The first person to tell you it's snowing
She didn't look out the window, but only at me. Her lips were pale, and a few strands of hair were damp with sweat, clinging to her delicate, porcelain-like neck. She looked so fragile, as if she would shatter at the slightest touch. "Is it snowing?"
I looked back at her. "Yes, it's the first snow of the year."
Gu Wanlin loves winter and snow, and so do I. Eight years ago, on an autumn night, I confessed my feelings to her, but we didn't immediately enter into a romantic relationship. She said, "Qingyi, I also have feelings for you, but we don't seem to know each other well enough." At the time, I had no idea what her concerns were, and said, "What's wrong with that? We'll just continue to get to know each other better."
This understanding lasted from autumn to winter. Our conversations, which started from morning till night, became increasingly lively. I could feel that her attitude towards me was becoming more and more intimate. However, I was still unsure of her thoughts and wondered if I had reached her standard of "knowing enough".
She was so gentle with me that I smiled broadly even in broad daylight. But when I saw her being kind and gentle to everyone else, I felt a pang of sadness and tears welled up in my eyes. I began to doubt whether I was the most special person to her.
When the first snowflake fell that winter, I took a picture and sent it to her, saying, "Gu Wanlin, look, it's snowing outside."
She replied, "I saw it."
I decided to launch another all-out attack, and sent it out with my eyes closed: "Have you ever heard this saying? The first person to tell you it's snowing must love you very much."
What is Gu Wanlin saying? Who throws out a joke and then catches it themselves?
She's smart; she knew what I wanted to say. That night, she had a long, serious talk with me. She said, "Qingyi, thank you for saying you like me. I'm really happy. Your affirmation means a lot to me. I like you too. You've put so much effort into me these past few months. It's not fair to you to keep dragging this on. But before you make a decision, I want you to know that everyone has many facets. I might not be as good as you see or imagine. If we're together, we might encounter many difficulties."
I was ecstatic when she said she liked me too. My heart was brimming with the youthful optimism, recklessness, and fearlessness that comes with being young. "No matter what difficulties we face, it's always better to face them together than alone. Let's give it a try."
She said okay.
That night, I secretly changed a username that was only visible to myself to "Gu Wanlin's girlfriend".
I am hers, finally.
I went to sit down by her bedside and reached out to smooth the hair that was pressing down on her neck. "Don't you want to sleep a little longer? Does it still hurt?"
Her eyes were as calm as a deep pool, and a faint smile lingered on her lips. "I'm not going to sleep. It's okay."
I sighed, "Gu Wanlin, you don't look like you're alright at all. You don't have to always hold back in front of me."
“Okay, it still hurts a little bit, but it’s bearable.” She winked at me. “I don’t want to lie down anymore. I hate lying down all the time.”
I helped her raise the headboard. "Then get up and sit for a while."
With a buzzing electric motor, the bedsheets were slowly lifted, and her gaze followed, falling to her lower body hidden under the covers. She was instantly filled with despair and helplessness. She reached out to grab the covers to hide the empty space where her right leg had suddenly collapsed, but her paralyzed fingers just curled up and weakly rubbed against the covers, causing her body to fall sideways to her right front side.
I quickly caught her and let her lean on my shoulder.
Since winter began, Gu Wanlin's house has always had its heating on high. I was only wearing a thin turtleneck undershirt, and I could easily feel warm liquid dripping onto my shoulders, soaking them.
"Don't look."
She assumed I hadn't seen it, and of course I wasn't going to tell her. I assured her, "Okay. I won't see it."
Her voice choked with emotion, "Don't look. I don't want you to see this. I don't want you to see it."
"Please. Don't look." She was trembling all over, her breathing became rapid and disordered, and she didn't seem to realize what she was saying. She just frantically asked me to promise not to look at the parts of her body that were missing.
I assured him again, "Okay, Gu Wanlin. You don't need to beg me. If you don't want me to see it, I absolutely won't. Can I close my eyes from now on?"
She stopped speaking, her breathing gradually calmed down, but her right hand was still nervously rubbing the blanket covering the stump.
I held her in my arms, gently patting her back with my left hand, and reached out with my right hand to remove her hand from the blanket, placing it aside and holding it tightly. "Don't worry, I won't look."
Drop by drop, I felt the damp, warm spot on my shoulder spreading further. "Are you patting my back?" she asked me.
She can't feel it.
I paused, hugged her tightly, gently stroked the back of her head and neck with her soft, black hair, gritted my teeth, and let the tears I had been holding back for so long slide down my burning eyes and drip onto her back.
She still couldn't feel it.
I gave an irrelevant answer: "I was touching your head."
After a long while, she asked me to put her back; there was no trace of crying on her face.
She sat leaning against the headboard. I asked her, "You haven't eaten all day, are you hungry? I cooked some porridge while you were waiting for you to wake up, it's still simmering."
She shook her head. "I didn't even brush my teeth."
"No, Gu Wanlin, this is the first time I've cooked this porridge. You can't refuse to do me this favor."
I was lying to her. I practiced at home.
I got up and went to the master bedroom's bathroom to find her toothbrush, toothpaste cup, and small basin for washing up. She uses this when she can't get out of bed; Sister Zhou told me about it before she left. I handed her the electric toothbrush with toothpaste on it, and held the small basin under her chin.
She reluctantly accepted the toothbrush, holding the handle with both hands and brushing her teeth with a swaying head. She always became incredibly docile when she was sick; even when she leaned forward to drink her porridge from my hand, she was adorable, opening her mouth as soon as the spoon was brought to her lips. Looking at her, I couldn't help but let a few erotic thoughts creep into my mind. Forgive me.
"You've certainly improved a lot." She sighed with satisfaction, giving me high praise.
I know she likes it. This was our favorite late-night snack six years ago when we lived together in that seaside city. The shop was right downstairs from our place. I would have dinner at my internship company and then work a little overtime before coming home. Sometimes she would tell me to save some room. She would pick me up from the station, and we would walk home hand in hand in the cool summer night breeze, always ending up at this shop.
When it was completely dark, Sister Zhang came over.
Gu Wanlin said she was really tired from lying down and wanted to move around and take a shower. I handed her over to Sister Zhang and packed my things to leave. She asked Sister Zhang to find me an umbrella and reminded me that it was windy, snowy, and slippery outside, so I should take a taxi home as soon as possible and share my itinerary with her once I got in the car.
I obediently agreed, and added, "Tomorrow is the weekend. If the snow stops and the weather is nice, I'll come and take you out to see the snow. But you need to get a good rest tonight."
Her eyes were sparkling.
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