Return to the city
The chill wind of December whistled like a whistle, piercing my face like a knife. In this bleak season, a piece of news, like a stone dropped into a frozen lake, caused quite a stir in the educated youth camp—the Spring Festival was approaching, and a notice had been issued that the educated youth could return home to visit their families as per regulations and return after the New Year.
I can go home now!
This news sent nearly all the educated youth into a frenzy. Liu Xiaoling embraced Lin Xueyin, laughing and dancing. Wang Lina and Zhang Zhaodi also began excitedly planning what local specialties to bring back. Only Lin Xueyin, after her initial shock and a flicker of instinctive joy, was overwhelmed by a more complex mix of emotions.
She could go home. Back to the city where she had a soft bed, delicious meals, and her parents' warm embrace. She could leave the Red Flag Commune where she had suffered so much and had countless complicated memories.
But...what about Song Zhiyuan?
The thought popped up uncontrollably, shocking even her. She was actually thinking about this? Shouldn't she be desperate to get away from him?
On the evening of the day the notice came, Song Zhiyuan was still waiting under the old locust tree. The sky was gloomy and it looked like snow was about to fall.
Lin Xueyin walked up to him, and for the first time, she was a little afraid to look him in the eye. She whispered, "I... can go home for the New Year."
"Yeah." Song Zhiyuan's reaction was very calm, as if he had already known it. He looked at her lowered head and asked, "When are you leaving?"
"The day after tomorrow, the tractor will arrive in the county early in the morning and then transfer to the train."
"Have you bought your tickets?"
"Well, Captain Zhao helped to write the letters of introduction. Let's go buy them together."
The conversation was dry and filled with an inexplicable stagnation. Without the usual "teaching" and "flattering," only the fact of impending separation stood between them.
Song Zhiyuan was silent for a moment, then took out a flat small square box carefully wrapped in brown paper from the inside pocket of his military uniform and handed it to her.
"Here."
Lin Xueyin took it hesitantly, her hand sinking slightly. She raised her head and looked at him doubtfully.
"Eat it on the way, or take it home." His tone was still flat, but his eyes were deep, as if he wanted to carve her current appearance into his mind.
Lin Xueyin pinched the small square box, her fingertips feeling the hard mass inside. Was it a snack? Or...? She didn't open it right away, but whispered, "Thank you."
"When you get there, write me a letter." He added, giving an address in Beijing, his tone an unquestionable command, "Remember the address."
Lin Xueyin silently memorized the unfamiliar address, her heart aching. Was he... trying to maintain contact? Even when they were apart, he still wanted to keep track of her whereabouts.
The next day, Song Zhiyuan did not show up. It was said that he was temporarily assigned to the county to do some work.
Lin Xueyin packed her simple luggage and carefully placed the smooth pebble and the unopened brown paper package at the bottom. Looking at the empty bed and thinking about leaving tomorrow, she felt empty and unreal.
The next morning, tractor engines roared outside the commune compound. Educated youths, carrying large and small bags, beamed with the joy of returning home.
Lin Xueyin was the last one to get on the bus. She subconsciously looked back and saw that there was no one under the old locust tree shrouded in morning mist.
He didn't come.
She couldn't tell whether she felt lost or relieved. She averted her gaze and huddled in the corner of the bumpy truck, hugging her knees. The Red Flag Commune gradually receded from her sight, blurring into a gray shadow.
After several twists and turns, when the familiar city scene came into view, when the train puffed white steam into the platform, and when she saw her parents who were looking forward to seeing her on the platform and looked obviously older, Lin Xueyin finally couldn't help but burst into tears.
"Yinyin! My Yinyin!" Su Yuzhen hugged her daughter and cried uncontrollably. Lin Guodong stood by, his eyes red as he patted his daughter's back, his voice choked with sobs: "It's good that you're back, it's good that you're back..."
Back home, sitting on the soft sofa, drinking the hot soup her mother had cooked, Lin Xueyin felt as if she were in another world. Her parents surrounded her, looking at her with affection.
"You've become thinner and darker..." Su Yuzhen stroked her daughter's hand. Tears welled up in her eyes as she felt the marks that had turned into calluses. "Did you suffer a lot in the countryside? It's all because of your parents' incompetence..."
Lin Guodong took a deep breath, suppressing the sadness in his heart. He looked at his daughter's eyes, which seemed to contain many stories, and said in a deep voice, "Yinyin, don't be afraid. Dad has asked someone to find a way, and the paperwork is being processed. After the New Year, you don't have to go back! I've also arranged a job for you at the Post and Telecommunications Bureau. It's leisurely and close to home!"
This news exploded in Lin Xueyin's ears like a thunderclap.
No need to go back?
Can I leave Hongqi Commune forever, leave that land, and leave... him?
The immense, long-awaited sense of relief instantly enveloped her, nearly bringing her to tears of joy. She opened her mouth, wanting to loudly tell her parents, "That's wonderful!" and to throw herself into her mother's arms and confess all her grievances.
However, when the words came to his lips, he choked.
The tranquility of the mountain stream flashed before her eyes, as did his calm profile as he handed her the sweet potato, as did the warm pebble, as did the deep look in his eyes as he ordered her to write the letter... Even that night in the barn, between his heavy breathing, that suppressed whisper that seemed to carry some kind of confirmation...
An extremely complex emotion, like an overturned bottle of five flavors, surged in her heart.
Is it joy? Yes, she can finally escape from that suffocating environment and that distorted relationship.
Is it reluctance? It seems... a little bit. Is it reluctance to let go of that moment of peace? Or is it reluctance to let go of that slightly distorted, yet real, "stability" and "habit" in that relationship?
Is this a relief? Absolutely. But why, behind this relief, is there a sense of emptiness and confusion that even she herself cannot understand?
She looked at her parents' earnest and distressed eyes, and at this familiar and warm home. Finally, she suppressed all her turbulent emotions and forced a tired, yet relaxed smile.
"Dad, Mom, I'm in the countryside... Actually, it's okay. The brigade takes good care of me and doesn't let me do any heavy work..."
She avoided the important issues and concealed all the pain, humiliation, and the man she didn't know how to define.
However, in a corner where no one noticed, she quietly stroked the cold pebble at the bottom of her luggage, her mood as complicated as the chaotic snowflakes gradually floating outside the window.
The journey home is a warm harbor, but it is also the beginning of another inner storm.
The man far away in the Red Flag Commune was like a deep brand that did not fade away due to distance. Instead, at the moment when she thought she had gained freedom, it made her realize more clearly that some ties, once formed, are difficult to break easily.
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