Not white
My brother held on for three days, but eventually passed away.
I stayed by my brother's side, wiping his brown blood and shedding my colorless tears.
The Yan family, Shanhua, and my elder brother, they are the only two who have treated me sincerely since I was a child.
I mistakenly thought that I had grown up and would no longer cry like a weak child, but my tears were disobedient, just like the heavy rain after Shanhua's death six years ago.
Since I was a child, I have always had likes and dislikes that are determined by my heart. I like this when I open my eyes, and dislike that when I close my mouth.
I was disrespectful to all living things and was arrogant, all because of Shanhua's care and my brother's doting. Their love allowed me to be unruly and resentful all my life.
When my elder brother died, he took away most of my spirit and most of my life.
The Yan family kept the body for a month, and the Li family received great favors from the emperor and empress.
The sage granted the general the privilege of being buried with the emperor in the mausoleum. On the day of the burial, he also ordered the crown prince to lead the way for the funeral.
On the day of the funeral, the Crown Prince Yan's family waited for a long time but no one showed up to see the Crown Prince.
When the rabbit dies, the dog is cooked; when the person leaves, the tea gets cold. It has always been like this.
Whether the prince comes or not, he cannot miss the time. My uncle and I both think so.
My uncle led the way and sent my brother on his way.
The funeral procession was like a white snake, slowly passing through the crowd and wandering around Chang'an step by step.
I walked in front holding the spirit tablet. That day, I seemed to see the whole Chang'an.
My brother was guarding Chang'an City with a knife, and he offended countless people. Tens of thousands of Chang'an people gathered here, naturally not for the funeral.
Zhuque Street was full of people, most of whom were enemies of the Yan family.
I hold my brother's tablet in my arms and will never let go, no matter how many swords and spears come at me, or how many arrows pierce my heart I will let them.
Even though I... cherish my life very much, I am not afraid of death!
The Yan family left Chang'an, and my brother was buried in peace.
I have volunteered to observe mourning and serve my brother for a year.
The emperor and empress agreed.
Just like that, after several years, A Xiang and I returned to the courtyard where Shan Hua and I lived.
No, it has long been the courtyard of Ah Xiang and me.
Looking at how things have changed and the world has changed, but the courtyard remains the same, I feel a mixture of emotions.
Ah Xiang is a hundred times better than me. She is not picky at all. She is always cheerful and smiling wherever she goes and lives a comfortable life.
During the year I was in mourning for my brother, people from Lizheng Palace and Xianju Palace often sent people to visit me. I kept in mind the kindness of the Empress and Concubine Shu.
My uncle was afraid that I would lose my life in mourning, so this old Taoist priest from the deep mountains often came to see me with a bunch of flowers.
"Although Dalang is gone, the Yan family was saved at least," said my uncle.
Fighting back tears, I replied, “I know.”
After my brother passed away, my cousin took over as the general of the Sixteen Guards.
Chang'an is still the Yan family's Chang'an.
My brother can command the army without the fish token. Although my cousin cannot match my brother's power in the army, he can make the Li family feel more at ease.
"Now that Dalang is dead, the current sage has lost his confidant and no longer has a major threat. Only with your bright future and the lives of your two nephews can our family live well..." The uncle said earnestly.
"I know." I said with tears in my eyes.
I know the truth, but how can tears make sense or explain things?
That year, the eldest princess and her husband Shen came to visit often. It was lively with one person and playful with the other. Even if Huayang didn't say anything and was just knocking and putting on makeup, I still liked her.
As soon as she came, I temporarily forgot about my brother's death.
But later, the princess became pregnant, so I stopped asking her to come.
Everything about Taiji Palace and Chang'an City is known to everyone. As long as the princess is by my side, she will tell me everything without missing a word.
I don't want to ask about those little things, I just want to listen to what the princess says.
That year, the sons of the Li family got married, from Li Er to Li Wu, and from King of Qi to King of Wei.
The three princesses of Liyang, Jinyang and Yuyang were married off in wedding ceremonies that were both gorgeous and grand.
Concubine Xue wanted to choose a talented man from aristocratic family for her niece, but Zhuzhi refused to accept the position. In her eyes, all the young talents in the world were not as good as her cousin, the Prince of Qi.
Zhuzhi pressed the imperial concubine with tears, and finally, the imperial concubine relented, and Zhuzhi entered the prince's house and became the wife of Prince Qi.
Zhuzhi has been stupid all her life for her black-hearted cousin. No one, including the concubine and me, can save her.
Li San and the daughter of the Guo family gave birth to a son, but the Holy Queen did not like him and never issued an edict to grant them the title of king.
Strangely enough, Li Sanlang did not enter the Taiji Palace and cause a commotion.
In the Eastern Palace, Madam Feng broke the lamp in the Shaoyang Courtyard and was moved to the Ye Ting by the Crown Prince.
Princess Huayang said that Feng Rusu had fallen out of favor.
The Crown Prince is used when he is loved and pampered when he is loved. He is in a state of excitement and discontent at another time. He does what he wants and is capricious. He has always been like this.
I don’t think Feng Rusu has fallen out of favor.
The prince once promised the Feng family a bright future, so how could he vent his anger on his favorite concubine over a palace lantern? The Taiji Palace was in a state of panic, and everyone was in danger. The prince devoted half of his attention to protecting Feng Rusu.
Moving people out of the Eastern Palace and sending them to the Imperial Court, this must be the Crown Prince's new tactic of retreating in order to advance...
On the day of Xiaohan, when I was fifteen years old, a rare guest came to the Yan family.
This rare guest is not a stranger, but Ru Di.
Ru Di had just recovered from a serious illness and endured the pain of not seeing me. She waited until the right day to come and celebrate my birthday.
That day, Ah Xiang, Ru Di and I were all very happy.
Ru Di regained her health. She said she wanted to stay in Yinyue Palace. She said she wanted to become a Taoist priest and repay the county lord for saving her life.
If the county lady agrees, I will obey her without hesitation.
That year, some people died, some were born, some recovered from illness, and some could not get over it.
The king's uncle suddenly fell seriously ill. Before he died, he wanted his children to be gathered around his knees. His second daughter was trapped in Taiji Palace. He suddenly thought of his eldest daughter, who had been tortured by him to the point of being unrecognizable.
The Feng family sent several groups of people to show goodwill to Ru Di, but Yinyue Palace turned a blind eye.
Rudi's stepmother and several younger brothers often kneel in front of the gate of Yinyue Palace.
The mother kneeling before her son is a practice common in the Li family, but not in Chang'an.
They begged Ru Di to come home on their knees, but she stayed indoors and refused to come out.
The mother and son of the Feng family knelt from winter to spring, and from spring to summer.
Kneeling every season became known to everyone in Chang'an.
Ru Di did not want to disturb the Yi Yang County Lady's quiet retreat. She was kind-hearted and forgave the Feng family's sins after the wound healed.
I said nothing. I couldn't stop a daughter's filial piety, nor could I stop Rudi's determination to fulfill her filial duty at the end of her life.
This time, I paid the price for my indecision, and Ru Di suffered even more because of her kindness.
The mistress of the Yan family hates me, but she can't control me.
After my brother died, the mistress treated me differently than before. I think it was because after I finished my mourning period, I would marry into the Eastern Palace as a concubine, and she didn't dare to mock the Li family in a harsh way.
I hate my mistress to the core, but I cannot get rid of her because she is my nominal mother.
The hatred is hard to die, so she and I are in the same place, but we each keep our distance.
Before I could take off my mourning clothes, on an ordinary afternoon in the summer when I was fifteen, someone came to the palace. They were not others, but Concubine Zhu and Concubine Dong.
The Crown Prince's close ministers and Empress Feng's close ministers came together with sad expressions on their faces. Something big had happened in Taiji Palace!
I rode to Taiji Palace on horseback without changing out of mourning clothes.
The Lord suffered from heatstroke and passed away.
The mountain collapsed.
Brother Yan is gone, Grandpa Li is gone...
God played a trick on me and I lost the bet.
My supporters fell one after another.
I lost all my money, was left with nothing, and was completely defeated.
From that day on, the rest of my life raced by, and all the painful memories became clearer and clearer, piercing my heart and aching my bones.
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