Confession
The soul disappears and the breath becomes disordered.
The past twenty-two years, my life of mixed joys and sorrows, came together before my eyes.
Ever since I was little, everyone... called me a bastard.
My father might be my brother, my grandfather might be my father.
Because his biological father is unknown.
I am, indeed, a bastard.
As soon as my mother gave birth to me, she was sold naked by the mistress.
No matter how far she went, Chang'an no longer had any trace of her.
My mistress threw me into the stable, let the horses trample me, and left me to fend for myself.
Some people couldn't bear it, but it was my elder brother who saved my life.
No one in the family was willing to raise me, except for one lady who felt so sorry for me that she took me away from my older brother and raised me.
This lady's surname was Yuan and her maiden name was Shanhua.
Shanhua and I lived together in her small courtyard for eight years.
Those eight years were better than the next fourteen years.
Shanhua has never been to school and is illiterate. Just because the seasons change, she has called me Xiaohan for eight years.
Xiaohan, although it is a nickname, it is my original appearance.
She is the only one who is me.
Maybe it’s because the day I was born is cold, so my temperament is also cold.
Fortunately, my surname is Yan, not Yan. If I had changed my surname to another one, I would probably feel even colder.
Among the men in the family, my father is very busy, my older brother is also busy, only my grandfather has some free time.
My grandfather often lived in a villa in the mountains outside the city. Whenever he came home, he would ask me who I was and why I was in his house.
My face turned red and I couldn't answer. I just hid behind Shanhua with my head down.
I have never been a straightforward and heroic person. I pretend to be stupid and act foolishly, and I am selfish and self-centered. This is me.
I can't stand people teasing me.
A laugh, a roll of the eyes, a challenging word, to me, are as much as arsenic poison.
The word "bastard" has weighed on me my entire life.
I can’t forget them even if I want to, and I can’t escape them even if I want to. They are like two huge mountains.
The mountain is as high as the sun, and I will never be able to climb over it until I die.
When I mentioned this, I sobbed and cried and snuggled into Shanhua's arms. As I cried, my grandfather laughed loudly towards the beams of the house.
Every time this happens, I just wish I were deaf. I would like to be a deaf person who can't hear any sound, can't hear the insults, can't hear the ridicule.
Only when I can't hear anything can I be free.
My grandfather thought Xiaohan was too shabby, so he gave me a new name.
It's ridiculous. I'm clearly a bastard, yet he calls me Bingqing.
As pure as ice and jade, as pure as jade and ice.
It’s not enough to tell jokes, they also tampered with my name, branding the word "bastard" on me, which will accompany me for the rest of my life.
I don't like Bingqing.
My grandfather hated me, and I hated him even more.
If Shanhua is an old tree that no one cares about, then I am a weed that no one wants.
We depend on each other for survival, and everything is fine in the yard. But once we leave the yard, the ground is covered with thorns, and she and I have no place to step.
The mistress always finds ways to deduct Madam Yuan's monthly allowance.
The mistress is not short of that small bag of silver.
I just wanted to call me a bastard when Shanhua brought me to bother her. After she had scolded me enough, she would feel happy and would reward me with a few months' salary.
If Shanhua doesn't take me with her, she won't get her monthly allowance. If she takes me with her, I'll be scolded.
She knew that I was unwilling to be humiliated, so she picked up her needlework to make a living and stopped seeing her mistress.
Shanhua was born in Shu and used to be an embroiderer who was good at needlework.
I hid for a month, my eyes were dazzled by needlework. Madam Yuan is old, and I couldn't bear to see Shanhua working so hard for me.
Having lost my needle and thread, I dragged Shanhua to the mistress's feet to beg for a scolding.
Although I was scolded, fortunately I got the monthly salary. I smiled with Shanhua and Shanhua smiled with me.
Finished laughing.
Shanhua was secretly wiping away tears behind my back, and I was also secretly crying behind Shanhua's back.
My heart is like glass, which becomes fragile when it falls to the ground. I love to cry. I often cry in Shanhua's arms, or hide in the corner and cry.
I often stay in my small courtyard and never go out or see guests.
Whenever there is a female guest at home, the mistress will ask me to come out to meet her.
She called me out just to tell the women in Chang'an City that I was a bastard, a little bastard born to the most despicable and shameless woman.
People looked at me, laughed at me, pointed at me, and called me a bastard, and she was happy.
Who does the mistress hate?
Me, my grandfather, my father, or my biological mother?
It is difficult for me to know, and I don’t want to know.
I don't know her, but I know myself.
I hate her, I hate the Yan family, and I hate Chang'an City even more.
Once, the eldest princess came to visit the Yan family, and the mistress asked me to come into the hall to pay her respects as usual. When the eldest princess saw me, she asked me how old I was. The mistress replied that she was a bastard.
The eldest princess said, "What a beautiful bastard! I'm afraid she's not from your Yan family. You've treated her badly and don't want her. Why don't you give her to me? I'll take her home and raise her. She can be a wife to my eldest son or a companion to my eldest mother..."
Princess Taikang made me hungry for three days because of a joke she made.
Shanhua begged her elder sister-in-law, and her elder sister-in-law secretly told her elder brother, and it was her elder brother who saved me.
I was half dead, Shanhua cried all night, and overnight, she grew a lot of white hair.
She was afraid of my death, and I was afraid of her death.
Shanhua is very old, but fortunately not as old as his grandfather.
I'm afraid that Shanhua will die and leave me alone in this world.
Seeing my grandfather alive always comforts me. If anyone were to die, the old ones would die first, and if anyone were to die, my grandfather would die first.
It’s not my Shanhua’s turn.
When I was eight years old, my grandfather died.
Three months later, Shanhua also died.
That day, heavy rain poured down on the earth. Yuan Xiao and I knelt in the rain and begged the mistress for mercy.
Shanhua has only one wish in her life, which is to be buried in the Yan family's ancestral tomb after her death. She doesn't want to be a lonely ghost and homeless.
The mistress said that there was no place for her in the Yan family, so she asked the Yuan family to drag her body away. There was no one left in the Yuan family, only Yuan Xiao, who relied on Shanhua for support on a daily basis.
I'm a bastard, but I'm not stupid.
The mistress is deliberately making things difficult for me, and I know what she wants.
Before my grandfather died, he left me a dowry, which was quite a large sum.
My grandfather hated me so much that he hurt me until his death.
I am only eight years old, how can I protect my money?
I knew I couldn't keep them, so I gave them away. If I could get Shanhua's wish, I would be willing to die.
I kowtowed until my eyebrows were red, and was willing to offer everything. Only then did the mistress reluctantly give in and let Shanhua's remains be buried in the Yan family's soil.
The heavy rain is like tears, and I am crying and laughing.
My grandfather's apricot forest was outside the city of Chang'an, next to the royal palace, and was also included in his dowry.
Rumor has it that foxes and ghosts often appear in Xinglin, so it has been abandoned for many years.
It is a land of foxes and ghosts, and the mistress hated it so much that she didn't want to get involved. She was merciful and gave the apricot forest to me. I don't believe in foxes and ghosts, and neither does Yuan Xiao. After placing Shanhua's body, I asked Yuan Xiao to go and see the forest.
After Shanhua died, I really became a weed that no one wanted. I could no longer hide in Shanhua's arms and cry.
Whenever I think of her, I can only curl up against the wall and cry silently.
Seeing that I was alone, my elder brother bought A Xiang for me.
Ah Xiang is two years older than me. She is lively and active, and more humane than me.
Ah Xiang accompanies me and I accompany Ah Xiang.
Ah Xiang takes care of me and I take care of Ah Xiang.
At that time, the crown prince had not yet been decided, and Prince Qing and Prince Xiang were busy fighting for the throne.
My father is very busy. He is planning for Prince Qing every day.
The eldest brother is also very busy. He is helping his father all the time.
In order to show sympathy to his subordinates, Prince Qing asked Princess Qing to adopt me as his adopted daughter. The prince knew that I had no one to educate me, so he asked me to enter the prince's palace and raise me under the care of the princess.
On the first day of entering the palace, I was given a new name - Bingli - because my name was the same as the prince's.
It’s not as good as Xiaohan, and I don’t like it either.
At first, I thought this name was given to me by Princess Qing. Many years later, I learned that it was changed by the Prince Qing.
No wonder...it's really hard for me to like it.
The prince sees me as a fish or an insect, and I see him as a grass or a tree.
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