Chapter 40: Wanting a Girl's Touch
Others don't understand Xiao Yu, but Ah Fu has been with him for a long time. It's no exaggeration to say that he knows him best. He also knows that he has an unusual fear of darkness and confined spaces.
And I know that when he faces this kind of fear, he never thinks of escaping, but of overcoming it.
In order to overcome his fear, he would deliberately lock himself in a small dark space again and again, torturing himself again and again, and adapting again and again.
He felt that as long as he could get used to the pain, he would no longer have any fear of darkness and confinement.
In the past few years, he had to train himself almost every few days. Every time he trained, he would choose daytime, block out all the light around him, and then hold on until he could no longer.
Later, this method really worked. He could often sit quietly alone in a dark little room, no longer shaking or crying.
But Ah Fu didn't know whether he had overcome it or just endured it.
Because I have been traveling abroad for the past two years, I have trained less frequently. Now it suddenly started again, maybe it’s in the tomb... Ah Fu shook his head and left with Shao Mingjie.
The young master has a very stubborn temper and no one can persuade him.
The footsteps outside the door faded away, and Xiao Yu's world became quieter and quieter.
He lay down on the bed, closed his eyes, and imagined himself in a small, dark room.
A damp and musty woodshed, or a locked, old wardrobe...
He seemed to hear a child crying and a woman cursing.
The familiar feeling of fear came over him again, like the cold and submerged sea water or the tangled and sticky vines, suppressing his mind and body tightly.
"Mother, Mother, I was wrong... I won't run around anymore. Please let me out!"
"Mother, my son is afraid..."
"Mother, are you still outside? Mother!"
"Who's still out there?! Can anyone hear me?! I'm still here, let me out!"
…
"How dare you sneak out to play! Do you know who you are? You evil creature! It's you who caused your mother to end up like this today!"
"Go to hell! I don't want to see you again in my life!"
"You monster, you freak! You're definitely not my biological son. It was that woman, Concubine Mei, who framed me and exchanged my biological son for a freak bastard from outside! It must be you!"
"Monster... Monster! Just looking at you makes me sick! Stay in there forever and don't come out!"
…
The abusive female voice gradually faded away, but the silence made him even more terrified.
He slammed the locked cabinet door over and over again, his palms turned red and bleeding, and his throat was so sore that he couldn't speak.
He was not afraid of punishment, beatings or starvation.
He just didn't know how long he would stay in this darkness, he didn't even know how much time had passed.
He just desperately hoped that someone could open the door, let the light in, take him out of this purgatory, and then let him do whatever he wanted.
But it never happened, and all that awaited him was collapse and fainting.
…
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s all in the past.
Later, the woman who tortured him was executed, and he was taken to a magnificent palace and lived the same life as his other brothers.
Yes, he is not such a fragile person. As long as he faces it, as long as he gets used to it, he will no longer be dominated by fear.
He already had a strange disease that was difficult to talk about. He couldn't afford a second one, but at least he could overcome one.
He has been thinking this way and living this way for many years.
...But no one has ever told him that comfort and hugs can also drive away these fears.
He had never experienced the feeling of being hugged, whether by his parents, relatives, friends or lovers.
Until last night.
It was only last night that he realized how satisfying and happy it was to be held in a pair of gentle arms, to have his hair gently stroked, and to be coaxed softly by the words "I won't leave you."
It was an indescribable feeling of satisfaction that warmed every part of my body and made my scalp tingle.
But why should he experience this happiness just once, perhaps just this once?
The feeling of suffocation became more intense, and he curled himself into a ball, hugging the soft cushion on the bed tightly, imagining it was another warm hug.
But the cushion was not a girl after all. It had no warmth or fresh, pleasant body fragrance, and could not bring him any comfort.
He collapsed, he was in pain, he knew he was finished.
Instead of walking out of one darkness, he fell into another trap that fascinated him.
This has nothing to do with love between men and women, nor is it an outpouring of desire. He just wants a hug, a hug at all times, to make up for all the warmth he has lacked in the past twenty years.
If possible, he wanted to keep the girl by his side forever, let her lean on his arms, let her touch his cheek, let her put her fingertips in his hair.
He wanted a girl's touch.
He knew very well that his thoughts were abnormal, and he didn't even dare to think about them deeply during the day.
Because as early as the first time she held his wrist, he knew that sooner or later he would not be able to control this abnormality.
…
Xiao Yu lay in bed for a long time, even until the trembling and palpitations disappeared, but he still couldn't fall asleep.
He stood up and opened the door, only to find that it was already dusk outside the room. He had spent almost the entire day in darkness.
It's getting dark again.
He walked out and went straight to Xu Chuchu's room.
He made up his mind to have a talk with this woman.
She needed money, she wanted to be a great national teacher, and she wanted to borrow his physique for cultivation... Well, since he had what she wanted, he used it as a bargaining chip and asked to marry her.
Yes, marry her and get married to her.
Whatever she wanted, he would give it to her as long as he could give it.
Apart from the love between men and women and the reality of husband and wife, he can give everything.
As long as she was willing to stay by his side, willing to sit with him in the carriage and let him touch her hand, willing to cuddle with him and sleep at night without doing anything.
He only wants these and nothing else.
He knew that a marriage without love and sex was despicable and selfish, and would harm both himself and others, but he still wanted to give it a try.
What's the big deal? At most he'd be rejected and called disgusting or a freak... It's not like he hadn't been called that before.
What if Xu Chuchu has other intentions like him? What if they are both bad people?
There's always gotta be some hope, right?
Thinking this, Xiao Yu knocked on Xu Chuchu's door.
At that moment he didn't even know whether he hoped she was still asleep or awake. Maybe if she wasn't awake, he would go back and never mention it again.
However, Xu Chuchu's voice soon came from inside.
"Come in!"
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