Chapter 54: I would rather he be the moon that never sets,
It seems that most things in this world cannot escape the four words "things go against one's wishes".
When I was young, I never believed in fate, let alone the so-called destiny. But after experiencing many vicissitudes of life, I often had to admit that the part of your life script that cannot be changed can only be explained as the work of fate.
But if she had to do it again, she would still choose that path.
Because if she is no longer full of ideals and unwavering, she will no longer be the Bo Xia she once was. Even if things are not going as planned now, she will always miss the brave self she once was.
The future may not be bright, but the Bo Xia of the past will always shine in the gloomy memories of the past.
So amidst all the regrets and complaints, Bo Xia was the only one who remained silent.
Jin Yunyan glanced at her and saw her lowering her eyes and smiling. He asked her what she was laughing at. She said that although everyone said they regretted it, most of them were still willing to do this job. After all, that was the direction they had chosen at that time regardless of their future.
"Jin Yunyan," she suddenly called his name, her eyes moist with moisture, as if she were talking to him at eighteen through his present self. She asked, "Did you do what you wanted to do?"
If Bo Xia hadn't reminded him, he might not have remembered what he wanted to do. He finally remembered that at that time he wanted to be with his mother and pick up the piano that she had taught him but hadn't touched for a long time, but he never had the chance again.
He saw his past self through those eyes, as if she was always helping him remember his past self. For a moment, he felt like cold water drops were falling in his heart, an indescribable feeling.
For many years, he never thought that others would be spectators of his life like this.
"My answer is the same as yours." His bony hand rested lightly on the chair behind her, neither too close nor too far away from her, but his eyes were always on her.
She didn't ask what was the difference, but smiled in tacit understanding with him.
There was barbecue in front of her. Bo Xia picked up the chopsticks and ate the scallops on the plate. Her hair fell down unexpectedly, looking a little cumbersome.
He raised his hand to push her hair behind her ear, his eyes lingering on a faint mole next to her earlobe. Seeing her looking at him in surprise, he explained, "Hair."
Then he found a rubber band and handed it to her.
It seemed as if he was always so gentle and considerate to others.
Bo Xia took the rubber band and tied her hair up, revealing her slender, white neck. She always looked a little fragile. If you were to compare her to anything, the first thing that comes to mind isn't a delicate flower, but rather a bamboo that refuses to break, or the spring bamboo shoots that grow wildly after rain.
There is always tenacity hidden in her beauty and stubbornness in her silence, as if she is determined to go all the way to the end and not turn back until she hits a wall.
After the dinner, Wen Xin left early due to something urgent. Zhou Suiye said he wanted to take Bo Xia home, but Jin Yunyan considerately let them take his car: "Didn't you just come back? I'll take her home."
"I'm not tired." Zhou Suiye, who was 1.83 meters tall, stood there and looked very energetic.
Jin Yunyan didn't give him a chance to refuse, and said in a gentle tone: "Go back and rest early."
Bo Xia thought that Jin Yunyan was really considering Zhou Suiye, and also felt that his home was too far away and he shouldn't let Zhou Suiye send him home. He should have a good rest after running back and forth, so he looked at him with an agreeing look.
Zhou Suiye had no choice but to give up. It was not until he got in the car that he realized something was wrong between the two people.
After sending Zhou Suiye away, Bo Xia wanted to say that he was going back, but he felt that saying that would inevitably seem like he was making fun of Qiao, so he simply got into his car.
He usually had a driver and rarely drove himself, so Bo Xia didn't say anything to avoid disturbing him. At a traffic light, Jin Yunyan casually clicked on the display and asked her what songs she liked to listen to.
“Just play some Cantonese songs.”
"good."
Jin Yunyan calmly mentioned the past and Zhou Suiye. Bo Xia said that she knew that whatever Zhou Suiye wanted to do could be accomplished. He said, "Really?"
After a while, he added: "What about me?"
Bo Xia was stunned for a moment, and then mentioned the nickname he had been jokingly given in the past: "Is there anything that our Yan Shen can't do? Do you still need my approval?"
At the intersection ahead, he raised his hand and casually turned the steering wheel, laughing softly, with a hint of teasing in his tone: "You've become as bad as Zhou Suiye after staying with him for so long, right?"
"I don't have any."
"Is it because I haven't been with him long enough, or am I not as bad as he is?"
It was clearly just a confirmation, but the words seemed tinged with ambiguity. Bo Xia vaguely sensed something was amiss, but the emotion, like water flowing through her fingertips, was impossible to contain.
Just at this moment, the music in the car started playing the line "Under the Mount Fuji" -
“I once wandered along the snowy road;
Why do you shed tears for good things?
Who can claim Mount Fuji for personal use out of love? [1]
She turned her head and looked at him for a long moment, but could not get a clear answer from his eyes. In the end, Bo Xia did not ask further and said, "No."
A smile crossed his eyes, and he asked if they hadn't been in touch much over the years. Bo Xia replied that they had been in touch occasionally, then lamented that most people met by chance, and that perhaps fate was a fixed value secretly written in stone. For a happy ending, both fate and destiny were indispensable.
Her eyes were always on him, as if to say that it was the same between them.
"You and him were so close at that time that anyone who saw you would think you were a couple."
"..." Bo Xia said seriously, "This shows that you are prejudiced and don't allow true friendship between friends of the opposite sex."
Unfortunately, Jin Yunyan's prejudice still persisted, and he snorted softly, "So later on, I would occasionally think about taking care of the girl my friend liked."
So when he later found out that the person she liked was him, he didn't believe it at first and suspected it was a prank by someone else, until he got the diary that belonged to her.
With his upbringing, he couldn't bear to see others embarrassed because of him, so he came to her rescue.
But thinking back now, Jin Yunyan suddenly found that his state of mind was quite different.
He didn't seem to want Zhou Suiye to have any thoughts about Bo Xia anymore, let alone treat her as a friend or someone he liked. He even felt a little regretful and wondered why he didn't know her better at that time.
But Jin Yunyan had to admit that love was a superstition of timing and location.
Nothing happened between them at that time. It had nothing to do with regrets or missed opportunities. It was just that it was not the most appropriate time.
Bo Xia asked, "Then are you surprised to know that the person I like is you?"
He honestly gave a negative answer because there were so many people who liked him.
This was really a bit arrogant. If it were the Bo Xia from the past, he would definitely feel sad, thinking that so many people looked up to him, while he was really too insignificant.
But now, she has no interest in romance. The disappearance of love has allowed her to find herself again: "Does that prove that I have good taste? After all, only outstanding people will be attracted to other outstanding people."
The bitterness and obsession of the past seemed to dissipate in these ordinary conversations.
Will you be sad if you can’t get it?
Normal people can do that.
But at her age, she has begun to understand that regret is sometimes a better ending than happiness. Things that cannot be obtained will always be precious in the heart, isn't it?
She would rather have him be the moon hanging high in her heart forever.
Don't let the moon fall into the mortal world either.
Seeing that they were almost at their destination and waiting for the car to stop completely, she was unbuckling her seat belt when she suddenly heard the slightly hoarse voice of the person next to her -
"Then it seems that I really had poor vision in the past."
Her heart skipped a beat inadvertently, and she forgot to say goodbye when she got off the car. After a while, she turned back and asked him to be careful.
When she lowered her eyes, her long eyelashes trembled up and down, like soft feathers brushing against his heart.
After that, Bo Xia did not contact Jin Yunyan specifically, but instead asked Zhou Suiye to have a meal with him when he was about to leave. After all, the other party was in the research base all year round, and the opportunities to meet were very rare.
When they came out, he compared her height and said he thought she had grown taller. Bo Xia showed him her high heels expressionlessly. They both seemed to have changed a lot. She had become more resilient and confident, and he was no longer the naive boy with a middle school vibe.
After chatting for a while, Zhou Suiye suddenly asked her: "I haven't been with you these years. Are you happy?"
She didn't know why, but such a simple question brought back many memories for her. After wandering in Beijing for these years, she felt more and more like a rootless duckweed. How could she feel happy?
When people enter society, they are always confused, and then they seek safety in this confusion. Later, because of safety, they gradually recall past traumas, step by step trapping themselves in the same place. Even though she has begun to try to break free, the past few years have not been happy at all.
But why did she come back?
Beijing is such an indifferent city. No one cares whether you succeed or fail, whether you're happy or sad. It's always there. But precisely because it's such an indifferent city that doesn't believe in tears, she feels that her soul can find a little space to relax.
She said she'd had a good life these past few years. But Zhou Suiye understood her so well that he squatted down to look her in the eye and sighed pretentiously, "What would you do without me?"
Bo Xia smiled at first, but when she saw that he wanted to touch her head, she took his hand away and told him not to touch her anymore: "Yes, I can't live without you."
Zhou Suiye said sourly: "Tsk, because Jin Yunyan is now trying to draw a line between us."
Hearing him mention Jin Yunyan for no apparent reason, Bo Xia pretended to be indifferent: "What does it have to do with him?"
But that look still revealed that she still had feelings for Jin Yunyan. After all, how could she not feel any emotion when she saw the person she had fallen in love with in her youth again?
"It really has nothing to do with him?"
She actually just cherished this relationship too much and didn't want anything else mixed in. But this sentence was inexplicably like questioning whether she liked Jin Yunyan.
Bo Xia was too lazy to talk to him and didn't continue the topic.
After not spending much time together, both of them returned to their own lives.
Life after adulthood is cruel. Even college classmates often go their separate ways after graduation, let alone high school classmates. Sometimes, the more you see someone, the less you see them. No one knows when this meeting will be the last.
On the day Zhou Suiye left, Bo Xia remembered something. She sent him a WeChat message, asking him whether the love letter she received at that time was written by him. Zhou Suiye denied it and said he had forgotten.
"Really?" She recalled that damp time, but was always glad that they were by her side. If Jin Yunyan was the unreachable moon in her heart, then they were the sun that always stayed by her side and could warm her.
"But I always remember that someone made me realize that I am unique and irreplaceable, and no one is more worthy of my love than me."
It’s just that I was young and inexperienced back then, so many things only now do I fully understand. Furthermore, loving others is easy, but loving yourself, as you are, is like holding a hot iron in your arms; it burns you, causing immense pain. [2]
So even if you have known this truth for a long time, it will still take too many years to put it into practice.
After a long time, Bo Xia told him: "Zhou Suiye, you are different from anyone else in my eyes."
Perhaps everyone is the sun, but they always shine their light on the moon, but they themselves cannot see how they shine.
She is still so sincere and never hesitates to express her true feelings in straightforward language.
When they met, they saw that each other was very different from the past. But now Zhou Suiye discovered that, after such a long time, Bo Xia had not changed at all.
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