You taste it yourself
I agree. I'd even grant him the wish to go to heaven.
I sat on the stool like a walking corpse, my eyes blurry as I watched my mother's mouth open and close. She would say a few words to Gao Chen, then a few words to Yu Zhongjian, and then she dragged the man surnamed Yu away. Before leaving, she patted my head and said enthusiastically to Gao Chen, "My daughter Dafeng has admired soldiers since she was little. Tell her about your unit; she loves to hear it."
Gao Chen smiled wryly: "Auntie, I don't remember either."
"Hi...just chatting, just chatting." My mom pretended not to hear me, ignoring me. "Let's go, Dandan, help me carry the water tank, don't bother them."
I felt a burning gaze linger above me for a moment. Without lifting my eyelids, I silently thought, "Liu Meili, I'll take your dog's life tonight!"
I had never faced Gao Chen so awkwardly before. I didn't speak, and neither did he. I didn't look at him, and I didn't know if he was looking at me. After a long while, I stood up and said, "Don't listen to my mom's nonsense. She's old and worries unnecessarily. I was just trying to cheer her up. Let's go back and double-check the personnel. Add Lai Yunfei, a veteran."
"Okay." Gao Chen let out a soft sigh of relief, a feeling he'd heard so many times in the past few days—a sense of relief that felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. My heart felt as if it had suddenly been plunged into cold water, a little chilly.
I didn't actually go back, because it was soon time for lunch, and the canteen became bustling with people.
I ordered a layered pancake with beef and seaweed soup and ate it alone in a corner, but I couldn't taste it. Liu Meili usually sat at the same table as me, and she didn't want to be an exception today either, so she brought her food over.
"Why are you sitting here? It's so dark."
I gave her a chilling look: "Does a dead person have to be afraid of the dark?"
Liu Meili's smile froze: "What did you say?"
"You're dead. You're already a dead man in my eyes."
Liu Meili was stunned for a moment, then burst out laughing: "I thought it was something serious. Is it about Auntie trying to set you up with Gao Chen on a blind date? Let me tell you, don't blame me, I didn't say anything. Auntie just guessed it herself."
“If you’re not lying, what could my mom possibly guess? She said it herself that you told her.”
"The aunt asked me who I had my eye on, and I said I didn't know. She then went through the names one by one. When she got to Company Commander Gao, I didn't react at all. How was I supposed to know how she guessed it?"
"It would be strange if you didn't react!" I was in a bad mood and didn't even have the energy to beat her up. I lowered my head and ate my soup listlessly. "Fine, I'll let you go. Go away and don't bother me."
Liu Meili turned around and looked around in the crowd, then asked me, "What's wrong? Did your blind date fail?"
I snapped, "No blind date? What kind of blind date are you talking about? Stop talking nonsense."
Liu Meili was silent for a moment, then sneered, "Oh, Gao Chen has pretty high standards. You have a great figure and good looks, but he himself is still confused. Why would he look down on you?"
"Please, I beg you." I clasped my hands together and bowed to her. "Can we stop being so presumptuous and talking nonsense? I never said I was interested in him. I just said he was good-looking. It's all your guesswork. My mom dragged him here, and I barely managed to get away with it. Can we please not bring this up again? I don't like him, I really don't! Life is hard enough as it is, why bother finding a partner? It's so annoying!"
Liu Meili was about to speak when a voice from afar interrupted her: "Meili."
Looking up, I saw Xiao Hei coming over with a plastic bag in his hand: "I found these braised eggs at a small shop while I was sweeping the streets yesterday. There are only three, they are vacuum-packed and haven't expired yet. You can eat them."
Liu Meili glared at him and said, "Keep it for yourself, why do you keep bringing it to me?"
Xiao Hei chuckled, shoved the plastic bag into her hand, and I watched as he touched the back of her hand before walking away. He didn't glance at me once, as if I didn't exist.
Liu Meili took out a braised egg and started tearing open the packaging. She asked me, "Do you want one? Here, have one."
I was so shocked I dropped my spoon. After a long pause, I said incredulously, "Liu Meili, Zheng Yingjun! You two were actually... having an affair behind my back?"
Liu Meili turned away: "Don't talk nonsense, I haven't agreed to him yet."
"You let someone touch your hand and you still haven't agreed!" I roared, overturned my food tray, and stormed out of the cafeteria under the bewildered gazes of everyone.
Zhang Yanhuang's team was responsible for tracking the zombie horde and calculating when the danger would completely leave Huaicheng, in order to determine when they could set off for Tongcheng.
During the waiting period, I led the women's team to share some of the fieldwork. After the zombie horde passed through, Huai City was like a place ravaged by natural disaster. Although it was rare to see large groups of zombies gathered together, many scattered corpses remained in the streets and alleys, the ground was covered in filth and mud, many buildings were collapsed and damaged, and vehicle wreckage was everywhere. The six months of cleanup were wiped out in an instant, and the city roads were dirtier and more chaotic than before.
The men killed the corpses in front, while we shoveled them away behind. We burned what could be burned on the spot, and piled the bodies on either side of the road to prevent burning. At the same time, we swept up all kinds of garbage to keep the road clear.
During occasional breaks, I would look up at the sky. The sun blazed high, the sky was cloudless, and there wasn't a single bird or airplane in sight. Where was the national rescue team? Were they serious about just making a hasty flight and running off? Shouldn't they have searched more thoroughly for survivors?
As October arrived, the virus had been raging for seven months. We were isolated and helpless, struggling to survive on our own. Soldiers, doctors, and teachers all shed their pre-apocalyptic identities, tirelessly cleaning up the city, fighting zombies, and dodging hordes of corpses. Men and women alike, their skin thickened, did heavy physical labor, eating only to fill their stomachs, and going ten days or two weeks without washing their faces was commonplace. They felt joy at a heavy rain or a hard-boiled egg, as if they had found a reason and hope to live again.
I'm busy all the time, so busy that I don't have time to calm down and think. Looking back, all the busyness was self-inflicted. From the day I discovered the zombies, I've been constantly on edge, excited, and unable to stop. At one point, I even felt that the apocalypse was tailor-made for me. I called on friends, claimed territory, fought, led a group of people in reckless rampage, ordered survivors around, and being a scapegoat felt like reaching the pinnacle of life...
It's so boring. I don't know why, but I suddenly feel incredibly bored. Huai City is practically destroyed. What are we even doing here? Are we going to rebuild a new city with just over a hundred people? Don't make me sick!
My enthusiasm for being a "leader" vanished overnight. I didn't want to attend meetings, listen to reports, assign tasks, or discuss the Tongcheng plan. I didn't even want to go to Tongcheng anymore. I hoped to receive government aid and get my family of three to a large base where we could be managed, protected, and find work to eat. If the sky fell, the leaders would hold it up; if the earth perished, we would all die together.
These past two days, I've been avoiding my mom, leaving early and returning late, and giving Liu Meili the cold shoulder. I have no desire to speak, and with a cold face, I drag my feet, listlessly moving corpses and sweeping the streets. Sometimes when I return to Rongjun, I see Gao Chen and Yu Zhongjian discussing something in the reception room, but I have no interest in knowing. I go back to my dorm, collapse onto my bed, and if I'm hungry, I nibble on a couple of compressed biscuits, too lazy to even eat a proper meal.
Many people must have noticed the changes in me, but Han Bo was the first to come to me.
He knocked on the door, but I ignored him, so he pushed the door open and came in. Seeing me lying in the dark room, he went out again to get a candle and came back in: "What are you doing, half-dead?"
He pulled up a chair and sat down in front of my bed. He reached out and touched my forehead: "You don't have a fever, so why do you look so listless?"
I slapped his hand away and turned to the other side. He grabbed the chair and spun around. "Do you know how scary you look when you have a stern face? At least five people have told me today that something seems off about you and asked me what's wrong. How would I know what's wrong with you?"
I didn't say anything, and he continued, "Guess who sent me? It was your mother. She said you've been unhappy these past few days and asked me to come and talk to you."
I kicked my legs in frustration: "I'm not upset, can't I just be on my period? Can't I even lie down for a bit if I'm not feeling well?"
Are you feeling unwell physically or emotionally?
"I'm not feeling well."
"Hmph." Han Bo chuckled knowingly. "Still trying to fool me, you silly girl. I figured it out a long time ago. It's because Gao Chen is unhappy, isn't it? Your mother said..."
"What's wrong with my mom?" I panicked. "Did she say something inappropriate to someone again?"
"No," Han Bo reassured me. "Your face was all long, what else could she say? Aunt Cheng isn't naive. She just told me to take Gao Chen on a blind date, but it ended after only a few words, and then you started to get upset. She guessed that Gao Chen rejected you."
I breathed a sigh of relief. I was glad that Lao Cheng didn't cause any more trouble, otherwise I would have no face to see anyone in the future. "He didn't reject me because I told him that it was my mother who was worrying unnecessarily, and that the so-called blind date was not my intention."
"Then what?"
"Then we ended the conversation quite amicably." I said sullenly, "It has nothing to do with Gao Chen. I've been feeling really listless at work these past two days. I feel like we have no future going on like this. Even if we equip the veterans into a giant ammunition depot, what good will it do? A hundred or so people stuck here doing nothing, it's just a matter of whether they die sooner or later. We might as well disband and find our own way to survive. You come with my family, and we'll go to the capital to join a large base. It'll save us from the annoyance of looking at a dead city."
Han Bo wrinkled his nose: "Is it really that bad? A period can make you so depressed, have you started to feel like giving up on life?"
"What do you mean by being world-weary? I'm just tired and don't want to do this anymore." He didn't understand my sorrow. "And Liu Meili made me angry. Can you believe she's dating Xiao Hei? I sleep in the same room with her every day and tell her everything, but she hasn't said a word. Can you believe I'm not angry?"
"It's Liu Meili's freedom to be with whomever she wants; it's none of our business. Stop making things up and tell me the truth: have you fallen for Gao Chen?" he asked me suddenly.
"No..." Faced with Han Bo's directness, I subconsciously wanted to refute, but the sorrow that no one knows is also a sorrow. I have never been a person who can keep things in my heart. Since he asked sincerely, there is no harm in confiding in my good friend. "Tsk, I just think he looks pretty good. I don't know if I like him."
I was willing to tell the truth, and Han Bo certainly wouldn't laugh at me. He just sighed and shook his head: "I noticed something was off about you on the rooftop that day. You have this bad habit that you've never been able to shake since you were a child: you like handsome guys. What if you turn out to be another Wu Bainian?"
"Anyone can see that Gao Chen is a hundred times better than Wu Bainian, okay?"
"Okay, excellent, excellent." Han Bo laughed, shaking his shoulders. "If you like it, then you like it. So why are you sulking here all by yourself? Don't try to fool me with Liu Meili anymore."
"Well..." I struggled to find the words to describe my feelings, "I told him not to take the blind date to heart, and he seemed relieved. I guess he doesn't have feelings for me."
Han Bo, the reclusive master, revealed his true colors again: "Da Feng, don't make trouble out of nothing. Men's thinking and women's thinking are completely different. The meaning he wants to express through his words and actions may be completely different from what you understand."
"What does he mean?"
"Going in the opposite direction, you can judge for yourself."
Han Bo told me to savor it, so I spent the whole night trying to understand Gao Chen's "relief" in a completely different direction. I finally tasted something different when Liu Meili sneaked into the room, trying to climb into bed while I was asleep.
Yes, why does he seem relieved? Why can't he seem lost and bewildered? Am I too insecure, which is why I misinterpreted his opinion of our blind date? Just as Liu Meili said, I have both a great figure and good looks, how could he not like me?
Thinking about things from a different perspective really made things clear. In my excitement, I slammed my fist on the bed, almost scaring Liu Meili to her knees.
"Xiao Qi, please forgive me. I didn't mean to hide it from you. It's just that things are still very uncertain, and it would be embarrassing if it didn't work out..."
“You did nothing wrong, do you need me to forgive you? You two talk it out, talk it out properly. Liu Meili and Zheng Yingjun are such a perfect match! We will fully support your marriage!” I said happily as I sat up.
Liu Meili was terrified and instinctively tried to slide down the foot of my bed while gripping the railing.
My period came and went quickly. After a good night's sleep, I found that all my negative emotions had vanished, and my energy was back. I was clear-headed and full of vitality. I rushed to Pit 1 early in the morning and filled several buckets with water for everyone to wash up. On my way to the canteen, I nodded and greeted everyone. Even when I saw Yu Zhongjian, I wasn't embarrassed at all. I smiled and asked him how the Tongcheng plan was going.
Yu Zhongjian said: "Ten people, fifteen guns, two boxes of grenades, two vehicles, departing the day after tomorrow."
I patted him on the shoulder with high spirits: "Great! We're finally about to leave Huaicheng and embark on the road to conquering the earth."
He chuckled and tilted his head to look at me: "You seem to be in a good mood today. You should be able to ask me a question without being refused, right?"
I blinked: "A request? You're getting too polite. Tell me, I definitely won't agree to anything too unreasonable."
"I will be in charge of Operation Tongcheng."
"Hey, I thought you were going to ask the wind for a chance."
Han Bo and Zhou Yi suddenly appeared behind me, and one of their sentences instantly ruined my good mood: "What nonsense are you spouting now?"
Han Bo looked innocent: "I said, Xiao Yu, please give me a chance to be the commander, what nonsense are you talking about?" He put his arm around Yu Zhongjian's shoulder, looking like they were good buddies.
I really couldn't figure out what this person was up to—who encouraged me to get out of my emotional rut and yet showed excessive closeness to Yu Zhongjian. So I just cursed, "Neither of you looks like a good person, humph!"
"Hmph!" Zhou Yi scoffed along with me. Ever since Yu Zhongjian came back, he hadn't given him a kind look. He waved to me and said, "Dafeng, don't pay attention to those heartless people. There aren't many good people who are fair-skinned. Think about your ex-boyfriend. Don't give any pretty boys a chance, you know? Come on, let's go eat."
It's been a long time since I've experienced the power of a conversation killer; the reunion feels especially warm.
My mother's matchmaking event has finally come to an end. She carefully observes my emotions and clearly shows her indifference and rejection towards Gao Chen—when people greet her, she acts arrogantly and ignores them.
I was worried that once the misunderstanding was cleared up, she would get involved again and make things awkward, so I kept my distance from Gao Chen for the time being. I'm sorry to have made him feel wronged.
A few days later, the well-prepared action team set off for Tongcheng. Zhou Yi and Xiao Hei stayed behind to guard Rongjun, while Han Yu, Gao Zhang, Li Tonggu, and I, along with four other male team members, drove two off-road vehicles modified by Yuan Xikun out of the city from the north onto Provincial Highway 267.
The ten people were divided into two groups, with Yu Zhongjian as the commander-in-chief. I initially disagreed, believing that his criminal record still lingered and that it would be difficult for him to command respect in such a heavy responsibility. Unexpectedly, the so-called "group" consisted only of me; everyone else unanimously agreed to follow his lead. The young men seemed confident they wouldn't be led astray, so I didn't say anything more.
When assigning vehicles, he abused his power, having Gao Chen and Xiao Zhang, along with three burly men, drive one car and forcibly placing Han Bo and me in his. With Gan Mingde on my left and Li Tonggu on my right, I was practically sandwiched between them after such a long ride. I grumbled and complained the whole way, but Yu Zhongjian ignored me completely. Fortunately, the sandwiching situation improved once we got onto the provincial highway, and I no longer had time to complain; all my attention was focused on driving.
Yuan Xikun was a genius. He replaced the vehicle with high-mounted tires and added two steel spikes to the windshield. Although they slightly affected visibility, they provided excellent defense. He welded steel bars to all the windows, reinforced the hood with steel plates, and installed low-profile metal shovels on the bumpers. He also installed a rotating heavy machine gun rack on the roof. When encountering a clump of corpses that he couldn't break through, he could climb up, rotate 360 degrees, and sweep a bloody path through them.
In addition to weapons, the trunk also contained spare gasoline. Even if we didn't stop to refuel along the way, the stockpile was enough for us to drive to Tongcheng, 400 kilometers away.
As the lead vehicle, we had to confront the zombies on the provincial highway head-on. Yu Zhongjian, with a cigarette dangling from his lips and eyes squinting, skillfully steered the wheel, rarely shifting gears, maintaining a speed of around 80 kilometers per hour, and taking no evasive maneuvers except when avoiding large abandoned vehicles.
Watching the zombies flying, spinning, and leaping in front of me, their flesh and blood flying everywhere as they collapsed to the ground, I couldn't resist the urge: "Let me drive for a bit."
Yu Zhongjian slowed down: "Okay. There's a village five kilometers ahead, and we expect a lot of zombies there. Open the sunroof, and I'll go adjust the motorcycle's position."
My eyes lit up: "Can we spray and pray in areas with lots of zombies?"
"certainly."
"Then I won't drive; I'll go upstairs and get the motorcycle."
Yu Zhongjian tilted his head slightly, gave me a deep look, and said, "Fickle and fickle."
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