Chapter 85
"Dissociation is actually a common occurrence in life. Ordinary people may experience mild, short-term dissociative states in their daily lives. This is usually the brain's natural response to certain stressors, such as being in a daze, being angry and suddenly feeling relieved, or experiencing a disconnect between emotions and behavior after a slightly more serious sad event, where one should be sad but is actually calm. These are all dissociative phenomena, but they do not constitute illnesses."
"Dissociative amnesia generally involves forgetting traumatic events. As you said, he might not be able to recall the fact that his grandmother was 'fake'. If forced to recall it in certain situations, he might fall into extreme emotions such as fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, etc., and experience physical symptoms at the same time." Chen Qi raised his chin slightly towards Ling Yin. "You said he had remembered it before, right?"
"I don't know if this is the part he's forgotten," Ling Yin said slowly. "He told me about his mother, because she and grandma share the same name. The fact that his mother wanted to kill him and that grandma was a fake must have been discovered at the same time. But he only talked about his mother, and he got a little mad at me before he started. The second time was a few days ago. He was in a bad mood, and suddenly felt sleepy and slept for a long time."
Chen Qi lowered his eyes and thought: "Hmm."
Ling Yin suddenly remembered, "The first time his mother appeared in front of him, her mood was also off, but it was only for a moment, and then she recovered. Suddenly, she asked an irrelevant question. At first, I thought it was just her thinking that was jumping around."
"I still forgot." Chen Qi said: "Is there any similar phenomenon?"
"And then there was the time when he learned his father had a hereditary heart disease." Ling Yin recalled, only now realizing how much was wrong with Xingxing. He said, "It wasn't just any heart disease. Once it strikes, the life span is shortened. The chance of it being hereditary is very high. His other son was diagnosed with it. While we were waiting for the test results, we almost thought he had it, but other than falling asleep early, he didn't show any unusual emotions and never brought up the subject."
Chen Qi listened quietly.
Ling Yin said: "Sometimes he would burst into tears and he would find reasons to explain it."
"But you think it's not normal?" Chen Qi asked.
Ling Yin shook his head gently: "I don't know."
Chen Qi said, "Because he's been in a state of depression for a long time, I don't mean emotional repression, but his brain has expended a great deal of energy processing the trauma, helping him forget, and maintaining a superficial 'cheerful' and 'normal' appearance. It's normal to be a little vulnerable in this state. Being able to cry is a good thing. If he's constantly in a 'cold' state, like the time you mentioned when he thought he was sick, that's dangerous."
"He's probably very good at forgetting. If it weren't for the trauma, this could be considered a talent to some extent. But after the trauma, this so-called talent will cause him a lot of trouble. He will become dependent on this kind of forgetfulness. Over time, his memory will become confused, and it's not just a memory problem, as I just said."
"Anything else?" Ling Yin asked.
"In addition to drowsiness and habitual amnesia, dissociative amnesia may also be accompanied by emotional dissociation. He may also experience excessive stimulation in a short period of time, which may lead to post-traumatic stress reactions, cognitive dissonance, and complicated grief."
"As for the incident itself, it suddenly told him that the person closest to him had become the most unfamiliar person, and that frauds he had been unaware of had suddenly appeared everywhere over the past 18 years. What he faced was probably the dissolution of the past and the collapse of his narrative identity..."
With every word Chen Qi said, Ling Yin's breathing became more painful. He exhaled lightly, tilting his head uncomfortably to relax, and heard Chen Qi continue, "He's only nineteen. What does he have left now?"
Yes, he was only nineteen. If all his previous memories were denied and messed up, what would be left now? Just the few short months he and Xingxing had known each other?
"So the incident with his grandmother wasn't the biggest blow to him. He wasn't just facing the complete disappearance of his grandmother; the complete disappearance of his grandmother would also be accompanied by his own disappearance."
"He slept for a long time that day. After waking up," Ling Yin paused and said almost word by word, "Let me see if he is still there."
“…”
Chen Qi looked into the ward door for a while before patting Ling Yin. "Take your time. If he can remain 'normal' for so long in this state, he must be a very strong person. Anyone else would have collapsed long ago."
Ling Yin couldn't understand whether he was comforting him or stabbing him in the heart.
"If he's willing to receive treatment, please contact me as soon as possible," Chen Qi said. "It's still necessary to carefully ask the patient about their own feelings before making a judgment."
Ling Yin nodded.
Chen Qi also nodded, raised his foot and was about to walk away, but suddenly stopped.
"Also, he may be different now than before." Chen Qi looked at Ling Yin.
Ling Yin was stunned: "What's different?"
Chen Qi: "I don't know what kind of stimulation he suffered from his father, but he's obviously collapsed. If he wakes up, it may be difficult for him to maintain the cheerful and normal state you mentioned. He may also have a more serious reaction."
Ling Yin's throat tightened: "What?"
Chen Qi: "Because he's a patient now, even if no trauma occurs, the disease is still there, and it will bring about a series of chain reactions. For example, psychological function degeneration, memory confusion, emotional loss of control, behavioral withdrawal, and impaired social function. There is even the possibility of more obvious dissociative symptoms-"
Ling Yin looked at Chen Qi's extremely serious expression and felt a surge of fear. His heart was beating so fast that he could hardly breathe.
Chen Qi continued, "For example, personality disintegration, or reality disintegration."
Ling Yin: "What do you mean?"
Chen Qidao said: "Depersonalization means that one feels that one's emotions are unreal and that one is a bystander in one's own life. Reality disintegration is similar, except that the feeling of being unreal turns into the feeling that the world is unreal."
"In extreme cases, there may be a temporary tendency towards dissociative identity disorder, where the person suddenly speaks with a different tone and attitude, like a completely different person, and then can't remember it."
Ling Yin's expression changed slightly: "That's not..."
Chen Qi: "It's not split personality, it's just dissociative tendency. And this is an extreme case. Split personality is not that easy to get. What I said before is not certain. I just want to give you a shot in advance, just want to tell you-"
Chen Qi slowed his voice and warned, "Every symptom I mentioned may cause him great pain, and he may even lose control of his emotions."
Ling Yin nodded: "I understand."
"Do you really understand?" Chen Qi looked at him. "There have been many cases in the past. The family members who accompanied the victim initially thought they could tolerate and understand, but in reality, they couldn't stand it for long."
Ling Yin: "Why?"
"If he's no longer the cheerful and sunny person he used to be, and becomes anxious, depressed, irritable, numb, or even overreacts to any minor stimulus," Chen Qi paused. "Crying, screaming. Can you bear it?"
Ling Yin couldn't even think about whether he could bear it. He didn't dare to think about it at all. Just thinking about Xingxing being in such pain made his heart numb.
Seeing him silent, Chen Qi thought he was shocked by what he said, and worriedly warned: "This type of patient already has a hard time dealing with their own emotions, so they may not be able to take into account the emotions of those around them. No matter what, you must be tolerant. Even if you can't treat them gently, don't lose your temper. If these symptoms appear, don't be afraid. Contact me immediately, I will help him register, take the medicine if necessary, and see a doctor if necessary. Got it?"
Ling Yin said in a hoarse voice: "Hmm."
"Okay, I'm leaving then." Chen Qi waved his hand: "Contact me anytime."
It took a while for Ling Yin to realize that he had just stopped breathing unconsciously. He exhaled softly. While standing at the door to adjust his posture, he pondered Chen Qi's words.
The more he thought about it, the more unbelievable it became. He couldn't accept how a good person could become like this. He was so heartbroken that he couldn't bear to lose his temper at Xingxing.
After calming his breathing for a while, he turned around, pushed open the door of the ward and went in.
The boy was still lying peacefully on the bed. Ling Yin looked at the back of his furry head. He was quiet and well-behaved, even the back of his head was lovable.
After taking two steps, Ling Yin realized that something was wrong.
Why the back of the head?
He paused, and saw the head that emerged from the quilt move. Qu Xing withdrew his gaze from the side, turned his head, and met Ling Yin's gaze with his big, misty eyes.
Ling Yin: “…”
Qu Xing: “?”
Ling Yin stood there in a daze for a few seconds. So many things had happened in the past few days, and the amount of information he had received was so great that the last time he saw normal stars with their eyes open seemed like it was in his previous life.
He looked at Qu Xing in a daze, feeling that his eyes were different from what he had imagined - why was he so calm?
Qu Xing also stared at Ling Yin with his eyes wide open. He was a little confused by the current situation for a moment, and Ling Yin's surprise made him even more confused. After a long while, he asked doubtfully with a lack of confidence, "What are you doing?"
From head to toe, from expression to tone, everything looked normal. The imagined sadness or indifference did not exist at all.
Ling Yin blinked slightly, and walked over calmly, but his voice was a little hoarse: "Nothing."
Ling Yin sat down and touched the side of Qu Xing's face gently and lovingly, as if touching a lost treasure. "Are you feeling unwell anywhere?"
Qu Xing shook his head in a daze.
"I'll go call the doctor, baby." Ling Yin said softly, "Wait a moment."
Qu Xing nodded in confusion.
However, the next second, seeing Ling Yin stand up to leave, Qu Xing suddenly felt panicked and forgot what Ling Yin was going to do. He supported his hand and tried to stand up to stop him.
Ling Yin's face changed, and he hurriedly tried to help him: "Watch your hands!"
Needless to say, Qu Xing also felt his entire hand stiffen, unable to exert any strength. He rose only slightly before collapsing back down. His brain felt as if it had been stabbed, a sudden pain. Qu Xing froze, his right hand raised, his eyes filled with trembling fear.
Ling Yin then realized with a broken heart that he had been so calm because he had forgotten again.
He took Qu Xing's left hand and held it tightly, coaxing him soothingly, "It's okay, baby. The doctor said that as long as you do some rehabilitation, you'll be able to recover and continue playing. Let's just take a few months off."
Qu Xing stared at his hands.
Ling Yin whispered, "I'll go call the doctor. He'll be right back, okay?"
Qu Xing, however, seemed not to hear, staring at his right hand, which was firmly fixed from the back of his hand to the wrist by the protective gear. He stared at his hand, which had suddenly changed, as if he was completely unaware, yet as if he knew everything. The light in his eyes fled with his owner's uneasiness and fear. Ling Yin let out a breath of pain, gently rubbed Qu Xing's face, and said softly, "Xingxing, Xingxing. It's okay." He slowly turned Qu Xing's head towards him: "Look at me."
Qu Xing withdrew his gaze from his hands and obediently looked at Ling Yin. Through his unfocused, unclear vision, he saw Ling Yin's face. At first, he could only see this blurry but beautiful face. Then Qu Xing slowly began to see more clearly. He saw the heartache that Ling Yin, despite trying hard to suppress it, still shone through his eyes, as if it was even more painful and uncomfortable than his own.
Qu Xing was stunned again.
"It's okay, your hand will be fine." Ling Yin looked at him carefully and said softly, "I'm here with you."
Qu Xing put aside the chaos in his mind. He felt so distressed just by looking at Ling Yin like this that tears fell. Finally, Qu Xing said in a slightly hoarse voice, "Ling Yin, don't be sad."
“…”
Ling Yin lowered his head suddenly to hide his disordered breathing. He buried his head slightly in Xingxing. Although there was a quilt between them, the burning love still made the other person tremble all over.
Such a star, who suffers so quietly even when he is in pain, and who wants to comfort others even when he is in the most pain, will always be pitied. Who would have the heart to lose his temper with him?
"Okay." Ling Yin raised his head, leaned over and kissed his forehead: "I'm not uncomfortable."
Qu Xing waited until Ling Yin left a little before looking at him, his eyes curved slightly as if in a teasing manner.
"Lie to me."
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