Has she fallen for someone else? These days, she's only moved by other people's love, but she doesn't believe she'll ever be loved again, and she won't fall in love easily.
She knew all too well that being in royalty meant even discussing love was a luxury.
She didn't respond, but he didn't mind, as long as she was listening. So Hongli continued, "Actually, I wanted to tell you last night that many things are not as they seem. I kept you in the manor not because of the child. Even if you weren't pregnant, I would never let you leave."
The day you got off the carriage, I didn't stop you because Li Yu and the guards were outside, and they wouldn't let you go far.
Later, my mother asked me to bring Jin Minjing back, but I refused because of you. I didn't want to disappoint you again! But I was unwilling to admit that, for the sake of my so-called face, I didn't tell the truth and only used the child as an excuse.
The reason I was so cold to you was because you left without saying goodbye, breaking my heart. I felt I shouldn't love you anymore, shouldn't be good to you anymore. I deliberately ignored you to let you know that if you don't add oil, the wick will go out.
His words were affectionate and moving, but they could no longer touch her heart; they were only pleasing to the ear, not to the soul. Only the last sentence resonated with Su Yushan.
"You're right, the wick will go out."
Her heart, too, had once abandoned principles and her own notions, beating passionately for him. But later, the devastating snowmelt of disappointment poured down on her, completely extinguishing her last vestige of passion. The wick was extinguished, and it was impossible to rekindle it.
"I thought so too, but later I realized that once the thread of emotion is stretched too far, it grows wings and becomes difficult to control. For example, longing; even though I want to hide it, it grows wildly. Even if you leave me without mercy, I still miss you. Even if I uproot that aster, I can't uproot the flower of love you planted in my heart."
Now I finally understand that my lamp's wick will never go out; like my heart, it will forever beat and burn for you, endlessly, until I pass away!
Unfortunately, no matter how solemn his vow was, Su Yushan could no longer respond. "From the day I came back, I told you that I came back for the sake of the child. I have no heart left!"
Even at this moment, Hongli still believed that she was just being stubborn with him, and that there was still a possibility of mending the rift between them.
"Yushan, I admit that I did hurt you, but when you left without saying goodbye, did you ever think about how I felt during those months? As a prince, I had so many women in my harem, and I could have indulged myself, but I didn't touch any of them, just because you wanted the only one."
Even though you're gone, I'm angry, confused, and hateful for your heartlessness, yet I still can't forget you. Every word you said is deeply etched in my mind; I even remember the tone of your voice when you said it! My feelings for you haven't faded with time; on the contrary, they've only grown deeper!
She kept her back to him, so he couldn't see her expression; it was as if she were performing a monologue. Yet, he still held onto a sliver of hope and softly voiced the longing in his heart.
"Yushan, we've both hurt each other unintentionally, yet we still can't let go and still love each other deeply. So let's stop worrying about who was right and who was wrong, and consider it even. Can we put aside our past grievances, stop worrying about who was right and who was wrong, and start over?"
Even things out? The wounds will only get deeper; there's no way to even them out.
She no longer wanted to bother thinking about how to answer, and asked bluntly, "Does Fourth Master want to hear the truth, or just polite words?"
"Of course it's the truth, I just want to hear you tell the truth!" He wasn't afraid of the truth being hurtful, he was just afraid that she would hide her true feelings from him.
Since he made this choice, she no longer held back. "To be honest, we can't go back! I can't love you as unconditionally as before."
Even though she no longer cared about this man, her nose still stung with tears when she said those words.
All the sweet memories of the past rushed back, mixed with the wounds inflicted by each other, making it all seem particularly ironic.
Everyone says that time is a good medicine that can soothe wounds, but no one mentions that the scars left behind, even after the scabs fall off and the skin is smoothed out, are still different from other skin.
The different colors constantly reminded her not to repeat the same mistake!
Although Su Yushan's words pierced his heart like a sharp blade, causing him almost suffocation, he still managed to recover. He repeatedly reminded himself that she was right in front of him, not far away, and that he could reach out and touch her if he did. He must not stop now, and he must not cut off the only possibility between them.
She was just too afraid of being hurt by him to give her whole heart again; it wasn't that she truly had no feelings for him.
Comforting himself in this way, Hongli was able to suppress his bitterness, face the blade in her hand, and bravely step towards her.
“I understand, I understand your concerns. It’s alright, I don’t mind if you hold back a little, as long as you’re willing to live a good life with me. I don’t ask you to love me wholeheartedly, even just a little bit, I’ll be content and have no complaints.”
A fraction? But she wasn't even willing to give him half a fraction of her sincerity. He was always like this: when he was nice to someone, he was all sweetness and tenderness, pampering and spoiling them; but if a single word didn't suit his taste, he would ruthlessly shoot an arrow at them, disregarding any feelings, and then claim it was just a momentary impulse, not his true intention.
With this going on and on, whose sincerity can withstand such abuse?
She had been through too much, her heart was already bleeding from his abuse, and her last bit of courage had been worn away, so she dared not trust him anymore.
She closed her eyes briefly and said wearily, "I'm very sleepy and want to rest."
Although he didn't get the answer he wanted, Hongli was still relieved. At least she didn't reject him outright. Did that mean he still had hope and that there was still room for negotiation?
Thinking of this possibility, his anxious heart calmed down temporarily, and he coaxed softly, "Okay, you're sleepy, go to sleep first. You don't need to rush to give me an answer. You can think about it slowly. I'll wait."
After washing up, Hongli walked towards the tent, taking each step carefully, as if even the wind could disturb her.
He tiptoed into the tent, slowly lifting the corner of the blanket to lie down behind her. He lifted his head and gently embraced her. She thought he would, like before, misbehave and cover her breasts with his hands, but he didn't. His palms slowly moved down to her slightly protruding belly, gently stroking it and carefully feeling it.
"Yushan, this... is our child, our flesh and blood."
He had always wanted to hold her like this, to feel her and the child's presence, but before, he had always pretended to be indifferent and never wanted to say a gentle word to her.
Looking back now, he hated himself even more. Why hadn't he confessed his feelings to her the day she returned? He loved her so deeply, so why did he have to say such hurtful things against his will, to the point that now, even though he's tearing his heart out, she no longer dares to believe him?
This is probably what they mean by reaping what you sow!
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