just because you spare some insignificant kindness from your fingers, and then have any delusions about you, taking your whimsical kindness towards me as if you have marital love for me."
Despite the soreness in her eyes from a sleepless night, Shen Mi continued, "Actually, I understand everything. I know that when you defended my face in front of outsiders, you were protecting the dignity of the Eastern Palace and yourself. I know that when you allowed me to secretly burn paper money for my parents and brothers in the Qingluan Palace, you didn't want to cause any trouble. I also know about the 'Fuyun' zither; you just pointed at it casually because I didn't see it in the Eastern Palace when I came back."
When Gu Zhan heard her mention "Fuyun," it was as if he had returned to the four years since Shen Mi left, to the sleepless nights.
He took a breath and explained to Shen Mi, "I didn't lose 'Fuyun'. After you left back then, I put 'Fuyun' into your cenotaph."
Shen Mi did not speak.
Gu Zhan replied to her previous question: "If I said that my kindness to you was not a whim, but a belated realization of love, would you believe me?"
Even though they had already talked things out, Shen Mi still felt a pang of sadness in her heart upon hearing Gu Zhan's words.
It felt like being caught in the gloom before a summer downpour.
Gu Zhan glanced at the little trinkets he had brought at Fan Nayan's suggestion, then looked earnestly at Shen Mi and said, "I've never done these things before. I only remember that you used to love eating the dried meat from the shop next to Fanlou. I saw it on the street today and bought some. I saw you doing needlework with an embroidery frame at the post station that day. I don't know if it was for a small dress or a tiger-head hat. But by the time the child can use these things, we will have already returned to Bianjing. At that time, I will naturally give our child the best. You don't need to do these troublesome things, it will hurt your eyes."
Shen Mi took a breath, placed the bell in her hand on the table, and said to Gu Zhan, "I am the child's mother. I do these things for him only out of my love for the child, so I never think it is a troublesome thing."
Gu Zhan frowned slightly; the words Shen Mi had mentioned were completely unfamiliar to him.
He grew up under the Empress's care. In his memory, the Empress and the Emperor never even indulged him, let alone showed such blatant favoritism. So he naturally assumed that giving meant valuing someone and providing material things.
After hesitating for a long time, Shen Mi said to Gu Zhan, "Gu Zhan, all emotions in the world are universal. Just like when I cared about you, I would listen to you carefully, remember your preferences, and learn to cook for you. No matter how late it was, I would wait by the light for you to come back, even if you didn't bother to say a word to me then..."
"Stop talking, Zhi Niang, stop talking." Gu Zhan's throat tightened, and even swallowing was extremely difficult.
The calmer and more composed Shen Mi spoke, the more his heart bled.
Looking back on the six and a half years since he met Shen Mi, a time filled with scars, he realized that the actual time they could be considered a truly loving and harmonious couple was only about six months.
The six months from when Shen Mi first became pregnant to when she first asked him for a divorce.
At that time, there was no deception, no betrayal, and no misunderstanding between him and Shen Mi. If he was to be said to have fallen in love, he should have fallen in love from that time onwards. However, he had not yet tasted the bitterness of loss, so he felt that love was the most useless thing in the world.
It was he who personally eroded Shen Mi's trust in him, bit by bit.
He wanted to tell Shen Mi everything, but when the words reached his lips, only one sentence remained: "All the mistakes of that year were my fault." He wanted to take her hand as he had coaxed Shen Mi in the past, but he was afraid that she would become disgusted with him, so he awkwardly withdrew his hand and asked her: "You just said that you used to care about me, so what about now?"
Shen Mi bit her lip lightly and said with great difficulty, "I've thought about it too, but I don't want to be used by you anymore."
"use?"
"When I saw the contents of the box at the Shen family's house, I thought you had left me a way out. Now it seems that it was clearly a way out you left for yourself. I've heard a bit about what happened in Bianjing these past few days. Now everyone knows that I'm carrying your 'posthumous child' and that I was forced to disappear by the Prince of Wei. You can use this to win people's hearts and minds, and then return to Bianjing when the time is right, isn't that right?"
Gu Zhan knew that Shen Mi was always intelligent and could guess these things, so he was not surprised and nodded in agreement.
Shen Mi gave a self-deprecating smile: "So, my child and I are still a part of your power grab."
“That’s not the case,” Gu Zhan immediately denied, and spoke frankly to Shen Mi: “At that time, I did try my best to leave you a way out. I also admit that it was my selfishness that led me to put that tiger tally in there. Whether you use it or not is your choice. So when I received the message from Meng Tongfang from Bianjing, I couldn’t wait peacefully in Tongguan. I never expected to meet you again under such circumstances. It is precisely because of this that I dare to tell myself that perhaps you still think of me to some extent.”
Mentioning this matter, Shen Mi's grievances instantly surged: "I had no choice at the time. Chen Jun came to my door with news of your 'death' to coerce me. In order to protect myself, I accidentally opened the box with the lock that you left behind. If I didn't leave, Chen Jun would not let it go."
Looking into Shen Mi's watery eyes and hearing the grievance in her voice, Gu Zhan, who had never known the reason why Shen Mi had opened the box, didn't even worry about being pushed away. He stepped forward first, pulled Shen Mi into his arms, pressed her forehead against his chest, and asked in a trembling voice, "Did he offend you?"
As she was pulled into his arms, Shen Mi's tears fell as well. She said, "If he had done something to me, I wouldn't have the chance to stand here."
Gu Zhan felt a slight dampness in his chest. He released Chen Mi, cupped her face, and gently wiped away her tears. "Zhi Niang, you and the child are as important to me as the empire, so I never considered including you and the child in my plans to return to the capital. I don't want our child to grow up amidst conspiracies and schemes like I have, becoming a cold-hearted monster, and decades later, doing the same absurd things I did..."
“I know that saying these things today won’t convince you in a day or two. I just want you to see that I’m trying to resolve the issues between us.”
As Shen Mi listened to Gu Zhan's almost confessional sincerity, her thoughts raced, and in the end she could only utter a single word: "Okay."
Gu Zhan then realized that although Shen Mi did not get close to him this time, she did not push him away, but simply let him put his arm around her shoulder.
He suddenly realized that this wasn't so bad after all.
Gu Zhan wondered if it was just his imagination, but ever since he and Shen Mi had talked about the past, Shen Mi was no longer as resistant to him as she had been when they first arrived in Tongguan. She would occasionally come to Lanju for a short visit, and when he went to her courtyard, she no longer turned him away like she had at the official post station. He thought that was excellent.
As the weather warmed up day by day, the situation in Bianjing gradually became clearer.
The King of Wei had been in his fiefdom for five years. Even though he had a faction led by Prime Minister Li supporting him in the court, he ultimately lacked a solid foundation. He soon found it difficult to control the increasingly uncontrollable situation. In addition, the three routes of Jingdong, Hebei, and Hedong suffered from drought in the spring this year, which delayed spring planting. The King of Wei was also focused on suppressing dissidents in Bianjing. He was almost at the end of his rope, but he was just holding on.
Gu Zhan knew that the opportunity he had been waiting for was about to arrive.
Unfortunately, he and Shen Mi still have a long way to go.
Fan Nayan noticed the Crown Prince's hidden worries and roughly guessed the reason. He suggested to him, "Your Highness, there is a Songguo Mountain south of Tongguan, and on the mountain is a Foya Temple, which is very popular. I heard that it is most effective in answering questions about having children and marriage. My wife and I have been married for several years, but we have never had children. After consulting many doctors, they all said that my wife and I were in good health. Out of desperation, my wife and I went to Foya Temple last spring to pray for a child. We did it as a wish, but unexpectedly, not long after we returned, my wife was diagnosed with pregnancy. If Your Highness has the time, you might as well go."
Gu Zhan recalled the wooden plaque he had picked up from Kaibao Temple in Bianjing. He was neither a believer nor averse to matters of gods and Buddhas. So he kept Fan Nayan's words in mind and went to Foya Temple on a quiet day.
Foya Temple, as its name suggests, is built along the steep cliffs of Songguo Mountain. The road up the mountain is not easy to walk, and since it is spring plowing season now, we did not encounter many pilgrims along the way.
Gu Zhan set off early and rode a horse, so he was much faster than ordinary pilgrims. When he arrived at Foya Temple, there were hardly any people in the temple.
The Guanyin statue at Foya Temple is very famous; the statue is cast in bronze but covered with gold leaf.
Gu Zhan stood in front of the Guanyin statue, took three sticks of incense from the altar, lit them, knelt sincerely on the prayer mat, and then offered them in front of the Guanyin statue.
He looked up at the Guanyin statue and remembered that the last time he worshipped Guanyin was when he accompanied Shen Mi. They worshipped the one in the Xiangguo Temple in Bianjing. At that time, Shen Mi asked him what he wished for, and he made up a story. In fact, when he knelt on the prayer mat with Shen Mi, he did not make any wishes. Now that he thought about it, if he had known that he and Shen Mi would end up like this, he would not have thought that he had no desire for love.
Facing the majestic Guanyin statue, Gu Zhan realized that his only wish was for Shen Mi to change her mind and for them to grow old together in love.
After standing up from the prayer mat, Gu Zhan bowed three more times. He was about to turn around and leave when he noticed a fortune-telling container on the side.
He shook the divination tube, and soon a wooden stick fell out. Gu Zhan picked up the stick from the ground and realized that there was no monk interpreting the divination slips next to the table.
He sighed softly, intending to put the wooden stick back into the divination tube, when an old monk with a white beard and eyebrows walked towards him.
The old monk didn't recognize him. He simply raised one hand to his chest and murmured, "Amitabha."
Gu Zhan nodded in response.
The old monk saw the wooden stick in his hand, stroked his beard, and said, "It is rare to see a man come to worship Guanyin alone. Do you have something to ask for, or do you have some doubts?"
Gu Zhan said, "Yes, we have both."
The old monk sized him up and said, "Judging from your appearance, you are a person of few emotions and little desire. How could you be troubled by love?"
Gu Zhan shook his head with a wry smile, feeling utterly frustrated. He didn't need to hide anything from the monk in front of him.
"It was because I thought I was heartless that I made so many mistakes and betrayed the sincerity of the people I loved. Now that I want to turn back, I find that the road ahead is rugged."
“Since you feel that the road ahead is rugged, why not let go now, realize the cause of your suffering as soon as possible, and escape the sea of suffering?”
Letting go? How difficult that is.
Gu Zhan never thought of giving up; he wanted what he cherished, and he would get it no matter what.
Gu Zhan's eyes darkened slightly: "Then please tell me, venerable monk, what is a blessed cause and what is a sea of suffering in this world?"
The old monk replied, "The past that you cannot let go of is both a blessing and a curse." As he spoke, he took the wooden stick from Gu Zhan's hand, glanced at the inscription on it, and advised him, "Your fate is fraught with misfortune, and your marriage prospects are shallow. Ordinary relationships are hard to come by. Since you have no intention of missing out, there is no need to force it."
Gu Zhan's heart trembled. How could someone as unlucky in love as him have met Shen Mi?
He recalled that beautiful face and asked the high monk opposite him, "What if I insist on forcing it?"
The old monk had practiced Zen for many years and was no longer surprised by such persistent people. He said, "That is going against the will of Heaven, accumulating karmic debts, and suffering retribution in the next life."
Gu Zhan remained silent for a long while before speaking again, his voice hoarse: "So, will this so-called 'karmic retribution' only befall me, or will the other person also suffer in their next life?"
"The cycle of cause and effect means that one person who sows the seeds of cause will reap the fruits of that cause."
Gu Zhan's furrowed brows relaxed, and he said, "In that case, I can rest assured."
As soon as he finished speaking, a young novice monk walked between the old monk and him and said, "Master, it is time to preach the sutra."
The old monk glanced at Gu Zhan, his tone tinged with regret: "This is all I have to say. I hope you will make a wise decision."
After the old monk left, Gu Zhan took a deep look at the Guanyin statue in front of him, which was covered with gold leaf.
He had heard that if one had a request in one's heart, one could kneel and climb the mountain, and with sincere devotion, even metal and stone could be moved.
He made his decision, bowed three times to the Guanyin statue in front of him, and then turned and left the Guanyin Hall.
Shen Mi has been having many dreams lately. Sometimes she dreams of the carefree days before she was married; sometimes she dreams of the first two years after she married into the Eastern Palace; sometimes she dreams of the comfortable and peaceful four years in Runzhou; sometimes she dreams of the time when Gu Zhan forcibly brought her back from Runzhou with chains tied to her ankles; sometimes she dreams of the time when she thought Gu Zhan was dead and was "mourning" for him. Her thoughts are in turmoil, and she always wakes up covered in cold sweat.
At first, she thought it was because her body hadn't fully recovered. After talking to the doctor, the doctor adjusted the prescription for the pregnancy-stabilizing medicine. She felt stable for a few days, but then it stopped working. She asked the doctor who had examined her pulse, and the doctor only said that it might be a psychological problem.
Shen Mi had guessed some of the reasons, but it was too difficult to explain to others, so she had Cuiwei send the person away.
She placed her hand on her lower abdomen. For several days in a row, she had been dreaming of that child from years ago. In her dreams, a child would cry out "Mother" to her, which would wake her up frequently.
Could it be that the scriptures copied back then for the child who was buried in Taiye Pond were not enough?
Since she had nothing to do, she asked her neighbors if there were any popular temples nearby so she could visit them. Someone suggested the Foya Temple on Songguo Mountain.
When the carriage reached the foot of Songguo Mountain, Cuiwei lifted the curtain, looked up at the sky, and turned back to look at her with great concern. "Madam, it looks like it's going to rain. Why don't we come another day?"
Shen Mi lifted the carriage curtain beside her, hesitated for a moment, then pursed her lips and said, "We're already at the foot of the mountain. Going back and forth would be too much of a hassle. I don't think it's going to rain anytime soon. There are umbrellas in the carriage, so it's fine."
Hearing her words, the driver started the cart again and continued along the road up the mountain.
Cuiwei's worries were not unfounded. As soon as the car came to a stop in front of the Foya Temple, a fine drizzle began to fall from the sky.
Shen Mi raised her sleeve to shield herself, and asked Cuiwei to fetch an umbrella from the carriage and open it.
Perhaps due to the weather, there were few people in the temple, which made it seem quite peaceful.
When Shen Mi went to the Guanyin Hall, she overheard two young monks talking.
"Is the benefactor who came this morning still kneeling before that Guanyin statue?"
“I remember that after I went to find my master, I saw him turn around and leave.”
"Alas, it is human nature to give up when faced with difficulties."
Another young novice scratched his head. "No, that's not it. I heard from Brother Chen that after seeing that benefactor come down the mountain, he actually followed the path up the mountain, bowing every three steps and kowtowing every nine steps, and is now kneeling in front of the Guanyin Hall."
"That really is a fool. Oh well, fate cannot be forced."
Listening to the two young monks' discussion, Cuiwei sighed to herself, "My lady, what are these people after?"
Shen Mi didn't respond to that. She held her umbrella and stood on the stone steps in front of the Guanyin Hall.
The temple doors were open, and a familiar figure knelt before the tall Buddha statue.
How could Shen Mi not recognize who that person was?
So the person who kowtowed 39 times to climb the mountain, as mentioned by the two young monks, was actually Gu Zhan.
She remembered that Gu Zhan did not believe in gods or Buddhas.
Seeing that Shen Mi was standing still, Cuiwei followed her gaze and saw Gu Zhan as well.
She opened her mouth in surprise: "That is... Your Highness?"
Shen Mi temporarily withdrew her gaze from Gu Zhan, turned her head and gave Cuiwei a few instructions, sending Cuiwei away.
Cuiwei, of course, understood Shen Mi's meaning, and thus wisely left.
Shen Mi stood on the steps, quietly watching Gu Zhan's back.
Since the day she and Gu Zhan had talked everything out, she no longer rejected Gu Zhan's approach as before. But now, as she stood on the steps with her umbrella, she had no intention of getting closer.
Although Songguo Mountain is not very high, it is still quite a distance from the foot of the mountain to the Foya Temple on the mountain. The carriage she took when she came took more than half an hour to travel there, let alone walking, especially walking with three hundred and nine prostrations.
She understood Gu Zhan less and less.
Gu Zhanben knelt on the prayer mat in front of the Guanyin statue, the sound of rain pattering in his ears. But at some point, he heard the sound of raindrops hitting the surface of an umbrella.
With a sudden thought, he bowed before the Guanyin statue, straightened up, and looked back.
The woman stood outside the hall, holding an oil-paper umbrella, her expression calm. The wind whistled past her ears, and it was unclear how long she had been standing there.
Gu Zhan stood up and walked towards Chen Mi.
Are you cold?
How did you get here?
The two spoke in unison.
After a moment of silence, Gu Zhan took the umbrella from Shen Mi's hand with one hand and wrapped her hand, which had been holding the umbrella handle, in his palm with the other, warming it.
Shen Mi slowly shook her head. "It's not cold," she said, looking up at the top of the umbrella.
The oil-paper umbrella wasn't very big; it would be barely enough for two women to share. However, Gu Zhan had broad shoulders and a wide back, and he was intentionally tilting the umbrella towards her, so half of his shoulder was soaked.
She lowered her eyelashes, gently tugged at Gu Zhan's sleeve with her other hand, and said, "It's windy in the rain, let's go to the corridor."
Gu Zhan noticed Shen Mi's actions and felt a moment of disorientation. He couldn't remember how long it had been since Shen Mi had tugged at his sleeve and spoken to him like this. Did this mean that his kowtow and prayers were effective?
His voice was slightly hoarse. "Okay, I'll listen to you."
After reaching the corridor, Gu Zhan folded his umbrella and leaned against the corner of the wall. Then he heard Shen Mi behind him ask, "I heard from the young monks in the temple that you started from the foot of the mountain, bowing every three steps and kowtowing every nine steps, all the way to this Buddha Cliff Temple?"
Gu Zhan hummed in agreement, accepting the favor.
After hesitating for a moment, Shen Mi still asked Gu Zhan, "Why do you have to do this?"
Gu Zhan turned around, lowered his eyes, and met Shen Mi's raised eyes, saying, "I will go up the mountain with three bows and nine kowtows to pray that the gods and Buddhas will forgive my sins in this life."
The moment their eyes met, Shen Mi caught a glimpse of weariness in Gu Zhan's eyes. She moved her lips, but didn't know what to say.
Gu Zhan took half a step closer to her, took her hand and held it in his own. "The abbot of the temple said that I was born with little fortune, lacking both parental love and a loving marriage. Perhaps it was heaven's mercy, or perhaps it was fate, that made me marry you, Zhi Niang, when I was twenty-three years old."
Hearing him recount his background, Shen Mi felt a lump in her throat and lowered her head in silence.
Then she heard Gu Zhan say, "I was once all alone, all by myself, and it was you who saved me."
Shen Mi's heart began to beat erratically.
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Author's Note: A long chapter is expected tomorrow; there's one last major plot point left! [clasped hands][clasped hands]
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