Life is unpredictable, so let's enjoy the present moment.
Gu Wanlin said gently, "Okay, move over there a bit, save me a spot."
I helped her into bed, then helped her lie down and turned her over so she was sleeping on her side facing me.
She reached out to hug me, but her upper body swayed and she almost rolled over. She instructed me, "Put a pillow behind me, okay?" I did as she said and helped her position herself. She breathed a sigh of relief, "Okay, now I can hold you securely."
Gu Wanlin placed his hand on my waist and patted it gently.
Thinking about the argument we had before bed, I buried my face in her arms with guilt. "Darling, I said some really hurtful things to you when I got home. I've had such a terrible day, and I had to drink so much at the dinner table. Those words weren't what I meant. Can you forgive me?"
She chuckled and flicked my nose, "You still remember even when you're this drunk, your memory is quite good."
"Don't worry, I didn't take it to heart. How could I not know you were upset today? I saw the news on the trending topics this evening. I wanted to call you but I was afraid you were busy. I sent so many messages but you didn't reply. If you don't come back soon, I'm really afraid something has happened to you. I'll have to go out and look for you."
I rested my forehead on her collarbone. "I've poured years of my heart and soul into this project, and it's turned out like this. There's discussion going on, and it probably won't sell anymore, but I just feel sorry for the author, the translator, and my colleagues who just wanted to make a good book. My colleagues in the marketing department laughed at me today, saying I don't understand new media, that without popularity and traffic, I'm nothing. Gu Wanlin, how could I not understand? But I always think that there's at least one last pure land in this world where people can seriously appreciate good books and have serious discussions about issues."
Gu Wanlin touched my head. "Aqing, I know. Given the current environment, people like you who are still holding onto their ideals are even more precious. Think about it on the bright side. Weren't the students' reactions good today? Some stubborn people are destined to be the setting sun. The world always moves forward. With people like you who persevere and bring about positive changes little by little, the future will only get better and better."
She understands me. She always knows how to comfort me.
I smelled the familiar scent of her shower gel, and my head felt heavy; I felt sleepy again. The shower gel and her usual perfume were from the same brand. She used to buy me this brand too, saying that when we were apart, smelling this scent would make me feel like she was still by my side, bringing me some comfort.
I murmured, "Gu Wanlin, I know the world will always move forward, but taking one step forward and then one step back, delaying the progress of the great era, means a dramatic change in fate for an ordinary person like me. How many more years can I afford to wait? Sometimes I can't help but regret it. If I had known that staying here for these past few years would turn out like this, I should have gone abroad after graduation to be by your side. That way, we wouldn't have been separated, right?"
I chuckled at her, emboldened by the alcohol, and said, "You said you'd take care of me back then. If I had chased after you abroad to be your pampered wife, you would have taken care of me, right?"
Gu Wanlin gently stroked my head. "I will. But you might not be happy that way. These past few days, when we've been together, I've seen you doing what you love, and the light in your eyes makes me so happy for you. Aqing, from the first day I met you, I've loved seeing you like this. You're great, you don't have to give up your dreams for me."
I wanted to stay awake and continue talking to her, but the overwhelming drowsiness, mixed with the lingering effects of the alcohol in my blood, hit me like a ton of bricks, making it hard to keep my eyes open. Instinctively, I snuggled closer to her. "Gu Wanlin, ideals and passions are important, but you're just as important in my life. Once it's gone, it's gone. You said you liked seeing me like this, but you'll never love me again, right..."
I only felt Gu Wanlin's body stiffen, and she didn't say anything more. I got sleepy waiting and fell into a deep sleep again.
When I woke up again, I didn't know how much time had passed. It felt like someone was gently brushing my face with a feather; it was a little itchy, but my eyelids were too heavy to open. My consciousness woke up before my body. It was Gu Wanlin. Gu Wanlin was gently tracing my eyebrows, across the bridge of my nose, and down to the peak of my lips with his hand.
I pretended to be asleep without making a sound.
After a while, she lowered her hand, and I felt a rustling sound beside the pillow. She had probably moved her head closer to me.
"Aqing, don't blame me. It's not that I don't love you, it's that I can't love you..."
I'm always a sound sleeper, completely undisturbed, something Gu Wanlin knows. She must have assumed I was a deep sleeper and wouldn't have heard anything. But tonight, the alcohol made me a little slept less. I silently thanked the ancestors of those who forced me to drink. If I hadn't been forced to drink so much, I probably would have missed Gu Wanlin's genuine outpouring of emotion.
"I can't be so selfish as to hold you back for my own sake."
I had assumed that her rejection meant her love for me had faded, leaving only simple gratitude and concern, and that she didn't want to repeat the same mistakes we made in our relationship. But when I heard her admit that she loved me, I couldn't hold back any longer. I opened my eyes, grabbed her hand, and said, "Gu Wanlin, tell me, what have you done to waste my time?"
Gu Wanlin awkwardly turned her gaze away. "You were pretending to be asleep to fool me, weren't you?"
I snorted. "I'm not as good at pretending to be asleep as you are. I did just wake up, and the first thing I heard was such crucial information." I sighed. "Gu Wanlin, I love you, and you love me too. So tell me, why can't we be together?"
"I don't want to hear you talk about your health anymore. Gu Wanlin, I've said it many times, I don't think your current health is an obstacle between us. I liked you the way you were before, and I still like you the way you are now. I don't mind the changes that have happened, I don't think anything is different."
She said helplessly, "Aqing, don't be willful. There are many things you may not have thought through in detail."
I was determined to prevent her from escaping again. "Then tell me what I haven't thought about in detail, and we'll deal with it one by one."
“My health is very problematic right now. It takes me two hours to get up every morning. You and I are together, and there are only 24 hours in a day. I don’t know how much of your time is taken up by me. There are many things that require your care, but I can’t do anything to help you. This kind of relationship is very unfair to you and will become a heavy burden on you.”
"Gu Wanlin, I think you're a bit pessimistic about my thoughts."
"First of all, I think you've done a great job with Fujian. You can do many things on your own, and it will only get better and better in the future. Think about how fast technology is developing now. Maybe brain-computer interface technology will be mature in less than ten years."
"Secondly, I'm assuring you now, and you might think it's just empty talk, but if you're not comfortable with that, we can continue using the caregiver. I've been living in your house for several months now, and I know what your daily care routine is like. I don't think it's a big burden. Don't try to scare me."
"Finally, our relationship isn't about carrying each other on our backs and running 800 meters every day. There aren't that many things I can do that you can't. You're just temporarily a little limited in your mobility, but you're still the same person as before. Look, the emotional comfort you gave me today is irreplaceable. You can do so much more for me than you can imagine."
Gu Wanlin even tried to give me an example, "No, if you get sick one day, I won't be able to get you to the hospital in my condition."
I patted her head. "Gu Wanlin, you're being a bit unreasonable. When you were sick, it wasn't me who carried you to the hospital; it was the ambulance that took you away. You could have just called 120 for me."
Gu Wanlin lowered his eyes. "Besides, you are also the apple of your family's eye. If you were to be with a disabled person like me, what would your parents think? They would feel sorry for you."
"Let them think what they want. They should be happy for me. I've finally reunited with the person I love most."
I hugged her tightly. "Gu Wanlin, don't talk about yourself like that. Your physical limitations are just a state we need to overcome together. They shouldn't define you. I'm 27 years old, not 7. I don't need my parents' consent or approval to date anyone. If they object because of this, it's because they're ignorant and narrow-minded. I won't go along with them. Besides, since I want to be with you, I'll handle my family's issues myself. You don't need to worry about it."
She shook her head again, "It's different."
"When you're with me, there are many things you enjoy doing that I can't do with you. At the last gathering, I heard them say that since we met last year, everyone has been inviting you to go hiking, camping, and skiing, but you haven't gone. I know you've spent that time with me and taking care of me. You don't know how guilty and remorseful I feel when I hear that. I don't want to keep you trapped by my side, forcing you to give up the things you like because of me, and depriving you of the freedom and happiness you deserve."
I finally understood the crux of the problem; I had thought she was avoiding me because of Qiao Qi.
“Your condition hasn’t been very good for the past six months. I couldn’t bear to leave you or feel at ease leaving your side, so I turned down all those activities. Actually, I didn’t like those activities that much, it’s nothing compared to liking you. But maybe my excessive attention to you, just like your parents did to you back then, has become a psychological burden for you. Gu Wanlin, I need to reflect on this.”
"But I think this is easy to resolve. Your health is gradually improving, and you can come with me to some events in the future. Even if you can't go, we weren't a couple who had to be inseparable all the time. We can discuss how to get along in the future. We can both give ourselves some time and space to do what we like. Don't worry, I won't let you feel like you're trapping me. I think we're both good at communicating, and if there are any problems, we can definitely discuss and resolve them properly."
"Ah Qing, there's more..."
Gu Wanlin seemed about to address a very difficult question, hesitatingly saying, "Aqing, even if all of the above can be resolved, there's something else you might not have considered..."
I urged her, "Is there anything else I haven't thought of?"
She pursed her lips, as if she had made a great decision before speaking, "I might... I might not live much longer in this state."
“Maybe one cold might develop into pneumonia and I’ll die, or maybe too many urinary tract infections will damage my kidneys. These are things I can’t control. There are many complications from paraplegia. My injury is high up, and I was young when I was injured. Over time, it’s impossible not to be burdened. If you stay with me, and that day really comes, how can I bear to leave you alone…”
My heart pounded with fear, the fear that one day I would lose her completely, the fear of never finding her again in this world made me desperately want to hold her tight and never let go. I couldn't help but burst into tears, "Gu Wanlin, are you deliberately trying to make me sad? If you're not with me, do you think that day will come and I won't be heartbroken for you?"
She patted me and said, "No, of course I don't want to upset you, but we can't stop thinking about it."
“Gu Wanlin, let’s put it another way. You must have already looked into it yourself. Tell me, according to medical statistics, how much will your life expectancy be affected?”
Gu Wanlin seemed surprised that I suddenly started discussing medicine with her so seriously, and paused for a moment, "The median is probably reduced by 20 years?"
I closed my eyes and steeled my resolve. "Don't you think it's more than enough? Your grandparents are still alive, right? They're all approaching 90. I think your family has great longevity genes, definitely longer than mine. My grandparents passed away from cancer a long time ago. Who knows who will outlive whom? With such good genes, you should live to at least 80. If you subtract 20 years, that's 60. You haven't even reached half that yet. Besides, this is just the median. Let's work hard. Can't we live longer than the median? You haven't even factored in the advancements in medicine."
Gu Wanlin was about to say something when I interrupted him.
“My dear, I was only 19 when I met you, just turning 18. Now I’m 27. We were together for three years and separated for five. In the blink of an eye, we’re almost middle-aged together.”
"Since I love you and you love me, why should we waste the time we should be spending loving each other? Let's try being together again, okay?"
"I want you to be happy, I want you to be happy for every second you live in this world. At this age, we all understand the impermanence of life, so let's not worry too much about the future. Let's enjoy the present, okay?"
Gu Wanlin pulled me into her arms and gently coaxed me to sleep, "You go to sleep first. Give me some time to think about it. I promise you, I won't think about it for too long."
When I woke up for the third time, it was already bright outside. I felt a warm touch on my face. I slowly opened my eyes and saw the golden morning sun generously streaming into the room. My head, still throbbing from the hangover, was still throbbing.
Gu Wanlin lay down beside me. When he saw me open my eyes, he smiled and greeted me with "Good morning, did you sleep well?"
I could tell she hadn't slept all night, and I was eager to get out of bed and draw the curtains so she could catch up on some sleep.
She grabbed my arm, "Don't go."
She leaned closer to me and placed a warm kiss on my eyes, as light as a butterfly kissing a flower stamen.
“I’ve been thinking about this until late at night. Can you help me think of something? Do you think today is our first day together, or our 1090th day? If we count the latter, in five days we’ll be celebrating our third anniversary.”
"Tell me, how should we spend this year?"
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