Does she really love me too?
An awkward silence fell between us.
I hesitated before speaking, "Gu Wanlin, to be honest, sometimes I really struggle with how to strike the right balance. I'm afraid of neglecting something and causing you to suffer, but I'm also afraid of being too concerned. But no matter what, I will never think you're useless or a downer. If I'm being too concerned and have gone too far, causing you to feel that way, I apologize, but that's not what I meant."
Gu Wanlin turned her face away, avoiding my gaze. Her hands, resting on her lap, trembled slightly, and her voice trembled as she spoke.
"Aqing, don't apologize to me. This isn't your problem, it's mine. I was feeling a little dizzy just now, and I couldn't even wash my hands by myself. I was just being stubborn with myself. I felt useless and like I was a disappointment, not because of anything you did. I know you care about me and are worried about me. I shouldn't have said those hurtful things to you. If anyone should apologize, it's me who should apologize to you."
Gu Wanlin.
The more she said that, the more my heart ached. What had she done wrong? The accident wasn't even her fault; she just happened to be driving on that highway one rainy night, and then her life changed drastically. Disability and illness tormented her body and will every minute, eroding her self-esteem and pride. Why should she apologize? Fate has been so cruel to her, yet has it ever apologized to her?
I don't know what to say. I even feel like the air between us is being slowly sucked away, making it hard to breathe.
Her phone lit up; it was a message from Sister Zhang saying that she had arrived.
Gu Wanlin's shoulders trembled, as if he had suddenly woken up. He placed his hands on the wheelchair rims and said, "Could you please explain to my friends that I have other things to do?"
As soon as she reached out to move the wheelchair, her back immediately slumped, and to maintain her balance, her head and neck unconsciously jutted forward.
Many images of the tall and graceful Gu Wanlin from the past flashed before my eyes: the way she ran towards me with a smile and hugged me after our brief separation; the way she stood downstairs in the dormitory, holding the flowers she bought for me and playfully scolding me for coming downstairs too late; the way she took the wet wipes I handed her to wipe her sweat as she returned from the gym, her face still flushed with a healthy blush.
She has always been very conscious of her posture, and even when she was extremely tired and leaned on me, her back was still straight. She would never have allowed herself to do that before, but her body no longer listens to her.
I suppressed my heartache and took over pushing her wheelchair. "If you're tired, take a rest. Just sit still, I'll take you there."
After Gu Wanlin got into the car, I was still worried. I spoke to Sister Zhang outside the car door, saying that Gu Wanlin looked pale and said she was dizzy. I told her to take her blood pressure as soon as she got home. Her forehead felt hot, so I should check if the wound on her leg was infected. I told her to let her sleep if she wanted to, but she hadn't eaten anything since she woke up this morning, so I should at least give her something easily digestible before she went to sleep.
Gu Wanlin listened from inside, then weakly smiled at me, "I'm really fine. I just want to go home and rest for a bit. I'll be fine after lying down for a while. You should go upstairs; there are still many people waiting for you."
I felt she was deliberately distancing herself from me. Why? Did something happen while I was in the kitchen? I couldn't help but feel regretful. Had I acted too hastily? I shouldn't have assumed that Gu Wanlin would get along with my friends, dragged her to such a crowded social setting, left her to fend for herself with strangers, and then run away.
When I returned to Xia's house, I dazedly finished cooking in the kitchen and then ate with everyone. My mind was no longer on the gathering. Gu Wanlin was thoughtful; she didn't want everyone to notice her departure, but she made sure to say goodbye to Xia, thanking her for the invitation, saying it was nice to meet everyone, and explaining that she had some things to do and had to leave first.
When I got back, Xia saw that I looked pale and lost, so she pulled me aside and asked, "When Teacher Gu left, she didn't look well. Is she alright?"
I shook my head and said it was nothing. She wasn't in good health to begin with, and it's common for her to feel unwell after being out for a long time. She'd be fine after resting at home. Thank you for taking care of her all this time.
Xia said it was nothing. It was the first time we had met Teacher Gu, so of course it was my responsibility to keep her company and introduce her to everyone.
As she spoke, Xia nudged me with her elbow, "Tell me, I've been wanting to ask you this since last time I delivered the vegetables: what's your relationship with Teacher Gu? And why are you living with her?"
I sighed helplessly, "What else could it be but that I'm interested in her?"
Xia exclaimed, "Damn it! You've been so quiet these past few months, so you were secretly doing something big, huh? You even chased him all the way to his house! You've been single for so long, how come Teacher Gu suddenly pops up?" Then she seemed to suddenly remember something, "Tsk, so what did you think when you saw Qiao Qi and Teacher Gu chatting together just now?"
Everyone knows about my relationship with Qiao Qi. Actually, there's nothing between us, and we've always been very open and honest about it.
I was just about to ask you, "You know that Qiao Qi suggested ending the date because she felt I still had feelings for someone else, right? Look, you saw it, that other person came today and sat next to Qiao Qi chatting with her. I was also about to ask you, I don't think it's that serious, but what did Qiao Qi and Gu Wanlin talk about? Did you think there was anything special about it?"
Xia's eyes widened, and she stammered, "So, so Teacher Gu is your ex, right? You're really thick-skinned! Do they even know who each other is? And you just brought them together." She scratched her head again, "Nothing special. They didn't even talk about you. When Qiao Qi came, I introduced her as a friend you brought. Teacher Gu didn't say much, just that she knew you from university, and that she hadn't been back in China long. You two only recently reconnected, and then Qiao Qi only talked to her about that drama, and then you came over."
Xia thought for a moment, then said, "So you've been missing for the past six months because of Teacher Gu, right?"
I said helplessly, "It's a long story. You saw her not long after the car accident. She was so badly injured and still hasn't fully recovered. Then her family had some trouble too. When I met her again, her situation was much worse than it is now. How could I possibly just leave her to fend for herself?"
Xia slapped her forehead. "Do you think it might be because of this? Qiao Qi didn't say anything to Teacher Gu, but when someone came over to greet Qiao Qi, they said that the people who usually hang out with you have been trying to get you to come out for the past six months, and they don't know what you've been busy with. They joked that you came as soon as Qiao Qi came today, and that their influence is not as great as Qiao Qi's."
I was so happy I could slap my thigh – I'd finally found it! Gu Wanlin had never seen Qiao Qi again and didn't know who Qiao Qi was; that was enough to make her overthink. I wanted to fly home immediately and explain everything to Gu Wanlin.
When Sister Zhang arrived, I asked her to take Gu Wanlin's car away; at least Gu Wanlin would be more comfortable inside. After a few rounds of drinks, the party ended and everyone left. I stood downstairs at Xia's building trying to hail a taxi. My head, which had been feeling dizzy, gradually cleared up after being shivered by the cool breeze.
Did Gu Wanlin already know about my date with Qiao Qi, or did she mistakenly believe that Qiao Qi and I were having some kind of ambiguous relationship before our reunion? If it was the latter, should I explain my past with Qiao Qi to her? I felt a strange sense of guilt. I didn't intentionally want to hide it from her; before we got together, we were honest with each other about our past relationships.
But now, if I were to explain my past with Qiao Qi to her in a rambling and uninformed way, what role would I play? I realize that, no matter how much I try to deceive myself, I can no longer continue to interact with her in this ambiguous relationship.
I love her. Of course, I want to take things a step further and be with her as her lover.
Does Gu Wanlin love me? I always feel like I've received some signals. During her first rehabilitation session, despite her discomfort, she almost fainted just to stand up and hug me; the last time she got drunk, she sweetly asked me to hug her, just like when we were deeply in love; and when she went out to buy me dinner while I was working overtime, what did she say? She said she wanted to do what she could for me.
Isn't this love?
But these signals always seem to flicker and remain unclear. Leaving aside the fact that she seemed quite distant from me when she went home today, why was she so polite to me after she sobered up last time? Does she really love me, or is she just being friendly in response to my efforts for her these past few days? Or is she still unable to accept her physical condition and is testing my feelings, waiting for me to take the first step?
It felt like two little voices were arguing in my head. One advised me to hold back, saying that our breakup was a huge emotional trauma for Gu Wanlin, and that we were already in a fragile, ambiguous balance. Breaking that balance abruptly might not even be able to maintain the status quo. I should continue to spend time with her and wait for a clearer signal before revealing my feelings. The other advised me that Gu Wanlin was already showing signs of distancing herself from me. What she needed most right now wasn't the kindness of an ordinary friend, but a lover who would give her whatever she wanted. If I hesitated any longer, I would lose her again.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
It was already nine or ten o'clock at night when I got back to Gu Wanlin's house. Gu Wanlin should still be awake at this time. Sister Zhang was watching TV in the living room with the volume turned down very low.
I asked her how Gu Wanlin was, and Sister Zhang said she had checked the wound on her leg and confirmed there was nothing wrong. The medication had also been changed, and the fever wasn't due to that, but she had still given her fever reducers. When she got home in the afternoon, she went into her room alone. At dinner time, she came out and had a simple bowl of porridge, and then Sister Zhang helped her move around passively for a while.
She sounded alright, so I nodded and prepared to knock on her bedroom door to check on her.
Sister Zhang stopped me, "Hey, Xiao Shen, you'd better not go in, she's asleep."
"Asleep? So early?" I gave up and went back to my room, sprawling on the bed. Gu Wanlin was indeed tired today; maybe I was just overthinking things.
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