Chapter 83 Who is More Selfish?
The palace carriages quietly departed, and the courtyard fell silent.
Zhang Zhuoyan locked the door and turned back to the osmanthus tree. Yuan Yi slumped back down and looked up at her.
His eyes held pain, resentment, and even a barely concealed hatred.
He gathered the jade cup, which shone with moonlight, and drank the wine at the bottom in one gulp. When he opened his mouth, his voice was bitter and hoarse, "Mother, do you know how much I have sacrificed for this opportunity today?"
Zhang Zhuoyan took a clean wine glass from the tray, poured herself a glass of wine, and said, "There are countless paths in this world, do you really have to go to him?"
"Where is the way out? Do you want me to be confined to the school teaching the Spring and Autumn Annals for the rest of my life, or do you want me to follow the example of the hermits of the previous dynasty and return to the mountains to farm?"
The autumn night wind was chilly, but Yuan Yi's eyes burned with passion. Zhang Zhuoyan avoided his gaze, hiding her face behind her sleeve as she took a sip of wine.
“You watched me study hard and endure the torment day after day. Others suffer and endure hardship, but at least they can hope that ten years of hard study will eventually lead to a turnaround. But what about me? From the seventeenth year of Fengle, I could see the end of my life.”
Yuan Yi's lips twitched, and endless sorrow filled his eyes.
"I watched helplessly as Xie Huaijin did what I wanted to do but couldn't, and as a spoiled brat like He Zheng rose to become the Marquis of Pingyan. Even Yu Mingshu, a woman, was able to rise steadily in her official career! Only I am like the mud in Chentang, forever unable to see the light of day!"
Zhang Zhuoyan met his eyes and caught the hidden hatred in them again.
He hates her, but how can he hate her?
He should hate someone else.
Seeing that she remained silent, Yuan Yi put down his wine glass and stood up, his slender body casting a blurry shadow in the moonlight.
"Like a woman in the inner quarters, I tried to guess the emperor's preferences, showed off all my knowledge, and wrote poems that were not what I truly felt... While doing these things, I deeply despised myself!"
"Since you despise it, why do you have to do these things?"
"I didn't have to do any of this!"
Yuan Yi let out a low growl, startling both Zhang Zhuoyan and himself.
“I didn’t have to do all this…” He came to his senses and lowered his voice, repeating, “Mother, if you had just bowed your head to him in the past twenty years, all these trivial matters that have been bothering me would have vanished.”
Zhang Zhuoyan stared at him blankly for a long time before a mocking smile appeared on her lips. "You want me to bow down? He executed my father, poisoned my aunt, forced me into marriage even though he knew I was already married, and drove my second husband to his death in order to take his wife! How can you expect me to bow down?"
Yuan Yi stared at the tears welling up in her eyes, feeling as if a thousand needles were piercing his heart.
He opened his mouth, but after a long while, he managed to utter a muffled, incoherent voice, “His Majesty is still deeply troubled by the death of the Eldest Princess, so how could he possibly hate his maternal grandfather? As for Empress Dowager Jingmin… Mother, you should know very well how His Majesty suffered at her hands back then.”
“I understand his hatred, but they are my blood relatives!” Zhang Zhuoyan lowered her eyelashes in anguish. “Fine, even setting aside my father and aunt, what wrong had my Erlang done? For the first twenty years of his life, he was kind to everyone, never abusing his family’s status to bully others, and his only hobbies were composing poetry and painting. Such a refined and pure person, in the prime of his youth, was forced to hang himself…”
Yuan Yi frowned, slightly surprised. "You and Xie Sihong weren't arranged to marry by imperial decree?"
Zhang Zhuoyan's eyes hardened, and her voice was clear and cold, "We love each other deeply. As early as the Qixi Festival in the thirty-eighth year of Jingcheng, we made a vow to grow old together in front of the temple of gods and Buddhas. In this life, I am just his wife."
In the thirty-eighth year of the Jingcheng era, the emperor was still a prince and had just recognized Empress Zhang as his mother.
That was such a long time ago… Yuan Yi quickly realized that the year the emperor first met her, she had already made a lifelong promise with Xie Sihong.
"You already have someone you love, so why sow the seeds of disaster in His Majesty's heart?"
"I took care of him because I'm kind-hearted!" Zhang Zhuoyan suddenly raised her voice, and the sound she uttered was somewhat shrill.
"If I had known that the boy I saved out of kindness would one day kill my dearest loved ones and force me into an abyss, I should have let him freeze to death in the lake that winter!"
“If you hate him so much, no, you shouldn’t have kept his bloodline in the first place.” Yuan Yi slowly moved back to the stone bench, his strength completely gone, his shoulders slumped, and he slumped down.
Zhang Zhuoyan's lips trembled slightly, opening and closing a couple of times before she finally hardened her heart and said, "Do you think I didn't want to? At that time, he sent more than a dozen people to follow me closely. I had no chance at all. Even if I wanted to die, it would be as difficult as climbing to heaven."
“He often came to see me, but he didn’t care about my wishes. Every time he held me in his arms, I felt disgusted from the bottom of my heart! Every time I had physical contact with him, I wished I could cut off my bones and peel off my skin to wash myself clean.”
Zhang Zhuoyan's shoulders trembled slightly as she tried her best to suppress the feeling of nausea.
"When news of his affair with me reached He Ning's ears, He Xiao had once considered killing me. If his blade had been two breaths faster, Erlang and I would have been able to meet again."
She tilted her head back and closed her eyes, a warm sensation sliding across the corner of her eye.
"Over the years, I've locked myself in a courtyard, isolating myself from everything outside, trying to convince myself to be without love or hate... I have a long life ahead of me, all I ask for is peace and quiet, is that not even possible?"
"Did Mother ever consider how cruel this is to me?" Yuan Yi took a big gulp of wine, a helpless smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"My life is burdened with the resentment of the previous generation. I was born unworthy to talk about ambition, let alone future prospects. I live in the mortal world and cannot escape the bustling onlookers, yet I cannot have human love and desires."
“Every day I live in Chang’an, I feel like a hermit with a heart as dry as a well. Mother, don’t you feel selfish for pushing me into such a desperate situation?”
Zhang Zhuoyan seemed stumped by his question.
After a long silence, the turbulent emotions in her eyes gradually subsided, and the sorrow and resentment from before transformed into a kind of stubborn belief.
“I’m not the selfish one,” she said, looking into Yuan Yi’s eyes. “He had countless ways to bring you back to the palace, find you another mother in name, and give you a respectable identity, but he did nothing. He kept you by my side, cut off your career, and wrapped you in a thick cocoon… He wanted to use this to coerce me into submission.”
Between him and me, who is more selfish?
Yuan Yi remained silent for a long time.
He was the emperor, he ruled the world. Who among the people wouldn't bow down to imperial power?
…
As late autumn arrives, the cold wind gradually grows sharper, and people walking outdoors put on cloaks, wrap their necks with thick animal hides, and tuck their hands into their sleeves.
In this bleak season, Yu Mingshu and He Zhenghou were standing under the city gate when, at daybreak, a carriage approached from afar.
The servant driving the carriage saw the two people by the roadside, slowed down, and turned back to report into the carriage: "My lord, Marquis Pingyan and Junior Chamberlain Yu are ahead."
Upon hearing this, Xie Huaijin, inside the carriage, lifted the curtain and looked closely; indeed, it was the two people.
At this moment, Xie's old friends are either eager to sever ties or busy running around trying to turn the tide. The latter group already sees him as a thorn in their side.
In the entire city of Chang'an, only Yu Mingshu, who was upright and loyal, was willing to come and see him off, unafraid of getting himself into trouble.
"Stop the car," he ordered, then gently instructed his mother beside him, "Mother, I'm going down to talk to her for a bit."
Lady Su gently patted his shoulder, "Take your time talking, there's no need to rush."
The servant tightened the reins and brought the horse to a stop on the side of the road.
Xie Huaijin, dressed simply and wearing a turban, got off the carriage, rolled up his sleeves, and bowed to the two men.
"Ming Shu, I didn't expect you to come."
Yu Mingshu nodded in return, but before she could speak, He Zheng coughed lightly, reminding him that there was another person present.
Xie Huaijin glanced at him and, as expected, saw impatience in the other's eyes.
His gaze shifted between He Zheng and Yu Mingshu, then he chuckled and bowed to He Zheng as well.
"I just found out you're going to Yan and leaving the city today. I got the news in a hurry and didn't prepare any gifts, so I'll just ask you to have a bowl of wine."
Yu Mingshu's voice was clear and pleasant, without the slightest affectation. She showed no sorrow or pity for the person in front of her who was in trouble, nor did she feel ashamed or embarrassed for implicating him in the investigation. She was always so frank.
As she spoke, she pointed to the tavern next to her. The tavern was simple, with a stall set up in front of the mud-brick building and a few tables under the bamboo shed, which became the place for people leaving the city to say goodbye to their friends.
The three sat down, and the shopkeeper opened the wine barrel, poured a bowl of wine for each of them, and then tactfully moved away.
"The conditions are simple, please don't mind," Yu Mingshu said with a smile.
Xie Huaijin said, "How could I possibly find it distasteful? I'm leaving Chang'an today, and I don't even know if I'll have the chance to come back again. I'm already very grateful that you came to see me off."
Yu Mingshu suddenly straightened his expression and said, "Speaking of which, I should thank you. If it weren't for your selfless act of turning down a family member, I don't know how I would have put the evidence I found to good use."
"It is said to be a matter of upholding justice and sacrificing one's own family, but in reality, what I least wanted in my life was to be born into the Xie family. Xie Cheng and Xie Shichang, father and son, committed many unjust acts, treating the country as a chessboard in their hands and their subjects as toys in their fingers. Not only did the people of the world suffer because of them, but I also hated them to the bone. When I made this decision, I was prepared to perish together with them."
Xie Huaijin took a sip of the warm, cloudy wine, the sweet taste lingering on his tongue.
"His Majesty is benevolent and has preserved my official position, sending me to Yan to reclaim wasteland and govern the frontier. I am already content with the opportunity to redeem myself through meritorious service."
The land of Yan is bitterly cold. The emperor said he was being sent to Yan to serve as an official, but in the eyes of outsiders, this was a disguised form of exile.
Seeing his calm demeanor and the absence of self-pity or dejection in his eyes, Yu Mingshu felt a deep respect for him.
"Expanding territory is a merit, but consolidating the territory and governing the border is also a great achievement." She smiled and raised her bowl to toast him. "With your talent, you will one day return to Chang'an."
Xie Huaijin replied, "Then I accept your kind words."
After finishing their bowl of wine, the three of them got up and left the tavern. Xie Huaijin returned to the carriage under the watchful eyes of the two men. The servant driving the carriage looked back to make sure his master was seated properly before driving the carriage out of the city.
Watching Xie Huaijin's carriage disappear into the distance, He Zheng leaned against Yu Mingshu and whispered in her ear, "My mother wants to see you."
Yu Mingshu's brow twitched. "So sudden?"
He Zheng said slowly, "I've talked about you a lot with my sister-in-law these past few days, and she should have reported it to Mother without missing a single word."
Yu Mingshu took a deep breath and subconsciously tightened her grip on his hand. "What was your aunt's reaction?"
"She didn't say anything, just that my father's birthday is in November, and asked me to take this opportunity to invite you to my home for a chat."
Which day in November?
"The 19th."
Yu Mingshu composed herself, and after a long while, she nodded as if she had made up her mind, "Okay, I will go."
The two of them got into the carriage to go home. Yu Mingshu looked at the person next to him and suddenly asked, "Are you closest to your sister-in-law at home?"
"That's not quite right." He Zheng hesitated for a moment, then gently shook his head and said softly, "My parents seem easy to talk to and have never argued with me, but I know that their hopes are always placed on my older brother. They keep many things at home from me and only tell my brother."
"As for my brother, he is an impatient and short-tempered person. He will kick people after saying just a few words, and sometimes he will even hit people."
Seeing that Yu Mingshu's eyes suddenly tensed up, He Zheng quickly added, "Fortunately, he can't beat me now, and it's been several years since we last laid a hand on each other."
“My sister-in-law is intelligent and virtuous. She keeps her mouth shut, knows how to be discreet, and is good at comforting people. She knows which things to tell our parents and which things to leave unsaid after telling her. Therefore, I can only discuss many things with her.”
After saying that, he squeezed the palm of the person next to him, his tone becoming more cheerful, "Speaking of which, my sister-in-law is also a member of the Chen family. She and Chen Qingyue should be cousins. Since you and Chen Qingyue are close, she is more affectionate towards her than towards others. If there is anything you can't say, you might as well talk to your sister-in-law first."
"Okay, I've got it." Yu Mingshu's mind calmed down considerably.
The carriage passed a street corner and suddenly braked sharply in the middle of the road. He Zheng quickly caught Yu Mingshu, who was falling forward. Seeing that she was unharmed, he looked outside and asked in an unfriendly tone, "What happened?"
Jinghong broke out in a cold sweat and hurriedly replied, "It's Miss Luoyan. She has urgent news to report!"
Upon hearing the name Luo Yan, Yu Mingshu had a bad feeling. He suddenly broke free from He Zheng's arms, lifted the carriage curtain, and looked at the panting figure in front of him. Who else could it be but Luo Yan?
"Luoyan, what happened at home?"
Luo Yan went to the window, covered her mouth with one hand, and whispered, "Everything is fine at home, it's just that Mrs. Zhang and Mr. Yuan next door... their yard is on fire!"
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