Who has been fair to whom?
Chen Chi let go of her hand.
Chu Sinian lost his strength, overwhelmed by the incredibly heavy words, the shattering of his long-held views on love, and the sudden, unexpected tenderness, and slid to the ground.
His fingertips were still trembling, and his eyelashes kept fluttering.
As he lowered his eyelids, he saw the man half-squat down and reach out to tenderly stroke the bite marks on his face.
Sweet dreams.
Then I heard Chen Chi stand up, open the door, and walk out of the house.
Chu Sinian tilted his head back, rested his head against the wall, and began to breathe heavily.
Many images flashed before his eyes: those of Chu Zhuang, Zhong Lin, Yu Shi, and Ning Zicheng—a bizarre and colorful spectacle that floated by like a mixture of paints.
He remembered Chu Zhuang's depravity and cruelty, Zhong Lin's heartlessness and loneliness, Xiao Yu's insatiable greed, and every ugly and greedy face.
He grew up in a powerful yet chaotic world. Genuine warmth was scarce in his life; people came and went, and only three remained.
All those mixed feelings—interests, longings, and vile emotions—washed over his life again and again.
Chu Sinian could neither be completely evil nor completely good. He was caught in the middle, caught between malice and power. Unable to let go of power and status, he could only spend each day hypocritically and self-loathingly.
His junior high school life took a sudden turn, and he experienced the coldness and warmth of human relationships so vividly that he was once tainted by baseness to the point of being unrecognizable. It was only after struggling and struggling for a long time in the long river of time that he realized what he really hated.
Now he has almost nothing left, yet he seems to have shed all burdens like a newborn child, with the only thing he can't let go of being Chen Chi.
Chu Sinian had foreseen his fate long ago when he was planning, but he never expected the unexpected to be so merciless, leaving him helpless.
The ever-changing curtain eventually froze on a scene from many years ago.
A small wooden cabin, a day filled with autumn leaves, and when he looked back, he saw a pair of cold, red eyes.
—
The final exams are going on for five days, and it's been snowing on and off for those five days, to a point where it's not going to postpone the exams but it's still difficult to walk.
The mark on Chu Sinian's face hadn't faded, so he put on a band-aid as soon as he went out. A couple of days ago, when he bumped into Kong Bo, Kong Bo asked him what happened to his face, and he could only make up an excuse that he had scratched himself.
When I finished my last exam and stepped out of the courtyard, the snow had stopped.
Chu Sinian took off his hat, shook his head, and his hair slid down.
He intended to put the hat in his pocket, but in the two seconds he hesitated, the hat was taken away by another person.
Chu Sinian was used to it, so he walked slowly with his hands in his pockets.
Do you have any plans for the holiday?
"I'll follow you."
"I know, besides following me?"
"I'll handle the work while I'm with you."
Chu Sinian couldn't help but laugh out loud, "Don't you have any ideals?"
Chen Chi replied firmly, "No."
Chu Sinian originally planned to spend his winter vacation in St. Moritz, but plans can't keep up with changes.
His current task is to make the most of this rare period of free time to study hard and strive to obtain his degree within a year. After that, he will formally join Professor Isabella's research team and travel to South America to conduct research and settle down.
After returning home, Chu Sinian tidied up the astronomical instruments in the house and stayed indoors for several days, spending his days reading or testing.
To avoid interrupting his thinking, he even drew all the curtains in the house to blur the time, thus achieving a state of complete absorption.
But Chu Sinian was only human, and such days ended in less than half a month.
When he opened the window and saw the long-lost warm winter light, he decided to visit his mother's cemetery.
He went to the dressing room and changed his clothes.
Looking at himself in the mirror, Chu Sinian examined himself carefully.
He hadn't had a haircut in a while, and it had grown quite long; the strands barely touched his eyelids and almost stung his eyes. His two eyes, which had been brimming with spring water, looked even clearer and brighter, and his skin, which had been deprived of sunlight for so long, appeared a pale, cold white.
He lifted his shirt and looked at his abdomen, where several conspicuous scars stood out like cracks in porcelain on his flawless, smooth skin.
He inexplicably recalled the porcelain piece he had thrown away two years ago because of its flaws, and pursed his lips unhappily.
Chu Sinian wondered if Chen Chi, even if he was obsessed with physical appearance, would feel the same disgust he would feel upon seeing him naked as he would upon seeing a cracked piece of porcelain.
Without thinking much, he straightened his clothes, went to the living room, took out a black umbrella, and went out of the house.
Chu Sinian pressed the elevator button, wondering whether Chen Chi would appear when he came downstairs or when he left the community.
The elevator arrived, he went in and pressed the button for the first floor, but just as the elevator doors were about to close, a hand blocked them.
Chu Sinian glanced at it and recognized the hand all too well; its knuckles were distinct, its skin firm, and its veins prominent.
Then, the elevator doors slowly opened, revealing a tall figure. He stood beside Chu Sinian, bowed his head, and asked, "Where are you going?"
Chu Sinian peeked out from under the elevator door, his expression gradually changing. "Where did you come from?"
"next door."
"The one you're talking about moving soon is my neighbor?"
Chen Chi looked at him without saying anything; it was obvious.
Chu Sinian raised his definition of his clinginess to a new level, whispering, "I don't find it troublesome at all, having to follow me around every day."
When the two came out of the building, it was snowing heavily. The car was set a bit too high, so Chu Sinian opened the window to catch the snowflakes, and a few scattered snowflakes fell into his palm.
It's icy cold.
He closed the window and placed his hand near the radiator. "Where is your mother buried?"
Chen Chi was stunned for a moment, "My mother was cremated and her ashes were scattered at sea."
Chu Sinian had never heard of Chen Chi's mother before and was somewhat surprised. "Then, how will you commemorate her?"
“My mother said that every drop of rain could be a sign that she came to see me, so there is no need to commemorate it.”
"How...did your aunt leave?"
“My mother was an optimistic person by nature. She couldn’t bear the thought of euthanasia after contracting sepsis.”
Chu Sinian pursed his lips and lowered his hand from the heater vent. "When?"
Fifth grade of elementary school.
That seems to be the year they first met.
What did he do back then?
Chu Sinian began to clench his palms and turn his head to look out the window.
Chen Chi said calmly, "My memories of my mother are from a long time ago. I can hardly remember what she looks like anymore. You don't need to be sad for me."
"I don't."
"Then let go."
Chu Sinian slowly spread his five fingers, lowered his eyes to stare at the fingerprints, and said belatedly, "I'm sorry."
The car kept moving forward, through the steel jungle, across the wide avenue, breaking through the cold silence and slicing through the snow, arriving at a place long unseen.
Chen Chi unbuckled his seatbelt first, turned to look at Chu Sinian and said, "The rights and wrongs between us are already hard to explain. You wronged me, and how could I have done right by you?"
Chen Chi had endured his wicked temperament, despicable methods, vicious abuse, terrible sincerity, and cold demeanor.
And what about Chu Sinian?
Chu Sinian endured his harsh words, insidious jealousy, morbid violence, despicable entanglement, and absolute control.
Chu Sinian was a bird that thought it was free, but in reality, it was already in his grasp.
If Chu Sinian really wanted to leave, Chen Chi would really eat him up.
Chu Sinian had no idea how cunning he was. Until a few days ago, he was still using despicable means to force Chu Sinian to stay by his side.
sorry.
Who is truly fair to whom?
That day, when Chu Sinian said he was going to South America, Chen Chi was furious and almost cried from heartache. Chu Sinian was always leaving, always leaving him with his back turned, always making decisions dictatorially, and he was always resolute towards Chen Chi.
He wanted to say that it was clearly you who provoked me in the first place, and it was clearly Chu Sinian who made Chen Chi dependent on him and then ignored him, and made Chen Chi fall in love with Chu Sinian and then linger with other people.
Chen Chi was suffering terribly. He felt he was suffering terribly. No matter how he weighed the options, he couldn't let go of Chu Sinian. He was practically Chen Chi's flesh and blood, Chen Chi's rib.
Chen Chi gave a gloomy smirk as he heard Chu Sinian speak.
"But I've always felt sorry for you. I caused you to get sick and suffer such cruel torment."
Chu Sinian couldn't help but clench his fingers. He was never a hesitant, indecisive, or sentimental person; he just couldn't get over it, no matter what he did.
"Then I'll spend my whole life paying for it."
Chen Chi stared at him and said, "I'll trade my whole life for peace of mind."
Look, even now he is still deceiving and manipulating him.
Chu Sinian opened his lips, as if to say something, but then closed them again.
Chen Chi said, "Go visit your mother. I'll wait for you here."
Chu Sinian obediently got out of the car, holding the black umbrella that Chen Chi had given him.
The snow was falling heavily, and the cold wind kept penetrating Chu Sinian's heart. He felt cold, shrank his body, and looked back.
Chen Chi, who was always staring at him, was not looking at him at this moment.
Chen Chi, who was alone from beginning to end, silently gazed ahead at a dim sun obscured by clouds.
The sun was stingy with its rays, refusing to open its arms, so the faint light fell on Chen Chi's nose, avoiding his dull, cold, and indifferent eyes.
Chu Sinian turned around and walked forward, turning several corners to reach his mother's grave.
On the cold, snow-covered tombstone, there is an old, yellowed photograph. The woman in the photograph is in the prime of her life, with a hint of arrogance in her eyes and brows.
Her beautiful yet aloof face resembled the young man kneeling before the tomb, only now her former pride was gone, replaced by a smooth, polished stone, polished by the constant pounding of the river, bearing the calm of someone who had weathered countless storms.
Chu Sinian brushed away the frost and snow from the photo and said softly, "Mom, are you happy now? Did you see what I did... Let's not talk about it anymore."
"Mom, are you still in this world? I miss you sometimes. Every time I see the stars twinkling, I wonder if you are watching me. But according to the cycle of reincarnation, you should have already gone to the next world."
"I still hope you're here. I want to have one more person in my life who cares about me. Am I being greedy, wanting so much?"
"Mom," the young man rubbed his reddened eyes, "there's someone who seems to love me very much."
"I don't understand. Even when I was a child, no one ever cared about me like this or put me first in everything. It's like I've been soaked in warm water and softened up, and then cracked."
"Is this how Mom loves me?"
“I’m actually starting to waver on the idea of going to South America. The day we argued, he was about to cry again. He looked so wronged and pitiful. I feel like I’ve become the person I hate the most.”
Snowflakes fell on his face. The young man looked up at the sky, and tears seeped through the thick clouds, drifting down with the snowflakes. "Mom, I've fallen in love with someone."
"But I'm so scared."
Am I doing the right thing?
Chu Sinian's hair and eyelashes had turned completely white as he devoutly asked the heavens with tears streaming down his face.
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