Chapter 43 Farewell
This child is different from Jiang Yunyi. He came quietly.
Hang Liumei was working on the "Amitābha Sūtra Transformation" on the south wall of Cave 112. One of the most iconic images of the Tang Dynasty mural, and indeed of the entire Mogao Grottoes murals, is the bouncing pipa. The dancer holds the pipa high at the back of her neck, one hand pressing upwards on the strings while the other reaches behind her to pluck them. The dancer's ribbons match her crown, and her expression is calm and graceful, conveying the rhythm of the music through lines.
The imitation of the "Rebounding Pipa" could not be wrong. Hang Liumei spent several days and nights pondering the central figure and the two rows of musicians playing different instruments. She wanted to complete a perfect work.
That day, Hang Liumei was lost in thought again, staring at her reflection in the window. Lao Jiang came back from collecting his clothes to tease her, "You're still obsessed. Don't stay up any longer today. Your body won't be able to handle it, and I'll be jealous too. Look at my wife. She misses Fei Tian more than she misses me."
Hang Liumei came back to her senses and asked him, "Feitian Feitian, you seem to be using it so easily now. Can you tell me what Feitian is?"
"One is called Gandharva, the other is called Kinnara. One beats the gong, the other beats the drum." Lao Jiang said half seriously and half jokingly.
"That's totally unrelated!" Hang Liumei corrected him. "You're right about both names, but one is the God of Music and the other is the God of Song."
Old Jiang jumped sideways onto the kang and added, "They're both from the Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils, one for the Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils, the other for the Semi-Devils."
Hang Liumei stood up and pretended to be angry: "You seem quite serious at first, and then you start talking nonsense. I won't talk to you anymore."
"Where are you going so late?"
"stomachache."
Hang Liumei thought she had diarrhea, so she went out for a walk and found nothing wrong. On the way back, she felt inexplicably thirsty, so she went to the water tank to scoop some water and boil it to drink.
A half moon falls on the water. Everyone says that mirror-like flowers and water-like moons are not good, but mirror-like flowers and water-like moons are really beautiful. The moon in the sky is so far away, and the moon in the water is so close. Although it will break if touched, it will recover after shaking.
Hang Liumei suddenly had the idea to imitate the movement of playing the pipa on the water surface. However, her movements always lacked some beauty, so it was no wonder that she couldn't draw it right.
Hang Liumei, reminiscing about the scene, bent her arm back with all her might. Suddenly, a sharp pain shot up her arm and into her stomach. She lowered her hand, feeling something strange. A gust of wind chilled her whole body. Looking down, she saw a pool of blood staining her clothes.
Hang Liumei returned to the room holding her stomach. Lao Jiang was so scared that he jumped off the bed, supported her and asked what was wrong.
"Your period is coming, right? I don't know why it's so severe this month, probably from all the late nights these past few months."
That night, Hang Liumei endured the pain and fell asleep, but was woken up by Lao Jiang in a daze in the middle of the night.
"Xiaomei, Xiaomei! Can you still hear me? Wake up!"
"What's wrong?" Hang Liumei opened her eyes and felt as if half of her body was in an ice cave. The sounds in her ears were sometimes far away and sometimes close. She wanted to speak, but she was tired before she could open her mouth. Lao Jiang grabbed her shoulder with one hand, the other hand was covered in blood: "What's wrong with you? You've never been like this before! Get up! I'll take you to the hospital!"
Hang Liumei was startled. Half the mattress beneath her was covered in blood. She felt completely limp. She wrapped herself in clothes and was carried into the car by Lao Jiang. It was almost dawn when they arrived at the hospital.
"Why weren't you more careful when you were pregnant? Your physical condition is too weak, and you miscarried the baby. After another checkup, if the pregnancy substances are completely expelled, you can go home and recuperate. You must also take care of your body after you go back. Not only should you nourish yourself, but most importantly, you should get enough rest."
The doctor's last few words were addressed to Lao Jiang. Hang Liumei's expression made her unable to bear to say any harsh words.
Back in the little room near the Mogao Grottoes, Hang Liumei lay down on the kang to rest. When she woke, Lao Jiang had already left for work. Breakfast had been left for her on the table, covered in a bowl. Hang Liumei threw back the covers, got out of bed, and tore off the outermost layer of steamed bun, chewing it. Suddenly, she noticed that Lao Jiang had put away the mirror on the desk.
She opened the drawer and took out the mirror. Inside was a haggard woman with a dark yellow face and dry lips. Hang Liumei didn't take it seriously. She propped the mirror in front of her and took a sip of porridge from the bowl.
Will her colleagues think she is very delicate? Pregnancy, childbirth, and even miscarriage and difficult labor seem to be common things for women. When Hang Liumei just came back from the hospital, some older colleagues asked her what happened. When they heard that it was a miscarriage, they comforted her and said that it was not a big problem. You two are still young and you can have children if you want. Or, I have miscarried before, and the baby was even older than yours.
It seemed like she was the only one who felt this was a huge blow and pain. But when she thought about it, it wasn't anything she couldn't get over. It was just that her fate with this child was too shallow. Hang Liumei figured it out yesterday and stopped crying. If others could do it, so could she.
Before going to bed, she asked Lao Jiang to wake her up in the morning so that she could go to work as usual, but Lao Jiang just turned a deaf ear to her.
Her stomach ached like a weight weighing on it. Hang Liumei ate a handful of pickled vegetables and took a big bite of her steamed bun. "What's the problem with the pain? I've been through the pain of childbirth. I'll just eat and drink, and it'll get better."
After dinner, Hang Liumei headed to the grottoes to continue painting "Rebounding Pipa." Halfway through, she broke out in a cold sweat and felt dizzy. She stood there with her hands on her knees, resting and waiting for the dizziness to pass. Teacher Gong, who was passing by, saw her and jogged over, holding her arm and urging her to go back and rest.
"You've only been back for two days. Painting is a physically demanding job. You're trying to be strong for a while, but what if you end up completely broken down later? Besides, you can't be exposed to the wind right now. A miscarriage is like a period of confinement, so you have to treat it like confinement. Listen to me and come back with me."
Teacher Gong put Hang Liumei back to bed, then returned a moment later with a bowl of something fragrant. Red soup spilled onto her hands as she walked. "It's so hot," she said, quickening her pace to Hang Liumei's side. As soon as she placed the bowl under her eyes, she pinched her earlobe to cool it down.
It was brown sugar soup with red dates, ginger, and a poached egg. The whole room was filled with the sweet aroma of brown sugar. Seeing Hang Liumei unmoving, Teacher Gong picked up a spoon and gently stirred the bowl, explaining to her, "Girls in our hometown are very particular about eating this brown sugar stewed egg, especially mothers. I made it for Yuyu after she had her first period, and she's never forgotten it. You should try it too."
"Thank you, Teacher Gong," Hang Liumei whispered, then picked up the bowl, scooped a spoonful along the edge and put it into her mouth. "It's really sweet, but Teacher Gong, I'm really fine. I've given birth before, and I know that the first three months are unstable."
After listening to her, Teacher Gong comforted her distressedly: "You are a mother. This is your own flesh and blood. How can you not feel uncomfortable after going through such a thing? I am also a woman. Don't be stubborn with me. You have to learn to take care of yourself."
Seeing Hang Liumei's expression instantly dejected, Teacher Gong continued, "Your eldest child has been sent away for care for a while, right? It's a mother's biggest worry when her child isn't around. Your most important thing now is to recover. Once you're well, you can bring the child back. It's always different to have a child around you."
Teacher Gong left, and her words awakened Hang Liumei.
In the evening, Lao Jiang came back and found out that she had run away by herself during the day. He started to get angry with her. Hang Liumei sat up and leaned against the head of the kang to chat with him.
"I've been feeling uneasy lately, as if something was about to happen. After the miscarriage, I thought I'd finally let go of the worry, but I still feel like something's not right. Can you guess what I'm thinking?"
Lao Jiang sat on the edge of the kang, just turned his back to her and ignored her.
Hang Liumei continued without giving any thought, "It's still about the son. The old people say that having children depends on whether they have siblings. Do you think that since the older one is not here, the younger one feels that coming is meaningless, so he didn't come?"
Lao Jiang still said nothing.
Hang Liumei reached out her hand from under the quilt and poked his back: "What's wrong? Have you made up your mind to ignore me for the rest of your life? Fine, then I'll wait for you to quietly go to the train station after work tomorrow, and I'll go back to Henan to pick up my son!"
"You!" Lao Jiang turned around abruptly, frowning at Hang Liumei. "I owed you this in my past life! I'm clearly mad at you right now, and you're adding fuel to the fire like nothing happened. You're still going to Henan! You, you, you're so capable, why don't you go to the Soviet Union?! Why don't you go to the moon?!"
After saying that, Lao Jiang couldn't bear to continue being angry with her and stuffed her hand back into the quilt. Hang Liumei leaned on Lao Jiang's shoulder and said, "Really, I still feel uneasy. Aren't we going to have two days off next month? Why don't you take two more days and bring your son back?"
"It's not impossible. But now that I've taken a leave, Mid-Autumn Festival is coming soon. What should I do when I go back to your home?" Lao Jiang held Hang Liumei's hands in his arms to keep her warm.
After they got married, they agreed to go back to Shaanxi during the Mid-Autumn Festival and to Henan during the Spring Festival. Speaking of going home, Hang Liumei suddenly realized that she seemed to have received fewer letters from home recently.
At the beginning of the year, her grandmother fell ill, and she and Lao Jiang rushed back to see her. The doctor said it was cholecystitis. The old woman was old, and the treatment had been delayed for too long, so there were some complications. The grandmother in the hospital bed looked really pitiful. She was aging at an incredible speed. No matter how she emphasized to Hang Liumei that it was just a minor illness, Hang Liumei could only see that this illness had seriously hurt her.
After getting married, Hang Liumei finally understood what her grandmother meant by “the less we see each other, the less we see each other.”
As far back as she could remember, her grandmother had always been a capable little old lady. She was illiterate, yet she managed to travel all the way from her rural hometown to Xi'an to help raise the two sisters, Liuzhu and Liumei. As a child, Hang Liumei believed that everyone was like her, and that the essential members of a family were father, mother, grandmother, and sister—no one could be missing.
She also assumed that her grandmother would always look the same, with neat short hair, loose clothes without creases, and a pair of small feet that walked unsteadily but quickly. After reading "Water Margin", her sister nicknamed her grandmother "The Speedy Old Guardian".
Grandma was a hardy woman, growing vegetables and flowers, raising pigs and chickens. As soon as she left the stove, she'd be back to work in the fields. She had never been to school, but she knew many stories. At night, she'd bathe each of them in a basin, then tuck them into bed. After they were asleep, she'd tell them folk tales passed down orally in the countryside. The two little sisters insisted on absolute fairness and slept next to Grandma. So one of them lay on either side of Grandma, and they had to lie flat. If Grandma turned over to face one of them, the other would be unhappy.
My grandmother was incredibly kind, treating anyone she approved of with unwavering kindness. But she was completely hostile to those she disapproved of, and she was unfailingly hostile. Everyone in the neighborhood knew her; she'd delivered meals to neglected children, reconciled quarreling couples, and even helped even older women with their needlework. She was never idle, ever.
My grandmother is very strong-willed and stubborn, and in this respect, Hang Liumei is most like her. Everyone in the family says that they inherited these traits from the previous generation.
Liu Zhu and Liu Mei have grown up, but they haven't yet accepted that their grandmother is getting old. Even if they can't find their parents, they can always find their grandmother as long as they go home. With their grandmother around, they always have peace of mind.
After the two sisters started working and had their own families, they couldn't help but shed tears every time they went home. Hang Liumei always promised in her heart that she would come back earlier next time, stay at home for a few more days next time, and next time...
But once she left home, she was no longer the pampered youngest daughter; her work and children awaited her. She split herself into two parts, not wanting to disappoint either, but ultimately, she failed them all. As a child, I didn't understand why adults were always saying they were busy. As I grew older, I realized that being busy wasn't the hardest part; the hardest part was feeling helpless.
At that time, my grandmother was lying on the hospital bed, urging them to return to Dunhuang. I'm fine, don't delay your work, I'll be fine when you come back during the Mid-Autumn Festival, let's go.
When it was time to say goodbye, grandma was reluctant to leave. She held Hang Liumei with her skinny hands, tears in her eyes, and said, "Go, go. Remember to come back often. Your parents are looking forward to seeing you off. I can't see you off this time. I'll wait for you at home."
Later, Mom sent several letters, each one saying Grandma hadn't fully recovered. Then, Hang Liumei had a miscarriage. Feeling guilty and afraid her family would know what had happened, she avoided contacting them. Only then did she realize their letters had been unusually infrequent. So, Hang Liumei asked Lao Jiang to find the letters from home over the past few months. Sure enough, they used to receive one letter a month, but now they only receive one every two months. This month's letter hasn't come yet, even at the end of the month.
Hang Liumei was a little panicked. That evening, she wrote a letter and asked Lao Jiang to mail it the next day. After some thought, she decided to keep the miscarriage a secret. Several days passed before she received a reply saying that everything was normal at home and that her grandmother was taking her medicine and seeing her doctor. She told them not to worry and looked forward to a Mid-Autumn Festival reunion.
Soon it was time for Lao Jiang to pick up his son. He insisted that Hang Liumei not make the arduous journey with him. Hang Liumei packed his luggage and told him to stop by Xi'an on his way back home to check on the situation. It was still some time before the Mid-Autumn Festival, so a quick visit would put his mind at ease.
Lao Jiang came back with his son. Hang Liumei thought it would be a happy night, but the child kept crying for his grandparents. The two of them coaxed him for a long time, and only after he fell asleep could they sit together and have a good dinner.
"With him being so naughty, you must be exhausted carrying him all the way here, right?" Hang Liumei handed the bowl of rice to Lao Jiang. "It's better to bring him back. We can keep him for a few days and then get married. Do you want to have a couple of drinks?"
I don’t want to drink anymore, Lao Jiang shook his head and just focused on eating.
Hang Liumei asked him how his family in Xi'an was doing, and he just said everything was fine. Hang Liumei asked him something further, but he was distracted and didn't listen.
"What's wrong? Are you tired?" Hang Liumei put down her chopsticks and grabbed her husband's wrist. "Thank you for your hard work. Fortunately, I have you, otherwise I would have to worry about home all the time. By the way, grandma must be very surprised when you suddenly go back with your son. God, our family has four generations living under the same roof, and they haven't met each other many times..."
Before Hang Liumei could finish, Lao Jiang suddenly put down his bowl and chopsticks, covered his face with his hands and sobbed, tears dripping from his fingers onto the wooden table. Lao Jiang tried to calm down, raised his head and looked at Hang Liumei, his eyes filled with extreme sadness and guilt. A surge of fear immediately overwhelmed Hang Liumei, she didn't dare to speak, nor did she dare to listen to what Lao Jiang was going to say.
"Xiaomei, this is really difficult. They didn't let me tell you, but I think you must know," Lao Jiang's choked voice entered her ears, "You didn't tell your family about your miscarriage because you were afraid they would worry. In fact, they also... Grandma's condition was very bad. When we went back, she could hardly recognize anyone. Mom and Dad were afraid that you would worry, so they didn't dare to tell you, but I'm afraid it will be a regret in the future..."
Hang Liumei felt like someone was strangling her throat. She almost couldn't sleep that night. The next day, she informed her sister, arranged everything, and rushed back to Xi'an with Lao Jiang and the child.
When I got home, I found out that my grandmother had just started to get better, so she forced herself to make lunch - she was worried that her daughter and son-in-law would not have a ready-made meal when they got home. As a result, she fell beside the stove. My parents only found my grandmother when they got home from get off work. They sent her to the hospital, but she was already paralyzed when she was rescued.
Later, his condition became worse and worse. Sometimes he was very lucid and could talk about his granddaughters' childhood, but sometimes he could not recognize anyone.
Seeing their daughter and son-in-law return, Mom and Dad weren't surprised. "You're back?" "That's good. I was going to ask you all to come back anyway." They went from a family of four to seven, and then nine after Liu Zhu and Liu Mei had a child. Finally, they were reunited because of Grandma, but unfortunately, she didn't know about it.
That night, it was Hang Liumei's turn to stay with her grandmother. She recalled what everyone had said during the daytime gathering: that her grandmother might not make it to the Mid-Autumn Festival. She also remembered that the night before she left home, they had slept in this bed together, and her grandmother, afraid she would leave quietly, got up in the middle of the night and waited for her in the dining room.
Hang Liumei burst into tears and couldn't help sniffing.
"Xiaomei." Grandma turned around and called her.
Hang Liumei immediately stood up and leaned close to her ear, saying gently, "I'm here, mother-in-law. Tell me, what do you want?"
"When are you leaving for Dunhuang?"
"Don't worry, mother-in-law, I will accompany you well this time."
"Not leaving? Then tell the school you're leaving."
It turned out that grandma had mixed it up again. Hang Liumei held back her tears and replied, "I told the school I won't go."
"Yeah, why go so far away?"
After saying that, grandma fell asleep, but Hang Liumei still couldn't sleep.
After sleeping for a while, grandma suddenly struggled to grab Hang Liumei's arm and said, "There are people outside, someone came in, they are looking at me, someone is coming to take me away..." Hang Liumei was horrified by what she said, and she didn't know when she fell asleep in fright.
When Hang Liumei woke up, it was still dark. She reached for her grandmother's hand. She was still there. She was gone.
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