Chapter 82 Symptom You just don’t know how to love yourself.
It was raining heavily outside. When they looked at each other, they both saw that the other was hesitant to speak.
Bo Xia followed Jin Yunyan back to the hotel. Seeing him take off his coat and sit on the sofa, she took a towel without thinking and leaned over to gently wipe his hair.
In an instant, all the reluctance and bitterness surged up.
Her wrist was grabbed, and just as she was about to speak, Jin Yunyan's Adam's apple rolled: "You went back to Nan'an without saying a word. Are you not planning to come back to find me?"
Bo Xia didn't know why, but she couldn't help but shed tears when she heard this.
Jin Yunyan believed that he would not be the inferior in a relationship and would not bow his head in a relationship, but he fell twice with her.
He could still feel her tears on his arm, and even taste their salty wetness: "I have fulfilled your girlhood dream. What will happen after it is fulfilled?"
"Now that you've discovered that I'm different from what you imagined, are you going to treat me like a doll you threw away when you got tired of playing with it?" He couldn't help but laugh. The funny thing was that even after this, he still couldn't let go.
Bo Xia shook his head.
She didn't know why he thought that, and she had never seen him this way before, so proud yet vulnerable. She explained, "I used to think you were like those dolls, just a dream I was obsessed with. But Jin Yunyan, you're different."
She desperately didn't want to hurt him: "You used to be my fantasy, my youth. Although irreplaceable, you were always just an untouchable bubble. But even if you are different now, even if you fall from grace one day, you are still my true love."
He was perfect in the past, but she only loves the flesh-and-blood Jin Yunyan now.
Jin Yunyan was slightly stunned. The long-standing turmoil was finally resolved. For a moment, he couldn't even digest the shock her words brought him.
He let go of her hand. Even his hardened heart could not bear her fervent love. He asked her why she didn't answer the phone, and then Bo Xia remembered that her phone was out of battery. She found a place to charge it, and at that moment, a call came in. She didn't know what was said on the other end. She glanced at Jin Yunyan and whispered that she would not go back today.
Jin Yunyan's expression softened considerably. He pulled her to the sofa and looked at her face carefully. "No more thorns today?"
She thought of how she looked that day and fell silent.
After a long time, she finally spoke: "I lost my composure that day, but maybe it's not a bad thing. One day you will know that the real Bo Xia is not only gentle and kind, but also selfish and even crazy."
All the reasons why he fell in love with her were just her appearance.
"Know what then?"
Bo Xia saw that his expression was still the same as before: "You will break up with me."
Jin Yunyan understood that the uneasiness in her heart originated from this: "What if I say I can't do it?"
"You've already done that."
He was a little confused for a moment, and after a while he sighed softly: "Little Ancestor, who is going to break up with whom? Did I ever say the word break up? I've been angry for two days, and you didn't come to comfort me, so you just don't want me anymore, right?"
“…” She still thought…
Bo Xia thought that she seemed to have too little trust in him. For her, it was so difficult to establish a relationship in which she firmly believed that the other party would not leave, so she could only assume from the beginning that the other party would leave.
"In the future, perhaps you will see an even more unbearable side of me..."
She still couldn't help but say what she wanted to say.
"Then show me all the shameful sides of you that you think you are, and see if I will break up with you after knowing all about you." Jin Yunyan said, "Do you dare to make this bet with me?"
Maybe she didn't dare before, but now she began to understand that she must be brave in a relationship to make it last, otherwise the so-called sobriety will only make their hearts drift further and further apart.
She couldn't stop relying on him just because she was worried that she would get deeper into trouble.
We can't avoid expressing our feelings just because we assume that the relationship will end sooner or later.
If that's the case, no matter what the outcome, she can't have a clear conscience about this relationship.
Besides, hadn't Jin Yunyan already used his actions to prove that he was always running towards her? It was as if he was always extending his arms towards her. How could she ignore it?
Bo Xia couldn't help but hug him and heard his voice ringing in her ears: "I want to have all of you, whether it's good or bad."
Jin Yunyan leaned over to kiss her, but she pressed against his chest. He suppressed his smile and said, "Are you starting to deny me from having you now?"
"You just came out of the hospital, and your body is covered with germs." Bo Xia glanced at his wet hair. "And you got caught in the rain. Aren't you afraid of catching a cold?"
Just now someone looked at him for a long time, as if he had always wanted to say these words to him.
Jin Yunyan suppressed his smile, and there was a hint of helplessness between his brows. It seemed that he could never do anything to her.
When they entered the bathroom, he gently helped her take off her clothes: "When you just came in, I actually didn't plan to let you go. What I thought at the time was that no matter how rude you said, I would not let you walk out of that door."
There was lust in his eyes, and one couldn't help but imagine what he wanted to do.
"You're so wet, it seems you still like it tough."
The raindrops hit the glass, mixing with the continuous spring tide in the room.
She felt his heat and raised her hand to touch his forehead. It seemed that he had a fever. But Jin Yunyan still did not stop, no matter how she refused.
"Are you crazy?"
He snorted a little heavily: "I was crazy. I almost lost you."
He was like hugging a hedgehog, completely unaware even though he knew the thorns would hurt him.
Bo Xia relaxed, her eyes moist. She used to think love was dispensable. While it could bring happiness, it also often caused pain. She would rather lose that tiny bit of happiness, which was insignificant to her, in order to avoid pain.
But now she understood that the gifts that came with love could offset all loneliness and pain, so ordinary people were always so foolish as to love while suffering.
Jin Yunyan had a serious fever at night, and she stayed by her side to take care of him as she had done in the past. She looked at his delicate profile, and time passed in a flash, as if half a lifetime had passed.
Thinking back on it later, that was when she really started to grow.
Growing up does not mean becoming indifferent and heartless, but daring to love and hate, being able to accept the consequences of all your choices, learning to understand responsibility and commitment, and facing everything firmly and fearlessly.
She stayed there for a long time, and seeing that Jin Yunyan had not woken up for a long time, she hesitated whether to send him to the hospital. Was he too seriously ill?
She took his temperature with a thermometer. His fever had clearly subsided, so she leaned over and repeatedly touched his forehead. Just as she was about to make a phone call, Jin Yunyan reached out and grabbed her hand: "What are you touching?"
"You must be very sick. Why haven't you woken up yet?"
Jin Yunyan closed his eyes and smiled: "I haven't had enough rest these past two days."
It turned out that he just didn't sleep well. Bo Xia was angry and annoyed: "I didn't get enough rest and you still..."
The words were lost in her slightly agitated voice, and Jin Yunyan asked her maliciously, "What else?"
“…”
Bo Xia didn't argue with him. After sleeping for a while, she said she wanted to leave. Jin Yunyan didn't let her go. Like a sick child throwing a tantrum, he said, "I'll go with you."
She originally wanted to refuse, but after thinking about it, she agreed. She had decided to reveal everything to him, even if it meant revealing scars that she could not face.
Jin Yunyan followed her home. The living room looked quite cozy from the entrance, but before he could react, he was barraged with scolding. When the woman saw that there was someone behind Bo Xia, she calmed down a lot.
"Is this your boyfriend?"
Jin Yunyan introduced himself. He looked young and steady, completely different from what they had imagined.
He only brought some fruits with him. Bo Xia didn't let him bring anything valuable, but he didn't mind at all and started talking about studying abroad.
Bo Xia couldn't bear it any longer: "Didn't you disagree with us being together before? If I don't come back to Beijing, won't there be no one to take care of you?"
"Can't you just pick us up when the time comes?"
"What about Bo Yi?" She could spread her wings and fly away, but I would be trapped here and never be able to leave.
Bo Xia tried to calm down, thinking that there was a sentence that could best describe the way they treated her -
They wanted her to fly higher, but they kept breaking her wings.
They just wanted her to fly, but not as a free bird. They wanted her to be a kite, and no matter how high she flew, the string was in their hands so they could pull it back at any time. If one day the kite wanted to break away from them and fly away, they would rather she could not fly, be trapped by their side forever, or crash somewhere. It didn't matter.
"Doesn't your sister always cling to this home wherever she goes? She's nothing like you. You're the older sister, so it's not natural for you to take on more responsibilities. She's not as capable or independent as you are, so why are you always comparing yourself to her?"
"Why don't I love this family?" All relationships in this world are give and take. When you ask your children to be filial, you must also ask your parents to be loving. Otherwise, there will only be moral kidnapping in a family, and no warmth.
Bo Xia had already grown tired of saying this: "You were the ones who told me to be sensible and take care of myself since I was a child. If you didn't care about me so little, I could live like her. I wouldn't have to be so cautious with every word I said and have to read your expressions. If you could be a little more tolerant of me and love me a little more, I could act like a spoiled child with you and call you every day."
Even if she was sick, she couldn't go to the hospital. If she broke a bowl, the chopsticks would fall on her head. She felt unworthy of buying even the cheapest things. Doing something well was taken for granted without even a word of praise. If she complained, she would be scolded. With such a past, how could she feel that she was really their child?
"Why do you hold such a grudge? Isn't that all in the past?"
They always say it's in the past, that being partial is normal, and that there is no parent who is not partial when raising their children.
Yes, you can be partial. If you are partial, you must accept the consequences of your child not being close to you, rather than accusing them of demanding fairness.
People who are not loved have to spend their whole lives to heal the pain. Those pains and past experiences often lead to the formation of a person's future personality and life trajectory, but they think that these are nothing and that children should be grateful to their parents for raising them.
But what about those psychological illnesses? Just because they are trapped inside and cannot be expressed, does that mean we can avoid responsibility?
Her mother saw that there were guests and stopped arguing with her.
Jin Yunyan looked at her expression and suddenly realized that what he said casually at that time was so careless. He had long noticed the scars in Bo Xia's heart and knew what she had been hiding. At that time, he guessed that it was her unbearable parents, or that they ignored her or even scolded her. He did not associate those scars with her sister. He just thought that if her family had difficulties, he would naturally be willing to help. He wanted to help her through any difficulties.
But he thought too little. Coming from a wealthy family, he despised money too much. He thought it was just a matter of convenience to give away as much as he could. He never thought that such conceited behavior would become a knife that hurt her.
His heart ached, and he reached out to hold Bo Xia in his arms to comfort her and tell her not to get excited.
Jin Yunyan lowered his eyes and saw that the tears she had been able to hold back just now were flowing down. He had never seen her look so fragile before, and his eyes also became wet.
She thought that perhaps it was enough for him to know this.
Otherwise, where would she begin?
Did it start from the time when she was afraid of sudden footsteps and slaps, or from the time when she felt like an outsider when she heard them talking and laughing?
There were too many, so many that she almost forgot some details, so many that even after she left home, she still felt a dull pain.
Jin Yunyan couldn't bear to watch any longer. If he had known it would be so painful for her to reveal her scars, he would have preferred not to know anything. He wanted to take her away, but Bo Xia was determined to rebel against her mother, as if only by overthrowing the old authority could she establish a new self.
There was a quarrel in the kitchen. Bo Xia looked at the fruit knife pointing at her and told her not to point it at her face but to poke it at her heart.
Seeing that the other party didn't move, she reached out to control the sharp knife.
Jin Yunyan saw the reflection and stood up quickly. He was afraid that Bo Xia would hurt him, so he reached out to block it. The blade cut his skin and blood flowed out. Bo Xia was startled. She suddenly woke up at that moment. She hurt him again because of her irrationality.
Many years later, she still didn't know why she was so paranoid and crazy at that time. Maybe it was because she was trapped in the whirlpool of love, or maybe it was because she took their theory too seriously. They said, "I gave you your life," so even she felt indebted and wished she could return her life to them so that they could be even.
But in fact, sometimes, blood ties mean nothing. Everyone is an independent life and individual, born into this world through someone else's body. Either the life is not expected or it is meaningless.
Bo Xia let go of her hand in a daze, and looked at the blood on the ground with tears streaming down her face. She went to find the medicine box to treat his wound, and while the people around her were in a panic, she took Jin Yunyan to the hospital to get stitches.
On the way, Jin Yunyan comforted her: "Why are you crying? It doesn't hurt."
Her whole body was trembling. Even though Jin Yunyan had proved once that he would not leave her, her heart was still uneasy after he saw how miserable she was.
She herself couldn't accept it. All her growth over the years seemed to disappear in an instant. She tried her best to get rid of the past, but in that instant she turned back into the old Bo Xia.
She kept going around in circles, and decades seemed to have been wasted.
But even she herself had forgotten that the past was not meant to be gotten rid of.
After getting stitches in the hospital, Bo Xia finally calmed down a bit. Trapped in that vortex, she murmured, "Ah Yan, are you scared?"
"What do you think?"
She raised her eyes hesitantly, unsure of his thoughts. Jin Yunyan told her, "I feel bad for you having suffered so much. I marvel at your brilliant present, but if I could, I would go back and raise you all over again. I want to hug you and tell you not to work so hard."
Her vision blurred again. She was enveloped by his love. Knowing that he was too tolerant in this relationship, she couldn't help but ask, "Am I not that good at loving?"
She is not dependent, stubborn and has a strong sense of self-esteem.
She is not the omnipotent strong person.
She finally let Jin Yunyan know that Bo Xia, the most sober, independent and gentle person in the world, was actually a complete coward.
She has spent the better part of her life trying to break free from the cage of character and fate, trying to cut off all constraints, but now, it seems that she still cannot escape.
Jin Yunyan saw through her thoughts. He raised his uninjured hand and gently wiped her tears: "You love others better than anyone else, but you just don't know how to love yourself."
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