"I really can't drink it," Qian Shengyan said helplessly.
Yinzhen's body trembled, but he still stubbornly tried to feed her the porridge: "You haven't eaten for two days, so please eat a little bit."
Qian Shengyan still refused: "I would like to be by myself for a while."
Yinzhen suddenly gripped the bowl in his hand tightly, then slowly loosened his grip.
He put the porridge aside, didn't say anything, and refused to leave, just sat there with his lips pursed.
Qian Shengyan knew that Yinzhen was probably a little unhappy, but she really didn't have the energy to coax him at the moment. After thinking about it, she simply started crying again.
Yinzhen turned around abruptly and glanced at her, wanting to say something, but he didn't say anything. After a moment, he got up and moved away from the bedside, but he refused to go out. He just sat on the small couch by the window and looked at her from afar.
In fact, Qian Shengyan had already cried most of her tears. She couldn't quite describe her emotions, but she really wanted to be alone for a while.
Since Yinzhen had distanced himself, Qian Shengyan simply pretended he didn't exist. She turned over and faced away from the outside of the bed, her fingers unconsciously picking at the carvings on the edge of the bed, her mind completely blank.
She could find many reasons to excuse this, such as that the child should never have existed in history, and that even Folgochun was exceptionally lucky; she really shouldn't have been greedy.
She could blame Yinzhen, blame Lady Nian, blame those who failed to protect her, but so what?
The child is gone.
Qian Shengyan closed her eyes and finally understood why some people avoid facing reality.
Because really thinking about these things really... hurts, hurts so much.
Let's just go to sleep. If we're asleep, we won't have to face it. Let her... be weak this once, and escape this once.
From that day on, Qian Shengyan was in a daze, sleeping and waking up every day. When she was awake, it was mostly to see the children.
Hongli was already old enough to understand. He knew his younger brother was gone, and his mother was heartbroken. He even regretted not insisting on staying to protect his mother that day. When he first came to see Qian Shengyan, this little man, who considered himself all grown up, still shed tears. Qian Shengyan had no choice but to hold him and comfort him for a long time before he calmed down a bit.
But after this incident, Hongli visibly grew up. He used to be a timid little boy, but now he really looks like a young boy.
Qian Shengyan felt very sorry for her, but there was nothing she could do. Fortunately, her daughter was still as well-behaved and cute as ever, but she was still so silly that she remembered that her mother was not feeling well and could not hold her.
Little Foerguchun didn't quite understand what pregnancy was. She only knew that her mother couldn't hold her and that she was lying in bed, which meant she was sick. Plus, her brother was crying, so the little girl grinned and became the one crying the loudest in the whole room.
Because Qian Shengyan was busy coaxing Hongli, her father took Fuerguochun out to play. After playing for a while, the little girl picked a bunch of flowers and came back happily.
That's good.
Qian Shengyan miscarried due to a violent impact from an external force. She was already weak and in a bad mood, so she didn't seem very energetic. She spent her days lying in bed either in a daze or sleeping. Except when she saw her children, she had no expression at all.
She ate very little but slept a lot. In just half a month, Qian Shengyan lost a lot of weight. She looked tiny when she sat on the bed wrapped in the quilt, which always made Yinzhen feel sad.
Qingxue's health has improved a lot. She only has superficial injuries and will be fine after half a month of rest. Now she is only worried about Qian Shengyan, both about her condition and about her relationship with Yinzhen.
After thinking it over, Qingxue took advantage of a moment when no one was around to offer a few words of advice: "We know that our mistress is sad, but... we shouldn't have neglected the prince..."
Heaven knows that every time the prince sat on the small couch and looked at Qian Shengyan from afar, he looked so pitiful that Qingxue couldn't bear to look at him.
Qian Shengyan sighed, "I just..."
"This servant knows that you must be very upset, mistress," Qingxue said cautiously. "Perhaps... you might blame the prince for summoning Lady Nian to the estate?"
Qian Shengyan shook her head.
Although she sometimes complained when things got irrational, she understood why Yinzhen made that choice, and she believed that if Yinzhen had known that Lady Nian had gone mad, he certainly wouldn't have called her up to the estate.
Qingxue secretly breathed a sigh of relief, but then asked, "Then Master..."
“I don’t know either,” Qian Shengyan said, hanging her head. “I just… don’t know what I should do.”
After hearing this, Qingxue also stood up sadly.
Yes, what can we... do?
She hesitated for a moment, then suggested, "How about... how about this servant accompanies you, mistress, to copy some sutras for rebirth..."
She couldn't finish her sentence. Qian Shengyan just smiled upon hearing this, but after sitting there for a moment, she replied, "Alright then, I wish him/her well..."
Before she could finish speaking, Qingxue looked over in confusion, and Qian Shengyan smiled again.
May she be reborn into another era, the era she traveled from, where she would be much freer and happier than here.
After copying scriptures for another half month, Qian Shengyan's postpartum period was over. Moreover, it was almost April, and Kangxi would not postpone his trip to Rehe because of an unborn grandson. They still needed to pack up and return to the capital before heading to Rehe with the main army.
She had people keep an eye on Hongli and Foerguochun, forbidding them from coming over. Then, together with Qingxue, she found a secluded place and, bit by bit, burned the half-person-high Rebirth Sutra to ashes.
Since we were not destined to be mother and child in this life, let us hope for an afterlife...
Qian Shengyan, with tears streaming down her face, watched the wind sweep away the last bit of ashes, then closed her eyes.
goodbye……
Qingxue silently stayed with Qian Shengyan, but neither of them noticed that not far away, Yinzhen and Su Peisheng were watching.
Su Peisheng sighed inwardly. Yinzhen watched Qian Shengyan and Qingxue leave, then turned back to Su Peisheng and said, "Bring the scriptures I've been copying recently, and burn them here as well."
"Yes, Your Highness." Su Peisheng nodded in response and quickly brought over two wooden boxes. Yinzhen did not rely on others and burned the scriptures he had written, one scroll at a time, right where Qian Shengyan had just burned the scriptures.
Before returning to Beijing, Qian Shengyan went to check on the fields at the estate one last time. The corn had already been planted, and the potatoes and sweet potatoes had sprouted tender little shoots. Qian Shengyan then gave a few more instructions to the people looking after the fields and put raising chickens on the agenda.
After saying everything, Qian Shengyan turned around and saw Yinzhen standing not far away.
He seems to be doing this lately; wherever she goes, he arrives shortly after, but he doesn't approach her, only watching from afar.
Qian Shengyan sighed inwardly, cursing this damned feudal society once more. But this time, she still walked over and gave Yinzhen a slight curtsy, though before her knees even bent, he took her hand, just as he had done before.
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