Chapter 74 "I was ignorant of love before and made many mistakes..."
Gu Zhan sat motionless on the edge of the bed. He looked at Shen Mi, who had turned her head away, his throat burning. His hand, which Shen Mi had slapped away, remained suspended in mid-air. He neither touched her nor withdrew it.
Shen Mi felt a tightness in her chest, biting her lip hard to suppress a sob and not wanting to shed tears in front of Gu Zhan.
Gu Zhan followed Shen Mi's gaze and saw the woman's red eyes. He took a deep breath and said, "It's alright. If you don't want to tell me, I will explain."
"It wasn't my intention to put chains on your ankles back then. At that time, Prince Wei had already returned to the capital, and you almost gave me a drug to induce me to bleed under the coaxing of Princess Wei. Although I managed to avoid it, it was only because the palace maid who was with you that day said that you met with Princess Wei in private while changing clothes in the side hall that I became more wary."
Upon hearing this, Shen Mi flicked her fingertip, which was tucked inside her sleeve.
She said that Gu Zhan was so sure that something had been added to the hangover soup. It turned out that he had secretly had someone watching her from behind. Her every move was under Gu Zhan's watchful eye.
Gu Zhan's gaze was fixed on Shen Mi's face, and he didn't notice Shen Mi's subtle movement just now. He continued, "But as you know, I can't be on guard against you every time. If there is a next time, I'm not entirely confident that I can see through their schemes, because the person I'm facing is you, Zhi Niang. So I can only use this most primitive and effective method to keep you in the East Palace and prevent you from seeing some insignificant people. We've already missed too much, and I don't want any more misunderstandings to arise."
It would have been better if he hadn't said that. As soon as he mentioned the chains, Shen Mi seemed to feel a slight pain in her ankle again, exactly the same pain she felt when she struggled back then while she was trapped by the chains.
She couldn't help but retort sarcastically, "You always have so many reasons."
Seeing that she seemed willing to talk to him, Gu Zhan's mood was no longer as gloomy as before. He said, "On the morning I let you go, I was in Fu Ning Palace. The night before, I didn't know what I would face, so I could only send you back to the Shen residence first. Sure enough, the next day I was imprisoned in the East Palace. About a month ago, the palace issued an edict to depose the Crown Prince and demote me to Xichuan. Only then did I have the opportunity to escape when I passed through Tongguan. But I was not entirely sure about these plans, so I didn't tell you in advance. I thought that with what was in that box, I could keep you safe no matter what."
Upon hearing the word "box," Shen Mi paused for a moment in surprise.
More than half a month ago, she accidentally opened the box and found the divorce papers and tiger tally inside. At that time, she really thought that Gu Zhan, such an arrogant person, had finally learned to respect her opinion and given her a choice. However, she was also heartbroken because of his "death without a complete body" and even felt guilty. She attributed the reason for his fate to herself. On nights when she dreamed of him, she dared not close her eyes, afraid that if she closed her eyes, she would see that elusive figure again.
Shen Mi still had her back to Gu Zhan and said, "I shouldn't have opened that box back then. When I saw that box, I should have thought you were already dead, and I wouldn't have been fooled like this."
Gu Zhan was taken aback. “Zhi Niang, I never intended to deceive you. I was forced by circumstances back then, but now everything is alright. We have reunited. After we recuperate in Tongguan for a while, we will fight our way back to Bianjing under the pretext of ‘purging the court of corrupt officials.’ All the changes and separations are only temporary. When we return to Bianjing, you, me, Mother, and our child will all be alright.”
The more composed he was, the more ridiculous Shen Mi found it, and so she gave a self-deprecating snort.
Shen Mi, you're still so naive. How could someone like Gu Zhan die so easily?
His feigned letter of divorce could cause you such heartache, making you endure the discomfort of early pregnancy and travel thousands of miles from Bianjing to Tongguan. You thought this was his way out for you, but little did you know that he had practically "claimed the mountain" there, waiting to return to Bianjing one day. All of this was just a means to lure you here.
She finally couldn't hold back her tears, and started coughing. Her stomach churned, and the bitter taste of the medicine she had just drunk filled her throat. Forgetting about confronting Gu Zhan, she turned around, grabbed the bedpost, and began to dry heave.
However, her stomach was empty, and she could only gasp for breath.
Seeing Shen Mi's actions, Gu Zhan felt a sharp pain in his heart. He reached out and pulled her into his arms, gently stroking her back.
His hand had barely touched Shen Mi's back when it was bumped by the protruding spine.
In the past two months, hadn't she already escaped his control? Why is she still so thin?
What did she experience in Bianjing during the time he had no news of her?
Or was it that Shen Mi was somewhat saddened by his "death"?
Shen Mi tried to break free from him, but Gu Zhan didn't move this time. He simply held Shen Mi in his arms and gently placed his other hand on her lower abdomen.
Back then, Shen Mi finally became pregnant with their child, but he made a foolish decision because of those dark schemes and selfishness. Now, with this unexpected child, he doesn't want any more accidents to happen.
“Zhi Niang, listen to me. In the days and nights since we parted, I have been thinking of you. I wish I could return to Bianjing as soon as possible and see you again…”
Shen Mi finally recovered a bit, though her breathing was still weak. She interrupted Gu Zhan: "So you just wore that mask, watching me catch the blade with my bare hands without saying a word. Did you think it was enjoyable for you to be so self-righteous in controlling everything? And that I deserved to be kept in the dark and deceived?"
“Zhi Niang, I didn’t think that way,” Gu Zhan’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “I wore a mask to hide my identity. I didn’t expect to meet you on the mountain road after you were attacked by bandits. When I saw you, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I didn’t want to look disheveled in front of you, and I didn’t know how to explain everything to you in a short time, so I didn’t take off my mask.”
The memory of being surrounded by bandits, and of that burly bandit roughly pulling open the curtain of the carriage, still sends chills down Shen Mi's spine.
She lowered her eyelashes gently, "Do you know, back then, I..."
How scared, how nervous, and how confused were they?
She snapped out of her reverie and stopped talking.
Forget it, why bother talking to Gu Zhan about this? He'll never learn to humble himself, so why bother?
Her gaze fell on Gu Zhan's hand resting on her lower abdomen, and she struggled in his arms again, "Let me go, I don't want you to touch me."
Seeing that she was emotionally agitated, Gu Zhan couldn't bear to hurt her any further. He let go of her hand and said, "Okay, I won't touch you. Don't hurt yourself. We'll take it slow. Tell me if you have any grievances, resentments, or anger. I'll listen carefully."
Shen Mi was caught in a dilemma. She hated Gu Zhan for keeping her in the dark, but he was indeed deposed because he had interfered in the Shen family's affairs.
If this hadn't happened, Gu Zhan would still be the Crown Prince. Given the current situation in Bianjing, with the Emperor seriously ill and the Crown Prince overseeing the country, Gu Zhan would naturally ascend the throne before the Emperor's coffin after the Emperor's passing, instead of plotting in Tongguan.
She composed herself and asked, "Why? Why weren't you told when something happened to my family? Those were my father and brothers, my family!"
Gu Zhan frowned and deliberately touched her fingers to comfort her, "Zhi Niang, I consider you family, so your family is also my family. I am your husband and the father of your child, and it is my duty to take responsibility for these things and solve these problems for you."
Shen Mi was surprised by Gu Zhan's words, and her ears went blank.
It seems that Gu Zhan has always been one to do more than talk.
She was unsure how to treat Gu Zhan. The pain he had caused her in the past was real, and the sacrifices he had made for her now were also real.
Shen Mi felt a stinging sensation in her nose and a tightness in her chest. She silently pulled the quilt over herself and said, "I want to be alone for a while."
Gu Zhan remembered the doctor's instructions: Shen Mi's health was already weak, and the pregnancy was not yet stable. He was advised to avoid extreme joy or sorrow. Helpless, he had no choice but to get up.
As he was about to leave, he turned back and said, "You are pregnant now, so you must rest well. If you need anything, just tell your servants. I will come to see you again after you have calmed down."
Shen Mi hummed in agreement, but said nothing more.
After Gu Zhan left, Cuiwei came in.
She hadn't dared to approach from outside and hadn't heard what the lady and His Highness had said. She only noticed that His Highness's expression wasn't good when he left, and when she came in, she saw Shen Mi leaning against the wooden frame supporting the bed, her eyes also lifeless. She became even more anxious, so she quickly walked to Shen Mi's side and cautiously asked, "My lady, are you alright? His Highness shouldn't have done anything too outrageous to you, right?"
Shen Mi's eyelashes fluttered.
What was excessive? The most "excessive" thing Gu Zhan did to her just now was that he held her in his arms when she was not feeling well. Apart from that, no matter what she said, Gu Zhan only offered explanations. If it were before, Gu Zhan would not have explained anything to her.
What was it like before?
She could only exchange a few words with Su Xingjian before he became enraged. In Runzhou, he threatened her with the lives of everyone she cared about. When he found her at the boatman's house, he carried her on his shoulder like a toy, tied her up, and took her back to the boat from Yangzhou to Bianjing. In the cabin, he did something that anyone would find humiliating.
In the past, she would only have to explain herself in a humble voice when Gu Zhan questioned her. How could Gu Zhan be so patient with her, tolerate her cold treatment, and kick him out?
After all, if she hadn't met Gu Zhan on the mountain road in Shanzhou the day before yesterday, it's uncertain whether she would still be alive.
Shen Mi gently shook her head and said, "No, I'm pregnant. What could he possibly do to me?"
Upon hearing this, Shen Mi herself was stunned.
Gu Zhan's words just now were all about the child, so his tolerance and patience towards her were only because of this child.
She recalled how Gu Zhan had been so indulgent towards her when she was pregnant with their first child. During that time, she especially craved spicy food, but the food in the Eastern Palace at that time was mainly Huaiyang cuisine, which Gu Zhan liked. Most of the chefs in the kitchen only knew how to cook light-flavored dishes. She also loved the signature meat jerky from Zhongji Meat Jerky, the shop next to Fanlou. Whenever she craved it, no matter how late it was, Gu Zhan would change his clothes and take people on horseback to buy it for her and bring it back.
That pregnancy was very difficult for her. Sometimes, the baby would make her angry and unwilling to endure the bitterness of taking the pregnancy-preserving medicine. Gu Zhan would try every possible way to coax her.
But in the end, he gave up her and the child for something more important to him.
How can someone like that be trusted?
When memories flooded her mind, her hesitation and inner turmoil immediately dissipated.
Cuiwei was unaware of all the things she had been thinking. She was only slightly relieved when she heard Shen Mi say that everything was alright. "Is there anything you'd like to eat, my lady? You haven't eaten a single grain of rice these past two days while you were unconscious. It's not good for your health to keep going like this."
Shen Mi felt exhausted and closed her eyes. "Anything is fine, just something light."
After Cuiwei agreed, she helped Chen Mi lie down before instructing the servants to serve the meal.
Counting the days, Shen Mi's pregnancy is now three months along. Perhaps for this reason, she ate a lot for her first dinner after waking up, which is unprecedented for her.
Gu Zhan seemed to have only come once, on the day she woke up, and didn't come to the post station for the next few days. Shen Mi was able to have some peace and quiet. However, whenever the night was deep and quiet, she would always touch her still-flat stomach, sit quietly gazing at the moon in the sky, and her thoughts would often wander. She herself didn't know what she was thinking.
Would it be better if there was someone by my side at this time?
She was unsure, so she asked the doctor who came to see her. The doctor only said that it was normal to have wild thoughts when the pregnancy was still in its early stages. He told her to take the pregnancy-stabilizing medicine on time, pay attention to her diet, and avoid overexertion. She wrote all of this down, taking it as a natural reaction of her body and not thinking much about it.
That day, Cuiwei was sorting through the things they had brought from Bianjing in their haste when she came across some old items. Not knowing what to do with them, she brought them over to ask Shen Mi for instructions.
Shen Mi looked at the bundle spread out in front of her. Inside were the magnolia hairpin that served as the key, the divorce agreement that Gu Zhan had left her, and the tiger tally.
Shen Mi's gaze lingered on the divorce papers for a long time, but her outstretched hand remained suspended in mid-air.
She brought these things to Tongguan, thinking they were some of the few "relics" Gu Zhan had left her. But now that he was not only alive but also well, these things she had intended to use as keepsakes now felt rather disorienting.
Shen Mi's mind was in turmoil. She raised her hand and used the cloth from the bundle to cover all those things; she didn't want to see any of them.
"Let's leave it for now and talk about it later."
Cuiwei nodded. Just as she was about to follow Shen Mi's instructions to pack the bundle, there was a knock at the door.
Although this was the official post station of Tongguan, and Gu Zhan had given instructions that there were guards outside, there were other people coming and going besides her and Cuiwei. It was nighttime, and she was still a little scared when she heard someone suddenly knocking on the door.
She gestured for Cuiwei to be quiet, then took a pair of scissors from her sewing basket, moved them closer to the door to soften her voice, and asked, "Who is outside?"
Standing under the moonlight, even through the door, Gu Zhan could tell that Shen Mi's voice was trembling slightly.
He couldn't help but frown and ponder what Shen Mi had gone through while he wasn't by her side to have such a strong sense of defensiveness.
Separated by a door, Shen Mi saw that silence followed her question, which made her even more certain that the person standing outside was an uninvited guest with ulterior motives. So she cleared her throat and said, "This is an official post station. If you dare to cause trouble, I will call for help."
Then, she heard a voice from outside: "Zhi Niang, it's me."
Shen Mi's shoulders, which had been hunched over with nervousness, relaxed, and she didn't answer Gu Zhan's question.
Gu Zhan hesitated for a moment, then said, "If you're not asleep yet, may I come in?"
His identity was special. Although Tongguan was temporarily filled with his confidants, people came and went, so it was always inconvenient for him to show his face. If he wanted to see Shen Mi, he could only do so at night. In addition, he had a lot of things to do lately, and he was afraid that Shen Mi had not recovered, so he kept restraining himself.
However, as the saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and after being separated from Shen Mi for so long, he could hardly bear the torment of missing her.
Cuiwei stood in front of the door and turned to ask Shen Mi for her opinion.
Shen Mi lowered her head, put down the scissors in her hand, took out the tiger tally that Gu Zhan had left for her from the bundle that Cuiwei hadn't had time to put away yet, and handed it to Cuiwei, "Go and return this to him."
Cuiwei didn't understand what he meant, but she did as he was told.
Gu Zhan stood outside the door and heard the door creak open. Cuiwei came out. He thought Shen Mi was willing to see him, but Cuiwei turned around and closed the door. She then bowed to him from two steps away and said, "Your Highness, my wife asked me to give you this."
Gu Zhan took the tiger tally from Cuiwei's hand. "What does she mean by this?"
Cuiwei remained silent.
What did Shen Mi misunderstand? Why did she suddenly return the tiger tally to him? When he gave the tiger tally to Shen Mi, he never intended for her to return it. Is Shen Mi trying to sever their relationship now?
Gu Zhan grew increasingly anxious. He raised his hand to push the door open, but stopped just as his knuckles touched the door. In the end, he only spoke to Chen Mi through the door, "Zhi Niang, I don't mean anything by it. I just wanted to come in and see you."
After he finished speaking, he carefully listened to the sounds coming from inside the door. It seemed like a long time had passed before a sound that resembled a sigh came from inside.
He heard Shen Mi say, "I'm fine, nothing's wrong, Your Highness doesn't need to see me."
"Zhi Niang, just let me take a look, okay?"
Shen Mi leaned against the wall and said to Cuiwei, "Cuiwei, come in."
Cuiwei glanced at Gu Zhan with some concern. Torn between the two, she decided to listen to Shen Mi and closed the door after entering.
As she entered the house, she noticed that Shen Mi's complexion was not good. Worried, she was about to speak when Shen Mi grabbed her wrist and said, "Don't worry, I'm fine."
Shen Mi pulled Cuiwei back to sit down. She had already taken the medicine to prevent miscarriage and felt a strong sense of fatigue. She told Cuiwei to turn off all the lamps except for one near the bed, which would be enough to provide light.
Gu Zhan never expected that his visit to Shen Mi would result in him being turned away.
He used to be the crown prince, and he was the only one who didn't see anyone else. Who would dare to turn him away? Even the emperor and empress never offended him in front of a group of palace servants. Even now that he has left Bianjing and temporarily retreated to Tongguan to plan, from Fan Nayan, the deputy military commissioner of Shaanxi, to all his subordinates, they all treat him with utmost respect.
I only came to see Shen Mi tonight, and was so ruthlessly blocked at the door.
Gu Zhan stood outside the door. He suddenly remembered that when Shen Mi had just married into the Eastern Palace, she seemed to come to him every day to bring him soup. However, he usually refused to let her in because he was busy with government affairs. He only let Sun Cheng bring in the soup and food she brought. Sometimes he would eat a few bites, and sometimes he would have someone throw it away because he didn't have time to drink it.
Whether it was because the palace servants never mentioned this to Shen Mi, or because Shen Mi was too young and too enthusiastic at the time, he persisted and came every day. On one of the few days when he was allowed to enter the Hall of Diligent Governance, the two of them could have rested there, but he was interrupted by some trivial matter that suddenly broke in, so he had to give up.
But Shen Mi didn't throw a tantrum. He found it strange and asked Sun Cheng, who also said that Shen Liangdi's expression was normal, so he ignored the matter.
Gu Zhan clenched his fist, a bitter feeling rising in his heart.
He had never paid attention to these details before, but today, when he was unexpectedly turned away by Shen Mi, he realized how many absurd and foolish things he had done in the past.
So he stood outside the door, considered his words for a moment, and said, “Zhi Niang, before I met you, I had never been in contact with or spent time with other women. I was also ignorant of love and made many mistakes. I do not dare to hope that you can forgive me easily. I only hope that you can give me a chance to make amends.”
Shen Mi sat on the edge of the couch, listening to Gu Zhan's words, which seemed to be expressing his feelings, but did not respond.
She didn't know how to respond.
From their arranged marriage years ago, which they entered into against their will, to the gradual development of discord, to the four years she spent escaping him in Runzhou, and then their reunion where he brought her back to Bianjing from Runzhou, so much had happened. She was no longer a teenage girl. She thought that after so many years, she had long since understood love and fate and could see these things very clearly. But when she heard Gu Zhan's words just now, she felt a sense of disorientation.
In the past few days, she has asked herself many times how she should deal with her "relationship" with Gu Zhan.
Should it end like this? It seems that apart from Gu Zhan, no one else could leave such a vivid mark on her life, and perhaps it would be difficult for anyone to be willing to give up what they once cherished most for her.
Can a broken mirror be mended as if nothing ever happened? It seems impossible. The problems between her and Gu Zhan are not just childish squabbles. She has always firmly believed that the most important thing for a couple to stay together is trust. But Gu Zhan doesn't trust her, and now it's hard for her to trust him anymore.
Seeing that Shen Mi was pursing her lips and frowning in silence, Cuiwei probed her from the side: "My lady, are you really not going to see His Highness?"
Shen Mi said with a heavy heart, "I won't see him. He won't wait long. Let's rest."
Seeing that Shen Mi insisted, Cuiwei didn't try to persuade her any further.
Before long, the sound of rain began to patter outside, the raindrops tapping against the windowpane with a "pitter-patter" sound.
Cuiwei got up from the soft couch, rubbed her eyes, and mumbled sleepily, "This servant will go and check if the window is closed properly."
Although Shen Mi was lying on the couch, she was not sleepy at all and let Cuiwei go.
The next moment, she heard Cuiwei say, "My lady, His Highness hasn't left; he's still standing in the rain..."
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