Chapter 115 Refusal: The Art of Saying 'No'
Wang Qiang's family can be described as destitute.
When the police arrived, Wang Qiang's elderly grandmother, her back hunched, her cloudy eyes filled with despair and numbness, said, "I can't do anything about it, I can't do anything about it. His father died young, his mother remarried, and I'm old and useless..."
Wang Qiang's report was alarming, highlighting factors influencing crime such as "broken families," "early school dropouts," "lack of guardianship and guidance," "long-term social marginalization," and "the formation of antisocial behavior patterns."
Jiang Ling squatted down beside the old woman and said gently, "Grandma, Wang Qiang made a mistake and must face legal punishment. But he's still young. If someone can help him out after he gets out, teach him a trade, give him a place to live, and have someone keep an eye on him, he might still have a chance to get back on the right path. If we leave him alone, he'll only sink deeper into trouble, and you don't want him to end up like this..."
The old man gripped Jiang Ling's arm tightly with his withered hands, tears streaming down his face: "Girl, please help Qiangzi, I beg you, please help this wretched child!"
Jiang Ling turned to look at Ying Xuanji.
Ying Xuanji walked to the old man's side: "Don't worry, we'll take care of him. He's only 17, anything is possible. You take good care of yourself, at least let him have someone to look forward to, right?"
The old man nodded repeatedly: "Thank you, thank you all. I thought that with Qiangzi like this, our family was finished. I never expected that the government would still remember me and help Qiangzi. You are police officers and teachers, you must know more than I do. I will listen to you! I will live, I must live, I want to see Qiangzi walk the right path, walk the right path..."
As they left Wang Qiang's house, Ying Xuanji and Jiang Ling exchanged a glance, both seeing in each other a sense of responsibility and compassion for the world.
Ying Xuanji said, "Paying more attention to vulnerable groups can reduce the crime rate."
Jiang Ling hummed in agreement. "I'll talk to the local police station and neighborhood committee later, and ask them to deliver rice, flour, and oil to Wang Qiang's grandmother regularly, check on her health, and keep Wang Qiang informed about the family's situation. His antisocial behavior is starting to take shape, but he's only 17, so there's still time to correct it. Only by making him feel that there is still hope in life, that society is still warm, and that his family cares about him can he be successfully reformed."
Ying Xuanji patted Jiang Ling on the shoulder: "Let's go! To the next one."
Li Wei's parents were honest, hardworking workers. When they talked about their son, their faces were full of worry and confusion: "This child has always been timid and withdrawn since he was little. How could he have gone along to beat people up?"
Jiang Ling took out Li Wei's report and explained how factors such as "introverted and self-conscious personality", "lack of independent thinking", "weak family emotional support" and "susceptibility to group influence" caused him to lose his judgment under group pressure.
“Li Wei himself did not have deep malicious intent, but he desperately needed friends and was terrified of being isolated. If his family could have given him more security and the school could have helped him build confidence and learn to say 'no,' perhaps the tragedy could have been avoided. What he needs most now is not scolding, but guidance and support to help him understand what is right and how to stand up for himself.”
Looking at the report and then at Li Wei, who was bowing his head and remaining silent, Li Wei's parents realized for the first time their son's inner fragility and their own negligence.
Mr. Li sighed deeply and rubbed his stiff face with his hands: "I...we'll give it a try."
With tears welling up in her eyes, Li's mother said, "We are honest people, always kind to others, and never hesitate to help neighbors in need. We don't even know how to say 'no,' how can we teach our children?"
Ying Xuanji is a psychology expert, so she knows that there are several underlying reasons why honest people don't know how to refuse others: First, fear of being rejected or having conflict; second, low self-esteem, feeling that they can only be accepted by pleasing others; third, a lack of role models and skills for refusing; fourth, excessive consideration for the feelings of others; and fifth, catastrophic imagination of the consequences of refusing.
But how should we give direct advice to Li Wei's confused parents?
Ying Xuanji decided to start by communicating with Li Wei's parents to find out the reason: "Do you know why Li Wei is afraid to say 'no'?"
Li's mother raised her head, wiped away her tears, and a glimmer of light appeared in her pitiful eyes.
She is the eldest sister in her family. From a young age, her parents taught her to be honest, obedient, hardworking, and diligent. Sometimes, when her parents, younger siblings, or other relatives make unreasonable demands, she really wants to refuse, but for some reason, she always feels insecure and can't bring herself to say "no."
Although she reluctantly agreed, she always regretted it afterward, and she really hated her cowardly personality.
Why is Xiaowei afraid to say "no"? Li's mother also wants to know the answer to this question.
Ying Xuanji noticed the thirst for knowledge in Li's mother's eyes and slowed down her speech.
"The first reason is the fear of offending people, the fear of not fitting in, and to put it bluntly, the fear of being rejected by everyone. Li Wei probably feels that saying 'no' will upset his friends, that he will be isolated, and that no one will play with him anymore. He values having friends very much and is afraid of losing the warmth of the group. Just like adults sometimes feel embarrassed to refuse relatives from lending money, children are also afraid of being kicked out of their circle of friends."
Hearing this, the light in Li's mother's eyes grew even brighter, and she nodded repeatedly: "Yes, yes, that's exactly it. My brother borrowed money last time saying he wanted to buy a house. Actually, I didn't want to lend it to him, since my own family doesn't even have a house yet. But I was afraid my family would scold me, afraid they would say I was heartless, afraid they would abandon me."
A hint of pity appeared in Ying Xuanji's eyes.
She is also a woman, so of course she knows the significance of her family to many married women—they are the greatest support in life, the pillars of strength when encountering difficulties, and the refuge when she can no longer live with her husband's family.
But what they don't know is that some of their family members exploit this psychological weakness, becoming endless vampires, constantly demanding money and energy.
Ying Xuanji did not rush to give Li's mother advice on life, but continued to focus on Li Wei's education.
"Secondly, feeling unimportant and that his words are useless is a sign of a lack of self-confidence and low self-worth. Li Wei is introverted and may not receive much praise or attention in his daily life. Deep down, he feels that his voice is insignificant and that no one will listen to him if he speaks, which would only make him seem like a 'troublemaker' or a 'disappointment.' He feels that compliance is safe, at least he won't be noticed or criticized."
Upon hearing this, Mr. Li felt a surge of warmth in his heart, as if the university professor in front of him had completely expressed his inner feelings.
He was just an ordinary worker, not particularly handsome, who honestly and dutifully went to work and rarely expressed his opinions. His colleagues nicknamed him "Old Man Who Doesn't Speak." Whenever he wanted to say "no," he would open his mouth, then realize that no one cared and no one was willing to listen to him, so he would shut up again. Over time, he became increasingly quiet.
This time, Li's father also didn't say anything, but he pricked up his ears, wanting to hear what Ying Xuanji would say next and how to deal with such a situation.
"Third, they don't know how to say no. Honest kids are often not good at expressing their opinions. They don't know how to refuse without making the other person feel too uncomfortable, while still maintaining their own bottom line. They may feel that saying it directly is too harsh or hurtful, but they can't find any other way, so they simply don't say it. It's like when we sometimes want to refuse someone, but we swallow the words back because we're afraid of saying it wrong."
At this, both of Li's parents nodded emphatically. They were both clumsy with words, only knowing how to do things, not how to express themselves. Ying Xuanji's words, ostensibly directed at Li Wei, felt like they were all referring to them.
"Fourth, they care too much about other people's feelings and neglect their own. Kind and sensitive children are easily aware of other people's emotions and are afraid that their refusal will disappoint or upset the other person. They put other people's feelings before their own, and would rather feel wronged and uncomfortable than make others uncomfortable. This is actually a kind intention, but it is used in the wrong way."
Upon hearing this, Li's mother's tears flowed again.
Her lips trembled as she gripped her husband's arm tightly, sobbing as she said, "Yes, yes, that's it."
When her younger brother asked her for money, she could hear his excitement about buying a house and his anticipation for the future. Even though she was worse off than him, she just couldn't bring herself to refuse, worried that doing so would hurt him.
Finally, someone understood her, and Li's mother cried even harder.
Later, Li's father also burst into tears.
Ying Xuanji waited a while until they calmed down a bit before continuing her analysis.
"Fifth, he's gotten used to being obedient and having his way. You two are usually busy with work, so your family is probably used to the 'obedient child is a good child' model. Xiaowei is also quiet and unassuming at school, used to not being noticed and not expressing his opinions. Over time, he has lost the courage and habit of saying no, and feels that being obedient and compliant is the right and safe thing to do."
The tears that Li's father and mother had managed to hold back flowed again.
Mr. Li said in a hoarse voice, "Professor, what you said really resonated with me. Please tell me, what should we do?"
Ying Xuanji looked at Jiang Ling: "As for suggestions, let my student tell you."
Jiang Ling knew that the teacher was testing her, so she accepted the task without hesitation and looked at the two honest people in front of her with tears in their eyes.
Having had experience dealing with Chen Anping, Jiang Ling's voice was gentle and warm: "First of all, I suggest you praise your child more so that he feels precious, which will boost his confidence and sense of self-worth."
When it comes to praising their child, Li's parents are somewhat at a loss. They grew up under a strict, repressive upbringing and are used to being scolded by their parents. After Li Wei was born, they rarely scolded him, but they also praised him very little, always feeling that words of praise would be too much to ask.
Li's mother stammered, "How...how should I praise him? His grades? Xiaowei's grades are just average, there's nothing to praise him for."
Jiang Ling wasn't impatient. Instead, she smiled and said, "It's very simple. Don't just look at grades. If a child helps take out the trash, tidies up the table, or even just stays quiet and doesn't cause trouble, you can sincerely praise them: 'Xiao Wei is so sensible, knowing how to help adults.' or 'The house is so tidy today, all thanks to you.'"
Seeing that Li's mother was still a little confused, Jiang Ling explained more clearly: "You should praise specific actions, not just say things like 'You're great,' 'You're good,' or 'You're very good.' You should say things like, 'You just helped Mom carry the groceries, that's so kind of you,' or 'Your teacher said you listened attentively in class today, and Mom and Dad are so happy.' You need to let him know that you see the little things he does and the good qualities he has, and that he is a valuable person."
Li's mother understood.
Her eyes shone with a gentle light: "My Xiaowei, although his grades aren't good, is really filial. He knows how to care for us. As soon as we call him to eat, he immediately sets the table and gets the bowls and chopsticks. He often does housework, sweeping, washing dishes, hanging clothes... He takes the initiative to do anything we see, without us having to ask him."
Jiang Ling said, "That's right. You see, the child is diligent, knows how to appreciate his parents' hard work, and takes the initiative to do housework. These are all very good qualities. You should praise him more."
Li's mother shoved Li's father: "Did you hear that?"
Mr. Li gave a simple "Oh," and after a long pause, he finally said, "I, I'll give it a try."
Seeing that the "praise" approach was accepted, Jiang Ling immediately offered her second suggestion: "Let him make decisions about small things at home as much as possible. For example, if you buy potatoes in the evening, you can ask him, 'Xiaowei, do you want stir-fried potato shreds or braised pork with potatoes for dinner? It's up to you!' or 'Should we go to the park this weekend or stay home and watch TV? You choose one.' This way, you can build his confidence and let him understand from small things that 'my opinion is important to my parents.'"
This time, it was Mr. Li's turn to look at Mrs. Li: "You do this."
In the family, Li's mother basically made the decisions on everything, big or small.
After thinking for a moment, Li's mother tried hard to remember what Jiang Ling had said: "Okay, I'll ask Xiao Wei for his opinion more often in the future and listen to him."
Jiang Ling was very happy to see how seriously Li Wei's parents were trying to change things.
“You can practice at home first. For example, let Dad play the classmate, ‘Xiaowei, come to the arcade with me after school?’ Mom teaches Xiaowei to say, ‘Thank you for calling me, but I have to go home and do my homework first,’ or ‘Sorry, my mom wants me to go straight home after school.’ Practice a few times to let him get used to the feeling, so that he won’t find it difficult to refuse.”
Li's mother nodded repeatedly and looked at her husband: "Did you hear that? If your colleagues invite you to drink in the future, just say I'm asking you to go home. Just push it onto me, that way they won't scold you."
Jiang Ling smiled brightly at Li's mother: "By the way, you are very smart, you grasped the key points immediately."
When praised, Li's mother's face lit up and her cheeks flushed slightly.
Jiang Ling said, "There is another method, which is called the 'sandwich method'." Seeing that Li's father and mother were confused, she suddenly realized that perhaps they did not know what a sandwich was.
Jiang Ling explained, "A sandwich is a kind of snack, with an egg, vegetables, and meat sandwiched between two slices of bread."
Li's mother said "Oh, oh" twice, "It's a pie."
If it had been someone else explaining what a sandwich was to her, Li's mother would have blushed, feeling utterly uncultured and ignorant. But Jiang Ling and Ying Xuanji were so kind and gentle, every word they spoke was so soothing, that Li's mother unconsciously relaxed and answered their questions readily.
Jiang Ling nodded: "Yes, it's like a pie. Aren't pies usually three-layered? We talk like that too. The first layer is to express affirmation or gratitude. No matter what the other person says, you say thank you first. Even if your brother borrows money, you can say, 'Thank you for treating me like family and knowing to come to me when you encounter difficulties.'"
Upon hearing the mention of her younger brother borrowing money, Li's mother's interest immediately surged even stronger: "Great! First, I'll acknowledge and thank you; I'll do that. And the second point?"
Jiang Ling said, "The second level is to just say 'but' and add a simple reason. For example, as you just mentioned, you can give the reason to your family. 'But my mom told me to go home after school,' or 'But I haven't finished my homework yet,' and so on."
Li's mother's eyes lit up: "If my brother borrows money, I'll say: Thank you for thinking of your sister when you need something, but we just bought a TV and we don't have any money on hand."
Jiang Lingchong gave her a thumbs up: "Yes! That's exactly it. You can also complain about your troubles, say that you're both workers, with low wages, high expenses, and a difficult life."
Li's father couldn't help but speak up, "Saying it like that will still offend people."
Jiang Ling said, "So there's a third layer. Remember to give yourself a little something in return and leave yourself some leeway. For example, say, 'Let's make an appointment next time,' or 'See you at school tomorrow.'"
Li's mother pondered for a moment: "Then...should I tell my brother that I have another hundred yuan on hand, which is a secret stash I've been saving without telling Old Li, and give it to him to tide him over? Since my brother has asked, it wouldn't be good not to give him a single penny, but I can't come up with too much either, so giving him a little would be a token of my appreciation?"
It must be said that Li's mother is indeed a smart woman; she understands things very quickly.
Jiang Ling smiled brightly, and her tone became much more relaxed: "That's right, exactly! When refusing someone, look them in the eye and be gentle yet firm. Don't let them think you're weak and easily bullied; even when you refuse, there should be room for negotiation."
Mr. and Mrs. Li exchanged a glance, realizing this would be quite challenging. They were both hesitant to look people in the eye, and felt guilty when refusing them.
Jiang Ling saw through it and said gently, "Don't be afraid to refuse others. Think about it, when they make requests, don't they know it will put you in a difficult position? Why do they still ask even though they know it will put you in a difficult position? This shows that they don't care about your feelings at all. Since they don't care about you, why should you care so much about them?"
Li's mother remained silent.
When her younger brother asked to borrow money, he probably knew about her situation. She and Lao Li were both workers with low wages, living in a dormitory-style apartment building allocated by their work unit, sharing a kitchen and toilet with three other families. The conditions were harsh, and they dreamed of moving to a better place. She did have some savings, but those were all painstakingly accumulated bit by bit.
How could he dare to ask for 10,000 yuan so readily?
Didn't he know that all her savings combined didn't even amount to ten thousand?
He even made me borrow it. Why should I?
Feeling increasingly aggrieved, Li's mother took a deep breath, looked up at her husband, and said with a face full of guilt, "Old Li, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lent the money to my brother. He... I know he won't pay it back, but I don't know why I couldn't say no at the time."
Mr. Li patted the back of her hand and sighed, "From now on, we'll be more careful."
Li Wei only participated in the destruction but did not directly injure anyone. His crime was only considered serious at 2 points, and he has the opportunity to return to school and continue his life. In addition, with the love and support of his parents, Jiang Ling is still confident about his future.
He added some more instructions: "Talk to him more often, even if it's just small talk, listen to his voice, encourage him to express different opinions, encourage him to play with children his own age, and support him in developing his personal hobbies..."
Mr. and Mrs. Li nodded repeatedly, and even took out a notebook, saying they would write it down.
Finally, Ying Xuanji said earnestly, "The key point is that parents should set an example and stop being 'yes-men' and bravely express themselves. Your family of three is the warmest and safest harbor; you don't need to please others."
Li's mother held Ying Xuanji's hand tightly, unwilling to let go for a long time: "Professor, you are all good people, I will listen to you! If my Xiaowei becomes successful in the future, I will come to Kyoto to find you and kowtow to you!"
After leaving the Li family's house and arriving at Zhao Xiaopeng's house, my good mood from before vanished.
Zhao Xiaopeng's home was dilapidated and reeked of alcohol. His father, drunk and swearing, refused to communicate, making door-to-door inquiries impossible; the only recourse was to gather information from neighbors and the community.
Zhao Xiaopeng's report highlighted heartbreaking factors such as "domestic violence," "survival difficulties," "lack of education," and "dependence on bad peers." Jiang Ling deeply felt that for this child, survival and escaping violence were instincts, and there was no question of choice.
During each home visit, Jiang Ling meticulously recorded the details, continuously enriching and improving each person's "Individual Crime Risk Assessment Report".
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