respite
On the first day Song Zhiyuan left, Lin Xueyin woke up with a strange feeling of emptiness.
The dormitory was still filled with the laughter of Liu Xiaoling and others, the work at the radio station was still proceeding as usual, and the work in the fields was still in full swing.
But Lin Xueyin felt as if the entire Red Flag Commune suddenly became quieter and emptier. The omnipresent figure, the one she both feared and relied on, had vanished, along with his oppressive aura.
At first, she did feel a long-lost sense of relief. She didn't have to worry about him suddenly appearing beside her when she walked, didn't have to endure his gaze while she worked, and didn't have to guess which corner he would be waiting for her when she returned home at night.
She could breathe freely and daydream at will, without having to be prepared to deal with his sudden approach and those "teachings" that made her blush.
She even deliberately enjoyed this "freedom." After work that afternoon, she did not immediately return to the educated youth unit, but walked alone to the river and sat in the place where they had kissed that night.
The setting sun dyed the river a golden red, a gentle breeze rustled the willow branches, and all was quiet and peaceful. Without him around, the world seemed to have returned to its original state.
However, this sense of relief did not last long. As night fell, Lin Xueyin, sitting alone by the river, felt not freedom but an inexplicable loneliness.
The wind blew, and she subconsciously hugged her arms tightly, as if she was looking forward to a warm coat. The only sounds in her ears were the rushing water and the chirping of insects, but she couldn't help but recall his low, hoarse voice and his hot breath that night.
She began to recall uncontrollably. From the time he held her up when they first met at the train station, to his calm rescue efforts time and time again; from his calm questioning of Zhao Jianguo, to his towering figure at the criticism meeting;
From his clumsy handing of blankets and ointment to his forceful kisses and undeniable touches...
As the images flashed by, Lin Xueyin's heart became increasingly confused. She had to admit that the mark Song Zhiyuan had left on her life was far deeper than she had imagined.
He was like an impenetrable net, not only enveloping her in reality, but also entangled in her heart.
During the day, she heard some aunts and sisters in the village gossiping about Song Zhiyuan:
"Song Zhiqing looks unusual. He has such an air of presence, I'm afraid he came from a wealthy family in Beijing..."
"That's right, even Captain Zhao is three inches shorter than him. He has a very deep background!"
"Young people like this will definitely return to the city in the future. We can't keep them in this small place..."
These words were like tiny needles, gently piercing Lin Xueyin's heart. She suddenly woke up.
Yes, Song Zhiyuan's background is a mystery, and his origins are extraordinary. What are his feelings towards me? Is it a momentary desire for possession, or is he truly in love with me?
He was so strong, pressing forward step by step, leaving her almost no room for reflection, simply declaring his ownership with his actions. And she, in this half-hearted, panic-stricken state, gradually sank into it, allowing him to approach, and even began to respond to his kisses.
Is this kind of relationship normal? Is it healthy? Lin Xueyin asked herself. She found herself unable to answer. How well did she know him?
Apart from knowing that he was from Jing City, was very capable, had a deep background, and... he wanted her, she knew almost nothing about him.
There was a lack of normal understanding and adjustment between men and women. There was only his one-sided advancement and her passive acceptance.
This kind of intimacy that goes deep into the bones, built on such an unequal and opaque foundation, made Lin Xueyin feel a little scared.
She thought of her parents. They were introduced to each other, and they got together slowly after getting to know each other.
Although her father was a bit old-fashioned and her mother was a bit nagging, their relationship was solid and warm. And she and Song Zhiyuan... what was that?
No. This can't go on.
She needed space, time, and the ability to calmly think about their relationship, rather than continuing to indulge herself in his presence and control.
She was afraid that if this continued, she would completely lose herself and become a real bird in a cage who could not live without him.
But what could she do? Reject him? Escape from him? Lin Xueyin smiled bitterly. She had no doubt that as long as she was in the Red Flag Commune, she would never escape his control. His words, "Wait for me to come back," weren't just sweet nothings; they were orders.
At this moment, she thought of Uncle Chen Mingyuan in the county town.
Yes, go to the county town! Leave the Red Flag Commune, leave the area of his influence. Even if it's just for a few days. She needs this breathing space, she needs to be in an environment without him to figure out what she really wants.
Once this thought came into being, it became extremely strong.
She took immediate action, making an excuse that she felt "unwell and wanted to go to the county hospital," and asked for two days' leave from the cadre in charge of the daily management of the educated youth.
She didn't dare to say she was going to Chen Mingyuan's house, fearing that it would get to Song Zhiyuan's ears. Fortunately, she was popular in the commune and did appear delicate, so she had no problem getting leave.
The night before her departure, Lin Xueyin packed her simple luggage with mixed emotions. There was relief at the prospect of a temporary escape, but also trepidation about the unknown, and a subtle worry for the soon-to-be-returned man, a subtle worry she herself wouldn't admit.
But she shook off the worry. She told herself it was the right decision. She had to leave before he came back.
On the morning of the fourth day, just as the sky was getting light, Lin Xueyin, carrying a small bag, boarded the early morning tractor to the county town. Old Zhang was still cheerful, and the people on the tractor were still chatting and laughing during the bumpy ride.
She leaned against the edge of the truck bed, looking at the Red Flag Commune gradually disappearing into the distance behind her, shrouded in morning mist. She felt clearer and more resolute than she had in the past few months.
Song Zhiyuan, you are in control of everything.
But this time, I don't want to wait for you here.
The tractor bumped along, carrying Lin Xueyin, who had made up her mind, in a direction opposite to her inner turmoil.
She didn't know what consequences this escape would bring, but she knew that if she didn't go, she might never be able to see clearly into her own heart, and the relationship between them that seemed solid but actually had undercurrents.
At this moment, Song Zhiyuan, who had been fighting on the dike in the neighboring county for three days, was looking at the sky that was about to clear up and calculating his return journey.
He thought of the spoiled and stubborn little girl he had left in the commune, and her last panicked look of dependence, and his stern brows softened a little imperceptibly.
He looked forward to going back and continuing his "teaching" so that his little canary would get more used to his arms.
He didn't know yet that the bird he had carefully raised had already spread its wings for the first time and tried to fly out of the sky he had designated.
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