Chapter 75: Confusion Instead of thinking about reconciling with others, it is better to be with yourself...
"It depends."
Bo Xia smiled and perfunctorily tried to leave, but someone grabbed her wrist and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. Jin Yunyan asked her where she was now. It seemed as if he wouldn't let her go unless he gave her a satisfactory answer.
She is not good at being sentimental, so she said, "Then I'll think of you more."
The result was a deeper kiss.
At this rate, something even more unpredictable might happen. She couldn't afford to lose face here, as everyone around here was familiar. She quickly admitted defeat and said, "Alright, alright. I'll miss you all night."
Originally, Jin Yunyan was just teasing her, but he saw that she was looking at him very seriously.
Bo Xia thought that she had never known that he loved to act like a spoiled child so much.
When she got out of the car, Jin Yunyan followed her and helped her push her things inside. Bo Xia reached out to take them, as if she was afraid he would go up. He saw what she was thinking and said with a smile, "Don't worry, I won't go up."
He is considerate in every way and can always see through other people's thoughts, like the considerate neighbor brother in her childhood, which inevitably makes her feel ashamed.
"Then I'll go upstairs. Be careful on your way."
Jin Yunyan hummed a sigh of relief and waited until all the voice-activated lights in the hallway had gone out before returning to the car. He knew, of course, that Bo Xia had a secret in her heart that no one else could touch, and even if he were her lover, it would be difficult to force him to do so.
Jin Yunyan is such a sensible person. Even though he loves her so much and wants to possess her, he knows clearly that everyone has forbidden areas in their hearts that cannot be stepped into.
He just needs to wait for the day when she is willing to open up to him.
Over the next few days, they continued their online romance, a short distance away. Bo Xia restrained herself somewhat, unwilling to let her family know. However, her unusual behavior inevitably attracted her family's attention, and eventually, she could no longer hide it.
The person sitting across from her at lunch asked her, "Are you planning on getting married?"
At her age, love can no longer be pure love, it seems to always be linked to marriage, family and children.
She said she didn't know.
Bo Xia couldn't imagine the scene of her own wedding. A person who has never been favored seems to subconsciously be unable to believe that they will be loved, and even if they are, they always feel that it is unreliable.
Because even a relationship as close as blood ties is hard to rely on, let alone other people. Even if she wants to change, even if she likes Jin Yunyan, there is a voice in her heart telling her that she can only trust and rely on herself.
"To be frank, how could he, a native of Beijing, marry someone from outside Beijing like you? Even if he were willing to marry you, I wouldn't approve of you marrying someone from outside Beijing. How could he come back once a year? In short, don't waste your time on him," my mother added. "You're already old enough to think about your own life. If you get any older, no one will want you. It would be embarrassing for me to leave then."
Bo Xia suddenly found the food in her hand hard to swallow. They had argued many times in the past about being urged to get married. Yes, their love always had conditions. You had to be a top student and get into a prestigious university. After graduation, you could quickly buy a house and a car on your own and return home in glory. In two years, you could get married and have children.
If this cannot be done, such a close mother-son relationship will turn into hostility overnight.
Is this family love?
Bo Xia's nose felt sore, and she tried hard to hold back her tears. At that time, she hadn't fully grasped the laws of society. In fact, most relationships between people were based on interests, even the relationship between parents and children was no exception.
They prayed for benefits from her, but she always prayed for love from them.
But such noble and pure things are so rare that if she can't get them, she can't get them. She shouldn't pray for something that she is destined not to have.
The meal was not pleasant. Bo Xia said, "It's your business if you feel embarrassed. I don't feel embarrassed, that's all."
In the end, the two of them had a quarrel, and she went back to her room without eating a single bite.
But after all, the New Year is coming, and even if we quarrel fiercely, we will still have to make peace in the end.
On New Year's Eve, the family went to the temple to burn incense. Even at this hour, the temple was still crowded and bustling like daylight. When Bo Xia came out to get some fresh air, she suddenly received a call from Jin Yunyan. His voice was so vague amid the clamor.
"Turn back."
She saw him wearing a black coat standing in the smoke, looking at her from afar. It was just past twelve o'clock and the sound of fireworks was endless.
It was the first time for them to celebrate such a lively New Year.
When Bo Xia saw his thin figure, she suddenly thought for a moment that it would be great if she could stay with him every year.
"Why are you here?"
Jin Yunyan said casually that he saw her message saying that she was here so he came to try his luck, but he didn't expect to find her so quickly.
But in fact, he had been here for quite some time, and he searched for her in the crowd for a long time before he saw her lonely figure.
At this time, many passers-by passed by and walked among them. Just as Jin Yunyan was about to pull her to his side, he felt a warm touch on the palm of his hand. It was Bo Xia holding his hand.
She asked him what it was like to spend the New Year in Nan'an.
Jin Yunyan thought for a moment and said, "It's been a long time since I've felt such a strong New Year atmosphere."
Bo Xia watched the fireworks for a long time before returning home. She was at her age now, so her parents just asked her a question and didn't take it seriously.
After giving red envelopes to her family, she returned to her room and found that Jin Yunyan had also secretly given her a red envelope before going to bed, just like she did before.
After New Year's Eve, Bo Xia stayed at home for two days. When relatives came to her house for dinner, she managed a forced smile. The reason was simple: relatives were the most difficult group to deal with, at least in her family. Many of her parents' actions and words were instigated by relatives and friends.
When they get older, they are always blind and follow the crowd, or perhaps, they have actually lived blindly for most of their lives, so they always want her to live a life like them.
Bo Xia went to get some food, and when she came back she heard her aunt mention what happened back then. She said lightly that it was unbearable for a woman not to have children, so she had persuaded Bo Xia's mother to have another one, and to have a son.
Bo Xia certainly knew this. They had already chosen a name for the child before he was born and had it engraved on the ancestor's tombstone, but the name on it was masculine.
Even if they later seemed to no longer favor boys over girls, in fact these ideas were as ubiquitous as the air.
Bo Xia couldn't help feeling a little suffocated. Sometimes she could understand her mother, understand her foolish thoughts, understand her lack of love, and understand that she was just a poor person oppressed by feudal ideas.
But the problem is that her understanding is always one-way, and in the end it can only bring them deeper oppression. What's more, she has never been the one who caused harm to her, but she has to bear the consequences.
How much she wanted to love them, but people are made of flesh and blood. As early as when she was a baby, her mother jokingly said that she would only be beaten if she cried when she was hungry. At that time, her mother vividly described how funny she looked when she cried when she was too old to remember. It is easy to imagine what she experienced later.
In that family, she should never have any emotions, because she is not their child, but a life that they had no choice but to pass on when they were poor and ignorant. She does not need to accept their love, but only needs to inherit their poverty and pain, and then be content to be their tool.
Her love had long been drained away by their indifference and torture in the past, and she could no longer give even a penny.
Two days later, she used the excuse of leaving Nan'an, but actually went to the hotel where Jin Yunyan was and prepared to go back to Beijing with him.
While Jin Yunyan was taking a shower, she couldn't help but stare blankly outside, thinking about her relationship with her parents.
Blood ties are truly an unbreakable shackle, which is why she always feels pain and difficulty separating from them. She feels distressed and understands them, but also feels suffocated. This is the source of her pain over the years.
She wanted countless times to forgive them for the repeated mental torture in the past and to turn the page, but she could never look at the tragedy that happened to her objectively.
It was as if one of them had to be wrong, and forgiving them would prove that she was the one in the wrong. She needed to agree with their ideas, thinking that their survival was already difficult, and that she should be grateful for supporting her studies, even if all the things she couldn't get were given to others.
The faults fabricated by others and herself were like heavy stones pressing down on her, making it hard for her to breathe.
When she was at her lowest, she seemed to become the child she was back then.
In order to escape the problem, she began to think about what kind of death would be painless, and even hoped that an accident would end her life suddenly.
As long as she died, she would no longer be the conscienceless, disobedient and bad child in the eyes of her parents and relatives, and she would be free forever.
She saw the cigarette Jin Yunyan placed on the table, and couldn't help but go to the windowsill and light a cigarette like him. The next second, she started coughing violently, almost choking to tears.
A hand stretched out before him, and Jin Yunyan took out the tobacco and held it between his lips and teeth: "Why, did you learn bad things from me?"
He passed her a cigarette and couldn't help laughing when he saw she couldn't bear it: "Still learning?"
Bo Xia didn't refuse and leaned closer to him: "Teach me."
There are only two reasons why people smoke: one is because of the environment, and the other is because of frustration in life. Jin Yunyan put out the cigarette and looked at her helplessly: "It seems that I should quit smoking."
“…”
Seeing that she wanted to touch him again, Jin Yunyan confiscated the lighter and was also held by her hand, unable to move. He looked so calm, as if he was born with the magic power to reassure people: "What happened?"
"It's nothing," she looked up at him. "If someone hurts you, the only way to move on is to reconcile with them, but your heart still clearly remembers those scars. Should you choose to forgive?"
Bo Xia tried to forgive, and even mistakenly thought he had succeeded.
But then, during countless sleepless nights, all the scars came flooding back, nearly drowning her. She remembered so clearly the slaps she received as a child for a lost pen and a broken bowl while washing dishes. She also remembered the helplessness of not being taken to the hospital for an inflamed wisdom tooth. She remembered the despair of being scolded to tears for not doing her chores well. She remembered countless times she felt unloved.
How dark those years were. The calluses on her palms, the bruises on her knees, and the thoughts of death in countless nights always bear witness to her.
"There aren't so many rules in the world that dictate how a person or an event should behave." Jin Yunyan guessed something and said, "You can choose not to forgive yet, or even if you feel you need revenge before you can let yourself go, you can do that. No one will make any decisions for you."
She tasted the bitterness on the tip of her tongue, and for a moment she realized that this was the answer in her heart. She just needed someone to tell her -
Bo Xia, you are right.
So you just need to move forward firmly and don't look back.
At that time, Bo Xia suddenly realized that letting go is a process, and not letting go is also a process. She always needs to face the hurt she suffered in the past. Only by facing up to her past pain can she truly grow up and move forward again.
So at this moment, she wants to say no to forgiveness on behalf of her past self. She wants to use the long years to come to dilute the scars in her heart. Only when the past page is turned over can she truly reconcile with herself.
Perhaps lovers have telepathy. Jin Yunyan sensed her pain and hugged her carefully: "If one day you truly learn to forgive and let go, it doesn't mean you deny your past self, nor does it mean you accept and understand the mistakes of others. It just means you start to look at those things objectively and stop being so hard on yourself."
"Instead of reconciling with others, it's better to reconcile with yourself and treat yourself as a child who needs patient care," he continued. "Xiao Xia, there are so many things in this world that there's no right or wrong. You don't need to be absolutely right, you just need to be yourself."
In an instant, she burst into tears.
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