0086 Star-Snatching (4)
I still can't recall those two years, just as I can't openly tell Qi Le the story of myself, Lingling, and Xingxing.
I developed this habit after my mother and brother passed away. I'm used to hiding all the beautiful memories from the past. If I never had them, I wouldn't have to experience the pain of losing them.
I don't know how Lingling "deales" with those memories that belong only to us. I have looked at her beautiful face, which is still stunning even when she is fast asleep, time and time again in the middle of the night and wondered what yesterday meant to her.
To this day, I still can't figure out what was so good about me when I was so ruthlessly abandoned by my family. I even wonder if meeting her had exhausted all the luck I had in the first half of my life, or if all the misfortunes I encountered were just to meet her at this moment.
In the six months leading up to the college entrance exam, I watched Lingling sleeping soundly on my bed in J City, and was startled by a sudden thought that popped into my head.
I was surprised to find that the villa that I used to think was huge and empty could actually be filled by just one small person.
In fact, I did put my ideas into action. When I returned to Beijing for the winter that year, I brought up the topic of the college entrance examination six months later at the dinner table, and my grandfather asked me without hesitation which school I wanted to apply to.
I didn't directly tell Grandpa that I wanted to stay in J City to study, because he would definitely suspect that there was a reason why I wanted to stay in D Province. I know my family's methods all too well, so bringing up this topic was just to see what Grandpa thought.
I told my grandfather that we don't have a clear intention yet.
Grandpa was silent for a moment, then said that young people should have a direction in what they do. I will take over the family business sooner or later. Whether it's a political and legal university or a foreign affairs academy, it depends on what path I want to take.
My heart sank. Grandpa was already biased towards me. In the family, the path of the elders or peers was always decided by Grandpa. Only I was given some choice.
I no longer dared to mention my thoughts, and just nodded. It seemed that in my grandfather's eyes, it was a foregone conclusion that I would return to City B after the college entrance examination. This was something I had once been eager to do, but now I couldn't feel happy at all.
That year, a major event happened in the family that changed everything.
The Wan and Si families have always had disagreements on political matters; those who walk different paths cannot work together. I don't know why, but after returning to Beijing that year, I repeatedly heard the Si family's name at home. My grandfather even flew into a rage and left the table once during a meal after receiving a phone call.
I have been away from home for six years, so I am inevitably somewhat unfamiliar with things back home. But it is precisely because of my experiences that I have learned the whole story.
Because I rarely go home and spend most of my time away from the living room and other areas, some of the people who do housework are unaware that someone lives in my room.
I have always had trouble falling asleep at night, especially when Lingling isn't around.
I heard a strange noise in the middle of the night, and opened the door alertly. The person in front of me almost made me shout out loud, even though I'm usually calm.
My cousin, Wan Qizheng, was lying on the ground in front of the door, covered in blood. I was about to call for help when I felt him grab my trouser leg, signaling me to be quiet.
The shock I felt then still lingers to this day. I don't know where my belief and courage came from that night. I have always admired my grandfather and my father, but I helped my cousin escape to Hong Kong without even asking why.
To this day, I still can't understand why. I didn't have much contact with Wan Qizheng. He was sent to the Wan family when he was five years old and was rumored to be an illegitimate child. But perhaps it was because I felt a rare connection with the person in front of me at that moment, those eyes that shone even as they endured excruciating pain, that caused my heart to ache suddenly. I seemed to realize at that moment that, more than returning, what prevailed in my heart was the desire to escape.
The following spring, I received a letter from my cousin in Hong Kong. In it, he expressed his gratitude and told me about his lover. I was surprised to see the familiar name on the letter. It turned out that my cousin had left the family for Sister Bobo.
The letter ended with him saying he hadn't found his lover in a foreign land. Those few words made me incredibly restless, wondering how my cousin was enduring these days in Hong Kong. For the first time ever, I hugged Lingling tightly beside me, startling her. But she seemed to sense my sadness and didn't pull away, even gently comforting me with her hand.
Since my mother passed away, I have never felt so happy, yet I have also never been so afraid of losing her again.
I heard Lingling cautiously call me "Chen Yixu," and that was the first time I accepted that name completely voluntarily.
I rested my head on her shoulder and mumbled, "Mmm."
She gently patted my back again: "Don't be sad, I'll always be with you."
Perhaps it was at that moment that I made a decision.
Maybe I don't really need to go back to City B, back to my father and grandfather.
I just desperately want to get home.
A path I had never imagined was slowly unfolding before me. Perhaps taking that path would mean forever losing the help of my grandfather and father, and would mean unprecedented hardship.
But for Lingling, I am willing to go on without hesitation.
Because I think Lingling is my home.
But it seems that's life; what you seek is always out of reach, and what you fear always arrives before happiness.
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