Before he could put the things that had fallen on the ground back into the box and close it, Shi Meng rushed over and snatched them away.
"Who gave you permission to touch my things?" Shi Meng, clutching the box, turned sideways, trying to cover her tracks. "You're not allowed to look. Get out of here."
But Fu Xuanliao had already seen it, clearly and distinctly discerning the preciousness and joy that he had never expressed.
“I’m not leaving,” Fu Xuanliao said. “If I leave, you’ll be sad again.”
The sound of a string snapping in his mind made his whole body stiffen, and Shi Meng stood there frozen as if his soul had left his body.
He knew, he knew everything.
The contents of that box were like a sword, shattering his fragile dignity and leaving him utterly ridiculous to argue now.
"Go away..." Shi Meng freed one hand to hold onto the door frame, making way for him. "I told you to go, so go!"
Fu Xuanliao had never seen Shi Meng react so violently. His lips were trembling, and the knuckles of his fingers gripping the door frame were turning blue.
But Fu Xuanliao still said, "I'm not leaving."
He was still reeling from the shock, only knowing that once he left, there would be little chance of turning things around.
He said through gritted teeth, "Unless you tell me why you're hiding these things."
Shi Meng didn't want to talk about it. Even if her weakness was exposed, the answer was already clear even without asking.
“These things were originally mine,” Shi Meng said breathlessly. “...I didn’t hide them.”
"Then why won't you let me see?" Fu Xuanliao held out his hand to him. "Give it to me."
It is said that cause and effect are cyclical and retribution is inevitable. Last time, he seized on Fu Xuanliao's impulsive slip of the tongue and turned the situation around. This time, Fu Xuanliao followed suit and turned the tables on him.
Fu Xuanliao stepped forward, making a move to snatch it, but Shi Meng turned and ran with the box in her arms. She picked up a lighter from the window downstairs and held it high.
Shi Meng turned to Fu Xuanliao, who was following him, and said threateningly, "Don't come any closer, or I'll..."
"Burn it?" Fu Xuanliao had already seen through his thoughts and said with certainty, "You can't bear to."
They were willing to destroy even "Flame," but kept these things until now, which clearly shows they couldn't bear to part with them.
Because "Flame" represents Shi Meng's love for Fu Xuanliao, and these things are the warmth that Fu Xuanliao once gave him.
Shi Meng was used to being harsh on himself, and in order to defeat others, he was even willing to harm himself. The saying "killing a thousand enemies while losing eight hundred of your own" is no more than this.
The words "reluctant to part with" are like ruthlessly tearing away the last veil of shame, leaving Shi Meng with unfocused eyes, saying blankly, "These are all things you didn't want, so I kept just a little bit... just a little bit."
You can't even tolerate this little bit, and you want to take it all back?
The choked voice made Fu Xuanliao's heart tremble. Only at this moment did he realize that no matter how difficult or painful the process of winning him back was, it was far less painful than seeing Shi Meng suffer.
“I won’t take it.” Fu Xuanliao quickly raised his hands to show his stance. “Not only will I not, but I will give you more and better things in the future.”
Since their reunion, everything Shi Meng has done has been in an effort to resist, and in order to avoid any major conflict, he has even restrained his temper.
However, the more suppressed one is, the sharper and more complete the outburst will be.
Shi Meng went from stammering "no" to shouting arrogantly, "No! I said no!"
He retreated step by step, his shattered pride crunching under his feet, each step making a crisp cracking sound, as if telling him—you have no secrets left in front of Fu Xuanliao.
His feigned nonchalance was exposed, and his attempts to hide and deny were precisely evidence of how much he cared.
With his beliefs crumbling and countless ashes rising, Shi Meng, left with nowhere to turn and driven to the brink of despair, could not sit idly by and wait for death, nor could he allow himself to meet Fu Xuanliao's burning gaze.
If I give him hope, what will I do? What do all those painful past experiences matter?
Slowly loosening his grip, he dropped the box filled with decaying memories onto the ground. Before collapsing, Shi Meng pushed open the door and ran out.
The winters in Xuncheng are a bit colder than those in Fengcheng, especially when the sun is obscured by drifting clouds and the wind joins in the fun.
However, Shi Meng did not feel cold. He was unusually hot all over, and the energy he had gathered in his body propelled him to walk very fast.
He walked east along the road, continuing until he reached a dead end, then turning a corner to continue. He passed familiar shops along the street, through the bustling market, and finally arrived at the neon-lit street as dusk fell.
He didn't know how long he had walked, only that the scene before him kept changing, from tranquility to noise, from daytime to darkness, until finally he witnessed one light after another being lit up.
He was like a wandering soul, observing everything that was happening with a detached eye. Sometimes it was noisy and bustling, sometimes it was as still as water. No matter how varied the changes were, they made no difference to him. They were all cliffs and precipices, where one misstep would lead to utter ruin.
Perhaps he's already at the bottom of a cliff, and this desperate struggle is nothing more than self-righteous cleverness.
He could only walk, keep walking forward, even without a purpose or direction, because if he stopped, those thoughts that were enough to drive him mad would instantly take over his mind.
He didn't turn around, because he knew without turning around that the person was following behind him.
Looking at the distant clock tower, Shi Meng thought aimlessly, "If I were to become a ghost, he would surely be the ghost messenger who comes to arrest me. When the two hands of different sizes merge and overlap, he will take me to the eighteenth level underground."
That's fine too. Anyway, their beginning was a mistake. He has no right to run away. He can only choose to continue to entangle them, tirelessly and relentlessly.
The wind picked up at night.
Shi Meng chose a road heading north. The biting wind blew his slightly long hair up, revealing a smooth forehead and pupils reflecting the lamplight.
The heat subsided, and a coolness seeped into his pores and skin. As if sensing his coldness, the person less than five meters behind him quickly stepped forward and draped the coat he had just taken off over his shoulders.
Shi Meng swung his arm to block him, adding a cold remark: "Don't follow me."
Fu Xuanliao, of course, wouldn't listen. Just as stubborn as Shi Meng was in the past, Fu Xuanliao is now just as headstrong.
He knew Shi was traumatized and needed to calm down, but he couldn't let him run out. He had to watch over him no matter what and prevent him from hurting himself.
In reality, Shi Meng had no strength left to harm himself. He had walked such a long way simply to vent his restless and irritable emotions.
The restlessness dissipated with the wind, and an unnamed emptiness crept in. Shi Meng stopped and looked around, realizing that she had somehow left the dazzling downtown area and entered another quiet place.
Unlike where I was staying, this place was near an industrial park on the outskirts of the city. During the factory's rest period, only a few lights were on for night watchmen, flickering in and out of the dense woods.
A 24-hour convenience store across the street became the most conspicuous presence. Shi Meng glanced back at the road she had come from, her peripheral vision sweeping over the people a few meters away without pausing, before she stepped across the street, pushed open the door of the convenience store, and went inside.
Having traveled for so long, traversing mountains and rivers, we were already starving.
Shi Meng took a cup of instant noodles from the shelf. When she went to pay, she saw that the people in line behind her had placed similar instant food next to the cashier, but she ignored them and looked away.
With such contrasting indoor and outdoor temperatures, while waiting for his instant noodles to be made after filling a pot with boiling water, Shi Meng rubbed his frozen, red hands and regretted not bringing his gloves with him.
However, I left in such a hurry that I didn't even have gloves, and if my phone hadn't been in my pocket, I probably wouldn't even be able to afford instant noodles now.
Thinking this way, Shi Meng felt fortunate.
He never thought about the other person, perhaps because he was too busy to care, or perhaps because he was afraid of exposing something again.
Even if the other party has seen all of his appearances, including his sophistry and stubborn resistance.
For some reason, those three minutes felt longer than several hours of a long journey. It wasn't until Meng tore open the paper lid of the cup and found an extra sausage and a braised egg inside that her thoughts suddenly stalled.
When the connection was restored, Shi Meng couldn't remember when he had managed to sneak in the extra ingredients, just as she couldn't remember when she had become able to accept his care so readily.
What he gave him was both a little and far more than that.
He carried him out of the darkness, letting him see that there were still beautiful things like sunshine in this gray world, giving life another meaning.
Shi Meng also asked himself, is there really that much?
The reason for avoiding this answer is precisely because the answer is certain and unique—yes, there are so many.
Therefore, everything he does ultimately serves the same purpose—
I used to keep Fu Xuanliao by my side so that I could continue to possess him.
Pushing him away now is because I'm afraid I won't be able to hold on to him, that it won't last, and that once I had him, I can only watch him drift away.
It would have been better never to have had it at all.
The meal was simple, yet it warmed my stomach and made my blood flow smoothly throughout my body.
After disposing of the trash, Shi Meng went to the cashier and asked for a pack of cigarettes.
Perhaps it's because I haven't smoked in a long time, but my movements were a bit rusty when unpacking. Especially since I'm used to holding cigarettes with my right hand, and my right hand injury hasn't fully healed, my movements were less agile and less accurate. I finally managed to pull out a cigarette, held it between my index and middle fingers, and then reached into my pocket—no lighter.
Hearing Fu Xuanliao say "Wait for me a moment," followed by the sound of footsteps fading away, the glass door opened and closed, Shi Meng turned her head and saw him standing in front of the cashier through the glass window, a tall and lonely profile.
Shi Meng's eyesight was still good, so he could see the bite wound on Fu Xuanliao's lip, which had scabbed over with a deep red layer, making him look pitiful as if he had been bullied.
Shi Meng knew he wasn't feigning helplessness; he genuinely intended to experience the same level of suffering as him, displaying an extraordinary perseverance that was truly frightening.
When Fu Xuanliao used the lighter he had bought to light Shi Meng's cigarette, Shi Meng held the cigarette between his fingers, stared at the sparks for a while, and then put it to his lips.
He took a slow breath, but still choked and coughed because he wasn't used to it.
He couldn't remember why he suddenly wanted to smoke, but he did remember who he had quit smoking for in the first place. So he looked up at the person standing with him in the cold winter wind.
Fu Xuanliao also looked at him with a fascinated, almost greedy gaze.
Shi Meng was stunned at first, then suddenly smiled.
“Oh, I see,” he said. “You still want to sleep with me.”
At that moment, Shi Meng was numb, not knowing whether it was because the sky was too dark, the wind was too cold, or because he had just faced a despairing self-disclosure.
For Fu Xuanliao, who has weathered many storms, this level of teasing was like a tickle.
"Yes, I think so," Fu Xuanliao said frankly. "I thought so before, I think so now, and I will continue to think so in the future."
This answer was beyond Shi Meng's expectations. He was both embarrassed and annoyed, but he also felt that he should not waste the opportunity to use it against him, so he said, "That means that there is only the most primal physical attachment between you and me."
In other words, all other feelings are illusions arising from this.
Fu Xuanliao disagreed, asking, "Then why do you keep those things? Just because of physical attachment?"
Shi Meng choked up, not expecting the topic to circle back to itself.
He started making up lies out of desperation: "When I moved, it was mixed in with my luggage, and I forgot to throw it away."
"Yeah?"
"……Um."
"Shi Meng," Fu Xuanliao suddenly called his name, "look up at me."
Shi Meng refused to lift his head, but that warm and strong hand grabbed his chin and turned him to face me.
Shi Meng had no choice but to close his eyes.
Then, he heard Fu Xuanliao call him in a very close and soft voice, sigh, and ask him, "Shi Meng, is it so hard to admit that you still like him?"
The voice was deep, filled with weariness, pain, and an overwhelming sorrow that seemed to crush one.
It was a feeling of helplessness, and it was the first time in recent days that Fu Xuanliao had shown negative emotions in front of him.
Since he couldn't see, he pretended not to hear until he smelled a strange burning odor, which forced him to open his eyes.
Since she took off her coat to offer him on the street, even though he refused, Fu Xuanliao didn't put the coat back on, but instead draped it over his arm.
Therefore, he was only wearing a thin shirt at the moment. Shi Meng's hand, which was unconsciously pressed against his body, caused the still-burning cigarette butt to burn through the fabric and stick straight into his chest.
It was too late to move it; the cigarette butt had burned a charred hole in the shirt, sending wisps of black smoke billowing out. The hole was deep, clearly having burned through the skin and reached the flesh; it was foreseeable that it would soon heal into a round, dark red scar.
Like tattoos, they are irreversible, an indelible mark that remains with every living person.
Shi Meng's heart raced and her breathing stopped as she witnessed the scene. The person who was burned, however, seemed completely unconcerned, or was too slow to utter a sound, only slightly frowning at the physical discomfort.
Seeing that Shi Meng was so frightened that he was speechless, Fu Xuanliao stepped forward and grabbed Shi Meng's wrist to stop him from moving around: "Be careful not to burn your hand."
Unfortunately, it wasn't very convincing, because he already had two cigarette burns on his hands, which Shi Meng had seen long ago when he first arrived in Xuncheng.
Shi Meng's final, desperate struggle also showed signs of collapse at this moment.
"Aren't you afraid?" He felt all his weight sliding down his spine, a withered, decaying state. "Have you forgotten what I've done?"
As Shi Meng spoke, he thought to himself how strange it was that he was the one who ended up saying these things. He should have been scared away long ago, he shouldn't have stayed until now, and he shouldn't have been hurt again.
Perhaps sensing the slight tremor in his voice, Fu Xuanliao looked at Shi Meng, his tone still firm: "I should be asking you if you're afraid."
“I told you, you were the one who was crazy before, now it’s my turn.” He no longer carefully and slowly composed his words, but asked directly, “You’ve infected me with your madness, what are you going to do about it?”
Shi Meng looked up, somewhat bewildered, and met Fu Xuanliao's bloodshot eyes, which were still smiling.
Just like many years ago, one glance was enough to draw him in.
In the stillness of the night, with a bright moon and few stars, a cold mist rises from the open ground, giving one the illusion of being in a vast ocean.
In a daze, Shi Meng mechanically repeated, "What... should we do?"
What awaited him was a confession he had never even dared to dream of.
Fu Xuanliao looked at Shi Meng, only at Shi Meng, his mind completely focused.
He said, "I love you."
Then he offered the only solution: "So, I want you to love me too."
The kind that hurts me a lot is also fine.
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